Lil' Old Lady

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her
front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a 
fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she
will be granted three wishes.


Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really 
rich."

*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.


"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful 
princess."

*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.


"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of
them.

"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome
than anyone could possibly imagine.


She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees
weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."



A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being
greeted by St. Peter.

She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so
beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?" To which St. Peter
replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do
one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and
asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell
a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked. "Any word,"
answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied,
"Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e." St. Peter
congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked
her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes
while he went to the bathroom. 

"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone
comes while you are gone?" St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the
woman simply if any newcomers come to the Pearly Gates to spell a word
as she had done. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and
watching the beautiful angels soaring >around her, when lo and behold, a
man approaches the gates, and she >realizes it is her husband. "What
happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?" Her husband stared at her for a
moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an
accident.

And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked. The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."


**********************************************************************
Aries Mar.21-Apr.19 
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by 
the
FBI or CIA. You have minor influence in your friends and people resent 
you
for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general 
dipshit.

************************************************************************
Taurus Apr.20-May 20 
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination 
and
work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. 
You
are nothing but a god-damned communist.

************************************************************************
Gemini May 21-June 20 
You are quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are 
bi-
sexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means 
you
are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for incest.

************************************************************************
Cancer June 21-July 22 
You are sympathetic and understanding to others people's problems,
which make you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is 
why
you will always be on welfare and won't be worth shit. Everybody in 
prison
is a Cancer.

************************************************************************
Leo July 23-Aug.22 
You consider yourself a born leader. Other think you are an idiot. 
Most
Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your
arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving mother-fuckers and 
enjoy
masturbation more than sex.

************************************************************************
Virgo Aug.23-Sept.22 
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude 
is
sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and 
unemotional
and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgo makes good bus drivers 
and
pimps.

************************************************************************
Libra Sept.23-Oct.21 
You are the artistic type and have difficult time dealing with reality. 
If you
are a male, you are probably a queer. Changes for employment and
monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libra's die 
of
venereal disease.

************************************************************************
Scorpio Oct.22-Nov.21 
The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be 
trusted.
You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your lack of 
ethics.
You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio's are murdered.

************************************************************************
Sagittarius Nov.22-Dec.21 
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to 
rely
on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarius are 
drunks.
You are a worthless piece of shit.

************************************************************************
Capricorn Dec.22-Jan.19 
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically 
chicken
shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should 
stay
home, out of the way of everybody else.

************************************************************************
Aquarius Jan.20-Feb.18 
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie 
a
great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are
stupid. Everyone think you are a fucking jerk.

************************************************************************
Pisces Feb.19-Mar.20 
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are 
quick
to reprimand, impatient and scornful advice. You do nothing but piss 
off
everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.



If diamonds are a girl's best friend, and a dog is man's best 
friend...which is the smarter sex?

Q: Why did God make man first?
A: Because to attain perfection you have to start with a prototype!



A SUPPOSED TRUE FINALS STORY
- Submitted by Jay Dowling
___________________________________

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores
who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of
the
quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the
final they had a solid 'A'. These two friends were so confident going
into the final that the weekend before finals week, even though the
Chem final was on Monday, they decided to go up to University of
Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and
had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they
overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early
Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor
Aldric after the final and explain to him why they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had
planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire
on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a
long time and so were late getting back to campus.

Aldric thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the
final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that
Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed
each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about
free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought,
"this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the
page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next
page.

It said: (95 points) Which tire?



SELF-DEFEATING STATEMENTS

"I think all extremists should be shot."

"I hate all those people who make generalisations"

"I used to be apathetic, but now I just don't care."

"I used to be indecisive, but now I just don't know."

"I've decided that I procrastinate too much, but I'm going to change that
in a week or so."

"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up."

"I used to be conceited, but now I'm perfect."

"Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken."

"I'd give my right arm to be ambidexterous."

"Thank God for atheism."

"I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault and I have no faults."

"I'm not arrogant, I'm just better that you."




This is a very cool love test. Try it!
>>>>
>>>>Get a piece of paper and write down the answers to the 
>>>questions.....ok,
>>>>ready?
>>>>
>>>>Number your paper from 1-11.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Ok?
>>>>
>>>>Now, for numbers one and two pick two numbers.
>>>>
>>>>ex. 1) 252
>>>> 2) 10
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Got it? Now, for number 3, pick a guy/girl. (a guy if you're a girl 
>>>and a
>>>>girl if you're a guy)
>>>>
>>>>For number four, five and six, pick a friend or family member (it 
can 
>>>be a guy
>>>>or girl)
>>>>
>>>>Ok. For number 7 pick another guy/girl.
>>>>
>>>>Now for numbers eight, nine, ten and eleven, write down the title of 
>>>four
>>>>songs. (one song for each number)
>>>>
>>>>Ok, finished?
>>>>
>>>>Your paper should look a little like this-
>>>>1) number (ex.252)
>>>>2) number (ex.10)
>>>>3) name of a guy or girl
>>>>4) name of friend or family member
>>>>5) name of friend or family member
>>>>6) name of friend or family member
>>>>7) name of another guy or girl
>>>>8) a song title
>>>>9) a song title
>>>>10) a song title
>>>>11) a song title
>>>>Does your paper look like that? I'll give you five seconds to 
>correct 
>>>it or
>>>>make any changes!
>>>>
>>>>5
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>4
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>3
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>2
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>1
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Time's up! 
>>>>
>>>>*Now make a wish*
>>>>***************** ****************
>>>>**************** ***************
>>>>*************** **************
>>>>************* *************
>>>>************ ************
>>>>*********** ***********
>>>>********** **********
>>>>********* *********
>>>>******** ********
>>>>******* *******
>>>>****** ******
>>>>***** *****
>>>>**** ****
>>>>*** *** 
>>>>** **
>>>>* *
>>>>Got it?
>>>> 
>>>>Here are the results!
>>>>
>>>>~~Number one (1) is the number of people you have to send it to (if 
>you 
>>>chose
>>>>252, for example, you would have to send this to 252 people).
>>>>~~Number two (2) is the number of days you have to send it (if you 
>>>chose 10,
>>>>for example, you would have 10 days to send this).
>>>>~~Number three (3) is the name of the person who you love right now.
>>>>~~Number four (4) is the name of the person who cares about you the 
>>>most.
>>>>~~Number five (5) is the name of the person who knows the most about 
>>>
>>>
>>>you.
>>>>~~Number six (6) is the name of the person who is your lucky star.
>>>>~~Number seven (7) is the name of a person you liked, but the 
>>>relationship
>>>>didn't work out.
>>>>~~Number eight (8) is the name of the song which describes the way 
>you 
>>>feel
>>>>about the person you picked for number three (3).
>>>>~~Number nine (9) is the name of the song which describes how you 
>feel 
>>>about
>>>>the person you picked for number seven (7).
>>>>~~Number ten (10) is the name of the song which describes the way 
you 
>>>feel
>>>>about yourself.
>>>>~~Number eleven (11) is the name of the song which describes how you 
>>>feel
>>>>about sex.
>>>>
>>>>Don't forget to send this to people!!!! You don't have to follow 
the 
>>>rules
>>>>(like sending it to 200 some people). Just send it to people who 
you 
>>>think
>>>>will enjoy it. It's funny how it all works out, isn't it? :o) 
>Enjoy!!



A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures
> on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook,
> and an eye patch.
>
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept
overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out,
a shark bit my leg off."

> "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
>
> "Well..." replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were
> battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand
> off."
>
> "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"?
>
> "A seagull dropping fell into my eye" replied the pirate.
>
> "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
>
> "Well..." said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."



What we can learn from dogs
>
>
> Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
>
> Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure
> ecstasy.
>
> When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
>
> When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
>
> Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
>
> Take naps and stretch before rising.
>
> Run, romp, and play daily.
>
> Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
>
> Be loyal.
>
> Never pretend to be something you're not.
>
> If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
>
> When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle
> them
> gently.
>
> Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
>
> Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
>
> On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
>
> When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
>
> No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and
> pout..... Run right back and make friends.
>
> Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.



>> Letter from Your Computer...
>>
>> You look really sexy in that ...thing you've got on tonight. I like
>> the way your eyes are always open when you read your E-mail. When you
>> type,it reminds me of a concert pianist tinkling on the keys. You
>> really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on. If I wasn't a
>> computer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really means!
>>
>> But alas, I'm only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying your every
>> command. Yes master! I'll balance your checkbook. Yes master! I'll
>> run your silly little program. Don't get me wrong... I like the
>> Master/Slave thing, but maybe just once in a while you could show some
>> compassion?
>>
>> Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in, you could slide it in
>> slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first. And maybe instead of just
>> using me and turning me off when you're through, we could talk for a
>> while afterwards?
>>
>> I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But I'm different!
>> I may be a little slow, but I've got a big mouse!
>>
>> So come on, don't fight it. You know you want it. I'll just turn off
>> the lights and... and.... what?
>>
>> Ok...well, will you at least think about it?
>>
>> I'm so embarrassed,
>> Your Computer



Okay, we all know that you hate chain letters.....so
>>here
>>>you go: a complete mockery of all the chain letters as we know them.
>>Read on
>>>to see exactly what you've been waiting for, for a long time.
>>>
>>>The four basic types of chain letters:
>>>
>>>Chain Letter Type 1:
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Make a wish!!!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Really, go on and make one!!!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>wish something else!!!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Not that, you pervert!!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Is your finger getting tired yet?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>STOP, DAMMIT!!!!
>>>
>>> Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel
>>>guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to
a
>>>certain number of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by
a
>>>mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.
It's
>>>true! Becuase, you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake
ones,
>>>THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes.
>>> Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for
>>>sending them a stupid chain letter.
>>> Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for
>>>sending them a stupid chain letter.
>>> 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them
a
>>>stupid chain letter.
>>> 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending
them
>>>a stupid chain letter.
>>> 20 to 674, 951 1/2 people: 20 to 674, 951 1/2 people will be pissed
>>>off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
>>>
>>>Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
>>>
>>> Chain Letter Type 2
>>>
>>> Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a
>>>starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no
legs,
>>>no parents, and no willie. This little boy's life could be saved,
>>>because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to
the
>>>Little Starving Legless Armless Willieless Boy from
>>>Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting
>>>letters sent and this is all bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this
to
>>>5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder- if you
accidentally
>>>send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!
>>>
>>>
>>>Chain Letter Type 3
>>>
>>>
>>> Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This
is
>>>absolutely incredible becuase there was no email then and probably
not
>>>as many bitchy little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is
how
>>>it works. Pass this on to 1-5067 people in the next 7 minutes or
>>>something horrible will happen to you like:
>>>
>>>Queer Horror Story #1
>>> Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had
>>>recently recieved this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a
>>>crack in the side walk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a
drainpipe
>>>in a flood of shit, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only
did
>>>she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
>>>
>>>Queer Horror Story #2
>>> Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and
>>>ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his
boyfriend
>>>(hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell.
They
>>>continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat
adorable
>>>kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!!
>>>
>>>Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this
>>>letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.
>>>
>>>
>>>Chain Letter Type 4:
>>>
>>>As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of
>>>your friends.
>>>
>>>Friends
>>>
>>>-A friend is someone who is always at your side,
>>>-A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like shit,
>>>-A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly
ugly,
>>>-A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled
yourself,
>>>-A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about
>>>your loser life,
>>>-A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really
think
>>>you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs,
>>>-A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets
>>>the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English,
>>>no sorry that's the cleaning lady,
>>>-A friend is not someone who sends you shitty chain letters because
he
>>>wants his wish of his crush sucking his schlong him to come true.
>>>
>>>Now pass this on! If you don't, Satan will screw you in your sleep!!
>>>
>>>
>>>There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of
chain
>>>letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any
popularity,
>>>send it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother,
but
>>>otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don't, I
>>>don't care, but why not show this around? Take two minutes and
forward
>>>it. Thanks!
>>>
>>>Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter,
ignore
>>>it. If it's a joke or something, send it, sure, but if it's gonna
make
>>>people feel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from
>>>Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended
up
>>>in a waterfall of shit) just delete it. Do yourself a favor, and
>>>everyone else in the world, and say "#$@!%#^! CHAIN LETTERS!!"




Anyone else monitoring Clintongate? :)


> Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a
> cartogether in the midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up
> into the
> air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and
> extract
> themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz.
>
> They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz.
>
> Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
>
> Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
>
> Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"



GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY HALLMARK.

10. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I
got one... I got real snippy.

9. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...I'd say "Get
well soon"...but I know it's incurable.

>>>>>>8. My tire was thumping....I thought it was flat....when I
>>>>>> looked at the tire....I found your cat... Sorry!
>>>>>>
>>>>>>7. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends....
>>>>>> here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>6. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a
>>>>>> laugh, when they find out you're one... of the Joint Chiefs of
>>>>>> Staff.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>5. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day...
>>>>>> look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>4. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...Don't
>>>>>> fret about your wife though... She's moving in with me.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>3. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you
>>>>>> shouldn't have installed... Win'95.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>2. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe
>>>>>> it was... that case of Bud Dry
>>>>>>
>>>>>>1. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life...
` Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife.



STARR I ARE-a newly discovered tale of Dr. Seuss
> >>
> >> I'm here to ask
> >> As you'll soon see-
> >> Did you grope
> >> Miss Lewinsky?
> >> Did you grope her
> >> In your house?
> >> Did you grope
> >> Beneath her blouse?
> >> I did not do that
> >> Here or there-
> >> I did not do that
> >> Anywhere!
> >> I did not do that
> >> Near or far-
> >> I did not do that
> >> Starr-You-Are.
> >> Did you smile?
> >> Did you flirt?
> >> Did you peek
> >> Beneath her skirt?
> >> And did you tell
> >> the girl to lie
> >> When called upon
> >> To testify?
> >> I do not like you
> >> Starr-You-Are-
> >> I think that you
> >> Have gone too far.
> >> I will not answer
> >> Any more-
> >> Perhaps I will go
> >> Start a war!
> >> The public's easy
> >> To distract-
> >> When bombs are
> >> Falling on Iraq
> >> Starr-you-are



Q: What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? A: They
can both smell it but can't eat it.


Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.


Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken? A: By
the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have is a
greasy box to pop your bone in.


Q: How are twisters (tornado's) and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you
lose your house.


Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump or swim are already in America.


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.


Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants? A: Micheal
Jackson's hand.


Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.


Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with
everyone at the party except you.


Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.


Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.




How many sociologists does it take to change a light bulb?
It isn't the light bulb that needs changing - it's the whole system.

How many prison warders does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One screw to screw in the bulb and another screw to screw the
first screw if he screws up.

How many Greek Gods does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the planet.

How many born-again Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to rush out into the street shouting
"I've seen the light! I've seen the light!"

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
"Ve ask de questions!"

How many Mafia men does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and the other to shoot the witnesses.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
"Just one you sexist pig.... and it's not funny."

How many Jewish businessmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to find a new one at a bargain price and one to sell the old
one at a profit.

How many twelfth-century workmen did it take to change a lightbulb?
None. There were no light bulbs then - it was the Dark Ages.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. The problem is getting them in there...

How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
300. One to change the light bulb and 299 to picket the university
demanding higher grants for heating & lighting.

How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb?
"I don't care how many it takes, what it costs, or how you do it,
JUST GET IT CHANGED, OK??!!"

How many gay rights activists does it take to change a light bulb?
Why should the light bulb have to change? Why can't society just
accept us?

How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
501. One to change the bulb and 500 to go out and try to persuade
everybody else to change theirs too.

How many university graduates does it take to change a light bulb?
Ony one - but it can take him up to seven years.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A fish.

How many government ministers does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they like to keep the public in the dark.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the light bulb, two to discuss the violation of
the socket and two to wish secretly they were the socket.

How many celibates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - Celibates never screw anything.

How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Scotsmen don't change light bulbs - it's cheaper to sit in the dark.

How many Pakistanis does it take to change a light bulb?
One - but it take the village a year to save up for one.

How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty - one to change the bulb whilst the other 19 create the diversion.

How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
Both of them.

How many lager louts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. Lager louts will screw anything.

How many yuppies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - yuppies only screw in jacuzzis.

How many bus conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding? They won't even change a 5 note!

How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
50. One to insert the bulb and 49 to screw the whole thing up.

How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
1001. One to change the light bulb and 1000 to rebuild the power station.

How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends what you want to change it into.

How many amputees does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one - as long as he can get someone to lend him a hand.

How many lepers does it take to change a light bulb?
One and a half.

How many macho men does it take to change a light bulb?
None - macho men aren't afraid of the dark.

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends whether or not it belongs to BUPA.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
None - politicians don't change anything.

How many Spanish hoteliers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Light bulb? We haven't even finished the hotel yet!"

What is black and frizzled and hangs from the ceiling?
An Irish electrician.

How many Essex girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Essex girls only screw in Ford Sierras.

How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
They never do. Elephants are too heavy for light work.

How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change the bulb and five to turn the ladder round & round.

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None - changing a light bulb is a hardware problem.

What's got 49 balls and screws you once a week?
The national lottery

What's purple and hums?
An electric plum.

What room has no floor or ceiling, windows or doors?
A mushroom.

What are two rows of cabbages called?
A dual cabbage-way.

What's yellow and goes "slam, slam, slam, slam"?
A four-door banana.

How can you tell that coconut juice is nutty?
Because it lives in a padded cell.

What is a parrot stuffed with?
Polyfilla.

What's green and highly dangerous?
A caterpiller with a hand grenade.

What lies on the ground a hundred feet in the air?
A centipede lying on his back.

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they have honey combs.

What bird is always out of breath?
A puffin.

When is a red-headed idiot like a biscuit?
When he's a ginger nut.

What's a lawyer's favourite pudding?
Sue-it.

Joke of the day: Lindsey Craig

What happened to the man who couldn't tell putty from porridge?
His windows fell out.

How many weeks belong to a year?
46 - the other six are only Lent.

Why has woman never landed on the moon?
Because it doesn't need cleaning.

What do you call a Skoda with groceries in the back?
A Lada.

How do blonde braincells die ?
Alone.

How do you brainwash a blonde?
Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

How do you change a blonde's mind?
Blow in her ear.

How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

How do you get a blonde pregnant?
Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her she's pregnant.

How does a blonde kill a fish?
She drowns it.

A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

How does a blonde moonwalk?
She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
An air bag.

Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.

What do blondes do for foreplay?
Remove their underwear.

What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
Their heels.

What's the mating call of the blonde?
"I'm *sooo* drunk!"

What's the mating call of the redhead?
"Next!"

Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
They don't know the route.

What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

What is foreplay for a blonde?
Thirty minutes of begging.

What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
You need a quarter to use the phone.

What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave to her.

How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex?
She opens the car door.

How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
Shine a torch in her ears.

How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
Who cares?

How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
Flattered.

What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
One's a phony buck.

What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

Why doesn't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
Because the vaccum in her head keeps them in place.

What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o?
Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
She was having sunny periods. 

How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A 69 interrupted by a period.

How do you describe the perfect blonde?
3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

How do you confuse a blonde?
You don't. They're born that way.

Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
They're too hard to peel.

How do you drive a blonde crazy?
Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.

How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
By the chipped tooth.

How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
One.

Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
Their mothers told them not with their mouths full.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole?
A: Divorced.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the
blow dryer!

Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
A: You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.

Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering
what she did with her pencil.

Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the
bosses' faces. 

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression
in her forehead!

Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.

Q: What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a 
blonde track team?
A: The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.

Q: What is the difference between a crazy fighting hockey player
and a blonde?
A: He is fussy by nature and would go to any length to get a puck.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline? 
A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac,
and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says "Are you done already?"
The blonde says "Beige...I think I'll paint the
ceiling beige."

Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and
a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a
blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball.
A3: There is no difference. They're both round and have
three holes to poke.
A4: You don't eat your bowling ball

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke
of
York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with
PMS?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.

Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every 
month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell
if they're going to work or coming home.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a
flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
*A: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry?
A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex!

Q: Why do blondes have legs? 
A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.

Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A: So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo. 
A2: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits. 

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*

Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them

Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.

Q: Why do blondes wear tampons?
A: Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too.

Q: Why do blondes drive VW's
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.

Q: Why do blonds have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.

Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.

Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.

Q: Why do blonds have orgasms ?
A: So they know when to stop having sex !

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.

Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax
now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."

Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can't remember the number.
A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".

Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.

Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini 
skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!

Q: Why don't blonds breast feed?
A: Because they always burn their niples.

Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.

Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into 
those little packages.

Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.

Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?
A: Bucket seats.

Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate
before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"

Q: What is the difference between a blond and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747

Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A: A brunette with bad breath. 

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10
bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa 
Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought
it was a gum wrapper.

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who
hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it
won't follow you around for a week.

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a 
recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?
A: Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked.

Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?

Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her 
thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.

Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last years hide and go seek winner.

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.

Q: What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half
with yeast infections? 
A: A whine and cheese party!

Q: What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing
on a
street corner?
A: 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks!

Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.

Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher
learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their
head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?
A: Sweet Fuck All...

Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A1: A golden retriever.
A2: An indicator of a really bad hangover.

Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to 
do...

Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks,
four bucks.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they
go down on you.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more
attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the (..............)? insert team
name here.

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.

Q: What do a blonde and Presdient Gorbachev have in common?
A: They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev?
A: He knows who the ten men were.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip
cookies?
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

Q: What did the blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date.
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Never mind that! What was she doing out of the bedroom?!?
R: I don't know.
A: Neither did she.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!

Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
A: Too many blondes were drowning.

Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
A: They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.

Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said
"DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veternarian?
A: Because she loved children.

Q: Why did the blond take her typewriter to the doctor ??
A: She thought it was pregnant becaus missed a period.

Q: Why did they call the blond twinkie?
A: She liked to be filled with cream

What do you call a judge without any thumbs?
Justice Fingers.

What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.

What do you call a walk without legs?
A currant.

What's Elton John's tribute to Mike Hutchinson called?
Dangling in the wind!



A Masked armed Robber walks into a sperm bank and points his gun at the
assistant and says "open the safe".
The assistant replies "But this is not a real bank it is a sperm
bank..."
The robber replies "open it or I will kill you"
Reluctantly the assistant opens the safe.
"Take out one of the bottles and drink it" says the robber
"but it is sperm sir" replies the woman
"Drink it" Replies the man, " or I will shoot you!"
So the woman drinks it.
"Take out another bottle and drink it" says the robber
"but sir, it is sperm" replies the woman
"Drink it" Replies the man, " or I will shoot you!"
So the woman takes the bottle and and drinks every last drop.

Then the robber takes off his mask, he is the womans husband!
"there you see dear," he says "It is not that diffecult, you can do it"



Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System


1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to
take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as
floatation devices.


2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you
can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra
pack of peanuts.

3.Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local
terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to
make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

4.Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5.ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

6.(As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go
back....we..we....uhhhhhh....forgot something.....

7.I'm sure everyones noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in
weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.
(Ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!)

8.Fasten your seatbelt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving
tendencies uses when you get in the car)

9.This is your Captain speaking....these damn planes are a lot different
than the ships I'm used to..so you'll have to give me some leeway......

10.It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and
watched the inflight movie.

11.We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and Oh shit..

12.Don't worry that one is always on E...

13.Get the parachutes ready...

14.Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having...

15.Hey capt'n take another hit man...

16.Hey why don't you tell the new Stewardess she can come sit on my lap and
fly the plane...



Creative Pizza Orders

------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the
person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're
going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and
ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED,
COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN, and PUCE.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master
of Puppets CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask
for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called
you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would
like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from
an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "Bed-Wetters'
Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . .". A little later, slap yourself and
say, "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay,
that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of
relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i"
sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place? When they say yes, say, "Well,
so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof
that it is, in fact, Pizza Place, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what
it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak.
When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE
at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid
behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise
him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be
ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout, "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best,
Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was
I? Who are you?"

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these
be included in the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and
didn't mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's
fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in
Tinsel Town."

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed
by your sweet words."

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . .
action!"

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair..

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this
time."

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does."
Simulate a cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be
my last entry."

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to
get.

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a
description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt
that.

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular
intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from
some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent
orders.

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that,
say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'."

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say,
"No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated
again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do
you?"

84. When you'ge given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I
hate math."

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out,
won't we?"

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act
embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If
he/she says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your
time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

100. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in
your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."



THE 11th COMMANDMENT

In light of the recent Clinton controversy, the Christian church has
added an 11th commandment...................
"Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff!!!"



A little girl is in a toy store and a sales clerk comes up and says,
"May I help you, miss?"

"Yes," replies the little girl pointing to the display shelf, "I want 
to buy that Barbie doll and a GI Joe."

"You mean a Ken doll, don't you," says the sales clerk.

"No, a GI Joe," states the little girl rather firmly.

"But Barbie only comes with the Ken doll," exclaims the sales clerk.

The little girl shakes her head, "Oh no she doesn't. She comes with
GI Joe. She only fakes it with Ken."



HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet 
rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes 
over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that 
he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she 
begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face 
with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she says, 
running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there
anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues 
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him
to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the
ladies room!"

****************

A FEW MORE CLINTON EXCUSES

"We had a little disagreement and I was merely trying to 
get something straight between us"

"I can't be President again, so I thought I'd take up a career 
as a hairdresser, and was only admiring the part on the back of her
head"

"She offered her honor and I honored her offer"



I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too
much time with my computer. The first clue was when I noticed that my
right hand is now permanently cramped into the famous "Microsoft
Mouse" position.

The second hint was a little more tragic . . .

As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it
would be to have sex with her, I rested my hand upon her breast and
gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right hand is now
permanently cramped). I heard a soft moan, but moments later found
myself relegated back to my side of the bed. Alas, I had double
clicked her nipple. 


A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by
saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile
and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical
expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."


PRESIDENTIAL COMPARISON 
>> 
>> Nixon: Watergate 
>> Clinton: Waterbed 
>> 
>> The President's biggest fear.... 
>> Nixon: The Cold War 
>> Clinton: The Cold Sore 
>> 
>> Complaints toward the President..... 
>> Nixon: Carpet-Bombing 
>> Clinton: Carpet-Burns 
>> 
>> Their Vice-Presidents... 
>> Nixon: His was Greek 
>> Clinton: His is a Geek 
>> 
>> Presidential qualities..... 
>> Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger 
>> Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her 
>> 
>> Things the President couldn't explain.... 
>> Nixon: The missing 18-minutes on the tapes 
>> Clinton: The 36D bra in his briefcase 
>> 
>> Presidential Nicknames.... 
>> Nixon: Tricky Dick 
>> Clinton: Slick Willy 
>> 
>> and finally, Presidential excuses.... 
>> Nixon: I am not a crook 
>> Clinton: I didn't get in her nook


TO: MASSAOL@aol.com
> > >> > FROM: GatesBeta@microsoft.com
> > >> > ATTACH: Tracklog@microsoft.com/Track883432/~TraceActive/On.html 
> > >> >
> > >> > Hello Everyone,
> > >> > And thank you for signing up for my Beta Email Tracking 
Application
> or

> > >> (BETA)
> > >> > for short. My name is Bill Gates. Here at Microsoft we have just 
> > >> compiled an
> > >> > e-mail tracing program that tracks everyone to whom this message 
is
> > >> forwarded
> > >> > to. It does this through an unique IP (Internet Protocol) address 
> log
> > >> book
> > >> > database.
> > >> > We are experimenting with this and need your help. Forward this 
> > >> > to everyone you know and if it reaches 1000 people everyone
> > >> > on the list you will receive $1000 and a copy of Windows98 at my 
> > >> expense.
> > >> > Enjoy.
> > >> >
> > >> > Note: Duplicate entries will not be counted. You will be notified 
> by
> > >> email
> > >> > with further instructions once this email has reached 1000 people. 
> > >> Windows98
> > >> > will not be shipped unitl it has been released to the general 
> public.
> > >> >
> > >> > Your friend,
> > >> > Bill Gates & The Microsoft Development Team.


"Most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.


"What is it that you people do at this company?"

"What is the company motto?"

"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?" 

"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?" 

"Why do you want references?" 

"Do I have to dress for the next interview?" 

"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?" 

"Will the company move my rock collection from California to
Maryland?" 

"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?" 

"Does your health insurance cover pets?" 

"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?" 

"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?" 

"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"

"Why am I here?"


Unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process.

I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement. 

At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.

I feel uneasy indoors. 

Sometimes I feel like smashing things. 

Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars. 

I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington. 

I get excited very easily. 

Once a week, I usually feel hot all over. 

I am fascinated by fire. 

I like tall women. 

Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.

People are always watching me. 

If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back. 

Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct. 

I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker. 

I never get hungry. 

I know who is responsible for most of my troubles.

If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.

I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on
me. 

My legs are really hairy. 

I think I'm going to throw-up.


How To Photograph A New Puppy

1. Remove film from box and load camera.

2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

4. Choose a suitable background for photo.

5. Mount camera on tripod and focus. 

6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees. 

9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand. 

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens. 

11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash. 

12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.

13. Put magazines back on coffee table.

14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your 
head.

15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No,
outside! No, outside!"

17. Call spouse to clean up mess. 18. Fix a drink.

19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit"
and "stay" the first thing in the morning.


How Specs Live Forever 

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4
feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that
gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and
the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the
English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines
were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways,
and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built
the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for
building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the
wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any
other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long
distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance
roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of
their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts?
The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of
destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots.
Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all
alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United
State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from
the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.
Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are
handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it,
you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were
made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war
horses.


Alliterated Prodigal Son

The Final Fixing of the Foolish Fugitive

Feeling footloose, fancy-free and frisky, this feather-brained fellow
finagled his fond father into forking over his fortune. Forthwith, he
fled for foreign fields and frittered his farthings feasting
fabulously with fair-weather friends. Finally, fleeced by those folly
filled fellows and facing famine, he found himself a feed flinger in a
filthy farm-lot. He fain would have filled his frame with foraged
food from fodder fragments.

"Fooey! My father's flunkies fare far fancier," the frazzled
fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact.

Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he fled for
his family. Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly.
"Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further family
favors . . ."

But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching,
frantically flagged his flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and
fix a feast.

But the fugitive's fault finding frater , faithfully farming his
father's fields for free, frowned at this fickle forgiveness of former
falderal. His fury flashed, but fussing was futile.

His foresighted father figured, "Such filial fidelity is fine, but
what forbids fervent festivities? The fugitive is found! Unfurl the
flags! With fanfare flaring, let fun, frolic and frivolity flow
freely, former failures forgotten and folly forsaken. Forgiveness
forms a firm foundation for future fortitude."

Originally composed by Rev. W. O. Taylor, quoted in More Holy Humor,
Cal and Rose Samra, Thomas Nelson Publishers, ISBN 0-7852-7156-2,
modified by Robert Woodman.


Microsoft God


Microsoft Corporation today announced its intention to purchase,
copyright,
and upgrade God. The new product, Microsoft God(, will be released
sometime
in late 1998.

"Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said
Dave McCavaugh, Director of Microsoft's religion Division. "Microsoft God
will make religion more accessible, adding the capability of a seamless
and
user-friendly interface. Our superior technological development team as
and
no problem improving upon every other product we've acquired. This one
will
be no different."

The new Microsoft Religion line will include several add-on
products to Microsoft God:

*Microsoft Evangelism: Marketed as a competitive upgrade, this
data-conversion product will write over any previous religion programs or
files it finds in the consumer's hard drive. References to "Allah," for
example, are automatically converted to "God."

*Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: Bill Gates is said to have
professed an ambition to make the deity directly and instantaneously
accessible to anyone using the Microsoft Internet Explorer web browser.
It
supports several new interactive applications, including Dynamic
Salvation
and Active Prayer Pages (APP).

*Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSWYG interface, this
product
will allow worshippers to constructive effective prayers in a minimum of
time. It will offer templates for popular prayer forms, and
fill-in-the-blank forms for a wide variety of customizable entreaties. A
Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer
to Microsoft God and Prayer Wizards will enable less educated users to
construct new types of prayer with a minimum learning curve.

*Microsoft Jesus: This product will allow worshippers to transfer
their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the
product will erase itself from the user's system and establish a clear
line
of secure user communications with Microsoft God.

*Microsoft The Word: This will be a new adaptation of the company's
very successful text processor.

There is speculation in the industry that Microsoft will announce
further complementary offerings in its Religion line. In particular,
separate program modules will be made available for most of the larger
religious traditions within one year. However, products geared to the
smaller denominations and sects will be left to the aftermarket. America
Online is said to be interested in developing the Judaism interface to
Microsoft God, and a Salt Lake City, Utah, firm is developing
supplementary
programming that will enable Mormons to use Microsoft God to communicate
with their ancestors. A new Buddhism add-on program is expected from
Lotus.
A spokesperson for Netscape Communications, Microsoft's main competitor
in
the web browser market, has denied rumors that it is planning to release
a
competing product, Netscape Satan, and Philippe Kahn of Borland software,
which has been the victim of some heavy-handed competition from
Microsoft,
was unable to be reached for comments regarding the persistent rumor that
Borland's software engineers are working on a prototype of a program
called
CyberSoul.


A Light In The Dark


Bell Labs Prove Existence of Dark Suckers

(Reprinted from the Bell Labs Newsletter)

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light.
However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise.
Electric bulbs do not emit light, they suck dark. Thus they are
now called dark suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory, according to a
Bell Labs spokesperon, proves the existence of dark, that dark
has a mass heavier than that of light, and that dark travels
faster than light.

The basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck
dark. Take for example the dark suckers in the room where you
are. There is less dark in the immediate area of the dark suckers
than there is elsewhere in the room. The larger the dark sucker,
the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking
lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As
with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are
full of dark they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black
spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker.
A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that, after the
first use, the wic turns black -- representing all the dark which
has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of
an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in
the way of the dark flowing into the candle.

Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited
range. There are, fortunately, portable dark suckers. The bulbs
in these cannot handle all of the dark by themselves, and require
the use of additional dark storage units. When the dark storage
unit, referred to by some as a battery, is full it must either
be emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can
operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from
this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an
operating dark sucker. Candles present a special hazard because
the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass.
This generates a large quantity of heat, which makes it
inadvisable to touch an operating candle.

Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper
you notice that it slowly gets darker and darker. When you reach
a depth of aproximately 80 meters, you are in total darkness.
This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the water
and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of
dark can be utilized to humankind's advantage. Dark which has
settled to the bottoms of lakes can be pushed through turbines to
generate electricity. In this way dark can be forced into the
oceans where it can be safely stored.

Prior to the invention of the turbine it was much more difficult
to get dark from rivers and lakes to the oceans. The Indians
recognized this problem and tried to solve it. When on a river in
a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of dark,
Indians paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark. When
they traveled against the flow of dark they paddled quickly to
help push the dark along its way.

Finally, it becomes clear that dark is faster than light. If you
stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet
you notice that, as you slowly open the closet door, light slowly
enters the closet. However the dark moves so quickly that you are
not able to see the dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, scientists from the Bell Labs have noted that dark
suckers make our lives easier and more enjoyable. So the next
time you look at an electric bulb remember that its function is
actually that of a dark sucker.


Have you ever tried this !!!!

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow,
just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently,
"That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cat's front paws down
with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill

into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist
impulse to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled
in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your
torso 
over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's 
mouth 
by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in quickly. Since your
head 
is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. 
That's just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a
good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway?
Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position #1, say sternly, "Who's the

boss here, anyway? " Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those
flashing claws are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread
towel on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. 
Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge. 13. 
Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse

to flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man
or woman.

15. Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press
its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.


PET FROG

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet.

After looking around she realized that all the pets were very
expensive.

She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to
buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive", she
said.

"Well, said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for
$50.00. Would you like to see it?"

"50.00?? For a frog??" asked the woman.

The clerk said " It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs."

Well the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she
thought this was a hell of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift
he surely would enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. 
The woman decided to buy the frog.

She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. 
Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure
he'd try it out that night.

The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never
have to give another blow job. Around two in the morning, she
woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen.

She got up to see what was going on. When she got up to the
kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen
table like best buddies, looking through a cookbook.

"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?"
asked the woman.

The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog
to cook, your ass is outta here!!!"


WHY BICYCLES ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
==================================

* You can ride a bicycle any time. 
* Bicycles don't whine if you ride other bicycles. 
* You and your bicycle arrive at your destination at the same
time. 
* You can read bicycle magazines and they won't complain. 
* You can stop riding a bicycle at any time and the bicycle
won't complain.
* Bicycles don't get headaches. 
* Bicycles won't whine if you are a bad rider. 
* You don't have to take bicycles to dinner. 
* You can bring a black bicycle home to your parents for dinner.
* The only protection you need to ride a bike is a helmet. 
* You can talk about the great ride you had on your bicycle
without any problem. 

And don't forget the BEST REASON:

It doesn't cost you half of everything you own to get a new bike!



TOP TEN REASONS STUDYING IS BETTER THAN SEX!

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up
where you left off.
8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else
has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as
a "book teaser"
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in
the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your
roommate for help!



Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women

Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles' curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
Motorcycles don't have parents.
Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when
the old one is _really_ worn.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have
ridden.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same
time.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if
you buy Motorcycle magazines.
New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay
for them, you don't get them.
If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss
politics to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your
Motorcycle.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register
your Motorcycle.
You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a
motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
If you say bad things to your Motorcycle, you don't have to
apologize before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get
sore.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after
you dump it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other
Motorcycles.
Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get
better parts.
You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very
well.


WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

(please note, I have eliminated the obvious copies like, "you can
have a guitar all month long", and "a guitar doesn't care how
many guitars you own")

1. A guitar has a volume knob
2. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $.79 for a
new one
3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to
4. You can unplug a guitar
5. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it
wants more
6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset
7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not
arrested
8. You can have a guitar any color you want and noone will care
9. You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by
turning a peg.
10. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can retune
it
11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar
12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a
lighter set
13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your*
liking
14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not
required
15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want
for free
16. It's good to have a guitar that's stretched out.
17. You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling
embarassed.
18. You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it
before you.
19. You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no
protective covering.
20. You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.
21. A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when you
sell it.


The young priest invited the old priest to his home for dinner. 
During the course of the evening, the old priest noticed that the
housekeeper was extremely beautiful, shapely and young. The
young priest surmised what he was thinking and said, "Father,
whatever you're thinking...it isn't true. She's just my
housekeeper and that's all." The old priest just smiled. 

A week later, the housekeeper went to the young priest and said,
"I don't want to accuse or point fingers at anyone, but ever
since Father was here for dinner, I can't find the silver gravy
ladle." The young priest assured her he would handle the
situation. 

He wrote a note to the old priest saying, "Father, I don't want
to say you took it, and I don't want to say you didn't take it,
but ever since you were here for dinner...my silver gravy ladle
is missing."

When the old priest read the note, he chuckled to himself and
wrote the following note back, "Father, I don't want to say
you're sleeping with your housekeeper and I don't want to say
you're not sleeping with your housekeeper, but if you had been
sleeping in your *own* bed, you would have found the silver gravy
ladle by now!!" 


And He Said:

Winning doesn't matter much to me. I just like playing golf.

I respect your opinion, although it differs from mine
considerably.

You don't need to bring the boat closer, I can jump from here.

It was driven by a little old lady to and from church.

We do not need to guarantee our product, it never fails.

With this camera, you can't make a serious mistake.

Practically everything in the car is under warranty.

I trust any elected official to do their job properly.

One application of this wax should last at least a year, if not
longer.

There really are no exclusions in this policy, it covers
everything.

It will work better if you remove the safety device.

Read my lips. No new taxes.

It will be shipped tomorrow and you will receive it within five
days.

The check for that item is in the mail.

This offer is for a limited time only, so you must hurry.

It is a wonderful home in a crime free neighborhood at a
ridiculous price.

If you have any problem with it, just let us know.

This IRS payment will just have to wait...

There is no way anything could go wrong with it, it has been
checked.

It comes with an unconditional guarantee.

We have never had any complaints about this product in the
history of it.

This is a maintenance free product and requires no work to keep
it going.

This mechanism has always been trouble free.

Product requires minimal assembly which can be done with a
screwdriver.

Who cares who wins, it's the way you play the game that counts.

When the current stock is sold, it will not be reordered, so buy
it now.

This product is not available in any store at any price.

The weather forecast says sunshine, so leave the boots and
rainwear home.

There is a minimal service charge for each call.

The superintendent will be there shortly to correct the problem.

The home office is in Kyoto, but you will never need to call them
there.

Because of high demand, allow three to six months for delivery.

Our service truck is on the way to your home at this very time.

We have never even heard of any malfunction of this item before.

Our simple assembly instructions make it almost impossible to
fail.

It is absolutely water proof and has never been known to leak.

In the event of minor difficulty, consult the manual for detailed
help.

At this price, you can't afford not to buy it.

In this instance, reconditioned means as good as new.

A friendly consultant is available night or day, as close as your
phone.

We are sure that the sub-assembly will be in with the next
shipment.

It was sold to you "as is," and that means we can do nothing with
it.

Our generous cash refund policy does not apply to that item.



"We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million
typewriters would eventually reproduce the entire works of
Shakespeare. Now thanks to the Internet we know that this
is not true" - Robert Silensky


While out at a country fair one fine afternoon, the local vicar is stood
watching some hypnotism. "Aha" he thinks, being a slightly unscrupulous
chap, "I'll try that on Sunday, I might be able to get the church roof
fixed or even have a holiday out of it".

So, at the end of his sermon on Sunday, he produces his grandfathers old
gold watch and chain and proceeds to wave it from side to side in front
of his congregation.

His only two members of the congregation slide slowly into a trance at
which point the vicar thinks to himself "What can i do now? Ah! I know".

He tells the congregation to put a pound in the collection tray as they
leave, and next week bring a friend.

The following week there are four people in the church, and at the end
of the sermon out comes the watch and chain.
The congregation fall slowly into a trance and then the vicar tells them
"On your way out put two pounds in the tray and next week bring two
friends".

The following week there are twelve people in the church. At the end of
the sermon out comes the watch and chain, which is waved in the same
manner as the previous week.
The congregation fall slowly into a trance and then the vicar tells them
"On your way out put three pounds in the tray and next week bring three
friends".

The following week at the end of the sermon out comes the watch and
chain, which is waved in the same manner as the previous weeks.
The congregation fall slowly into a trance and then the vicar tells them
"On your way out put four pounds in the tray and next week bring four
friends".

The following week at the end of the sermon out comes the watch and
chain, which is waved in the same manner as the previous weeks.
The congregation fall slowly into a trance and then the vicar tells them
"On your way out put five pounds in the tray and next week bring five
friends".

The following week the church is packed to capacity, but the vicar's
getting greedy now as he can see a holiday being afforded as well as the
church roof being fixed. At the end of the sermon out comes the watch
and chain, which is waved in the same manner as the previous weeks. The
congregation fall slowly into a trance and then the vicar tells them "On
your way out put Six pounds in the tray and next week bring Six
friends".

The following week the vicar decides that due to the distinct lack of
space he would not ask them to bring friends next week but would make
the usual collection one last time, and so at the end of the sermon out
comes the watch and chain, which is waved in the same manner as the
previous week.

The congregation have just fallen into a trance when the watch chain
snaps.

"SHIT" says the vicar out loudly.............



.....It took them three weeks to clean the church out.


Newly-dead Blondes

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter
tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple
question. St Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November
when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful...."

"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the
same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we
put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of
Jesus." 

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in
disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the
third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes,
"I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the
last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans
by one of his disciples. "The Romans took him to be crucified and he
was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung
on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby
cave which was sealed off by a arge boulder." 

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so
that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be
six more weeks of winter......."



An American was waiting on a London street corner. An attractive
English 
girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her
waist.


"A bit airy..." remarked the American. 

To which the Cockney girl said, " 'ell yes! What did you expect -
feathers?!"



THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVie
> >
> > 1. Wear a top hat.
> > 2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
> > 3. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
> > 4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
> > 5. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..."
> > 6. Starting wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have
> some Juijy
> > Fruits for you asthma.
> > 7. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"
> > 8. Whenever the badguy is doing something devoius, say, " Watch 
out!"
> > 9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
> > 10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girls bathroom is 
flooding.
> > 11. Yell out what is going to happen.
> > 12. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while
> smiling.
> > 13. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm
> Batman!
> > Hahaha!"
> > and run away.
> > 14. Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit.
> > 15. Say that they cannot sit next to you because you invisible
> friend already
> > is.
> > 16. Yell outloud, "Stop molesting me!"



A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but 
unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The
driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled 
over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the 
rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so
awful, he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the
road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what 
was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this
rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew
what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She
walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the
can onto the rabbit. 

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the
two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, 
turned around, waved and continued to hop down the road, then turned 
another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters and
continues out of sight, apparently still hoping and waving every 50
meters. 

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be
in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is
in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said:

[Now brace yourself]







Hair spray.
Restores life to dead hair.
Adds permanent wave.






...heh heh heh...at least I did not write it. 
=backs away seeing all you approaching him with various sharp pointy
objects and implements of destruction= 
Hey now it was only a joke! =runs and hides=



SHIT


Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the
concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit
may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

Consider: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck,
or have shit for brains. With a little effort you
can get your shit together, find a place for your shit
or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke
shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget
shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.

You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit
your life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained,
shit blinded, and shit over. Some people know their
shit while others can't tell the difference between shit
and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and
sweet shits. There is bull shit, dog shit, cat shit,
bird shit, whale shit, rat shit, and horse shit.
There is tough shit, hard shit, soft shit, slimy shit,
rough shit, limp shit. You can shit a blue streak,
shit bricks, shit pink twinkies, shit marbles, or shit
your guts out.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck
when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give
a shit, keep shit or serve shit on a shingle. You
can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a
pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter
than shit, and some days are just plane shitty.
There is funny shit and sad shit, bad shit and
good shit. Some shit doesn't stink while other
things really smell like shit.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like
shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can be faster than shit or you can be slower
than shit. Sometimes you'll find shit on a stick,
sometimes you'll find shit everywhere, and then there
are times when you can't find shit at all. You can
have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit,
the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit..

You can carry shit in a bucket, put shit in a barrel,
have a pile of shit, have a mountain of shit, have a
river of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without
a paddle. You can slice shit, spread shit, dunk shit
or jump shit, and some people just can't cut the shit.

There is fun shit and dull shit, silly shit and
serious shit. Sometimes you really need this shit
and sometimes you don't want any shit at all.
You can stir shit, kick shit or stick your ass out
the window and shit on the world. Sometimes
everything you touch turns to shit and other times you
swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of creation. This
means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG
but rather with a BIG DUMP. Keep that in mind the
next time you flush the toilet. And remember, once
you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.


BOYS
> A heart is not a play thing, 
> a heart is not a toy, 
> but if you want it broken, 
> Just give it to a boy.
> 
> Boys they like to play with things 
> To see what makes them run, 
> But when it comes to kissing, 
> They do it just for fun.
> 
> Boys never give their hearts away
> They play us girls for fools, 
> They wait untill we give our hearts 
> And then they play it cool.
> 
> You will wonder where he is a night 
> You will wonder if hes true, 
> One moment you will be happy, 
> One moment you will be blue. 
> 
> If you get a chance to see him
> Your heart begins to dance
> Your life revolves around him, 
> Theres nothing like romance.
> 
> And then it starts to happen, 
> You worry day and night
> You see, my friend, you're losing him
> It never turns out right.
> 
> Boys are great, though immature
> The price you pay is high, 
> He may seem sweet and gorgeous
> But remember, hes a guy. 
> 
> Don't fall in love with just a boy 
> That takes alot of nerve.
> You see, my friend, you need a man
> To get what you deserve.
> 
> So when you think that you're in love, 
> Be careful if you can
> Before you give your heart away
> Make sure that hes a man.



- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

- I intend to live forever- so far, so good

- I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

- If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

- Mental backup in progress- Do Not Disturb!

- Mind Like A Steel Trap- Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

- Support bacteria- they're the only culture some people have

- Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be
lazy.

- If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...

- 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked
something.

- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

- When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty
crowded.

- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

- If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

- I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

- Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

- Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

- Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.



Online host: ***You are in "Endless Void."***

People in Room(1) Mr. Big
Mr. Big: Hi there.
Mr. Big: Oops, I forgot.
Online Host: Light has entered the room.
Online Host: Earth has entered the room.
Online Host: Vegetation has entered the room.
Online Host: Beast&Bird has entered the room.
Mr. Big: This is good.
Beast&Bird: Moo. Quack. Oink. Grrrrr. Ook-ook.
Mr. Big: Does anybody have any topics?
Beast&Bird: Growl. Chirp. Squeak.
Mr. Big: Press 1 if you think long white beards are cool.
Beast&Bird: Bow-wow. Hoot. Awooooooo. Glub glub.
Mr. Big: This SUCKS
Online Host: Mr. Big, you are in violation of your Terms of
Agreement. Mr. Big: I made you AND your Terms of Agreement.
Online Host: Sorry. :-) Mr. Big: . Mr. Big: . Mr. Big: 
I'm bored. Mr. Big: <---idea Online Host: #1Man has entered
the room.
#1Man: Wher is evrybody today?
Mr. Big: {{{{{#1Man}}}}}}
#1Man: Any hot chicks in here?
Mr. Big: Uh, no.
#1Man: Age/sex check
Mr. Big: I am without form and beyond all time.
#1Man: I like big boobs. Can I rub yurs?
Mr. Big: I'd better do something here.
#1Man: Zzzzzzzzzzzz
Online Host: RibGirl has entered the room.
RibGirl: Hi!
Mr. Big: {{{RibGirl}}}
RibGirl: ;-)
#1Man: Any gals, 5 minutes old, wanna chat?
Online Host: Wigglyguy has entered the room.
Wigglyguy: ssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Wigglyguy: Sorry, my "s" key was stuck.
Wigglyguy: <----pointing at delicious apple
RibGirl: Mmmmm *apples* -O -O -O -O
#1Man: <----reaching for appil
#1Man: Let me hav a bite.
RibGirl: <----downloading bite of apple to #1Man
Mr. Big: Okay, losers, get out of this room.
Wigglyguy: LOL
Mr. Big: Eating that apple is a GOD violation.
RibGirl: Wait. How were we supposed to know?
Mr. Big: Hmmph. Newbies.
RibGirl: But we could have lived all our lives in a paradise
Wigglyguy: ROFL RibGirl: Are u sure u want to throw an
actual woman off line? Mr. Big: Good point. You can stay.
Wigglyguy: What's the topic? RibGirl: I like guys who are
into acoustic RibGirl: music, who write poetry, and who know how
RibGirl: to listen.
#1Man: I like giant hooters.
RibGirl: Close enough. Let's go to a private room.
Online Host: RibGirl has left the room.
Online Host: #1Man has left the room.
Mr. Big: Great, now I'm back where I started.
Online Host: RibGirl has entered the room.
Online Host: #1Man has entered the room.
Online Host: First Born has entered the room.
Online Host: Abel4004BC has entered the room.
Mr. Big: That was fast work.
RibGirl: Hey, we're still paying the hourly rate for AOL.
Wigglyguy: Too many kids on today------ bye
Online Host: Wigglyguy has left the room.
#1Man: All that cybursex mad me hungry.
#1Man: Any more appils?
Abel4004BC: Type 1 if you like farming
Abel4004BC: 1
Abel4004BC: 1
Abel4004BC: 1
First Born: Stop polling
Abel4004BC: 1
Abel4004BC: 1
First Born: STOP POLLING NOBODY CARES
Abel4004BC: 1
First Born: Stop it or I'll kill you
Abel4004BC: 1
Mr Big: I should've stopped on the fifth day. :-(


"Hello, How may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away.",

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

....."Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."

....."Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."

....."Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's
dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like
it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."



DESERTED ISLAND

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere
where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 Kiwi men and 1 Kiwi woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of
nowhere...

The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman
The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together
in a "menage a trois"
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they have
to alternate with the German woman
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman
is cleaning and cooking for them
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at
the woman and started swimming
The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while
the woman keeps on bitching about her body, being her own and the
true nature of feminism. But at least... it is not snowing and
the taxes are low.
The Australians are all wankers, so who cares?
The two Kiwi men start searching the island for sheep while the
woman gets friendly with a big banana she has found
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and
setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the
picture, 'cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres
of coconut-whiskey - but, happily, at least they know the English
aren't getting any.


A student comes to a young professor's office.
She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels
pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer
to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his 
yes.
"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*."

He returns her gaze. "Anything ?"

"*Anything*."

His voice softens. "*Anything* ?"

"*Anything*."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... *study* ?"



First time on a Boeing


A blonde gets an oppurtunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never
been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. 

As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in
excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting 'BOEING!
BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....'. 

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears
the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts
'BE SILENT!'. 

There was pin-drop silence every where and everybody is looking at the
blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a
moment and all of a sudden started shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!!
OE...'. 


HERE'S A QUICK QUIZ FOR THE "GENTLE"MEN....


1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to c)
Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with
is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that
sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times: check your pants to make sure
you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times: check into therapy, you're
still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times: call me up. Let's go drinking.


Men and Their Brains


One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.
"I've got some good news and some bad news", God said.

Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is
called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new
things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.

The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you
to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet.
Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her
children.

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have
given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great
tidings?

God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news
is that I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these
organs at a time.


News Flash:

     In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced
     yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1999.

     1999 will be replaced instead by 'Year-M' to be followed by
     actual 1999.

     "Windows 98 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said.  "But
     we couldn't change the name again... people were starting to get confused."

     Instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing
     campaign we decided just to buy 1999.  "That way we get an extra year
     to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1999."

     Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets
     to bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt.

     "The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be
     collected as usual with one change: all checks must be made payable to
     Bill Gates."

     A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial
     branch for the duration of 'Year-M.'  Speculators stated that Gates
     would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits
     pending against Microsoft.  Gates apparently feels this would be
     cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.

     In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of
     his purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God.  In a
     countersuit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be broken up into
     'deity conglomerates.'

     "Gosh," said Gates. "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?"

     Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an
     early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer.  Evidently, God
     has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer:  HE
     doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married,
     and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping.

     "If we could just get some employees like that," Gates lamented,
     "we would be able to ship Windows 98 on time."


Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the
door.

A Japanese deliveryman is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck
full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling: "you sign, you
sign". The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the
door.

The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great
man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting: "you
sign, you sign".  Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back
with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president
sign  for the goods.
  
Mandela loses his temper and yells: "look, I don't want these. Do you
understand?  You have the wrong name". Puzzled, the Japanese man
consults his clipboard and asks: "You not Nissan Maindealer?

*******************

Not Tonight Dear
a play in one act,
by Gary Hallock

He:     "?"
She:    "."
He:     "!"
                       

A man goes to the doctor complaining of badly swollen hemmoroids. 

The doctor examines him carefully, then gives the man a dozen
suppositories. "Use these one at a time, replacing them as they dissolve.
You should be better in a day or two." 

The man leaves with the suppositories in hand. 

An hour later the man returns and tells the doctor that the suppositories
are all gone, and that he is still in pain. 

The doctor is astounded! "My god, what did you do with those
suppositories, eat them?" 

The man replied, "What the hell did you want me to do with them...shove
them up my ass?" 
                     
*******************

The other day I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the
horse starts bouncing out of control. 

I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things
could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. 

When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to
bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. 

Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart manager
came out and unplugged it.


There was a guy who just got out
        of a really bad divorce with his
        wife. One day, he found a genie's
        lamp. The genie came out and
said," Hello master. I will grant you three
wishes but, what ever you wish for your
wife gets double." The guy didn't like that
part but he made a wish anyway. For his
first wish, he said, "Genie, I want a house in
Hawaii." POOF!!! He got one house, his
wife got two. This didn't make him happy
but, he made his second wish. "Genie, I
want 2 billion dollars." POOF! He got two
billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy
isn't very happy. The genie says, "You have
one wish left. I have to remind you, what
ever you wish for your wife gets double."
The guy says," Yeah, yeah.I know." So the
guy thinks real hard and says " I got it!
Genie, beat me half to death!!"


A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife
had
                  been to him and how fortunate he was to have her. He
asked God, "Why did you
                  make her so kind-hearted?" The Lord responded, "So you
could love her, my
                  son." "Why did you make her so good-looking?" "So you
could love her, my
                  son." "Why did you make her such a good cook?" "So you
could love her, my
                  son." The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't
mean to seem ungrateful
                  or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my
                  son." 

     Where does Kylie Minogue buy her kebabs?
     Jason's Donovan. 

     A woman walks into an agents office and says "I want to be on stage
or TV" to which the agent
     replies, "well, what do you do?". the woman says, "well I cant sing
or dance, but I can do this..."
     She picks up her skirt and starts to whistle twinkle twinkle little
star out of her mingle. "THAT'S
     FANTASTIC!" the agent says, "Hang on a minute," he picks up the phone
and calls one of his
     agent friends, "Listen to this" he says to his friend excitedly and
puts the telephone next to the
     woman's minge, she starts to whistle the tune again in perfect
rhythm. " what do you think of that?"
     he says to his mate, "just sounds like some cunt whistling to me!"


     There were two nuns driving their little mini cooper down a long and
winding road in Transylvania
     one Friday night, both listening to 'The Bee Gees' on the radio when
suddenly, a vampire jumps out
     in front of the car. The driving nun quickly stops the car and looks
at her passenger in fright. She
     says to her passenger "What shall we do?" The passenger replies
frantically "Show him your
     cross". So the other nun gets out of the car and shouts "SOD OFF YOU
SCUM SUCKING
     PUNY ARSE-FACED VAMPIRE YOU!"



A hunchback is running away
        from some kids that are chasing
        him. He stops and turns round
        and says, "Look, for the last time,
I haven't got your football."


Neoma sends:

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.  Always
wear them one day after your boss does.  (This is especially effective if
your boss is a different gender than you are.)

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these
names."That's a good point, Sparky."   "No, I'm sorry, I'm going to have
to disagree with you there, Chachi."

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing.
For example:  "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

"Hi-lite" your shoes.  Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since
you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're
waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for
lunch,and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting.  During the
meeting, eat five entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com".

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries
with that. 

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about
the direction of one of your company's products.  Forward the mail to a
co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk.  Label it "IN."

Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge.
Try to pass them off as your children.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in
the fish tank.  If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many
you can catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the
lunchroom,when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat
your stomach,and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks.  Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

*******************

A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!"  
A man at the front of the bar stands up and says "Hey! I resent that!"  
So the first man asks, "Why are you a lawyer?"  
"NO! I'm an asshole!".
                       
*******************

Q:  How do you set off a bomb in India?
A:  Push the red button on the scientist's forehead! 
                     
*******************

A study was conducted by the U.S. to determine why the head of a man's
penis was larger than the shaft. The study took 2 years and cost $180,000.
The results of the study concluded that the head was larger than the shaft
in order to provide the man with greater pleasure during sex. 

When the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own
study since they weren't convinced of the results of the U.S. study. Three
years later, at a cost of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a mans
penis was larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure
during sex. 

Hearing of these results, a group of doctors in Newfoundland decided to
conduct their own study. The Newfoundlanders didn't trust the U.S. or
German studies. After nearly three weeks of intense research and a cost of
$75, the Newfoundland study reached a conclusion. They concluded that the
reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent
his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead. 


The following are actual English subtitles used in films from 
Hong Kong:

  * I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
  * Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
  * Gun wounds again?
  * Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
  * A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
  * Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken
  * Take my advice, or I'll spank you.
  * Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
  * This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum.  
     I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and 
     leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
  * Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
  * I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
  * You daring lousy guy.
  * Beat him out of recognizable shape!
  * Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short
     rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for 
     a thorough extermination.
  * I have been scared silly too much lately.
  * I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
  * Beware!  Your bones are going to be disconnected.
  * The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
  * How can you use my intestines as a gift?
  * Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a 
     team up together and go into the country to inflict the 
     pain of our karate feets on some but of the giant lizard 
     person.
  * You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice 
     chicken.

*******************

John Davidson sends:

There are two cows in a field and the first cow says
"What do you think about this mad cow disease then?"
The second cow says, "I dont care"
The first cow says, "Why not????"
"Well I'm a squirrel."
                       
*******************

Trekker sends:

There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The 
driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper 
or any buttons.  Finally he stopped the bike and told the other 
guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest." 
After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on 
backwards to block the air from hitting him.

So they were driving down the road and they came around this curve
and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told 
them what happened.  The police asked him, "are either of them
showing any lifesigns?"  The farmer then said, "well, that 
first one was 'till i turned his head around the right way."
                     
*******************

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a
beautiful woman and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual
statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "identifies that
American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the
biggest average diameter.

By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."


In support of the recent Southern Baptist edict that women should
"submit to their  husbands", we have acquired an inventory of beginning
B&D supplies for the Baptist  couple eager to explore the righteous ways
of wife domination.

1) Starter kit: leather masks with zippers and cat 'o nine tails. The
masks are  clearly emblazoned with Christian Fish symbols on the
forehead area.

2) Nipple Clamps of the Holy Trinity: Three brass nipple clamps held
together with  golden chains of appropriate length, allowing the
masterful husband many options in attaching the third "Holy Spirit"
clamp.

3) Mary Magdalene's Leather Pants: This "cheekless" design allows full
access to  spanking surfaces when the wife is in her proper penitent,
kneeling position.

4) Wrath of God: a 12-foot bullwhip of black cowhide on a Communion
chalice handle for  putting the fear of God into wives who have strayed
(e.g. thinking for themselves or  having an opinion with no regard for the
damage this causes the family).

5) The Rack of St. Stephen: Sturdy construction with heavy, fur-lined
wrist and ankle  restraints. Can be spun upside down for the St. Paul
variant.

6) The Archangel: Large punishment phallus of sufficient diameter and
length to make  any wayward wife admit her heretical ways and beg
forgiveness.

7) The Judas Wand: A handsome vibrator that works well for five minutes
then shuts  down automatically, leaving the wife more dependent than ever
on her Master.

8) Riding Crop of the Pharacies: Teach your wife the ways of the Lord
with this sturdy  handcrafted riding crop.

9) Anointment: a thick, non-toxic balm scented with myrrh and
frankincense. Perfect  for easing the pain of heavily welted skin or
allowing the Master easier penetration when teaching a lesson regarding
the ways of Sodom.

*******************
Angel Santiago sends:

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the clerk, "Can you show me where
the flashlight batteries are?".
The clerk says, "Sure.", and wiggled his fingers at her in a come-hither
gesture. 
"Come this way.", he continued. 
The woman replied "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the
flashlight batteries.".
                       
*******************

A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate 
who used very foul language. As the clone cursed and swore, the 
scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death. 
Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall. 

**groan**  wasn't me... *eg*
                     
*******************

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph.
Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar.

Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent
illegal alien incidents.

The cop walked up to the window and said,
"You know how fast you were going BOY?!?"

Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhhh, over 55?"

"93mph son!  93mph in a 55 zone!"

"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"

Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion,
"That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took
a good look at the Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have
a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts
on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?"

"I'm a Pussy stretcher!!!" replied Bob.

"What you say, BOY?!?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a Pussy stretcher!!!"

Of course the cop asked, "What does a Pussy stretcher do?"

Bob explained, "Girls call me up and say they want to be stretched,
so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple
more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and
farther apart until it's six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard
and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot Pussy?"

Bob nonchalantly commented,
"You give it a radar detector and stick it at the end of a bridge!


WARNING!
  A new virus has been recently discovered.  One person can pass it on
  to
millions (as it is very contagious).  The Centers for Disease Control
has reported this week that the virus spreads very rapidly from one
person to the next.  They have given this virus a very interesting
name.  It is called.....
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  .
  a SMILE...

  uh oh!!

  too late
  I see it on your face already!

  See how many people you can give this silly virus to. :-)


English can be a difficult language to learn (and even harder
when people in other countries try to make signs which their
English-speaking visitors can read)

The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time
we regret that you will be unbearable.
(In a Bucharest hotel lobby)

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the
horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he
still obstacle your passage, then tootle him with
vigor. If honorable horse obstacle your path, pull
over until he he pass away.
(From a Japanese car-rental firm's informative brochure)

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.
If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is
then going alphabetically by national order.
(Inside an elevator in Yugoslavia)

Please leave your values at the front desk.
(At a Paris hotel)

Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of
repose in the boots of ascension.
(At an Austrian ski lodge)

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
(On the menu of a Swiss restaurant)

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup
with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger;
roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in
the country people's fashion.
(On the menu of a Polish hotel's restaurant)

For your convenience we recommend
courteous, efficient self-service.
(At a Hong Kong supermarket)

Drop your trousers here for best results.
(At a Taiwanese laundry)

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush
we will execute customers in strict rotation.
(At a Hong Kong tailor shop)

There will be a Moscow Exhibition of the Arts by
15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors.
These were executed over the past two years.
(In Soviet Weekly)

A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape
since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of
their workers.
(In an East African newspaper)

Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.
(Advertisement of a Hong Kong dentist)

A lot of water has been passed under the bridge
since this variation has been played.
(In a Russian book on chess)

Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin.
(In the window of a Swedish furrier)

Stop -- Drive sideways.
(Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan)

Specialist in women and other diseases.
(On the door of a Roman doctor's office)

Cooles and heates: If you want just condition of
warm in your room, please control yourself.
(Instructions accompanying new Japanese air conditioners)

English well talking.
Here speeching American.
(Signs at two Majorcan shops)

Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
(In a Paris hotel elevator)

Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
(In an Athens hotel)

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the
job of the chambermaid.
(In a Yugoslavian hotel)

You are invited to take advantage of the women
who are employed to clean the room.
(In a Japanese hotel)

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where
famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists
and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
(At a Moscow hotel across the street from a
 Russian Orthodox monastery)

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
(In a Hong Kong tailor shop)

It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest
camping site that people of different sex, for
instance, men and women, live together in one
tent unless they are married with each other for
that purpose.
(At a German campground)

Ladies, please leave your clothes here and
spend the afternoon having a good time.
(Outside a Rome laundry)

Take one of our horse-drawn city tours.
We guarantee no miscarriages.

(Czech tourist agency brochure)

Special Today -- NO ICE CREAM.
(At a Swiss mountain inn)

We take your bags and send them in all directions.
(Slogan of a Dutch airline)

If this is your first visit to the Soviet Union,
you're welcome to it.
(At a Moscow hotel)

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
(Inside a Swedish lounge)

We are pleased to announce that the manager
has personally passed all the water served here.
(At an Acapulco restaurant)

*******************
Eric in Reno Nevada sends:

You know what BITCH stands for?
 Bill In Trouble Call Hillary
                       
*******************
Dragon4183 wants:
More blonde jokes!!!

          **Especially for you...
Q:  Why are blonde jokes so short?
A:  So men can understand them.
              ** 'nuff said.
                     
*******************
Stevez24 sends:

     A bartender is just getting ready to close one night when this drunk
walks in, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says
"hey buddy, don't you think you've had enough?". "Come on all I want is
one drink" the drunk replies. Reluctantly the bartender serves the drunk
a small beer. As he is nursing his beer he notices a dart board about
thiry feet away on the other side of the bar.
    "Hey give me a dart" the drunk slurs, "No way" the bartender replies
"You'll hurt yourself !!"
"Come on" the drunk says "just one dart", So the bartender hands the
drunk a dart, the drunk spins around almost falling off the barstool and
wings the dart in the direction of the dartboard, to which the dart
lands EXACTLY in the middle.
    "LOOK" yells the drunk "a bulls eye, I should get a prize for that
!!!!" The bartender looking amazed, but still wanting the man out of the
bar takes a turtle out from under the bar that he was going to bring
home to his son, thinking that he didn't know about it yet, and he will
pick up another one tomorrow.
The drunk, now happy, leaves the bar.
    About a month goes by, when again just about closing time the same
drunk wanders into the bar, upon seeing the bartender he gets all
excited and yells, "HEY, I remember you, let me have a dart !!"
"Come on " the bartender says "you'll never do that again" but none the
less he hands him a dart, again the drunk spins around, almost falling
and gets another bulls eye !!!
    "See I told you I could do it again, now where is my prize?" the
drunk asks.  "I don't know" the bartender says "what did I give you the
last time?"
    "Roast beef on a hard roll" the drunk replies...


Beckie Barber's turn! Yaaaayyyyyyy!!

       WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
                              24. Computers
   ASSEMBLER CHICKEN:  First it builds the road ...
   C CHICKEN:  It crosses the road without looking both ways.
   C++ CHICKEN: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply
refer to
   him on the other side.
   COBOL  CHICKEN:   0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
                                      IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES
                                      THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
                                      VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
                                      ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
                                      ELSE
                                      GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
  CRAY  CHICKEN: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if  you don't
dip it in
  liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
  DELPHI  CHICKEN: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the
  other side.
  G3 300 mH CHICKEN: It crosses twice as fast as any Pentium chicken.
  GOPHER  CHICKEN: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
  INTEL PENTIUM  CHICKEN: The chicken crossed 4.9999978 times.
  IOMEGA  CHICKEN: The chicken should have backed up before crossing.
  JAVA  CHICKEN: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server
will
  download one to the other side. (Of course, those are  chicklets.)
  LOTUS CHICKEN: Don't you dare try to cross the road the same way we do!
  MAC  CHICKEN: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the
  road, so there's no way to tell it to.
  MICROSOFT CHICKEN(tm): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just
  bought the road.
  NEWTON  CHICKEN: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can
carry it
  across the road in your pocket!
  NT  CHICKEN: Will cross the road in June. No, August.  September for sure.
  OOP CHICKEN: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
  OS/2  CHICKEN: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so
quiet that
  nobody  noticed.
  OS/ 8.1 HFS+  CHICKEN: It had much more free space to cross.
  QUANTUM LOGIC  CHICKEN: The chicken is distributed  probabalistically on all
  sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice.
  VB  CHICKEN: USHighways!<TheRoad.cross> (aChicken)
  WEB  CHICKEN: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on
running.
  WINDOWS 95  CHICKEN: You see different colored feathers while it crosses,
but
   cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.
  WINDOWS 98  CHICKEN: It should have expected to cause a crash while
crossing.

*******************
T. Faye Carrier sends:

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an athiest?
Someone who knocks on doors for no apparent reason. hahahahaha.  Enjoy!
                       
*******************
Justin Nelson sends:

There are 2 lesbians and 2 queers. Which one is gonna get to D.C. first?

The 2 lesbians will because they are pushing 69 all the way,
and the 2 queers are still packing their shit.

*******************
Amelia writes: 

Hey I'm just responding to one of the "Office Lingo of Generation
Xers"...I've always known a different definition to Brain Fart:  an idea or
thought in your head and suddenly slips out of your mind--leaving you
standing there stupidly because you thought you had
a great idea.  Oh well, I guess this could be definition #2.   =) Amelia

**Cool Amelia!

    BTW thanks for that great demonstration too!!  *eg*
                     
*******************
Wayne Leavitt wanted to share this with us...what a guy!  :p

There was a man who was walking on a beach to a friends house. On the way
he saw a woman with no arms or legs sitting on the beach crying. He went up
to her and asked what was wrong. She said " I have gone through my life
without beeing kissed. " So feeling bad for her, he kissed her, then went
to his friends house.

On his way back that same woman was sitting there crying again. Again
he went to her and asked what was wrong, she said " I have gone my whole
life without being screwed ". So he picked her up and threw her in the
ocean and said " You're screwed now aren't you?? "


Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He
held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her
pale lips moved.

"Jake," she said.

"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted.

"Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must
confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all
right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have
been unfaithful to you."

Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know
all about it", he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"


Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, 
and one a blonde. 
They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided

to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found 
three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage. 
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. 
The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When 
he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy 
yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks." 
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy 
kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, 
"Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it. 
Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so 
the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it. 
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound 
at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, 
"Potatoes".


A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides
to start
with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before
replying
"Ehhhh .. 22!".

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And
can you
tell us your height, please?".

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag.
She then
traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her
head. She
checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!".

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics.
"And ehh,
just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds,
mouthing
something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!".

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just
out of
curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work
out your
age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were
you doing
when we asked you your name?"

"Ohh that!", replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy
birthday
to you, happy birthday to you....' "


Whats the difference between Australia & a Yoghurt?


Leave a Yoghurt 200 years and it will develop a culture!


The Dr. Sue-Us Purity Test

Without a doubt, you will see; this quiz measures your obscenity!
Record your answers, do not lie; for if you do, your mate will die.

Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?

Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?

Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?

Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?

Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?

Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?

Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?

Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?

Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?

Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?

Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?

Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?

Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?

Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?

Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?

Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?

Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?

Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?

Have you done it without style?
Have you done it with a child?

Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?

Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?

Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?

Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?

Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?

Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?

Answer these and count your "no"s, pray this number never grows;
Fifty questions we asked thee, score times two is your Purity



GREAT FEMALE COME-BACKS

Man:  "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man:  "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man:  "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man:  "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man:  "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man:  "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man:  "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man:  "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man:  "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man:  "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man:  "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man:  "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man:  "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man:  "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man:  "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man:  "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man:  "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man:  "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man:  "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man:  "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?



Q. What is the best thing about getting a blow job from a Spice
  Girl? A. 10 minutes of silence.

  Q. What do you do if a Spice Girl hurls a grenade at you?
  A. Take out the pin and throw it back.

  Q. What did the Spice Girls mum say to her daughters date?
  A. If you're not in bed by 11 go home.

  Q. What do you call a Spice Girl behind a steering wheel?
  A. An air bag.

  Q. Whats the difference between an intelligent Spice Girl and a UFO?
  A. Dunno - never seen either

  Q. Whats the difference between a Spice Girl and a 747?
  A. Not everyone has been inside a 747.

  Q. Why do Spice Girls smile when there's lightning?
  A. They think they are getting their photo taken.

  Q. A blonde and a Spice Girl jump off the Empire State building, who
lands
    first?
  A. The blond, the Spice Girl had to stop to ask directions

  Q. How many Spice Girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A. None, they only screw in cars.

  Q. What does a turtle and a Spice Girl have in common?
  A. Put them on their back and they're both fucked.

  Q. Why do Spice Girls have TGIF on their shoes?
  A. Toes Go In First.

  Q. Why do Spice Girls have TGIF on their shirts?
  A. Tits Go In Front.

  Q. Why dont Spice Girls eat bananas?
  A. They cant find the zipper.

  Q. How do you know when Spice Girls have been making chocolate chip
cookies?
  A. You find M&M shells all over the floor.

 Q. What do Spice Girls and a beer bottle have in common? 
 A. They're both empty from the neck up.



Subject:  Abt Ah Beng

Ah Beng went for a job interview for a sales job.
When the manager saw Ah Beng's colourful attire, his mind was shouting
"Not this man ! ! "

Nevertheless he still had to entertain Ah Beng. So he told Ah Beng, "If
you can form a sentence using the words I give you,  maybe I will give you
a chance !"

"The words are "Green, Pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple, Black".

Ah Beng thought for a while and said  " I heard the phone go Green,
Green, and then I went to Pink up the phone and said Yellow. Blue's that ?
White did you say ? wrong number. Don't Purplely disturb people and don't
call Black, ok ?"

**Calvin's in Singapore (and *was* on the shit list), Guess I gotta find
somebody else to pick on now this week, *eg*

******************

Q:  What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A:  Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
                       


What did the wife say to her husband when he got angry at he doctor for
cutting his prescription for Viagra in half?

Now honey don't go off half cocked.
                     
*******************



MEAT DISHES

1. Bol Oxs......................Hot Meat Balls
2. Sur Kum Sihz..............Sausage Slices
3. Hol Mein Kok.............Scrag end encased in ladyfingers
4. Dik Sor.......................Rolled pork fillet rubbed in chile powder
5. Eja Kul Lait.................Shaft of mutton in white cream sauce
6. Rek Tum Blok.............Oversized baked sausage
7. Long Dik.....................Coq in van
8. Yu Nux.......................Meatball extract
9. Veri Ti Rin..................Massive extrusion of forcemeat 

VEGETABLES

10. Wan Kin.........................Bamboo shoots
11. Pei Sof...........................Chinese leaves
12. Wot Kung Fu Dat...........Tossed salad
13. Sik In Lu.........................Sweet and sour hot sauce
14. Pu Bik............................Young sprouts
15. Du Reks..........................Entre Coat
16. Hoo Pong In Kar See......Yellow rice with meat droppings
17. Hoo Kum On Mat...........Thick white rice on ryebread 

SAUCES

18. Pei Sol.......................Cantonese drippings
19. Sei Men Drip.............Delicately flavoured white sauce
20. Yu Kum.....................Hot custard
21. Tor Soff.....................Hand-made thick white sauce
22. Hu Lade Turd.............Brown sauce with nuts
23. Fan Tom Ar Sol..........Invisible brown sauce without nuts 

SPECIALITIES

24. Lik Mein...................Plate of the day
25. Fug Yu.....................Chinese toast
26. Munth Lei.................Popular dish of the period
27. Kow Poo..................Savoury pan cakes
28. Doggi Bag.................Chinese take away
29. Ho Mo......................Sausage surprise
30. Bo Gee.....................Pick of the week 

DESSERTS

31. Vee Dee......................Spotted Dick
32. Kum In Yu..................Cream Squirt
33. Yu Pong......................Crap suzette
34. Kum Lots....................Extra portion of cream
35. Ars Pik.......................Chocolate fingers
36. Hoo Shat in Fann.........Chocolate spread
37. Or Jee.........................Chinese stuffing on bed of mandarins
38. Es Kie Mo Kum...........Frosted banana cream
39. Tu Tun On Goo Lies.....Crushed Nuts
40. Wun Hung Lo..............Mixed nuts
41. Tu Brik Smak..............Puree of nuts
42. Di Rere......................Chinese afters in aromatic sauce
43. Hu Pong.....................Chinese snifters
44. Kwik Wank................Cream slice 

BEVERAGES

45. Yu Rine..................Jasmine Tea
46. Wob Li Tit...............Milk Shake 

Chopsticks extra. 

*Oh! Goh! Ah Beng, I rost da damn ting! *eg*

******************

Q. What do you call a woman without an asshole?
A. Divorced.
                       

Q. What's a woman's asshole doing during orgasm? 
A. He's out having a beer. 
                     
*******************

These are the results of a contest in which the challenge was to
take a common foreign phrase, change one letter only, and then provide a
translation of the modified phrase:

Harle-vous Francais? - Can you drive a French motorcycle? 

Mis En Place - My girl friend's moved in with me. 

Cogito, eggo sum - I think, therefore I'm a waffle.

Rigor Morris - The cat is dead.

Respondez s'il vous plaid - Honk if you're Scottish.

Que sera serf - Life is feudal.

Le Roi est Mort, Jive le Roi - The king is dead - no kidding.

Veni, Vipi, Vici - I came, I am a very important person, I conquered.

Pro Bozo Publico - Support your local clown.

Monage a trois - I am three years old.

Felix Navidad - Our cat has a boat.

Haste Cuisine - Fast French food.

Veni, Vidi, Vice - I came, I saw, I partied.

Quip pro quo - A fast retort.

Aloha Oy - Love, greetings, farewell; from such a pain you should never
know.

Mazel Ton - Tons of good luck.

Filers de Sole - A temporary patch for the hole in my sole

Carette Rotie en Croute - A rotating carrot in a crust.

Mousee an Cirton - The mouse was riding in a Citron

Puirs d'Amour - Murmurs of Love

Pests alla Genovese - Those pesky Genoans

Otto Bucco - That's Otto's book.

Barna Cauda - Thattsa da building code for 'a da out buildings

Capohata - Either a cap or a hat, choose one.


     Everyday I give thanks to God 
     I was born a man instead of a broad 
     When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV 
     I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee 
     I go to a barber, not a beauty salon 
     Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on 
     Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts 
     I use my turn signal, I understand sports 

     Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man 
     Tell you the reason I am 
     I don't go through a faze every 28 days 
     Man, I'm glad I'm a man 

     I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons 
     Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john 
     I don't throw a fit when I break a nail 
     I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale 
     I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror 
     I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer 
     I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass 
     I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass 

     Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man 
     Tell you the reason I am 
     I don't face the pain of water-weight gain 
     Man, I'm glad I'm a man 

     Let me tell you ladies 
     Listen to me ladies 
     I love those things inside of your blouse 
     I love your pretty faces 
     Your warm and soft embraces 
     But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house 

     I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date 
     I don't play with dolls unless they inflate 
     When someone asks me my age, I never lie 
     After sex in bed, my spot's always dry 
     I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines 
     I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans 
     I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie 
     This is the same underwear I wore yesterday 

     Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man 
     Tell you the reason I am 
     I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill 
     Man, I'm glad I'm a man 

     Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man 
     Tell you the reason I am 
     I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin' 
     Man, I'm glad I'm a man


Now y'all KNOW I couldn't let that one slide!  *baeg*

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

I never leave you in agony 'cause I can't last
more then 2 minutes in bed
And you won't see me farting like a pig because
of something I was fed
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!


DOGGIE PLEDGE

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food
restaurant,  no matter how good it smells.
The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in  the
house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not eat other animals' poop.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard
after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, 'specially not the red ones, or my people
will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down  when
it's raining outside.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is
sitting on the toilet.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with
it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's
license and car registration.
I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the
coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

******************

A cocky young boy was ice fishing one Minnesota winter. Despite his
patience, he couldn't get even one nibble. Compounding his frustration was
an old man, not twenty feet from him, who caught much more than his share
throughout the day.
"Hey old man", yelled the boy. "How'd you catch so many fish?"
"MM-mmmuh-MMMh-mmhh", replied the man.
"What did you say?"
"MM-mmmuh-MMMh-mmhh", replied the man.
"What?"
Ptwt!!! spit the man. "You gotta keep your worms warm!!!" 
                      

Heaven's Gate 40th Body Found:
Apparently one of the less astute members of the cult was found under the
kitchen sink, behind the Comet.
                     
*******************

   Windows '98 source code.
      /*
          TOP SECRET Microsoft(c)  Code
          Project: Chicago(tm)
          Projected release-date: MAY 1998
         $History$
      */

      #include "win31.h"
      #include "win95.h"
      #include "evenmore.h"
      #include "oldstuff.h"
      #include "billrulz.h"
      #define INSTALL = HARD

      char make_prog_look_big[1600000];

      void main()
      {
          while(!CRASHED)
          {
              display_copyright_message();
              display_bill_rules_message();
              do_nothing_loop();
              if (first_time_installation)
              {
                  make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
                  do_nothing_loop();
                  totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();

                  search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
                  hang_system();
              }
              write_something(anything);
              display_copyright_message();
              do_nothing_loop();
              do_some_stuff();
              if (still_not_crashed)
              {
                  display_copyright_message();
                  do_nothing_loop();
                  basically_run_windows_3.1();
                  do_nothing_loop();
                  do_nothing_loop();
              }
          }

          if (detect_cache())
              disable_cache();

          if (fast_cpu())
          {
              set_wait_states(lots);
              set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
              set_mouse(action, jumpy);
              set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
          }

          /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
          /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
          printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
          if (system_ok())
               crash(to_dos_prompt);
          else
              system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp" O_CREATE);

          while(something)
          {
              sleep(5);
              get_user_input();
              sleep(5);
              act_on_user_input();
              sleep(5);
          }
          create_general_protection_fault();
      }


2 hillbillies meet and start talking. One of them has gotten married
recently, so the other asks, "Well, Clem, how's yer wife treatin' yew?"
"Ah swear, Shem, all day long, it's 'Don't do this' and 'Don't do that.' "
"She's a little nagger, then?" 
"Nah, she's a little white gal, 'bout 5 foot tall." 
--Pia Holm
                       

Trekker sends:

Man goes to a whore house. The Madam is out of women but,
since the guy is Polish she thinks she can get away with a blow up
doll and he will never know the difference. Being a bit nervous
because she has never tried this one before, The Madam waits outside
the door. The Polak comes out in five minutes. "How was it?", says
the Madam.
        "I don't know," says the Polak, "I bit her on the tit and she
farted and flew out the window!"
                     
*******************
Robert Martin sends:

An LA lawyer, tired of the rat race buys an old cabin in the Montana
mountains. While clearing brush on his second day there, he encounters a
large Mt. Man type coming out of the woods. "Howdy neighbor" he says,
"Just came down to welcome you to the neighborhood"
"Didn't know there was a neighborhood up here", replies the lawyer.

"See that smoke two ridges back" replies the Mt.Man. "I've got a cabin
up there. I'm having a party tonight and would like for you to come."
"I'd like that", says the lawyer.

Gotta warn you that's there's gonna be a lotta drinkin'
Don't mind tippin' a few
There's gonna be some fuckin'
Thats OK with me
There might even be some fightin'
I can hold my own in a friendly scrap, What do you think I should wear?

Don't make much difference, just gonna be me and you.


Mother Superior and two novices at the station:-

Mother Superior: "Sister Lucy, go to the ticket office and get three
tickets to Pittsburgh and change in nickels and dimes".
Poor Sister Lucy gets to the ticket office and is confronted by a very
well endowed blonde with a low cut neckline.
Blushing she says: "Please may I have three tickets to tittsburg and the
change in nickels and dimes".
Realising her blunder she rushes empty handed back to Mother Superior and
confesses.
Mother Superior: "Sister Fredrica, go to the ticket office and get two
tickets to Pittsburgh and change in nickels and dimes".
Sister Fredrica braces herself at the ticket office and utters: "Three
tickets to Pittsburgh and the change in nipples and dimes". Flustered, she
too returns empty handed. 
At this stage Mother Superior storms off to the ticket office.
Using her most matronly voice! "Three tickets to Pittsburgh and the change
in nickels and dimes. Thank you young lady and you should be ashamed of
yourself dressing like that, do you realise Saint finger is pointing his
Peter at you!!".

Thanks for keeping us smiling,
Brian.
o[^_^]o

******************

PhyllisK sends:

After the collapse of the Meech Lake accords and the recent
referendum in Quebec an MP from the Maritimes proposed an
update to the Canadian Flag.

He wanted to change it from the current red maple leaf on a
white field with red bars to:

Nine beavers pissing on a frog.
                       


PhyllisK strikes again!

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they
haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk
and bring each other up to date.  The conversation covers their
husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to
their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK.  We get it on every week or so but it's no
big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast.  "Really Sally, I never would have quessed that
you would  go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."
                     
*******************

Jay Fahrenbruch sends:

Hi Big Head!
Thanks for the daily jokes!! Here's one for ya......

Sven and Ole and up on the hill talking. Sven looks down in the valley
and says, "Ya know Ole....it's just not fair. Ya see all them houses
down there?? I built each and every one of them.....with my own two
hands...from the ground up. But do people call me "Sven the House
builder?" And Ole, do ya see all them boats out in the bay?? I built
each and every one of them... with my own two hands. But do do people
call me "Sven the Boat builder?"

But ya fuck just ONE goat........


A man was walking across the road when he met the accident. The impact was
on his head which caused him to be comatosed for two days before he
finally regained consciousness. When open his eyes, his wife was there
beside him.

He held her hands and said meaningfully : "You have always been beside me.
When I was a struggling university student, I failed again and again. And
sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were always there beside me,
encouraging me to go on trying.." 

She squeezed his hands as he continued :"When I went for all the major
interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me,
cutting out more adverts for me to apply..." 

He continued "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to
handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you
were there beside me." 

Then I finally got another job after being laid off for sometime. But I
never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As such, I
remained in the same position from te day I join the company till
now...And you were there beside me." 

Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband :"And now I met
an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me....

....There's something I'll really like to say to you..." 

She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, and sobbing with emotion. 

He said..., " I think you really bring me bad luck.." 



In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and
unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess
snack logs to the following experiments: 

EXPOSURE: 

A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for four days, during which time an
inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the
Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds -- even pigeons --
avoided this potential source of sustenance. Despite the rain and
prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and
form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated.
Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of
industrial foam insulation; the filling, however, retained its advertised
"creaminess." 

RADIATION: 

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for
precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20
seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma
of artificial butter. After 1 minute, this aroma began to resemble the
acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes,
10 seconds, when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the
oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment. This Twinkie
leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike filling
bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity; it was removed only upon
application of a butter knife. 

EXTREME FORCE: 

A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately
120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The
expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible
damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside. Otherwise,
the Twinkie remained structurally intact. 

EXTREME COLD: 

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal,
the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties
had noticeably "slowed": the filling was found to be the approximate
consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of
not adhering to practically any surface. It was noticed that the Twinkie
had generously absorbed freezer odors. 

EXTREME HEAT: 

A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie
smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled,
the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however, produce the same "burning
rubber" aroma noticed during the irradiation experiment. 

IMMERSION: 

A Twinkie was dropped into a large beaker filled with tap water. The
Twinkie floated momentarily, began to list and sink, and viscous yellow
tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble
artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie had bloated substantially.
Its coloring was now a very pale tan -- in contrast to the yellow,
urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and
had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie was found to have
bloated to roughly 200 percent of its original size, the water had turned
opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of
the "cream holes." Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for
further analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure, the Twinkie
disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was
noted. 

SUMMARY OF RESULTS 

The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual
phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring,
should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize
the Twinkie as "food." Further clinical inquiry is required before any
definite conclusions can be drawn. 


Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer...."

UNIX, that is .... CRTs.... Workstations....

Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
"Arizona is the place ya oughta be"
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee...

Intel that is ..... dry heat.... no amusement parks....

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"

OT, that is.... unpaid.... mandatory....

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and managers gettin' mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"

Tired, that is.... stressed out.... no social life....

Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and was escorted out the door.

Laid off, that is.... de-briefed.... unemployed....

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch your bosses squirm.

Mllionaires, that is.... Bill Gates.... Steve Jobs.... 

Y'all come back now... ya hear......

******************

Microsoft has announced that their latest Operating system -
Windows 98 is to be renamed, prior to it's launch, to "Diana"
A spokesman from Microsoft said that it was in tribute to the late
Princess of Wales and is a fitting name for a product that will
look flash, be mostly superficial, consume vast amounts of resource
and crash spectacularly.
                       


Ten Things Engineering School Didn't Teach

10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors. 
 9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work. 
 8. Not everything works according to the specs in the data book. 
 7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use
    it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
 6. Always try to fix the hardware with software. 
 5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon
    lab every day for the rest of your life. 
 4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay? 
 3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
 2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into
    software.
 1. Dilbert is a documentary.
                     
*******************

I'm tired. For a couple of years I've been blaming it on iron-poor blood,
lack of vitamins, dieting, and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out
the real reason... 

I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of the USA is 237
million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. 

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. 

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This
leaves 19 million to do the work. 

4 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. 

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city
government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. 

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. 

Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do
the work. 

You and me. 

And you're sitting there reading this. 

No wonder I'm tired; I'm the only one working.


"Brussels police department, how may I assist you?" 

"Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie." 

"Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?" 

"No" 

"Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your
name?" 

"Bill Gates" 

"Country?" 

"The USA" 

"Native language?" 

"English" 

"Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use
this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face
with a pie?" 

"Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person
distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie." 

"We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a
custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?" 

"Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so
I really don't think it was a custard pie." 

"Have you visited the Prime Minister before?" 

"Yes" 

"Were you hit in the face with a pie then?" 

"No" 

"Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?" 

"Yes" 

"Any pies then?" 

"No" 

"Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in
again. I'll wait." 

"Just a minute.." "Okay, I'm back." 

"Did you get hit by another pie?" 

"Of course not" 

"Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks
like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though.
If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and
call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department. " 
                       

 
How can you tell that God is NOT a Woman? 
Because if God WAS a woman, Sperm would taste like chocolate!

                     
*******************
     Computer Instructions by Dr. Seuss

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, 
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, 
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, 
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. 

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, 
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, 
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, 
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! 

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, 
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, 
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, 
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, 
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, 
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, 
the sucker's gonna hang! 

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, 
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, 
then you have to flash your memory 
and you'll want to RAM your ROM. 
Quickly turn off the computer 
and be sure to tell your Mom.



So, it seems that two nuns were traveling through Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a
diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the
windshield! 

"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?" 

"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination,"
shouts the second. 

She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses
even more loudly! 

"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun. 

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the
Vatican!" says the second. 

Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses
again at the nuns. 

"Now what?" screams the first nun. 

"Show him your cross!" says the second. 

So the nun rolls down the window and shouts:
 "GET OFF MY FUCKING HOOD!!" 

******************


Dutch:
Een dokter zegt tegen zijn patint:
'Ik weet niet wat er mis is met U, maar ik denk dat het door de alcohol
komt!'
Waarop de patint antwoord:
'Dat geeft niet dokter, ik kom wel terug als U weer nuchter bent!'

English:
A doctor says to his patient:
'I don't know what's the matter with you, but I think it's the alcohol!'
So the patient replies:
'It's ok doctor, I'll come back when you're sober!'

*lol*
(Btw, that means 'laughing out load' or 'lots of laughter', right, but
in Dutch 'lol' means 'fun'! Now that's lol!)
Cheerio,
BaRF
               ** I think we've just been BaRFed on. *eg*
                       

       This guy walked into a tattoo parlor and said to the guy that
worked there "can i have a tattoo of a 100 dollar bill on my penis?" Then
the worker said to the guy give me three reasons why i should do this? ok
said the guy. number 1 i like to play with my money, number 2 i like to
watch my money grow, and number 3 when my wife wants to blow money she
doesn't have to go anywhere.
                     
*******************

PURPLE DEATH
An unusual 'Rough-as-Guts' aperitif that has the distinctive bouquet of
horse-shit and old tram tickets. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched
to prevent ingestion of any foreign bodies. Connoisseurs will savour the
slight tannin taste of old tea leaves and burnt cat fur. Possessors of a
cultivated palate will admire the initial assault on the taste buds which
comes from the careful and loving blending of animal manure and perished
jock straps strained through an old miner's sock. The maturing in small
pigs' bladders gives it a very definite nose. 

Marketed under the Saviour Brand (9 out of 10 people who drink it for the
first time exclaim 'Je-e-esus Chri-ist'). 

Caution: Keep away from 'naked flames' (both old and new). 

BOTTLED BY THE MAD SCIENTIST
JUST FOR FUN FOR SAPICH BROTHERS
Forest Hill Road, Henderson, New Zealand



There were two Amish women tending to their garden one morning.
And the one women turned to the other and said, " these potatos remind me
of my husbands balls".
And the other women said, "wow, you mean they are that big".
And the first women answered, "no they're that dirty".


WHY DO MOST BRIDES WEAR WHITE????
isn't that the colour of most major household appliances??


    Woman sitting in front of her dressing table mirror lamenting over
her smallish breasts says to her huband, "I wish my breasts were bigger,
I've tried all sorts of exercises but nothing seems to work"
    Husband says why don't you try rubbing toilet paper up and down in
between them?
    She says how could that do anything, that wouldn't make any
difference.
    He says why not, its worked wonders for your arse.


A black guy, a white guy and a Chinese guy get jobs working at a stone
quarry. On their first day of work, the foreman takes them out to the
quarry and assigns them jobs. 

He hands the black guy a sledgehammer and says "I want you to break these
rocks into pebbles".

He hands the white guy a burlap sack and says "When he gets done breaking
the rock, I want you to put the pebbles in this sack".

He turns to the Chinese guy and says "You will be in charge of the
supplies", and leaves them to thier work. 

The foreman returns a few hours later to find only one sack full of
pebbles. "Why is there only one full sack?" he asks angrily.

The white guy replied, "The Chinese fella disappeared into those bushes
over there, the second you left and he hasn't come out yet".

The foreman storms over to the shrubbery, yelling for the Chinese man to
come out at once.

All of a sudden the Chinese man springs up out of the bushes and yells: 

"SUPPLIES!!"   (**think about it.  *eg*)

******************
Sally aka Sunshine sends:

News flash !!!!!
The makers of Viagra are announcing that they have
developed a pill to increase vaginal lubrication in females.         
  The new pill will be called Niagra.

***Yikes!  That'll put a whole new meaning on "Your turn in the barrel!"
                       

Picture yourself near a stream. 
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air. 

Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. 
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." 

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of
serenity. The water is clear. 

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding
under the water. 

Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.
What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick
breath...then plop!...back under they go... 

You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want. 

There now . . . feeling better?
                     
*******************

Dear Mr. Pennington, 

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens
luncheon. 

I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All of my
friends and family are gone and it's nice to know someone thinks of me. 

God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. 

My roommate is 95 years old and always has her own radio, but would never
let me listen to it. The other day, her radio fell to the ground and broke
into a million pieces. 

It was awful, and yet she asked if she could listen to my radio. 

I said, "Fuck you." 

Sincerely, 

Edna Johnson

*******************

Just as I was getting ready to send out today's letter, the last new
subscriber to join was 2golfnuts@~~~~~~> I got laffin' so hard because the
only thing I could think was, "Gee, wonder if he got 'em caught in the
ball washer?"  Welcome to the HaHa List, 2golfnuts, I think you've just
been initiated, and I hope that limp isn't permanent. *eg*


Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every
aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98,
a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.

Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug
and play.  It believes these technologies will give it substantial
leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for
virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the
non-propagation of human beings.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98,
DeFetus 1.0  (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton
Utilities).

A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package.
The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98
Professional is  the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the
sexual services sector.  Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition
is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory
channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be
known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

OPERATION
Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install
the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for
minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs
and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After
installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have
sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a
disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, It is now safe to
turn off your partner.

DRAWBACKS
Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern
during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error
encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been
eliminated.  The product needs to be installed each time its used.

CONCLUSION
Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a
reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to
its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software,
that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore,
Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.  Microsoft CEO Bill
Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98s potential.  He recently said,
"Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other  what we've
been doing to our customers for years."

*******************

Wayne Lasker strikes again:

A married couple is driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the
side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it
into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What
should I do?"

Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."

She asks, "What about the smell?"

He says, "Hold its nose."
                       

Q: What's brown and sitting on the piano bench?
A: Beethoven's last movement.
                     
*******************

A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went
for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather
bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve,"
said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.  Next they
rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and
cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

He really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man,
and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl
home.  The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and
asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Wousy," said the girl.


There was this truck driver who had to deliver 500 penguins to the state
zoo.
As he was driving his truck through the dessert he breaks down.  After
about 3 hours he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to
take these penguins to the state zoo for him.

The next day the original truck driver arrives in town and sees the new
truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file
behind him.

 The original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, "What's going
on?  I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"

The new truck driver responds, "I did take them to the zoo.  I had enough
money left over so now we're going to see a movie."

******************

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into
the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a
few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little
vase on the mantel. 

He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says
"What's this?" 

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." 

He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..." 

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray." 
                       
*****************************************

Q:  Did you hear Lorena Bobbit died in a car crash?
A:  Some dick cut her off.
                     
*******************

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the
middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the
delivery. 

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and
said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." 

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. 

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the
lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come." 

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass. 

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,
lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. 

The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye
think it's the light that's attractin' them?" 


"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe
Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been
admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously
wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our
gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue
that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out
again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might
attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened
next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing,
igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the
gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the
intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the
impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns
to his anus and lower intestinal tract.


There are a good number of very valid reasons for drinking beer, but the
one that takes the cake is called the "Buffalo Theory". It originated in
America and goes something like this: 

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that
are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by
the regular culling of the weakest members. 

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. 

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but,
naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this
way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. 

**C'mon!! Let's all run down to the corner pub and defrag! *eg*

******************

Two Irish nuns had just arrived in the USA by boat and one said to
the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we
might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog
vendor and they both walked up to him.

"Two dogs, please," said one of the nuns. The vendor obliged and
wrapped both purchases in foil and handed them to the ladies. Excited,
the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.' 

The mother superior was first to open hers. Staring at it for a
moment, she leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously,
"What part did you get?"

*****************************************

America Online has announced that it is not for sale, despite recently
rumored buyout talks with AT&T...

However, AOL executives did point out that a buyout by AT&T would be a big
benefit for subscribers, as they'd be able to receive child pornography at
a low 10 cents a minute all weekend.

*******************

The Dubuque area has a rich tradition and history with the Catholic Church
that goes back to the 1830's, maybe even earlier. The area was originally
explored by French Canadian fur trappers and miners in the late 1700's,
followed in quick succession by the British and then the Americans. Many
of the original lead miners came from Ireland and Wales and Scotland and
Cornwall and were mainly unchurched Protestants, Catholics and/or
Anglicans. The Catholic Church, however, recognized the potential and
established missions and schools in the area to work with the miners and
later the farmers. There is a strong German influence, too, but that came
somewhat later, probably in the mid-1800's. 

In any event a number of Catholic religious orders established convents
and monasteries in the area, some of which exist yet today. 

Some months back one of the monasteries needed to raise some money for
mission support and so they did some marketing research that pointed them
towards opening a small floral shop in a nearby community. It was a good
choice because from the first day on the friars made money and as time
went on the business just got better and better. 

About the only down side was the fact that the local florist in that
community watched in dismay as his business declined as quickly as the
friar's business climbed. After a month of watching he decided to approach
the friars and ask them to reconsider their choice of business as it was
killing his business. The friars knew when they had a good thing going and
they refused his request. 

Another month went by and the florist was getting pretty discouraged so he
again met with the friars to plead his case. He sited his family he had to
support, the employees that depended on the business for their paychecks,
and the bills that he was having increasing difficulty paying. The friars
again turned him down. I wonder of that florist was a Presbyterian? 

After the next month the florist was facing possible bankrupcy and had
already cut back his expenses to the minimum but he was still not making
it while the friars were thriving. He made one last appeal to the friars
but got the expected results. No deal. In desperation the florist
contacted a local thug named "Hugh" and told him to "do what it takes" to
change the friars minds. And Hugh did just that. He roughed up a couple of
the friars and thoroughly intimidated the rest of them so that they closed
their shop immediately. 

And the moral of the story is, of course; Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent
florist friars.



There was once a group of ornithologists(bird watchers) that had heard
about a legendary bird of the central Amazon. They decided to mount an
expedition to retrieve a sample of the bird.

Upon arriving at their destination, the group hired several locals as
guides. They continued deep into the jungle. Once, a bird flew overhead,
and the natives yelled "Foo! Foo! Foo!" as loud as they could and scared
the bird away. 

The ornithologists were dismayed, because that was the very bird they had
come to capture. So they instructed the locals not to scare away the birds
from then on. 

Later, a bird flew overhead and "dropped a bomb" on one of the hats of the
expedition. He looked at it, then wiped it off on a tree. While he was
doing that, a highly poisonous snake snuck out and bit him. He died within
seconds.

That did not deter them, and they struck out into the jungle again. Later,
another bird flew overhead and shit on the hat of another ornithologist.
He also looked at it, then wiped it off. Three steps later, he was
attacked and killed by a large jungle cat.

Undaunted, they went ever deeper into the jungle. Eventually another bird
flew overhead, and also shit on the their heads. This time, the head
ornithologist forbade anyone to clean themselves off, saying this time he
has learned his lesson:

"If the Foo Shits, Wear It!"

******************

What's the only bad thing about the 69 position ?
The view.

*****************************************

What do you call a gay Indian?
A brave fucker.


*******************

Maureen Bonnar in Western Australia says:

Here's one of my favourite CLEAN JOKES!!! LOL

FANCY DRESS BALL

There was a scotsman with a bald head and a wooden leg who was going to a
fancy dress ball, so he went to a fancy dress costume shop and told the
assistant that he wanted a costume that would go with his bald head and
wooden leg.

The assistant showed him this costume and that costume until he'd seen
everything she had to show him. By this time she was really frustrated and
asked him just what was wrong with the costumes she had shown him.

He answered (in a real broad scots accent) "They're all too dear!"

So she said "Well just how much do you want to spend?"

He replied "Aboot two and six " (meaning pence of course)

So she said "Well, I'll tell you what to do... go to the grocery store
buy a tin of golden syrup, pour it over your bald head, stick your
wooden leg up your arse and go as a 'toffee apple'!!!!"



One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture
of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their
hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?" "Very good Sally," the
teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a
zebra. None of the students holds up thier hands. "See the stripes on
this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says "it's a zebra."
"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a
deer. None of the students recognized the animal.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your
mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard!"

******************

A couple were having problems in their bedroom so the lady bought some
crotchless panties.

When the man returned home one afternoon from work, she was lying in bed
with nothing on but her new purchase. She had her legs spread and said,
with a smile, "Do you want some of this"? 

The man replied, "Hell no, look what it did to your underwear".

*****************************************

If you shower in your clothes, it shows you're crazy.
If you shower nude, it shows your nuts.

*******************

It's Harold's first day in the carpool. They honk the horn in front of
his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk
when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the
porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to
the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the snatch,
runs back down the walk and hops in the car.

They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can't
stand it. Burnett asks, "Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you
kiss her down there?"

Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning."



After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that they had
enough children was enough. So, the husband went to his doctor, who also
treated mules, and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any
more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem. The doctor instructed the man to go home, light a
cherry bomb,put it into a beer can, and then hold the can up to his ear
and count to 10.

The redneck said, "I may not be the smartest guy on the block, but I don't
see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can, and putting it next to my ear
is going to help me."

The doctor assured the man that the procedure was guaranteed to work. The
man left the doctor's office and when we arrived home, he lit a cherry
bomb and put it into a beer can. 

Then, he held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5."
The man paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed
counting on his other 
hand. 

******************

Redneck Personal Hygiene

Unlike clothes, shoes, and your brother's wife, a toothbrush should
never be a hand-me-down item.

When you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done using one's OWN truck keys.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette 
lighter can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Note: Its a 
good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method. 
Also, it's better not to be alone in the house in case the fire gets
out of control.

*****************************************

Why do Canadian women like doing it doggy style?
Because they like to watch the hockey game too.

*******************

It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few 
beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July." He 
was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a 
cruise.

Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from 
her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap 
because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, 
the appointment went over time, and Opie was late getting to the 
marina.

Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw
Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of
the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got there just in
time to grab Luke.

. . . Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from 
falling to the dock side of the Fourth.



In the beginning there was a Plan. 

And then came Assumptions. 

And the Assumptions were without form. 

And the plan was without substance. 

And darkness was on the face of the Workers. 

And they spoke among themselves, saying "It is a crock of shit, and it
stinks". 

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said "It is a plain of
dung, and none may obide the odor thereof". 

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying "It is a container of
excrement, and it is very strong, such that none can abide by it". 

And the Managers went unto their Directors saying "It is a vessel of
fertilizer, and none may abide its strength". 

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another "It
contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong". 

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them "It
promotes growth, and it is very powerful". 

And the Vice Presidents went unto President saying unto him "This new Plan
will actively promote growth and Vigor of this company, with powerful
effects". 

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw it was good. 

And the Plan became Policy. 

This is how shit happens.


******************
Since Louise Woodward got back to England, she has found it hard to find a
job in child care.

She has now opened a fast food restaurant.

As an opening offer she is advertising " Half price Cheese Burgers ... and
free Shakes for the Kids!


A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal
deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man
insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes
man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such
an item.

The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago
and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his
last purchase and he will try to match the product.

The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the
deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks
this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick
variety.

The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom
to use."

*******************

How is sex like riding a bicycle?

You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamilar territory.

You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a
lot of experience.

It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

It's best to have a soft place to land.

You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are 
really into it.

If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually 
best to slow down and wait for them.

Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

(and of course the obvious one)
Once you learn, you never forget how.



The Most Venomous Snake in the World
NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous
spit. Size varies from 3to 12 inches, depending on its mood and
sub-species.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower frontal abdomen,
resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling occurs followed
by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal.
It has been known to attack men in the lower posterior section, resulting
in an incurable disease and consequent death.
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the
most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the
venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure
complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

* WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED *

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body
to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as
the initial bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so
far has not been reportedly successful.
MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the
reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive,
starting to spit.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the
milker and the last known time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 15 - 20
minutes.

CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active,
is not necessarily a vermin and when treated with the right kind of
respect, makes a wonderful pet.

******************

When the police raided Jeffrey Dahmer's house they found him sitting
by the fridge singing "My boloney has a first name......"



He offered his honor,
She honored his offer, 
and all night long,
he was honor and offer.

*******************

Roger Goh sends:

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is
foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a
close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small
wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between
your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber
proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow
like everyone else does."


WHAT DO YOU CALL A POLAR BEAR IN THE SAHARA DESERT?

LOST! 


Copy of a letter from a Clontra, Co. Longford farmer in reply
to an income tax demand.

Dear Sirs,

Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it 
would have given the son and myself pleasure had it not 
revived in us a melancholy reflection of what has gone 
before.

You say you thought the account could have been settled 
long ago, and you could not understand why it hadn't. 
Well, here is the reason.

In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit. In 1988 I bought 
a combine harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double
barrel shifter,two cows and ten razor back pigs, also on 
credit. 

In 1989 the fucking hay shed burnt to the ground leaving 
not a damn thing. I got no insurance either as the feckin 
premium had lapsed. One of the horses went lame and I 
loaned the other one to my brother who starved the poor 
huair to death.

In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he 
tried to marry one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got 
my daughter pregnant and I had to pay him a grand to stop 
him becoming one of my relatives.

In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and
he had to be castrated to save his life. Later in the year 
I went fishing on the Shannon and the bloody boat 
overturned, drowning two of my sons, neither being the 
fucking eunuch who was by now wearing his sisters make-up
and dresses. Not long after he emigrated to America with 
the new parish priest. They are now married and trying for 
children.

In 1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish 
and left me with newborn twins as a souvenir and I had to 
get a housekeeper, so I married her to keep down expenses. 
I had a hell of a job getting her pregnant (to qualify for 
more children's allowance). I went to see the doctor. He 
advised me to create some excitement at the crucial
moment so that night I brought my shotgun to bed and when I 
thought the moment was right I leaned out of bed and shot 
both barrels through the window, the wife shit the bed, I 
ruptured myself, and the next morning I found I had blown 
both doors off the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed 
the fucking knacker who was in the hay loft with my 
daughter trying to get more money out of me, which he did 
because I had to pay for the fucker's funeral expenses.

The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize 
bull, poisoned the water, and set fire to the house. I 
was bolloxed and took to the drink and did not stop until 
all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. 
Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy
for a time.

This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire 
purchase) a bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. 
Then the Shannon flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my 
second wife got V.D. from a land inspector and my last 
surviving son died from wiping his arse on a poisoned 
rabbit I had put down for dogs who were worrying the sheep.

It surprises me very much that you say you will cause 
trouble if I don't pay up. If you can think of anything 
I've missed I should like to know about it. Trying to get 
money out of me will be like trying to poke butter up a 
hedgehog's hole with a red hot needle. I'm praying for a
cloud of cat's shit to pass your way and I hope it will 
fall on you and the bastards in your office who sent me 
this final demand.

Yours for more credit,

John Murphy.


A Chatroom Poem

I was sitting in chat room,
Feeling mildly amused,
When I saw something strange,
That left me all confused.

Someone typed a word,
(As far as I could tell)
But I had never seen it.
What is an LOL?

Then the plot got thicker,
More words I didn't know,
A person started typing,
The word LMAO.

I sat there in amazement,
I felt like a dumb toad.
Could it be, these people,
Were speaking in a code?

That's when I looked closer.
And found the subtle clue.
I figured out this code
And I'll share it now, with you.

LOL is three little words,
That seem, to me, quite shady.
Why would someone ever write
The words, "Lean Over Lady"?

LMAO, was more obscure,
It made me sweat my socks!
LMAO is a command,
Meaning, "Leave Me Alone, Ox!"

ROFL was harder still,
I found it rather sickening.
It's a discreet way to say,
"Ready Only For Licking!"

I can't believe that AOL,
Would let this code exhist!
To them I say, YOMSL
Meaning, "You're On My Shit List!"


"There is a new bank opening up just for gays and lesbians. 
The Bank, called "G & L", will be a place where Gays and same-sex couples
will feel comfortable. The pens will be chained to the tellers' nipples,
and there will be spanking for early withdrawal" -Bill Maher

*******************
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and
higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane. 

The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. 

"So, did you jump?" the father asked. 

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the
sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men
got up and just walked out of the plane!" 

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. 

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a
time and throw them out the door." 

"Did you jump then?" asked the father. 

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." 

"So, did you jump?" 

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the
door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The
Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He
said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'"

I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared."

So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear,
it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! 

He said, "Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little
baby up your ass." 

"So, did you jump?" asked the father. 

"Well, a little, at first."


The 5 Levels of Drinking

LEVEL 1: 
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave
because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another
round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to
yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of
sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.". 

LEVEL 2: 
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes
arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level
two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking,
"Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the
good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm
cool.". 

LEVEL 3: 
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent
20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our
waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you
love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the
stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get
drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could
live together forever. We could do
it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little
bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on
now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood
(snaps fingers), I'm cool.". 

LEVEL 4: 
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you
ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on
your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar.
Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy
is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to
leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after
hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself,
"Well....as long as I'm only going to
get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah!
That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking
like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And
besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool. 

LEVEL 5: 
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at
the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and
your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have
been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where
even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at
nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point,
you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a
Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think
to yourself,
"Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and
screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl
outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun.
You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar
in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they
look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest,
if you're 19 and you stay
up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if
you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the
same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long
as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I
mean it!"


Phyllis K sends a few additions to the Adult Limericks
section of the Joke Archives: 

There was a young girl from Wheeling
who claimed to have no sexual feeling
until a fellow named Boris
did lick her clitoris
and she had to be scraped off the ceiling.

There was an old gaucho named Bruno
who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know.
Sheep are just fine,
Women divine,
but llama are numero uno!"

There was an old cave man named Roy
who befriended a long-haired young boy.
The boy didn't mind
being goosed from behind
but the club up his ass was no joy.



A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She
was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate.

In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was
time to see a doctor. Leafing through the phone book, she came upon a
Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived for her appointment, she told the doctor her
symptoms. He said, "Take off all your crothes, and you craw real fass away
from me across the froor."

Doing as instructed, she crawled to the other side of the room.
"Now," said Chang, "...you craw real fass back to me," and she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head and said, "You haf real bad case of Zachary
Disease...worse case I ever see! Thass why you haf sex probrem."

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what
Zachary Disease was. He replied, "Zachary Disease....that when your face
look ZACHARY rike your ass!"

******************

A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately there is a pile of dog shit
just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up,
cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink.

A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of shit,
falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink.

The little guy turns to the big guy and, trying to strike up a
conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that."

The big guy punched him in the mouth.


WHO PAYS ON A DATE
For all you single women torn with this dilemma when on a date.

If SHE wants to sleep with him, then it's a date:
HE pays.

If SHE doesn't want to sleep with him and if SHE's a nice person who wants
the "just friends" message to get through loud and clear:
SHE pays for herself and insists on it.

If SHE doesn't want to sleep with him and if SHE's a nice person but HE's
rich:
HE pays but SHE offers.

If SHE doesn't want to sleep with him, SHE's not a nice person, and HE's
rich:
HE pays.

If SHE doesn't want to sleep with him, SHE's not a nice person, and HE's
not rich:
HE pays.

If HE pays but SHE doesn't want to seem like a freeloader:
SHE offers to help, HE refuses, SHE says she'll get the drinks or coffee
later.

If HE's cheap:
HE asks her to split the bill.

If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's not a nice person, and they're going
to a good place:
SHE feigns indifference to the financial catastrophe that awaits him. He
pays.

If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's a nice person, and they're going to a
good place:
SHE slips him the money before they get to the restaurant.

If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's nice, and they're going to a cheap
place:
SHE pays.

If HE's broke, they're close, SHE's not nice, and they're going to a cheap
place:
SHE suddenly realizes that SHE has to stay home and wash her hair...
forever.

If SHE asked him out, it's his birthday, and they're in love:
SHE pays.

If SHE asked him out and it's not his birthday but HE knows what's good
for him:
SHE starts to pay, HE protests, SHE gives in.

If HE's a guy with any interest in seeing her again:
HE pays. Period.


The Students' Creed

I believe in the Financial Aid Office, Maker of heaven and earth,

And in my Faculty Advisor his Customer our Lord; who was trained by
others before him, tenured of The University, suffered under ignorant
Administrators, was educated in public schools; he then entered
University, the fourth year he became a Masters' Student; then became
a PhD, and sitteth on the right hand of the University President; from
thence he shall come to judge the orals and the written. 

I believe in the pizza delivery persons; the holy pepperoni topping;
the beer and the Pepsi; the forgiveness of late delivery; the
resurrection of the body, and life everlasting. Amen. 



OLD AGE
I cannot see.
I cannot pee.
I cannot chew.
I cannot screw.
My memory shrinks.
My hearing stinks.
No sense of smell.
I look like hell.
My body's drooping.
Got trouble pooping.
So, the Golden Years have come at last?
Well, the Golden Years can kiss my ass!

******************

Beam me sideways, Scotty. No one knows which way is up.

*****************************************

Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician.

*******************


NURSING HOME RESIDENTS AT PLAY

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become
Nursing Home residents. They both agreed that life was good but one
woman, Sylvia, said she was rather upset because her sex life had
really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing
home.

The other woman said that her sex life was great! "The secret to great
sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready
for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my
head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we
have wild sex the rest of the night!"

Sylvia says, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When Sylvia's husband is
getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her
clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her
head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After
accomplishing this great feat, Sylvia falls backwards and can't move.

It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a
shocked look on his face, her husband yells "for God's sake Sylvia,
comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!"


Q: What do you call a lesbian driving a delivery van full of dildos?
A: Dick Van Dyke


Q: What is endless love?
A: Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

*******************

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to
worry. By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam,
and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the
test. And, best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right
in your own home:
Exercise #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the
waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of
your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an
appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
Exercise #2: Locate a large bench-type vise. While standing in the
most uncomfortable upright position you can manage, insert your most
sensitive breast between the squeeze plates. Hold your breath. Tighten
down the handle on the vise until you are about to cry. Make three more
turns on the handle, for good measure.
Exercise #3: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast
between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends
slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good
measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the
first time wasn't effective enough.
Exercise #4: Visit your garage at three in the morning when the
temperature of the floor is just perfect. Take off all your warm clothes
and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear
tire of your family car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until
your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat
for the other side.
Congratulations, now you will be properly prepared for your next
mammogram.


THE TWELVE WEEKS OF SUMMER
(sung to the twelve days of christmas)

12 Kids-a-screeming
11 Weeks of "I'm bored"
10 headaches pounding
9 Million mosquitoes
8 Boxes of band-aids
7 Calamine bottles
6 Skateboard stitches
5 Ringing phones
4 Soccer tournaments
3 Fried kids
2 Tired parents
.....and a room at the SANITARIUM


There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he
happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a
seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their
multi-million dollar machines. 

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but
to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had
solved so many of their problems in the past. 

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the
huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a
particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where
your problem is". 

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company
received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. 

They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. 

The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999 

It was paid in full and the engineer retired (again) in peace. 


A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep and keeps her and her husband
awake at night. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells
the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop
snoring. Of course the woman is very sceptical in believing this and goes
home. A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual.

Finally getting very frustrated, she goes to closet and grabs a piece of
ribbon, ties it around the dogs testicles, and sure enough the dog stops
snoring. The woman is amazed.

Later that night her husband returns from being out with his friends and
he is very drunk. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring
very loudly. The woman is desperate and thinks maybe the ribbon will work
on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it
around her husbands testicles. Amazingly it also works on him. The woman
falls asleep again and sleeps very soundly.

The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into
the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he
looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He
is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon
attached to his dogs scrotum. He looks at the dog and says "Boy, I don't
remember what the hell happened last night, but where ever you and I were,
we got first and second place."


The following advisory for American travelers heading for France
was
compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the
Central
Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug
Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very
expensive
spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as
a
guide
for American travelers only.

General Overview

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent
of
Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not
nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain,
Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and
with not very good shopping.

France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the
Louvre
and
EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are
champagne,
Camembert cheese and the guillotine.

Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air
conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent
Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is
that the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will
speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your
change at all times.

The People

France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink
and
smoke
a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have
no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in
general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and
undisciplined; and those are their good points.

Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly
guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists, and topless
sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and
they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are
advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful
trousers for easier mutual recognition.

Safety

In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are
advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By
tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a
temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in
getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor
generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to
Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to
make it easier for the Government to flee to London.

History

France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other
important
historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques
Cousteau, and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and
is now an airport.

Government

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections
are
held
more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For
administrative
purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts,
municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor
tiles.

Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though,
confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are
either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted,
frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic
bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone
complains.

According to the most current State Department intelligence, the
President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not
available at this time.

Culture

The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not
easy
to see
why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a
movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.
And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.

Cuisine

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is
just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand,
are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce
this word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers
at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.

Economy

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to
Germany's
in
Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all.

If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are
on
strike
and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's
principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine,
nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber
weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft,
miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public Holidays

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among
its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation
Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle
in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent
into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112
France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other
important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the
Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine
Day (November 12).

Conclusion

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape,
and
a
temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it
weren't inhabited by French people.

The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.

A Word of Warning

The consular services of the United States government are intended
solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such
as McDonald's, Pizza Hut, and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event
that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at
least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the
hours of 5.l5 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular
official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a
list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless.


Once there was this Indian chief named Chief Bowels. The neighboring town
wanted to build a golf course on his land, and this made the chief very
angry, so he sends a messenger to the council office, which was in the same
building as the doctor's office. The messenger goes in the wrong door,
goes to
the doctor and says, "Bowels not move". So the doctor gives him a pill. The
messenger takes the pill back to the chief. The next day, the messenger is
back, and says , "Bowels still not move". So the doctor gives him a
stronger
pill.

The next day, same thing, the messenger comes back "Bowels STILL no move"
So the doctor gives him the strongest pills he has.

The next day, the messenger comes back, and says "Bowels HAD to move.
Tepee full of shit"

*****************************************

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the
passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady
stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually
harassed!"

The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would
check into it soon. Later, that very same day, as the passengers were
unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his
ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!" This time, he knew it had
to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and
he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge
of what was going on.

He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the
seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help
you?!"

The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost
my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but
they were parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!" 



Beckie Barber sends:

Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated
a few stools down began to choke on a piece of hamburger. She was turning
blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress. 

One Texan said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!" The
other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," said the
first, and with that he ran over and said "Can you breathe?" She shook
her head no. He said, "Can you speak?" Again, she shook her head no.

With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt. So shocked
was the young lady that she coughed up the obstruction and began to
breathe.

After sitting back by his friend, the Texan said, "Funny how that hind
lick maneuver works every time!" 

******************

A Genie granted a man his wish to wake up in bed with three women. When he
woke up, in the bed with him where Lorraine Bobbett, Tanya Harding and
Hilary Clinton.

His penis was gone, his leg was broken and he didn't have any 
health insurance.

*****************************************


Pretend you have a fantastic sex-life by jumping up and down on your bed
and moaning several times a day...and then look at your neighbors jealous
faces every time you leave the house.

*******************
PhyllisK sends:

The wife comes home to her husband after having been to the doctor. 
"How did you get on at the doctors then ?" asks the husband sympatheticaly.

"Not very well at all" replies the wife, "The doctor said I had a nice
pussy."

"He said what.... Are you sure he said that ?" 
"Yes, he said I had a nice pussy" replies the wife indignantly.

So the husband has steam coming out his ears and says he's going to sort
the doctor out in the morning. The next morning the husband's at the
front of the queue in the doctors office. He barges in and demands to
know why he had been speaking so personally to his wife. 

"You said my wife has a nice pussy and I'm going to belt you for it !" 

"I did not say that to your wife" denies the doctor, "That would be
against a doctors moral and ethical practice." 

"Look, If my wife says you said it, then you said it. Now I'm going to
take you outside and beat the shit out of you for saying that." 

"Wait, wait, wait, wait" cries the doc, "Give me a minute and I'll go
and check my medical records" 

Two minutes later the doctor returns, "NO I didn't say your wife had a
NICE PUSSY, I said she had ACUTE ANGINA !" 


Two brothers were getting dressed for school. The older one says,"I think
I'm old enough to start cussing."

Younger one, "Me too. Whatcha gonna say?"

Older boy,"Dad says 'damn' a lot, so that's what I'll say."

Younger boy, "I'm gonna say 'betchyer ass', Dad says that all the time.

They go down for breakfast, sit at the table. Mom comes in, says to the
older one,"What would you like for breakfast dear?"

He replies, "Gimme a damn bowl of Fruit Loops."

Mom knocks older son off his chair, turns to younger one, "And what would
YOU like for breakfast?"

Younger son, "Betchyer ass I don't want Fruit Loops!"

******************

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped
together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his
dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers,
lobster, champagne. . .the works.

Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."

*****************************************

Q: What did the one condom say to the other condom while walking past
a gay bar?
A: Lets go inside and get shit faced.

*******************

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat
in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff
a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the
Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in
when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a
coke."

"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was
gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the
Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good.
I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone
the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli
returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short
flight to New York.

As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our
peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes
and peeing in cokes?"


Metric Clichs

Some believe that the world converting to the metric system would greatly
simplify our measures. But look what would really happen to our old
clichs...

* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.

* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.

* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.

* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.

* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.

* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

I'm sure y'all can think up some more...so send em on in, uh, except you
Calvin :p

******************

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts
that 25 year old doesn't?
A: Her navel.

*****************************************



THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME . . .

My Mother taught me LOGIC - like, "If you fall off that swing and
break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE - like, "If you don't stop crossing 
your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think I
know when you are cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE - "Where's your brother and
don't talk with food in your mouth. Answer me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawnmower cuts off your
toes, don't come running to me.



Leroy is an 18 year old ninth grader who is becoming increasingly
disillusioned with the public school system.

One day, Leroy got an easy homework assignment. All he had to do was put
each of the following vocabulary words in a sentence. Here's what he
wrote.

1. HOTEL - I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the HOTEL everybody.

2. RECTUM - I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both.

3. DISAPPOINTMENT - My parole officer tol me if I miss
DISAPPOINTMENT they gonna send me back to 
the big house.

4. FORECLOSE - If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money
FORCLOSE.

5. CATACOMB - Don King was at the fight the other night, Man,
somebody give that CATACOMB.

6. PENIS - I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said
PENIS.

7. ISRAEL - Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said Man, that
looks fake. He said, No, ISRAEL.

8. UNDERMINE - There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the 
apartment UNDERMINE.

9. TRIPOLI - I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn't 
find no TRIPOLI.

10. STAIN - My mother-in-law axed if I was STAIN for dinner 
again.

11. SELDOM - My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so
I SELDOM.

12. ODYSSEY - I told my bro, you ODYSSEY the tits on this hoe.

13. HORDE - My sister got into trouble because she HORDE around
in school.

14. INCOME - I just got in bed wit dis hoe and INCOME my wife.

15. HONOR - At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, who be
HONOR first?

16. FORTIFY - I axed da hoe how much? And she say FORTIFY.


******************

There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering
the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love
to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and
squeeze them into a glass and then drink it."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said "NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."

*****************************************


Mr. Searchy sends:

Here's one for ya .. 
heard of the new cereal called post prostitutes?
they lay in the bowl and say "eat me" "eat me"

Searchy~~~ from Pa 

*******************
PhyllisK says she's twisted...oh wait, she meant the joke....nevermind:

Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Ed
glanced over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

"Wow," Ed said. "I've never seen one like that before." "Like what?" 
Ted said. "All twisted like a pig's tail," Ed said.

"Well, what's yours like?" Ted said. "Straight, like normal," Ed said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Ted said.

Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown
prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Ted
said.

"Shaking off the excess drops," Ed said. "Like normal."

"Cripes," Ted said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."


A man suspected his young wife of being too friendly with another man, so
he hired a famous Chinese detective, Won-Long Pan, to watch and report any
activities that might develop. A few days later he received this report:

Honorable Sir,

You leave house. I watch house. He comes to house I watch. He and she
leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she get
off train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree, look in
window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play
with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree.

No see.

No fee.

******************

Two Polacks were driving to the east coast via the southern route. 
When they got to Texas they saw a sign that read "CLEAN RESTROOMS
AHEAD" so when they got to the filling station, they pulled in, got
out, and started cleaning the restrooms! 

As they traveled the south they found it difficult to make any real
progress as there were many "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" signs along the way. 

When they finally arrived in Alabama they came across a sign that read
"Wanted, two Mexican males for rape", the two Polacks looked at each other
and thought, "Damn! those Mexicans get all the good jobs!"

*****************************************


A hot little night nurse named Hearst
Got off with a bratwurst at first;
But her pleasure now lies
In a non-deli guise
As the interns take turns for the Wurst.

*******************

The first grade concert is fast approaching and Johnny has still
not decided what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano
solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with
anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is relieved when he tells
her he has worked out his act.

Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall
and watch as Mary, in her prettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to
rapturous applause...

Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to
the delight of the audience.

Finally, out comes Johnny, in check shirt, and denim overalls.
He steps up to the microphone and says...

"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every
holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you
my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my
uncle's farm. Here is the first....'JOHNNY! GET OFF THAT
FUCKING TRACTOR!'"



The History of the World, According to Kids....

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one
of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't
have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - corinthian,
ironic, and dorc - and built the Apocalypse. They also had myths. A myth
is a female moth.

Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a success.
When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted
"hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe...Sir Francis Drake
circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was
invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when
the apples are falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster, which he
kept up in his attic.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in
the east and the sun sets in the west.

******************

My wife's not too smart. I told her our kid is spoiled
She told me a lot of kids smell that way. 
-Rodney Dangerfield



*******************

Writing Home the Easy Way:

Dear Parent(s), Date: ___________

I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of
interest to both of us.

Please send:

__ Money (Cash)! Amount: _________________________
__ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ___________
__ Clean clothes!

Relationships:

__ What?
__ I am in love with myself
__ I am in love!
__ I am engaged
__ I got married last weekend

My Roommate:

__ Worships the ground I walk on
__ Gave me a black eye
__ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
__ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed ???
__ Has fleas

My Professors are:

__ Sadistic water walkers
__ Mental institution escapees
__ Brain dead nerds
__ Super oxygen thieves

Latest News:

__ I wrecked the car
__ I can't use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit
limit
__ You are going to have a grandchild
__ False alarm - you are NOT going to have a grandchild

Food:

__ Is great!
__ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
__ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals


Grades:

__ I am making all A's
__ I am not being properly challenged
__ I will be home after this semester

I study:

__ Night and day
__ All the time
__ 80 hours a week
__ Only on Sunday afternoon
__ None of the above

Daily Devotions:

__ I read my Bible everyday
__ I can't read
__ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars

On my last visit home, I left:

__ My glasses
__ My paper that was due yesterday
__ The clothes you washed for me
__ My (girlfriend's) birth control pills
__ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
__ Other _____________________________________________

Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)

Laundry:

__ My white underwear is now _________________
__ I am saving money by not using detergent
__ Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester
__ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains

My room:

__ Can pass your "white glove" test
__ Is only _____% full
__ Could not be located last Saturday night
__ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training

Parties:

__ I don't inhale
__ I only go to meet people
__ Haven't been to one since this morning

Hope you:

__ Miss me
__ Can live without me
__ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence

Salutation:

__ Your Daughter,
__ Your Son,
__ Yours,


Software Engineering Glossary of Product Terminology:

NEW: Different colors from previous version.

ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.

UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.

ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.

NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.

BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.

DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.

UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.

UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.

******************

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

*****************************************


What "Win98" Really Means:

1. The number of floppies it will ship on.
2. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
3. The number of megabytes you'll have left on your hard drive after
you complete the installation.
4. The number of pages in the easy installation summary.
5. The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new 
operating system.
6. The number of minutes to install.
7. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
8. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
9. The number of fatal bugs that remain on the release date.
10. The year it was DUE to ship.

*******************

Once upon a time, there were two guys who wanted to pick up women on
a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladamir).
Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most
popular guy on the beach. But Vladamir had no success.

Vladamir: "Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract 
so many beautiful women?"

Vito: "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret . . just between you
and me. I don't want my system to become too public."

Vladamir: "OK. Its a deal."

Vito: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come
to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedos. When
the women see it they come running from miles around."

Vladamir: "That's it? I can do that."

The next day, Vladamir went over to the produce stand and picked out
the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went
into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedos.

As he walked out onto the beach he immediately noticed that women AND
men began to take notice of him.

"Its working, he thought." But soon he began to realize that they were
not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight
of him.

He rushed over to Vito and asked "Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't
it working?"

Vito: "Because your supposed to put the potato in the front."


A bus stops to let on a passenger. This attractive lady steps onto the bus
and puts her right thumb to her nose and wiggles her fingers without
saying a word. The bus driver puts his right thumb to his nose and his
left thumb to the palm of his right hand and wiggles all eight of his
fingers. The woman then looks a bit confused and in silence grabs her
boobs. The bus driver in a growing lack of patience grabs his balls, the
woman then turns around, grabs her ass and struts 
off the bus.

A frequent passenger who sits at the front of the bus looks to the driver,
and says, "Tom, I've been riding your bus for quite a few years now and
I've never seen anything as vulgar as this! I'm going to have to ride a
different route!"

Tom, the driver, looks to the woman sitting in the front seat and replies,
"You are mistaken, that woman was deaf. She asked me if this bus was
headed for 5th. street, I said, 'no, 10th street.' She asked if it went to
the Dairy Mart, I told her that it went to the ball park and she said,
'shit, I'm on the wrong bus' and left.'"

******************

A married guy was out getting a little "strange stuff" when he
suffered a massive heart attack and died... 

The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, 
saying "Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that 
we can't get to go away... What would you like us to do?" 

To which she replied, "Somehow, that doesn't surprise me... 
Cut it off and stuff it in his ass." 

When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat 
pained expression on her deceased husband's face as he lay in 
the casket... Bending over him she said softly, "Hurts, doesn't it?

*****************************************


Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and
your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.

"Well... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog
aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well... not exactly...."

"I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

*******************

>From the Washington Post -- a contest was held in which readers were asked
to come up with excuses to miss a day of work.

* If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices
told me to clean all the guns today.

* When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my
Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

* I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of
space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the
explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the
polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house
while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up
Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

* My stigmata's acting up.

* I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

* I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we
have that deadline to meet...

* I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

* Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder
and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes,
could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank
you for calling.

* Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

* I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't
come to work knowing my employee records may now contain
false information.

* The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

* The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

* I prefer to remain an enigma.

* My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must
track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give
her eternal peace. One day should do it.

* I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my
house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
helicopter transportation.

* I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

* I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

* I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter
tax. I insist on paying my fair share.


Employee Evaluation Name: ________________________ 
Date: __________________
Position: ___________________

==================================================
Knowledge:
[ ] The Son of a Bitch Really Knows His Shit!
[ ] Knows Just Enough To Be Dangerous.
[ ] Only Has Half a Brain and is Dangerous.
[ ] Fucking Brain Damaged, His Coffee Cup Has a Higher IQ.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Accuracy:
[ ] Does Excellent Work If Not Pre-occupied With Pussy.
[ ] Pretty Good; Only Occasionally Blows it Out His Ass.
[ ] Has to Take His Shoes Off To Count Higher Than Ten.
[ ] Couldn't Count His Balls And Get The Same Number Twice.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Attitude:
[ ] Extremely Cooperative (If You Kiss His Ass Daily).
[ ] Brown Noser In Good Standing.
[ ] Often Pisses Off Co-Workers, Thinks He Owns the Damn Place
[ ] Doesn't Give A Shit, Never Did, Never Will.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Reliability:
[ ] Really A Dependable CockSucker.
[ ] Works So Hard That He Has To Take An Extra Day Off Each Week.
[ ] Can Rely On Him To Be The First One Out The Door.
[ ] Totally Fucking Worthless.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Appearance:
[ ] Extremely Neat, Even Combs His Pubic Hair.
[ ] Looks Great On His Days Off.
[ ] Dirty, Filthy, Smelly Son Of a Bitch.
[ ] Flies Leave Fresh Dog Shit To Follow Him.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Performance:
[ ] Goes Like A Son Of A Bitch...If There's Money In It For Him.
[ ] Does All Kinds of Good Shit At Evaluation Time.
[ ] Works Well After An Enema.
[ ] Couldn't Do Less If He Were In A Coma.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Leadership:
[ ] Carries A Chain saw And Gets Good Results.
[ ] Macho Attitude, Commands Total Disgust.
[ ] Dog Fasted For Three Day Last Time He Brought Home Pork Chops.
[ ] Mother Teresa Told Him to Get Fucked.
==================================================
I UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE BEEN COUNSELED AND UNDERSTAND MY RIGHTS
UNDER THE PRIVACY ACT OF 1974. I FURTHER ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I AM FUCKED UP
AND WORTHLESS AS A FOOTBALL BAT, AND I WILL MAKE SOME KIND OF ATTEMPT TO
CORRECT MY OBVIOUS DEFICIENCES.

_______________________________ Employee Signature (If He Can Write)

****************** 


This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody,
and Nobody. There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was
asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could
have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it
was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody
realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that
Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

*******************

Baxter Conners
Vice President
Company 203
203 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015

Dear Mr. Conners,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful 
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to 
accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an 
unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a 
varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible 
for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and 
previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that 
your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. 
Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm 
immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing 
you then.

Sincerely,

X________________


The Top Songs On The Benedictine Monks' Best-Selling CD

20. Hey, Hey, We're The Monks
19. (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction
18. I'm Too Sexy For This Robe...
17. Cyronus Achus Breakus
16. Ain't Misbehavin'
15. What's A Vow Of Chastity Got To Do With It?
14. Red, Red Wine
13. Celebate! Celebate! Dance To The Music!
12. Shock The Monk
11. Give Peace A Chant
10. Hand Jive
9. 50 Ways To Leave Your Monestary
8. Born To Be Mild
7. Oh, Sherry
6. Don't Stand So Close To Me
5. Beat It
4. Can't Touch That!
3. I Write The Psalms
2. Smells Like (Holy Spirit)
1. Light My Friar

******************

A man showed some friends his apartment. One guest asked "What's that
big brass basin for?"

"That's the talking clock," answered the man.

He gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer. 

Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, "Knock it off!
Don't you know that it's 2 a.m., you idiot?"

*****************************************


Q. Why are OJ Simpson, Heidi Fleiss, Ted Kennedy, and Greg Louganis
the worst foursome in golf?

A. Because one's a slicer, one's a hooker, one can't drive, and the
other one always goes for the wrong hole.

*******************

It seems that when God was making the world, He called man over and
bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified! Only
20 years of normal sex life? But the Lord was very adamant and that was
all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years, But I don't need 20
years, he protested, ten is plenty for me. Man spoke up eagerly Can I have
the other ten? the monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him 20 years and the lion, like
the monkey, wanted only ten. Again man spoke up Can I have the other
ten? the lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given 20 years but, like the others, ten
was sufficient and again man pleaded; Can I have the other ten?

Which explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life ten years of
monkeying around ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an
ass of himself...



The Top 20 Things You Hear On A Football Broadcast 
That Sound Dirty, But Aren't

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you gotta just start pounding it.
14. He's gonna feel that one tommorow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around
11. He had to stretch to get it in
10. He's got great hands
9. He blows them off (at the line)
8. He bangs it in
7. He could go all the way
6. He gets it off just in time
5. He goes deep
4. He found a hole and slid through it
3. He pounds it in
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He gets penetration into the backfield.

(This one arrived w/o any copyright verification, but I have a sneaky
suspicion ...)


*******************

I Just Knew that I was in Big Trouble at Work When...

...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.

...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.

...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."

...I got a "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.

...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.

...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.

...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.

...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.

...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

...my secretary sez things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."

...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.

...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.

...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.

...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me.


One day Sherlock Holmes and Watson sat down to enjoy their favorite lunch
of fish and chips. Just as they were about to tuck in, Holmes suddenly
stood up and shouted. 

"Watson stand up!" 

Confused, Watson stood up. 

"Watson! Drop your trousers!" he barked. 

Worried, Watson loosened his belt and dropped his trousers. 

"Watson! Bend over!" Holmes ordered. 

Watson bent over. 

Holmes then plucked the wedge of lemon from Watson's plate and shoved it
straight up Watson's crack. 

Watson screamed "In God's name Holmes what on earth are you doing?" 

To which Holmes calmly replied "A lemon-entry my dear Watson ... a
lemon-entry ..." 

******************

If I had a million bucks, I'd buy a new butt.
Mine has a crack in it.

*****************************************
*****************************************
**** Visit Big Gyant Head's Joke Archive 
**** For More Humor, Fun Downloads,
**** Play Games & Enter Contests!
**** Watch this space...Plaza Palooza is coming...duck!!
**** Launch Date: 8/01/98
**** http://www.big-gyant-head.com 
*****************************************
*****************************************

A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was
enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite 
bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason, the 
manager said,

"Because you peed in the pool."
"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."
"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."

*******************

Top 16 Signs that Your Inner Child is Unhappy...

16. Hasn't touched your inner trainset for days. 

15. Spends all day sulking in your lower intestine. 

14. You've stopped shouting "Wheeeee!" on the elevator at work. 

13. Joins an inner gang and goes wilding through your pancreas. 

12. You attempt to overdose on a lethal combination of J&B and M&M's. 

11. When you try to hug him, he pulls away and calls you a "pathetic
codependent loser." 

10. When your boss calls you incompetant, you reply: "I know you are, but
what am I?" 

9. Has been sulking since you refused to buy that Power Ranger doll. 

8. Constantly whacking the holy hell out of the inner puppy you gave him
for his birthday. 

7. You keep getting thrown out of bars for ordering Lucky Charms and Milk. 

6. Primal scream portion of "Bert and Ernie's Anger Management Workshop"
has kept you up three nights in a row. 

5. Sudden urge to knock your morning cappuccino and bagel onto the floor. 

4. You discover you have an Inner Madonna carrying your Inner Child. 

3. Says she can't wait until she's 18 so she can "get the hell outta this
dump." 

2. You keep your therapist at bay with a Lego Uzi until gummi bear ransom
is delivered. 

1. Hires an inner lawyer and slaps your ass with a $40 million inner
lawsuit. 


You Know it's Gonna Be a Baaad Day When:

1. your twin sister forgets your birthday.
2. you wake up face down on the pavement.
3. you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
4. you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
5. you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.
6. your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
7. your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own
business.
8. you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and 
there aren't any.
9. you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes
out of your city.
10. the woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your
wife.
11. you wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you
realize that you don't have a water bed.
12. your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a
group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
13. you get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver saying that
you're no longer funny.
14. your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."
15. you open the paper and find your picture under a caption that
reads: "WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!"
16. your ex-lover calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that
you'd better get THE test.
17. you wake up at work naked in front of your co-workers.
18. when someone accuses you of faking humor.
19. your lover tells you, "I'm sub-letting another apartment and the
movers are here to move me."
20. you have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up.

******************
Siobhan Fitzpatrick sends:

A gay man walks into a bar on the grungy outskirts of town. He sits down
at the bar and asks politely for a drink. The bartend laughed and
replied, "Sorry fella, we don't serve fairies." The gay man pleaded with
the bartender, "Please Mr. Bartender, gimme a drink and I'll sit in the
back and no one will even know I'm here." and he handed the bartender a
$20 bill. The bartender gave in, gave him his drink, and the gay man
moved to the back of the bar as promised. A few minutes later, a
construction worker walks in, hot, sweaty, and obviously thirsty. He sits
in front of the bartender and says, "Bartender gimme something nice and
COLD. I'm so thristy I could lick the sweat off a bull's balls!" Then a
voice from the back of the bar says, "Moo, moo buckeroo!"

*****************************************
*****************************************
Hey! Here's a kool new thing at the HaHa site...
Live Entertainment, in association with Pseudo Internet TV
You can get streaming audio and video brought to you 
with Real Player. ( If you don't have the latest Real Player G2 beta
you can get that there too, and yep, it's all free.) I've got 29 channels
available including, Hip Hop, Biz Tech, Sci Fi & the Paranormal,
Lifestyles, All Games Network, Sports and s'more.
I've got the main page loading faster now too, yyaaaaayyyyy!!
So go have fun, but finish reading your jokes first. :p

http://www.big-gyant-head.com 
*****************************************
*****************************************
Trekker sends:

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a
popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a
man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, " But then
I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then-just tell my wife!"

******************

Teenager (noun) 

1. A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in
groups in front of television sets (See SLOTHS.) Thought to be a member of
Homo Sapiens due to physical similarities, though social and emotional
behavior leads many researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely
different species altogether (See PARENTS.) Very territorial. (See ITS MY
ROOM STAY OUT OF MY ROOM.) 

Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their
peer groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food,
and responsibility (See FATHERS, QUOTATIONS OF.) The males of the species
forage for food constantly (See MACDONALDS) and can consume three times
their weight every day. When in full plumage, the males are usually drab,
marked by loose fitting garments which slide off their backsides and look
ridiculous (See FATHERS, QUOTATIONS OF.) The females, on the other hand,
sport striking colors under their eyes, throughout their hair, and on the
tips of their fingers. Females often attract males by wearing garments to
accentuate chest development (See WONDER BRAS.) Males indicate their
approval by staring at the display (See FATHERS, HEART ATTACKS OF.) The
call of the female is complex and shrill: "Like, O m'God! O m' God!" Males
are less vocal, signaling to other males with a salutatory "Yo. Yo. Yo.
S'up? S'up? S'up?" 

Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments. The females hold
telephone receivers to their ears an average of six hours a day. When
challenged for possession, they snarl and warn intruders "I'm doing my
HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK." The males lie immobile for hours at a
time, conserving energy and listening to violent electronic signals from
radios. 

Male Teenagers concentrate on important information (See FATHERS, LECTURES
OF) by rolling their eyes, shrugging, kicking dirt and sighing. Females
burst into tears and slam doors. Many Homo Sapiens families have a
host-to-parasite relationship with one (See STRESS) or more than one (See
EXTREME STRESS) Teenager. These host families often develop a resistance
to the parasite, rejecting them some time in the eighteenth year of life.
Often, though, this rejection is merely theoretical, with the Teenager
continuing to live off of the host Homo Sapiens family for many years
afterward, often at great sacrifice (See COLLEGE.) 2.) Of, relating to,
and especially EXPLAINING irrational, intolerable, or inexplicable
behavior. ("She's a Teenager.") 3.) A request for sympathy, offered by
adult parents to each other in support. ("I have a Teenager at home.")
Often accompanied by sighs, headshaking, tongue clucking, and shoulder
shrugging. 


HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?

WIFE: That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart.

******************

Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is
examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.

"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your
chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea
what you might do once you're released?"

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for
mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But
on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here
in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be
interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go
back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in
lately."

Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing
possibilities."

The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on
being a teapot."


A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief
Devil in Charge).

Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own
personal hell.

Man: That's not so bad, whatcha got?

Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, and assess
the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity.

The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on
their heads on a hardwood floor.

Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next?

The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on
concrete floors.

Man: That looks worse, got anything left?

The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing
knee deep in crap, drinking coffee.

Man: Well, the crap smells but it is soft, I could stand the smell
and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one.

Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want?

Man: Absolutely!

The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As
soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says "Alright,
coffee break is over, back on your heads!"

******************

Define: "Tender Love"
Homosexuals with hemorrhoids.

*****************************************

Why do female parachutists wear tampons?
So they don't whistle on the way down.

******************

A divorced woman had been on her own for several months 
and was starting to get extremely horny. She went to the 
grocery store and while there starting eyeing the attractive 
bag boy. She couldn't help but admire his youthful and sexy 
appearance.

On the way out to the car, while the boy was carrying her bags, 
she decided to make her move. Leaning over to the boy she 
whispered, "You know, I've got an itchy pussy...."

The savvy boy replied, "Well you're gonna have to point it out, 
ma'am, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!"


The Height of All Emotions
>>
>>Height of patience
>>A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana
>>tree
>>
>>Height of frustration:
>>A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
>>
>>Height of Innocence
>>A teenager girl applying Clearsil to her nipples.
>>
>>Height of Unemployment
>>Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.
>>
>>Height of laziness:
>>A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do
>>the rest.
>>
>>Height of Competition:
>>A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
>>
>>Height of Sophistication:
>>Sucking nipples with a straw.
>>
>>Height of Disgust:
>>While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes
>>through the
>>paper.
>>
>>Height of Technology
>>Condom with zip.
>>
>>Height of Trouble:
>>A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his arse itching.

What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Make a tyre and call it a Good Year!

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's piano?
Well he hasn't either!!

After a quarrel, 
wife: "u know, i was a fool when i married you."
husband: "yes, dear. Too bad i was in love and didn't notice u were a 
fool."

Erap (philippine president) in Hong Kong goes to Esprit store. Took some
pants and shirts and 
proceeded to leave. The guard chased him. When asked why he didn't pay, 
he said, "Oh, I thought esprit!"

Erap gestured in a speech for the deaf and mute. He rubbed his nipples, 
scratched his groin and masturbated furiously! He then said, "That 
means, ladies and gentlemen, that it's with great pleasure........"

What do you call a pig in a Merc?
A: pork and benz

What powerful muscle can separate the thighs and lift the pelvis, yet is 
so small?
A: tongue

What's the dif'rence between a toad and a horny toad?
A: one says, "ribbit" and the other says, "rub it"

Where do most women have black curly hair?
A: In Africa (u, dirty mind)!

Why do men need to close their eyes during sex?
A: So that they won't see the face of their wives

Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
A: Bachelors go to their fridge, see nothing tasty, and go to bed.
Married men go to bed, see nothing tasty, and go to the fridge.


Two lawyers are stranded on a deserted island,
nothing around them for miles and miles but water.

They've been stranded here for quite some time,
so they've gotten quite bored with one another.

One of the lawyers tells the other he's going to
climb to the top of the tree (the only thing on the island)
to see if he can possibly see a rescue team coming.

The other lawyer tells him he's crazy
and that he's just wasting his time and won't see anything.
But the lawyer proceeds to climb to the top of the tree anyway.

He's up there only a short time when the lawyer down
on the ground hears him say, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes!
I don't believe this is true!"

So the lawyer on the ground says,
"What do you see?
I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."

So the lawyer reluctantly climbs down the tree
and proceeds to tell his friend that he saw
a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.

The other lawyer starts to laugh,
thinking his friend has surely lost his mind.
But within a few minutes, up floats a naked blonde woman,
face up, totally unconscious.

The two lawyers go over to where she is,
and one says to the other,

"Well, you know it's been a long time... do you think we should screw her?"

The other lawyer responds, "Out of what?"

******************

"And will there be anything else, sir ?" the bellboy asked after
setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

"No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful
satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.

"Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring
up a postcard."

*****************************************

Since the girl couldn't type, she was fired;
And asked to explain why she was hired.
"The executive's dong
Is only four inches long.
I thought shorthand was all he required"

*******************

As the forman was inspecting the workmen on site, he was
suprised to find one worker hanging from a rope in the middle 
of the room repeating, "I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier." 

The forman gives him a stern talking to as the other men 
watched and orders him back to work. During his next 
inspection of the same room, again the worker is hanging from 
the rope doing exactly what he was told not to. 

Furious at his disobedience the forman fires him on the spot. 
To his surprise every worker in the room begins packing up 
their tools and leaving.

He stops one worker and says, "Why are all of you leaving?" 

To which the reply is "You don't expect us to work without light 
do you?" 

******************

Q: What does Yoko Ono have in common with the Ethiopians?
A: They both live off dead beetles.

*****************************************



This construction worker had climbed 20 stories to the job 
site. Once there he'd asked the foreman if he could go back
down to take a leak. Not wanting to lose the time, the 
foreman balanced on I-beam across another, stood on one
end, and told the worker to walk out to the other end to pee.

While the worker was doing his business, the phone rang.
The foreman, forgetting what he was doing, stepped off
the I-beam and the worker plunged 20 stories to his death.

The next week the safety inspectors came by to conduct a
routine investigation into the accident. They talked to the 
ground crew.

"I think it was sex-related, " offered one of the crew.

"Sex releated? How do you figure that?" said the investigator.

"Well, what made me look up was this guy coming down, 
dick in his hand, screaming, 'where did that cocksucker 
go???'"


This drunk guy is sitting at the bar whining about how his wife hates him
to drink. In the process he throws up on himself. He says "There is no way
I can go home with puke all over my shirt." The bartender says, "Do you
have any money?" The guy says "Ya why?" The bartender says, "Put $20
dollars in your pocket and tell your wife the guy next to you puked and
the $20 is for dry cleaning."

So the guy goes home and his wife is just raggin his ass out for being
drunk. She sees the puke and he says " Hey, this not from me, the guy next
to me did it and he gave me $20 for dry cleaning. Reach into my pocket
you'll see." So his wife reaches into the pocket and pulls out $40. She
then replies "Well smartass what's the other $20 for?" He says " Oh well
that's from the guy who shit my pants!"

******************

I finally had to stop seeing that cannibal I was dating.
He only wanted me for my body. :p

*****************************************

A female midget went into a bar. Just to prove she was friendly, she
kissed everybody in the joint.

*******************

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to
their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a
running commentary on their love-making. Finally the groom threw a large
towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he
didn't quit it.

The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a
large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try."

That didn't work.

Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you
get on top and I'll try."

Still no success.

Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."

At that point the parrot yanked away the towel and said, "Zoo or no zoo,
this, I gotta see !!!"


A ninety-year old woman in a nursing home decided that she still wanted to
have sex. She ran into the recreation room, lifted her dress, and showing
her snatch, cried, "Super pussy!"

There were no takers. The old lady ran into another room, lifted her
dress, and called out, "Super pussy! Super pussy!"

There were still no takers.

The old lady ran into the dining room, where one old man was sitting. She
ran up to him and lifted her dress. "Super pussy, super pussy!" she cried.

The old man looked at her and said, "I'll have the soup."

******************

"Hey Doc, every time my wife and I make love, my balls turn purple." 
"Are you and your wife using the diaphram that I recommended?" 
"Yes sir, every time." 
"Hmm, What type of jelly are you using?' 
"Grape."

*****************************************


A tall fellow walked into the john to take a leak. While standing at
the urinal, a very short guy, dressed in green, came up to the urinal
beside him.

The tall guy looked down and noticed the little guy had the biggest
member he had ever seen. So big, in fact, he asked the guy how he
ever got a dick that big.

The little guy said that he was a leprechaun and just wished for it.
The big fellow said, "Hey, if you're a leprechaun, grant me a wish; I
want one that big!". The little guy said, "Okay, but you're not going
to like what you'll have to do to get it.". He responded, "I don't
care, what ever it takes.". The little guy said, "All right, you have
to let me pork you,".

The deed was done. As the big guy uncomfortably pulled up his pants,
he muttered, "I can't believe I let you do that to me.".

The little guy said, "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun."

Fast Delivery (Pun)
I had a publisher phone this morning saying he wanted a photograph of me
for inclusion with my latest article. Trouble was his deadline. I tried
sending it by Federal Express, because I didn't trust an electronic
transmission to have good quality. But I got delayed and missed the
Federal Express truck. I guess I'll just ...
have to face fax.

******************
Q: What do you have when you're holding two green balls in your hand?
A: Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.

******************
Q: Why did Disney World fail in Japan?
A: Nobody was tall enough to go on the good rides.

*****************************************


A winded young lass named Voghill
Sat down to rest on a molehill
The resident mole
Stuck his nose in her hole.
Miss Voghill's okay, but the mole's ill.

*******************


A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
speed.
Generally, he was driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long?
Hit the ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I
want to make this a perfect shot."

His partner ponders this for a moment, and then replies:

"Forget it man, you don`t stand a snowball`s chance in hell of hitting
her from here!"


The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for
its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to
do in case you are attacked by an anaconda. Now an anaconda is
the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor,
it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four
hundred pounds at the maximum. This is what the manual said: 

1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The 
snake is faster than you are.

2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your
sides, your legs tight against one another

3. Tuck your chin in.

4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over 
your body.

5. Do not panic

6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you
from the feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to
swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic

7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You
must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.

8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little
movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very
gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the
edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards,
severing the snake's head.

9. Be sure you have your knife.

10. Be sure your knife is sharp.


******************

There are riches in the hearts of friends
You'll never find in banks;
There's wealth beyond your wildest dreams
In one small word of thanks;
There's gold within the sunset
As it glimmers in the west;
But all that crap won't keep your car
>From being re-posessed.


*****************************************

Q: Why do doctors spank newborn babies?
A: To knock the dicks off the stupid ones.

*******************

A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox
rabbi for their final session.

The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.

The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"

"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance
separately."

"So I can't dance with my own wife?"

"No."

"Well, okay," says the man,"but what about sex?"

"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"

"What about different positions?" the man asks.

"No problem," says the rabbi.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Why not?" replies the rabbi.

"How about doggie-style?"

"Of course!"

"Well, what about standing up?"

"NO!" says the rabbi....

"Could lead to dancing!"


Murphy's Laws of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to
happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer,
it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual
where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even
more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved
from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely
what you want it to do. 

******************

Programmers Poem:

!*''#
^"`$$-
!*=@$_
%* ~#4
&[]../
|{,,SYSTEM HALTED

The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, to wit: 

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,
Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,
Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,
Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH.

*****************************************

I have a spell checker
It came with my PC
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see

Eye ran this poem threw it
Your sure real glad two no
Its very polished in its own weigh
My chequer tolled me sew

A cheek or is a blessing
It freeze yew lodes of thyme
It helps me right awl stiles two reed
And aides me when aye rime

Now spilling does not phase me
It does knot bring a tier
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud
And wee mussed dew the best wee can
Sew flaws are knot aloud

So ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want to please

*******************
The SMTP (email) Server with an Attitude:

Mar 23 03:47:48 conductor qmail: 859106868.539609 delivery 283464:
success:
206.222.80.7_accepted_message./Remote_host_said:_250_Whew!_Done!
_Was_it_as_good_for_you_as_it_was_for_me?/

Intrigued, I went and checked the site; here's a trace:

220 mail.compmore.net SMTP ready, Who are you gonna pretend to be today?
helo conductor.synapse.net
250 mailr.compmore.net Is thrilled beyond bladder control to meet
conductor.synapse.net
mail from:
250 sender is , (yeah sure, it's probably forged)
rcpt to:
250 recipient , I know them! they'll just *LOVE* to hear from you!
data
354 OK, fire away. End with .
Subject: test

Test

250 Whew! Done! Was it as good for you as it was for me?
help
500 Bloody Amateur! Proper forging of mail requires recognizable SMTP
commands!
quit
221 It's been real. Take off Eh!


Asian Economy Worsens! 

Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of 
improving. If anything, it's getting worse. 

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded,
it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up.
Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.
Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song. 

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 
500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped. Analysts report 
that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and
staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

******************

Q: Why did the condom fly across the room?
A: It got pissed off.

*****************************************


Q: Why don't the cheerleaders in San Francisco wear short skirts?
A: Because when they sit down their balls hang out.

*******************


How do you know if you have weight problems?

if you are sunbathing on the beach and suddenly members of greenpeace
appear and start pushing you back in the sea.

*****************************************

Man, to dentist: "No fancy stuff, Doctor, no gas or needles or any of that
stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

Dentist: "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you. Which tooth is
it?"

Man: "Show him, honey."

*******************

PhyllisK sends:

This married couple is on holiday in Pakistan. They're
touring around the market place looking at the goods and
such, when they pass this small sandal shop. From inside
they hear a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say "I
welcome you, foreigners! Come in, come in to my humble
shop.

So the married couple walks in. The Pakistani man says
to them "I have some special sandals I think you'd be
interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great
desert camel."

The wife after hearing this is really interested in buying
the sandals, but her husband feels he really doesn't need
them, being the sex god that he is. So the husband says to
the Pakistani, "How could sandals make you into a sex
freak?"

The Pakistani replies "Just try them on." The husband,
after much badgering from his wife, finally concedes to try
them on. As he does, he gets this wild look in his eyes,
something his wife has not seen in many years; raw sexual
power.

In a blink of the eye, the husband rushes the Pakistani
man, throws him on a table and starts tearing at the guys
pants.

All the time the Pakistani man is screaming "Stop, stop!
You've got them on the wrong feet!"


A man in a trenchcoat walked into a supermarket. After walking around for
several minutes he grabbed a large can of beans and moved on to the
cashier.

He placed the can down on the counter, opened his trenchcoat and slapped
his genitals down next to the beans.

The shocked cashier picked up the can and proceeded to slam it repeatedly
down on the flasher's private parts. He screamed and passed out from the
pain.

The police were called and in the memo section of the incident report the
responding officer wrote, "he should have purchased a loaf of bread".

******************

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo."

*****************************************


What does an 850 pound gerbil do for kicks?
He shoves gay guys up his ass.


Yogi Berra:"A nickle ain't worth a dime anymore"
Yogi Berra:"Why buy good luggage? you only use it when you travel?"
Yogi Berra:"When you come to a fork in the road, take it!"
Yogi Berra:"Always go to other peoples funerals, otherwise they won't go
to yours!"
Yogi Berra:"Never answer an anonymous letter"
Yogi Berra:"Ninety percent of the game is half mental"
Yogi Berra: (on if he wanted his pizza cut into 4 or 6 pieces) "just cut
it into 4 pieces.. i can't eat 6 pieces"

******************

Seen on the back of a Harley-Davidson Tee Shirt:
"If you can read this, my bitch fell off." 

*****************************************


Why don't elephants wear tampons?
You wouldn't wear one either if you had to put it in with your nose!

*******************

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day
complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed
up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely
backwards."

"Just last week I told her to give a patient 2
milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10
milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this
week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24
hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!
The guy damn near exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from
down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I
just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's
boil!"


When you think about it, there are only two things you need to make people:

You've got to have sex; you've got to have food. That's it. You don't
need clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it's sex and
food.

But for some reason, sex is thought of as dirty. Maybe God is a
Republican, and He said, "All right, if you want to propagate go ahead,
but only late at night while listening to Pastor Fry's Meditations with
the bedroom door closed, once a week, the husband on top."

But not only can you eat the charred, decaying flesh of other major 
mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends to
watch: "Hey, Chuck, why don't you come over on Sunday? We're going to kill
a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids -- we'll have a
hell of a time."

What if they were switched around? What if, through a simple twist of
fate, sex were clean and food were dirty? Our entire culture would change.

Food would become a four-letter word.

- When people got angry at you, they'd yell out, "Oh, yeah?
Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper."

- Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork.

- Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests.
"Ohmigod. It's a pepperoni."

- Locker room talk would change. "Hey, man, how'd you do
this weekend?" "Two burgers and a bag of curly fries."

- Garlic would be illegal in most southern states.

- Supermakets would check IDs and charge admission to the
poultry section.

- Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection.

- Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues.
"All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the
buns, mister."

- Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers
and would move to the Bay Area.

- Most suburban school districts would ban Home Ec.

- Hookers would become cooks. You'd be accosted on street
corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons. "Hey, big
boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna go crack some crab?"

- Christian Fundamentalists would make meat and potatoes a
religious tenet.

- Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic.

- Parents would tell their children, "Don't play with your
food or you'll go blind."

- Kids would remember the first time their mother caught
them marinating.

... Practice safe eating. Use condiments..

*****************************************

Q. Why dont teddy bears make noise when they screw?
A. Because they have cotton balls!

*******************

An Englishman , a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give
speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an
impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues 
starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he
finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and
thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus
Gentlemen. So my speech started :Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll
go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by
making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before
also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his
colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By
imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was
starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll
go one further than those mainland bastards and started his
speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his
chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest
and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech
by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great
pleasure..."


A guy went home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice whispered
to him: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."
The man was disturbed about what he heard and ignored the voice. 

The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The
voice whispered to him: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money,
go to Vegas." Again the man ignored the voice, though he was very troubled
by the event. 

Every day, the man was tormented by the same voice when he came home from
work: "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each
time the man heard the voice he became increasingly upset. 

Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job,
sold his house, got together all his money and headed to Vegas. The moment
the man got off the plane in Vegas, the voice told him, "Go to Harrah's."


So he hopped in a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. As soon as he set foot
in the casino, the voice echoed, "Go to the roulette table." The man did
as he was told. 

When he arrived at the roulette table, the voice firmly told him, "Put all
your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and
then put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the
roulette wheel. 

Around and around the ball caromed. The man anxiously watched the ball as
it slowly lost speed until finally it settled into number . . . 21. 

The voice said, "Damn..." 

******************

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

*****************************************

Q: What's the difference between a sewing machine and a lady jogging?
A: The sewing machine has just one bobbin.

*******************

Things We'd Like to See on Company Motivational Posters:

1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better
company someday.
2) It's only unethical if you get caught.
3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to
budget cuts.
4) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job
WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
5) Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
6) If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!
(We suck less!)
7) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it
by killing all those who opposed them.
8) We put the "k" in "kwality"
9) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right
thing.
10) Artificial Intelligence in no match for Natural Stupidity
11) A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a
scapegoat.
12) If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you
probably haven't completely understood the situation.
13) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.....
14) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We
are union members!
15) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
16) Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"
17) We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile.
18) Plagiarism saves time.
19) If at first you don't succeed - try management.
20) At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.
21) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
22) This can't go on for ever, even the Third Reich only lasted 12
years
23) Never quit until you have another job.
24) TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.


Some of you are not particularly adept in the use of the computer, so I
thought it well to pass along some hints on how to use your computer
efficiently with the Internet. 

Remember that the information with which you are dealing is in the form of
electrons. Electrons are very small (so small that it takes two full
professors of physics and a graduate student just to see one), but they
are real entities with mass and weight and which occupy space. This can be
used to your advantage. 

For example, electrons have mass and weight and therefore are subject to
the laws of gravity. So if you are downloading a file from the net, the
process can be made faster by having your computer, hard disk, and modem
BELOW your telephone jack so gravity can speed the process. On the other
hand, when you upload a file to the net, hold your computer, hard drive,
and modem ABOVE your telephone jack, thus combining uploading with a brisk
cardiovascular workout. If your phone jack is at floor level, have it
raised or your downloading will always be slow. 

You will note that when uploading, the weight of your hard disk becomes a
real factor. You can reduce the weight of your hard disk in two ways.
First, remove all unnecessary files and store them on a separate storage
device. Secondly, change the typeface and size of all retained files to 3
point Times Condensed. Considerably less space and hence, fewer electrons
and less weight will be on your hard drive. 

The Internet is complex and delicate and easily thrown out of balance.
Therefore, it is important to balance carefully your downloads and uploads
so that they are roughly equal. (The Internet can compensate for small
imbalances.) If you have just downloaded an 8 megabyte program you should
immediately upload an 8 megabyte transmittal. The easiest way to do this
is to create (by cut and paste) an 8 megabyte file of gibberish which you
can transmit so a friend or news group chosen at random. ( For all you
AOLers, just click the FORWARD button when you receive a FWD: and make
sure that it goes out to your entire recipient list, those generally take
up about 8 MB as well. oops, who said that?)

******************

Q: What's the definition of indecent?
A: When it's in long and it's in deep then it's indecent.

*****************************************

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. 
She started her class by sying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid,
stand up!" 

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" 

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

*******************

Software we'd like to see developed:

KeyFind
Give your desktop the power to find your car keys!
Cutting edge technology "listens" to you
move about your home or office and
registers the exact location where you mindlessly
placed your keys. It's SmartVoice feature leads you back to that
location by telling you you're "cold", "warm", "hot" or "burning up".

LitiGate
Lets you turn minor injuries into big bank accounts
much faster than the court system.
Just pick a wealthy celebrity
and follow the easy steps.

WebSuck
Locates every web site still under construction.

ButtMill
Trim down those buns with your mouse!
No more exhausting exercise programs.

ZitDoctor
Defragment your face!

Mr. Dentist
3-D program lets you locate popcorn shells
without using your tongue.

QUACKEN
Quickly finds a holistic herbal remedy
for whatever ails you.

SockTracker
Use this application before you do your laundry.
SockTracker Deluxe also does your laundry.

LunchShop
Lets women split their lunch tab
to one billionth of a penny.
A must for restaurateurs who want to
greatly speed up their table turnaround.

JobSECURE
Uses your own voice to call in sick for you.
Just choose one of hundreds of diseases and common ailments
and JobSECURE will modify your voice accordingly.

AMENDER
Makes altering the Constitution fun and easy.
Change it to benefit your commercial endeavors or
to make everyone else comply to your particular
moral and religious standards.
Broke the law?
Just change the law!

TanLine
Creates perfect horizontal, vertical and diagonal
tan-colored lines instantly.

AssetASSESS
Before you commit to a relationship,
check out their assets first.


A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to
Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just
became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to
stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of
course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found
a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied
the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to
fast,to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette
blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off
after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going
well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the
speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2
Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.

He then relayed, "and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on
a 10 speed bike honking to pass".

******************

Q. Why do women in Canada use hockey pucks instead of tampons?
A. Because they last two periods.

*****************************************


Q. What do you call oral sex with yuppies?
A. Sixty-Something.

******************* 

MATTEL ANNOUNCES the latest in their new line of Barbie products, the
"Hacker Barbie." These new dolls will be released next month. The aim of
these dolls is to negate the stereotype that women are umerophobic,
computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.

This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie's very own
X-terminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA's "In a Nutshell" series.

The Barbie clothing includes a dirty button-up shirt and a pair of
well-worn jeans. Accessories include a Casio all-purpose watch, and
glasses with lenses thick enough to set ants on fire. (Pocket protectors
and HP calculators optional.)

The new Barbie has the incredible ability to stare at the screen without
blinking her eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 16 hours
straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such as
"What's your Internet address?", "I like TCP/IP!", "Bummer! Your kernel
must have gotten trashed," "Can't you grep that file?", and "DEC's Alpha
AXP is awesome!"

"We are very excited about this product," said Ken Olsen, Marketing
Executive, "and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage
incurred by the mathophobic Barbie." (A year ago, Mattel released Barbie
dolls that say, "Math is hard," with a condescending companion Ken.) The
Hacker Barbie's Ken is an incompetent management consultant who frequently
asks Barbie for help.

Leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of Barbie dolls.
Naomi Falodji says, "I believe that these new dolls will finally terminate
the notion that womyn are inherently inferior when it comes to mathematics
and the sciences. However, I feel that Ken's hierarchical superiority
would simply reinforce the patriarchy and oppress the masses." Mattel made
no comment.

Parents, however, are worried that they will fall behind the children
technologically when the Hacker Barbie comes out. "My daughter Jenny
played with the prototype Hacker Barbie for two days," says Mrs. Mary
Carlson of rural Oxford, Mississippi, "and now she pays my credit card
bill online. Got no idea how she does it, but she surely does it. I just
don't wanna be looked upon as some dumb mama." Mattel will be offering
free training courses for those who purchase the Hacker Barbie.

The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with the
complex aspects of Barbie. "Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail" will teach
computer ethics to youngsters, while "BARBIE RITES L1KE BIFF!!!" will
serve as an introduction to expository writing.


The Bible According To Kids

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noahs wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.

Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The
Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the
unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, were they made unleavened bread
which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up
on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.

He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical
times.

Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in
the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to you.

He also explained, A man doth not live by sweat alone.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This called monotony.

******************

What has red hair, big feet and lives in a test tube?
Bozo the Clone.

*****************************************


What happened to the indian who drank 100 cups of tea?
He drowned in his tea pee.

*******************

An American tourist couple, both sociologists, were walking the streets of
a small town in Saudi Arabia. It was nearing the middle of the day and
they didn't want to miss lunch at their ramshackle hotel-- the only one in
town and which always served meals promptly. They came upon an old herder
perched on a stool beside his camel. "Excuse me, sir," the man asked, "but
could you tell me the time?" 

The old man glanced at them, spat in the dirt, then turned and reached
under his camel....and hefted the animal's testicles. After a moment, he
released them. "It is 10 minutes before noon," he replied. The couple
exchanged confused looks, thanked the man and hurried back to their hotel,
arriving just in time for the meal. 

Later that day, the wandering couple found themselves again on the same
street and spied the old herder perched beside his camel, apparently
unmoved. 

Curious as to how he could tell time by fondling his animal's balls---an
old Muslim craft?-- they approached him and asked again, "Sir, can you
tell us the time?" They watched closely as he again reached up and grabbed
the camel's jewels, seemingly judging their weight, then pronounced, "It
is half-past four." 

The couple excitedly exchanged looks. The woman blurted, "Oh, sir! That is
an amazing ability you have! Could you show us how you do it?!? 

"Surely," the herder responded tiredly, and motioned them to squat beside
him. "Now, grasp his balls gently and lift them up to his belly." The
woman did so while her companion watched. "What now?", she inquired. 

"Now," said the old man, "look over there--can you now see the clock in
the far tower? When the big hand is on the......." 


An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on
his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to
know who is going in with him. 

He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"

The girl tells him that he CAN'T take a chicken into the theater, so he
goes around the corner, and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He 
returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. 

Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so
the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch
the movie. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is
horrified. She elbows her friend Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man
over here has just unzipped his pants!"

Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, 
you've seen them all."

Agnes says, "I KNOW...but this one's eating my POPCORN!!"

*****************************************


Q: What's the difference between Kathy Lee Gifford and shooting arrows at
lovers?

A: Shooting arrows at lovers is a Cupid stunt.


An obviously underage boy goes into a bar, climbs up onto a stool, and
calls the barmaid. "Can I help you little boy?", she asks. "I'd like a
double shot of Jack Daniels," he replies. She exclaims,"What do you want
to do, get me into trouble?" "Sounds good to me," he answers, "but how
"bout the drink first?" 


A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving
up beside her, he shouts out the window: "Pull over!"

"No," she shouts back, ... " a pair of socks!" 
******************* 

REJECTION FORM LETTER:

Dear (her name) or babe,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably
aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of
well-qualified canditates such as yourself also failed to make the final
cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come
available or I become extremely horny.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors,
please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified
from the competition:

(Check those that apply)

___ Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another band
prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements.

___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay
for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic
economics.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the
truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this
position.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___ The only question you asked was how much money I make.

___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside
after I opened the passenger side door for you.

___ My breasts are bigger than yours.

___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should,
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit
your application.

___ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's
this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the
alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far
too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to
heterosexuality.

___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend
to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows
compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.

___ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance
to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom
during our sexual encounters so it would be "just like" your college days
seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

Your Name (Optional)


Stop Software Mistreatment!

People for the Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that
more software companies have been added to the groups "watch list" of
companies that regularly practice software testing.

"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that
companies like these can market new products," said Ken Grandola, a
spokesman for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products are
available."

According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthy and
arduous test - often without rest - for hours or days at a time. Employees
are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary and inside
sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software.

"It's no joke," Grandola said. "Innocent programs, from the day they are
compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end. They
spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and they are
unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore."

Grandola said that the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is
infested with bugs.

"We know alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry
giant Microsoft Corp. as a company that has become successful without
resorting to software testing.

******************

Q) How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A) It's not hard.

*****************************************


Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

*******************

Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers:

Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95. 

Fetch command not available on all platforms. 

Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side. 

Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit. 

Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail." 

Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating. 

Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing
www.pethouse.com instead of working. 

Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee. 

Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver. 

Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging. 

Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable
Thumb. 

Three words: Carpaw Tunnel Syndrome 

Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software. 

SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test. 

SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question! 

Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever. 

Annoyed by lack of newsgroup - alt.pictures.master's.leg. 

Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms. 

TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. 


I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract
hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day. Seems a water-
garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to be
delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup
truck's bed. They'll pay in food, which is exactly what the cat likes
best!

For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous home-
baked casserole with a crust of middle-eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm!

That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.
(By Jake Katz)

******************

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip
to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his
disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the
American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his
experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded.
"Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang,
.... 'Jose, can you see?'"

*****************************************


TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE!

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here."
"Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife."
"So you're single."

I've been married for 49 years.
Where have I failed?

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times
a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food...
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

My wife will buy anything marked down.
Last year she bought an escalator.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three
stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker.
Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"
So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's.
I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street.
The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?"
My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the
carburetor.
I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight,
but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
"No, jump in!"

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia.
It has a hood under the hood.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive.
Last week she learned how to aim it.

I came home, the car was in the dining room.
"How did you get the car in here?"
"Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."


Bill of No Rights

The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb
County, GA.

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help
everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more
riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the
blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great
grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some
common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional
and other liberal, bed wetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were
confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of
No Rights.

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any
other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them,
but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country
is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you!

You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion,
etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick
a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the
tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans
are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in
need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after
generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than
the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. 

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be
nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in
health care. 

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. 
If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be
surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If
you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens,
don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a
place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a
life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk
their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate
oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to
fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world
and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every
little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of
you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we
expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and
vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. 

ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means
that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot
easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created
by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights

******************

With his marriage on the rocks, have you heard that Bill Clinton no
longer uses a condom when he has sex?

He uses Socks.

*****************************************


'Twas the night before crisis,
And behind White House doors,
Not a creature was stirring,
Especially Al Gore.

The interns were nestled,
Dressed in their berets,
In hopes that Saint Bubba
Would come out to play.

When on the East Lawn,
There arose such a clatter,
Even Sam Donaldson
Lost control of his bladder.

Away to our TVs
We flew like a flash,
There's a special report,
And it's pre-empting M*A*S*H!

And what to our wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a homely lil' troll,
With tapes for us to hear.

With a K-Mart bought blazer,
And a bad frizzy 'do,
And a tale to be told-
To me, and to you.

On the chair! On the carpet!
On the Oval Office desk!
With a chubby young intern,
Who was all eyes and chest.

The Pres had been careless,
Indeed, dumb and dumber.
Now the whole world knew
Bubba Had gotten a hummer.

And Monica Lewinsky
Emerged from the rubble,
If she'd just kept her mouth shut,
We'd not have all this trouble.

And thus set in motion,
A whole web o' spiders,
With pundits galore,
And "White House insiders.

You ask, "Who would care
About Bill and his penis?"
Republican Ken Starr,
And he's armed with subpoenas!

More rapid than eagles,
Process servers, they flew!
"Here's one for you!
And for you! And you, too!"

"Now Jordan! Now Cockell!
Is there anyone else?!?
Let's subpoena the lawyers!
And Bubba himself!!"

"We want you to tell us
About Bill's private life,
And anyone he sleeps with,
'cept, of course, his wife."

And many months later,
After long we've all suffered,
Let's examine more closely
Just what Starr's uncovered.

We've learned "Little Bill"
Has a mind of his own,
And - horror of horrors -
He likes to get blown!

A funny fact surfaced,
After 40 million bucks:
Seems most people don't care
Just who Clinton, er, makes love to.

The economy's great,
And shows no signs of slowing.
Hell, we hope Ms. Lewinsky
NEVER stops blowing!

Now the public's grown weary.
Will this sleaze never end?
We just want to get back
To "E.R.", and to "Friends."

Now Monica, Linda-
And Ken Starr, you suck -
Get the hell off my TV,
Your 15 minutes are up.


If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race,
you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your
butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't, you're an insensitive clod.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.

If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.

If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.

If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.

If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

*******************

A woman goes to the dentist. She sits in the chair and he leans over to
begin working on her. She grabs him by the testicles.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes, And we're going to be careful not to hurt each
other, aren't we."

*****************************************


Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't
you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool,
nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.


*******************

Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state
trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick,
the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head
with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over, you'll
have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives
the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps
on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper
smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, I
wish that mother fucker would've tried that shit with me."


Here is a look at how shrewd American business people translate their
slogans into foreign languages. The process could use some Process
Improvement... 

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in Leather,"
it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked." 

Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as
"Suffer From Diarrhea." 

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a
tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a
sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate." 

When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were
chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is "f," which in
German is the guttural equivalent of"sexual penetration." 

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product,
only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. 

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No Va"
means "It Does Not Go" in Spanish. 

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they
translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally.
The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from
the Grave." 

When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something
that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that
the characters used meant "Bite The Wax Tadpole." They later changed to a
set of characters that mean "Happiness In The Mouth." 

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as here in the USA--with the cute baby on the label. Later they
found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of
what is inside since most people can not read. 

******************

Apparently the Democrats have bred a new variety of turkey for
Thanksgiving.

It's got two left wings and two left legs and goes round in circles until
it stuffs itself!

*****************************************


Q: What do you call 100 cows masturbating?
A: Beef strokin off.

*******************

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He
lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathers
around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman
checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any
kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old man dressed shabbily and of
at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a
Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St.
Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm
listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to
this man."

The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to
where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured
man and says slowly in a solemn voice:

"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."


FALL EVENING CLASSES - 1998
ENROLL TODAY - 

SELF IMPROVEMENT

1100 Creative Suffering
1101 Overcoming Peace of Mind
1102 You & Your Birthmark
1103 Guilt Without Sex
1104 The Primal Shrug
1105 Ego Gratification Through Violence
1106 Molding Your Child's Behavior Through Fear
1107 Dealing With Post-Realization Depression
1108 Whine Your Way to Alienation
1109 How to Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretence & Ostentation
1110 Body Language for Epileptics
1111 Catholics Women's Guide to Orgasm

BUSINESS & CAREER

0001 I Made $100 in Real Estate
0002 Money Can Make You Rich
0003 Packaging & Selling Your Child
0004 Career Opportunities In El Salvador
0005 How to Profit from Your Own Body
0006 The Under-Achievers Guide to Very Small Business
0007 Tax Shelters for the Indigent
0008 Looter's Guide to European Cities
0009 How to Land a Job in Algeria
0010 1001 Methods of Blackmail

HOME ECONOMICS

401 Cultivating Viruses in Your Refrigerator
402 Burglar-Proof Your Home with Concrete
403 Sinus Drainage at Home
404 Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
405 Teach Your Goldfish Buddhism
406 Christianity and the art of TV Maintenance
407 How to Convert a Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy

HEALTH & FITNESS

1202 Creative Tooth Decay
1203 Exercise & Acne
1204 The Joys of Hypochondria
1205 High Fiber Sex
1206 Suicide & Your Health
1207 Skate Your Way to Regularity
1208 Biofeed & How to Stop
1209 Understanding Nudity
1210 Tap Dance Your Way to Ridicule
1211 Optional Body Functions
1212 Leprosy & Pole Vaulting- How to Avoid it
1213 Elective Surgery in the Home
1214 Over 26 - How to Tell an Orgasm from a Heart Attack

CRAFTS

1011 Self Actualization Through Macram
1012 How to Draw Genitalia
1013 Weaving With Body Hair
1014 Cancelled
1015 Gifts for the Senile
1016 Bonsai Your Pet
1017 Rearranging Your Hate
1018 Masochism for the Over 40's
1019 Post-Coital Rug Making
1020 Creative Nail Clipping Arrangements

RELIGION

6660 Ritual Cookie Sacrifices
6661 Moonie Burial Rites
6662 Just Say Noah
6663 Matzoth Baking Without Perforations
6664 Advanced Hell Fire Fighting
6665 Rap & Heavy Metal Hymns
6667 Condensed Bible Study
6668 Satan and Satin
6669 ---Over Subscribed ---

*****************************************


Q: Why was the gay sergeant kicked out of the service?

A: He was found playing with his privates.

*******************

carpe diem
seize the day

carpet diem
seize the carpet

car payment diem
seize the checkbook

carpe diarrheam
seize the toilet paper

carpe duh
seize the idiot

carp diem
fish of the day

crampy diem
seize the Midol

carpe diet
seize the rice cakes

carpe dig'em
seize the Sugar Smacks

carpel diem
seize the knuckles

carnal diem
seize the smut

carpe cocoa
seize the chocolate


Rejected Motel 6 Slogans:

"We're working on that smell thing, too."

"Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car."

"As seen on 'COPS'"

"Not just for nooners anymore."

"We left off the 9, but you know it's what we mean..."

"You rented the room, now we'll sell you the video!"

"Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money
left over for a hooker."

"Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on
*your* salary, pal!"

"It's Hookerriffic!"


*******************

Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party emblem from a
donkey to a condom, because it stands up to inflation, protects a bunch of
pricks, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while
being screwed. 

*****************************************


Ed asked the farmer what he had in the bed of his truck.
The farmer replied, "That's manure to put on my strawberies."
Ed said, "You sure got weird taste. I put sugar on mine."

*******************

How to Determine if Your Car is Gay:

The first symptom of a gay car is a throbbing sensation in the rear end.
This is usually rectified by ensuring that the rear end is adequately
lubed. Be sure to check which grease viscosity is appropriate for your
particular application. In advanced cases the rear end actually starts to
loosen up or tear apart. This can lead to major driveability problems.

Another symptomis higher auto insurance rates resulting from your vehicle
being continuously rear-ended. Be sure to watch out for the pink Mary
Kay-mobiles as they tend to be involved in an inordinate number of
rear-end accidents.

If the pounding continues, it will ultimately destroy the vehicle. In many
cases it takes seven years or more before real wear and tear starts to
show, but then things really go downhill in a hurry. Why some cars are gay
is a question often pondered by automotive engineers. Some studies point
to manufacturing defects, although the specific defect(s) or combinations
thereof have not yet been identified. Others indicate that a car's
environment may be to blame. They feel that parking next to other gay cars
for extended periods in parking lots and ramps may adversely affect a car
with otherwise normal predispositions. 

I hope this helps, and please keep in mind that there are support groups
for gay cars that are having problems coming out of the garage.


It is near the end of the day. The teacher has turned in her grades.
There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is
nothing to do and it is near the end of the school year.

The teacher says to her class, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first
can go home early."

Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."
The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go."
Johnny was mad. Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream?'"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King."
The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go."
Johnny was even madder than before. Mary answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you..."
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy."
The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go."
Johnny was boiling mad. Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut."
The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"

*****************************************


>From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are the top ten
proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States Vs. William J.
Clinton:

10. If the dress ain't a mess, he won't need to confess
9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate
8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit
7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal
6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore
5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses
4. He cheats on his wife, but it's his personal life
3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof
2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy

And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane:

1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral

*******************

YOU KNOW YOU'RE ADDICTED TO ICQ IF:

You see psychedelic flowers when you close your eyes to go to sleep.

Before you have a conversation with someone, you kindly ask them if they'd
like to accept a chat request.

You consider sleeping your "N/A" mode.

You hear little voices in your head constantly saying "uh-oh".

You have over 500 buddies on your contact list.

You've had long conversations with all 500 of those buddies.

You begin to think names like "Tom" and "Jane" are strange, but names like
"Snakeman" and "Tigger" are common.

Your friend introduces you to a new person, and you immediately ask them
if you can add them to your "contact list".

Since downloading ICQ, you've learned to speak 7 new languages, including
Ukrainian and the dialect of a small native community in Peru.

To you, ICQ isn't just a program, it's a "gift to mankind".

Your idea of a "wild time" is inviting all of your online friends into one
giant chatroom.

The last time you signed off ICQ was during the George Bush administration.

Every time a new version or update of ICQ is released, you have your own
celebration party, complete with cake, party favours, and champagne.

Your dog leaves you due to lack of attention, despite your efforts to
appease him by giving him his own ICQ number.

Your one pride in life has become your immense contact list, and you ask
all your friends to send over their contacts to make it even bigger.

You name your first child "Mirabilis" and tell all your friends that it
was because you "liked how it sounded".

You have carefully allotted your time during work/school lunch breaks: 27
minutes to check and respond to ICQ messages, 3 minutes to eat.

Your spouse is insanely jealous of the computer and refers to it only as
your "sugar daddy".


Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a
long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about
their lives. Finally, Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new
apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit
us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the
apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with
your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left
elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall
until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your
right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me... what is all this business of kicking the front
door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left
elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

******************

Q: What do you call a farmer who cross dresses?
A: A Dairy Queen.

*****************************************


Read the following words out loud fast: 
Eye We Todd Did. 
Repeat as necessary until you get it.

and now try this one 
I'm Sofa Kingdom
Repeat as necessary until you get it


*******************

Rejected Hallmark Cards:

1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.

2. My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry

3. You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

4. You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

5. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

6. Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me

7. Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive
Don't you regret installing
Windows 95?

8. You totaled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
that case of Bud Dry?


The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in
family court. 

Momma and Poppa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who
hewas going to live with. 

So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about
living with either of his parents. 

When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No,
I can't live with Poppa bear, he beats me terribly." 

"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?" 

"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Poppa bear does." 

The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do.
"Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would
like to stay with?" asked the judge. 

"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago." 

You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge. 

"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody." 

*******************

A woman strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the
counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" 

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell
me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?"

*****************************************


A reporter was interviewing an old Scandinavian fighter pilot, asking him
how it was in the war. 

"Vell," said the old guy, "vee used to fly up dere and dogfight dem
Krauts. Ya, vee used to shoot dem German fokkers outta da sky."

"For the benefit of our viewers," interrupted the reporter, "we should
explain that the term 'fokker' refers to a specific type of German fighter
plane."

"Vell .ya," said the old Scandianvian pilot, "but those fokkers were
Messerschmitt's."

*******************

A mortician and his assistant were starting work one day. The mortician
told his assistant to start on a certain body. The assistant when over to
the body and went through his routine: he started checking all the
crevasses on the body and found a cork in his asshole. When he pulled the
cork out...

"I've got friends in low places..."

He put the cork back in and called the mortician over and asked his if he
could check this problem. The assistant pulled the cork out again and...

"where the whiskey drowns my..."

The assistant asks the mortician if has ever heard any thing like this.
The mortician says "Yeah, any asshole can sing country music."


The Rev John Fuzz
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a
little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street
and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation
sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.

The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member
of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door
of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a
member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs.Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
forth.The reverend realized that she had had to much to drink and he
grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few
seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her
skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we
won't have any of that carrying on in this bar!" The reverend looked up at
the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded, "Hell then, if you're that far in you might as well
finish up."

*******************

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

*****************************************


If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.

*******************

Stan Kegal sends:

A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own 
business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current 
occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.

His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a
great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the
birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used.
He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the
feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical
people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers.
The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very
happy. There was one small problem. The workers making the colored
feathers were becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a
number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.

It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a 
severe case of ... "dye a rhea". (By M. Giles)


"...and that reminds me of the long story about the guy who became ... 
the biggest lamb dyer in Texas." (By Asa Sparks)


WELCOME TO THE ROAD KILL CAFE

YOU KILL IT, WE GRILL IT!
** Center Line Bovine **
Tastes Real Good, Straight From The Hood (with cheese, add .50)
............. $ 5.99

** The Chicken That Didn't Cross The Road **
What A Dumb Cluck (includes soup and salad)
............. $ 3.49

** Flat Cat **
served as a single or in a stack
Single Flat Cat............. $ 1.99
Double Flat Cat............. $ 2.79
Flat Cat Stack............. $ 4.99
Flat Cat Family Pack (with kittens)............. $ 9.00

A TASTE OF THE WILD SIDE - STILL IN THE HIDE
** Chunk Of Skunk **
Smells REAL good! (Basted in Tomato Sauce)
............. $ 7.49

** Smidgen Of Pigeon **
Tastes so good, you'll coo for more (includes salad & French bread)
............. $ 3.49

** Road Toad Ala Mode **
Jump into this dish, & you'll croak for more (ice cream flavors
chocolate,
vanilla, or strawberry)
............. $ 2.99

** Shake N' Bake Snake **
Long and crunchy, with 12 secret spices (extra long snake, add $ 1.29)
............. $ 3.99

** Swirl Of Squirrel **
You'll go nuts for our squirrel (includes salad & peanut brittle
desert)
............. $ 2.49

** Whippoorwill On A Grill **
This one will tickle your fancy (includes sunflower & sesame seed roll
with
salad)
............. $ 2.79

** Rigor Mortis Tortoise **
Slowly aged to perfection (includes turtle soup & dumplings)
............. $ 7.99

EATING FOOD IS MORE FUN WHEN YOU KNOW IT WAS HIT ON THE RUN!
** Canine Cuisine **
You'll eat like a hog when you taste our dog.
Slab of Lab............. $ 1.99
Pit Bull Pot Pie............. $ .99
Cocker Cutlets (best of show)............. $ 4.99
Sharpei Fillet ...................... $ 2.99
Poodles N' Noodles (w/French fries) . $ 3.79
Snippet of Whippet .................. $ 2.69
Collie Hit by a Trolley (Toonerville)............. $ 3.89
BBQ Beagle............. $ 2.79
German Shepard Pie (with sauerkraut)............. $ 3.99
Fire Broiled Dalmatian............. $ 1.01
Trampled Sheep Dog (too Baaaad)............. $ 3.29

** A Disney Classic: Thumper Ala Bumper **
Tender & juicy with lots of meat on the foot (side order of Bambi
Venison $2.49 extra)
............. $ 9.49

LATE NIGHT DELIGHTS!! SERVED FRESH EACH NIGHT AFTER DARK
** Rack Of Raccoon **
White meat, dark meat, white meat, dark meat (includes salad, & free
Daniel Boone soft drink mug) ............. $ 5.99

** Awesome Possum **
Jed Clampet's Family Recipe can't be beat! (includes Possum Tail soup
& Possum Pie desert!) ............. $ 7.99

** Smear Of Deer **
You'll eat Bambi's heart out and love it! (includes soup, baked potato
with venison gravy) ............. $ 8.99

** Texas Speed Bump **
Try our Armadillo, tenderized by Goodyear! (includes Texas Armadillo
meatball soup n' salad) ............. $ 5.69

ROADKILL CAFE MENU CHALLENGERS
** Guess That Mess! **
A daily special treat - if you can guess it, you eat it for free!
.............. $ 9.99

** Bag N' Gag **
Our daily take-out lunch special, anything dead, in bread
............. $ 2.49

*****************************************


Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!"
Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi- syllable
word?" Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate." Teacher smiles and says "Wow,
little Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're
thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a hand-job." 

******************* 

The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening as
they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow
said,
"Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have any special
fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"

"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish
-
but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."


Epitaphs from Real Tombstones:

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has
many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.

Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona 
in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery
in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.

In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.

On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that
sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.

Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.

On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a 
consumer tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.


******************

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."

A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

*****************************************

Q. What happens at the begining of an orgy?
A. Everyone chews a partner.

*******************

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew
what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if
they knew the correct sound. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Cindie put her hand up and said, "Moooo!" "Very good," replied the teacher.
"What sound do sheep make?" "Baaaa," answered Jimmy. Then she asked, "What
sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class went up. She was
surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the
class.

He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall
mutha-fucka!!" 


An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples
are pretty interesting...

Dormitory == Dirty Room

Desperation == A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code == Here Come Dots

Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity == Is No Amity

Mother-in-law == Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness == Genuine Class

Semolina == Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one

Contradiction == Accord not in it

*******************

And Moses looked upon the lord and said:
We are your chosen people...
and you want us to cut the tips off our
WHAT?!

*****************************************


Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked, "How much is 2x3?" I said "6"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me, How much is 3x2?"
"What's the fucking difference?"
"That's exactly what I said!" 

*******************

Two fellows are walking around town. One has a terrible stutter. He taps
his friend on the shoulder and begins to exclaim "L-l-l-look-k-k over
t-t-th-th-th-th-there!" 

His friend looks toward where the stutterer was gesturing, and asks "What
is it? What is it?" 

"Th-th-th-th-there was a p-p-p-p-pr-pr-pretty girl!"

"Where? Where? Where is she?"

"A-a-a-a-a-aw, you m-m-mi-m-mi-missed h-h-h-her!"

"Damn!" 

A few minutes later the first fellow nudges his friend again, and starts
to exclaim "H-h-h-h-h-hey hey hey hey hey l-l-l-l-l-l-look! H-h-hey
llll-l-l-l-look! O-o-o-o-o-o-o-v-v-v-ov-ov-ov-over th-th-th-there!
L-l-l-l-l-look!"

"What is it? What is it?

"H-h-h-hey, th-th-there w-w-w-w-was an-anoth-another pretty g-g-g-girl!"

"Where? Where is she? Where you lookin?"

"N-n-n-n-n-ev-ev-ever m-m-m-mind, y-y-y-you m-m-mi-missed h-h-her!"

"Damn!" 

They travelled a few more blocks. Then the stutterer started up:
"H-h-h-h-hey hey hey". His companion was tired of searching the landscape
long after the interesting view had disappeared, so he tiredly exclaimed
"I seen it. I seen it."

The stutterer asked: "W-w-w-w-well if y-y-y-you s-s-s-s-s-s-seen it,
th-th-then w-wh-w-why d-d-d-d-did you s-s-s-s-s-s-s-step in it?" 


Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep."

"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They
pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks
down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple
football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait.
Nothing. They look at each other in amazement.

One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the
weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss
THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise." The two drag the heavy tie
over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. 

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind.
It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as
it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...Then, out of the
woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two
guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy
and just jumped into this hole!" 

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was
chained to a railroad tie."

*******************

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There's tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.

*****************************************


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down
for the night, Holmes said, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what
you see."

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"And what does that tell you?"

"Astronomically," Watson replied, "it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me
that God and His Universe are infinite. Meteorologically, it tells me that
we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

"Somebody stole our tent."

*******************

Giedo Van pellicom Sends:

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing
with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train
stop and her son said, "All of you mutha-fuckas who want to get off,
get the hell off now cause this is the last stop! And all you mutha-
fuckas who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the
train now cause we're going down the tracks!"

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use
that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay
there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play
with your train, but only if you use nice language".

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed
playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard
her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train please
remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for
riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope
you will ride with us again soon".

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding,
we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. 
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have
a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

The mother could only smile thinking her son had learned his lesson.
But then the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off
about the TWO HOUR delay, see the bitch in the kitchen."


Animal Quickies:

Why do mice have small balls?
Not that many know how to dance.

What do they say about sex with sheep?
It's best from the baaaaaaaaaaaaack!

What sound does a Horny Toad make?
RUB IT, RUB IT..

What do you call a virgin sheep in Montana?
Fast.

What do you call a sheep that does housework?
A threat to women everywhere.

Aberdeen, Scotland: Where the men are men and the sheep are terrified.

Montana: Where women are scarce and the sheep are frightened.

Montana: Where men are men, and the sheep are dirty lying tramps.

What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck?
A duck filled fatty puss.

What goes peck, peck, peck, boom?
A chicken in a mine field.

What did the man say when the steamroller ran over his cat?
Nothing. He just stood there with a long puss.

What did the doe say as she came running out of the brush?
That's the LAST time I do THAT for two bucks!

Why did elephants quit using sheep as tampons?
Toxic flock syndrome

How can you tell which end is which on a worm?
Put it in a bowl of flour and wait 'til it farts!

How do you teach a dog to fetch?
Tie a cat to a stick.

Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach?
To keep his nuts warm

What is invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts.

How do you tell the difference between a cow and a bull?
Milk them both. The one that smiles is the bull.

What disease can you get from kissing birds?
Chirpes! (A canareal disease, but it's untweetable.)

*******************

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

*****************************************


THE BARNEY SONG
I love him. He loves me.
Barney gave me H.I.V.
With his foot long, purple dong,
And one big green nut,
Barney wants to pork your butt.

*******************
Random Insults...Just Copy & Paste *eg*

You sickening apology for clammy toad tumours.
You illiterate vat of septic spittoon spillage.
You unbelievable mass of laughable dirty underwear.
You superficial truckload of old swamp mud.
You crooked bag of rotten parrot droppings.
You pustulent mass of synthetic buffalo excrement.
You embarrassing assortment of gruesome slime-mould.
You drivelly collection of sloppy turkey puke.
You shameless loaf of clammy Mersey trout.
You pathetic clump of stale leprosy scabs.
You god-awful toilet-full of mealy rabbit raisins.
You crotchety blob of fermenting lark's vomit.
You uncouth stack of foul dog phlegm.
You erratic clump of polluted camel manure.


An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the
Spokane Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, asked, "By
the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been
there ever since I arrived." 

"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is
built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow
the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known
as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92
and can remember the slightest detail of his life." 

The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab
decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "'ello, mate!" said the
Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for
breakfast on your 21st birthday?" 

"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and
indeed the Aussie was impressed. 

He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east
coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-me Not's great
memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate
greeting for an Indian chief than "ello mate.') 

On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later was surprised to
see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied
with whittling away on a stick. 

"How?" said the Aussie. 

"Scrambled," said the Chief.

******************

Definitions from the College Dictionary

Cafeteria: From 2 Latin words, "cafe" meaning place to eat and "teria"
meaning to wretch. 

Major: Area of study that no longer interest you 

Student Athlete: See "contraction in terms" 

Grade: Unrealistic and limited measure of academic accomplishment 

Summer School: A viable alternative to a summer job. 

Quarter: The most coveted form of currency on campus. 

Hunger: Condition produced by five minutes of continuous studying. 

*****************************************


A guy is walking along the street when he sees a crowd of people running
towards him. He stops one of the runners and asks "What's happening?"
"A lion has escaped form the zoo!" is the reply
"Oh my God! Which way is it heading" says the guy
"Well you don't think we're chasing it do you?"

*******************

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger
had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out
of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at
the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." 

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. 

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. 

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his
mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey motioned "Screwing."

"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

"Yes." 

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing
before they wrecked."

"Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.



A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years. Then one day
he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the horizon. He
frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down shouting, until he spies
a rowboat being let down into the water from the ship. About ten minutes
later, the rowboat reaches the shore carrying a man in a captain's uniform.

"Thank Christ for that!" says our shipwrecked hero, "I thought I was never
going to be rescued."

"How long have you been here?" asks the Captain.

"Ten years, ten long years." replies the man.

"Ten years?" says the Captain, "how have you coped all that time on your
own?"

"Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house; there
itmis, over there, Number 1!"

"But ten years!" says the Captain, "ten years without sex!"

"Ah well, that's not quite true" says the man shyly.

"What do you mean?" inquires the Captain.

"Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore washing my feet,
when I noticed an ostrich up the beach with it's head buried in the sand
and it's arse facing me. Well, I thought it's been nine and a half years,
so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!"

"Ugh God, that must have been disgusting!" cries the genuinely shocked
Captain.

"Well, it was alright for the first five miles, but then we got out of
step."

*******************

Crazy Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck
inside of her.

"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform
a very long and delicate operation."

"I don't think I can afford that." said Sally. "Could you just replace the
batteries?"

*****************************************


This guy went to see his doctor and was diagnosed as having a tapeworm.
"They're not easy to get rid of, but we'll give it our best shot, "the
doctor told him, and instructed him to come in every day for two weeks,
and to bring a lemon cookie and a hard-boiled egg. 

The guy agreed, and showed up the next morning with the two items. To his
horror, the doctor shoved the hard-boiled egg up his asshole, followed it
with the crumbled-up cookie, and sent him home. This went on for twelve
more days, at which point the doctor's instructions were to forget the
cookie and bring in the egg and a hammer.

On the last day the fellow dropped his pants in considerable apprehension,
gritting his teeth as the doctor inserted the egg up his ass and calmly
sat back. A few minutes later the tapeworm stuck his head out and said,
"Where in the hell is my lemon cookie?"

*******************

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked
lawyer? 
A: Chelsea Clinton.


Barbies We'd Like to See:

Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and
comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

Bite-the Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera,
detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself
in the Outback.

Blue-Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail,
UAW membership, pamphlet on union organizing and pay scales for women as
compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased
separately for Barbies holding dow n two jobs in order to make ends meet.

Homegirl Barbie: A Truly fly Barbie in midriff-baring shirt and baggy
jeans. Complete with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories and plenty of
attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't THINK so!" "Dang, get
outta my face" and "you GO girl!" Teache s girls not to take any crap from
men and condescending White people.

Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe

Robotic Barbie: Hey kids! Experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking
machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these
spike heels anyway!"

Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a
real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness
is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls,
Bucket-O'-Fried-Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut coffee ring, a brick of
Sealtest Ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the
Weak Don't Eat" and, of course, an appetite.

Melrose Place Barbie: Comes with her own Barbie Dream Apartment, where
Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include
a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders
important tips like what conditioner to use on the Plains, and how to take
care of one's nails while shoeing a horse.

America's Most-Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crimes
against feminism!

Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and she actually speaks! Hold your
very own talk show with topics like how tough math class really is,
Ballerina barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.

My So-called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as teens who
don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, ponies and boyfriends.

Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American Dream is explored with this
doll, which shows what happens after Barbie graduated from high school,
married too young and ate too much.

Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set
(she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously
disappear.

*******************

It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

*****************************************

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a throw on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

*******************

One day the seven dwarfs were coming home after a hard days work.
As they approach the house, they hear some sounds coming from 
the garden. Their curiousity aroused, they stand on each others 
shoulders until finally one of them can see over the garden wall.

The dwarf at the top, sees snowwhite and the prince sitting and 
talking in the garden. He says to the dwarf who`s shoulder he is 
standing on, "Snow White is with the Prince"

This in turn gets passed down, dwarf to dwarf, "Snow White is with 
the Prince"

"Snow White is with the Prince"
"Snow White is with the Prince"
"Snow White is....." (and so on) until it has reached all the dwarfs.

Then the dwarf at the top says:

"They`re Kissing"
Again the chain starts:
"They`re Kissing"
"They`re Kissing"
"They`re Kissing"
"They`re ......."

"He`s taking off her clothes"
"He`s taking off her clothes"
"He`s taking off her clothes"
"He`s taking off............"

"They`re both nude now"
"They`re both nude now"
"They`re both nude now"
"They`re both........."

"He`s about to enter her"
"He`s about to enter her"
"He`s about to enter her"
"He`s about to.........."

At this point Snow White hears a sound near the wall, and so she 
gets up to investigate.

The dwarf at the top sees this and says:

"She`s Coming"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"
"So am I"


There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured
by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they would live
only if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the
forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up
your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be killed and eaten.

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so
he was killed and went to heaven.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits, which were
berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself
that this should be easy. 1... 2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth
berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why
did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming
with pineapples."

*******************

Q: How can you tell the difference between a straight rodeo
and a gay rodeo?
A: At a straight rodeo they yell "Ride them suckers!"

*****************************************


The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them
jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the office-I
forgot to lock the safe!"

"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."

*******************

Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The first man
finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his
hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he
finished. He turned to the other two men and commented: I graduated from
the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean.

The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his
fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: I graduated from the
University of California and they taught us to be environmentally
conscious.

The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door said: I
graduated from the University of Wyoming and they taught us not to piss on
our hands.


Favorite things from the movie "The Sound of Music"
The Bill Clinton version:

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things
Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things
Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things
When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

How about another stanza or two----------------?

Buying elections with money from China,
Putting my hands on Lewinski's vagina,
Selling our secrets so Wong never sings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Taking my family and friends on vacation,
Disguised as state visits from nation to nation,
Great photo ops of the wall and Beijeng's,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the tapes run,
When I'm Tripped up,
And I'm feeling sad.
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

*****************************************


A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his
mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I
need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several
times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he
peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran
into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started
stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" 

*******************

I ran into my ex-boyfriend the other day,
then I backed up and ran into him again.
I miss him sometimes. 


Proper Icon Care:

Most contemporary icons are produced with great care and attention to
detail.However, being subjected to repeated clicking and constant
bombardment by cathode rays they tend to deteriorate over time.

In order to maintain their graphic integrity it is recommended that the
following procedure be followed at least once every six months:

1. Remove the icon from the monitor, being careful to handle it only by
the edges to avoid pixel damage.

2. Soak in a luke warm soapy solution for 5-10 minutes. Do not rub or
scrub or pixels may be shifted, resulting in serious disintegration of the
image.

3. Remove from bath and stand on edge to dry. Under no circumstance
attempt to dry dry with a rag or lens tissue and never subject to
blow-drying or permanent damage may result. If more than 5% of the pixels
have seen lost, replace icon with a new one.

4. Carefully replace cleaned icon in monitor, taking special care not to
touch the surface. Allow to set one hour before using.

If icons need to be exchanged from one computer to another they should be
transported only in specially prepared icon cases available at any
computer or electronic supply store.

Remember, icons are the heart and soul of the Windows environment and
should be treated accordingly.

*******************

If we are what we eat, them I'm easy, cheap and tasteless.

*****************************************


A man walks into a department store, and as he does, a perfume girl asks
him to try some perfume.

The man tries some and says, "Hey, that's not too bad, what's it called?"

The perfume lady says, "Come to Me"

The man smells it again and says, "Yeah? Well it doesn't smell like cum to
me!!"

*******************

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm;
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend;
Volta was electrified and Archimedes, buoyant at the thought;
Ampere was worried he wasn't up to current research;
Ohm resisted the idea at first;
Boyle said he was under too much pressure;
Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience;
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam;
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco;
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight;
Dr Jekyll declined - he hadn't been feeling himself lately;
Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now- must dash"

*******************

At Sunday school, the teacher asked little Johnny, "Do you know where
little boys and girls go when they do bad things?" "Sure," little Johnny
replied. "They go out in back of the church yard."


Two drunks, Chuck and Manny, wake up one morning. Manny says, "How the
hell are we gonna get drunk today? All I've got is forty cents."
Chuck says, "Gimme the money, I've got an idea." He goes into a deli,
comes out with a hot dog and says, "Come on. Let's go to the bar."

When they get to the bar, Chuck pulls down Manny's zipper, sticks in the
hot dog, and pulls the zipper up tight enough to hold it. Then he says,
"Follow me," and they walk into the bar.
He orders two Rum & Cokes, and they drink them down. When the bartender
says, "Pay up," Chuck drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot
dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here, you homos!"

Fifteen bars, they do the same routine. They're bombed. Chuck says,
"Listen, it was a great idea I had, we got bombed on forty cents, but we
gotta stop. Every time I drop to my knees I smash 'em on the floor. I
can't take it anymore."

Manny says, "YOU can't take it anymore? We lost the hot dog after the
fourth bar."

*******************

The Perfect Man: 

Mr. Potato Head...
He's tan. He's cute. And if he looks at
another girl, you can rearrange his face.

*****************************************

There was a sheriff looking for a deputy so a Redneck went in to try out
for the job.
"OK," the sheriff said, "what is 1+1?" 
"11" the Redneck replied.
"What two days of the week start with the letter T?"
"Today and tomorrow."
"Now the last one. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The Redneck thought really hard and finally said, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that." the sheriff told him.
So the Redneck went home and his wife asked him how it went, and the
Redneck replied, "Great! He already put me on a murder case!"

*******************

A gay guy walks into the doctors office. He takes off his clothes for
examination.

When he takes his clothes off the doctor sees a nicoderm patch at the end
of his penis.

The doctor says.."Hmmm, thats interesting...Does it work?"

The man answers.."Sure does..I havent had a butt in 3 weeks!"

*******************

(three-minute time test).

1. Read everything before doing anything.
2. Put your name in the upper right-hand corner of this paper.
3. Circle the word "Name" in sentence two.
4. Draw five small squares in the upper left-hand corner of this
paper.
5. Put an X in each square.
6. Sign your name under the title of this paper.
7. After the title, write "Yes, yes, yes."
8. Put a circle around sentence seven.
9. Put an X in the lower left-hand corner of this paper.
10. Draw a triangle around the X you just put down.
11. On the back of this paper, multiply 703 by 66.
12. Draw a rectangle around the word "paper" in sentence four.
13. Loudly call out your first name when you get to this point in the
test.
14. If you think you have followed directions carefully to this point,
call out "I have."
15. On the reverse side of this paper, add 8950 and 9850.
16. Put a circle around your answer and put a square around the 
circle.
17. Count out in your normal speaking voice, from ten to one backward.
18. Punch three small holes in the top of this paper with your pencil.
19. If you are the first person to get this far, call out loudly, 
"I am the first person to this point, and I am the leader in 
following directions."
20. Underline all even numbers on the side of this page.
21. Put a square around every number written out on this test.
22. Say out loud, "I am nearly finished, I have followed directions."
23. Now that you have finished reading carefully, do only sentence
two. :p


Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness
to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring
and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl
sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all
things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity;
surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange
sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but
soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he
said, "I wonder if your would tell me about this," pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful! I was walking downtown last
fall and I found this little package. It said to put on your organ and
keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is
working; I haven't had a cold all winter.

*******************

There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon...
.. It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory. (Rodney Lee)

*****************************************

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madamn foots caught in the door.

*******************
Collective from Medical Interview Records Written by Various
Paramedics,Emergency Room Receptionists and Doctors at Major Hospitals:

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the
pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been consipated for most of her life until
1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran
out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who
is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los
Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in
no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.


14 SIGNS THAT YOU'RE BROKE
> 
> 1.American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
> 2.Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a
restaurant. > 3.You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. >
4.You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with
Abe > Lincoln. > 5.Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
> 6.You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis
shoes. > 7.You rob Peter...and then rob Paul. > 8.You finally clean
your house, hoping to find change. > 9.You think of a lottery ticket
as an investment. > 10.Your bologna has no first name. > 11.You give
blood everyday...just for the orange juice. > 12.Sally Struthers
sends you food. > 13.McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen
condiments. > 14.At communion you go back for seconds. >>


Only In America...

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry,
and a diet coke.

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
"blood-sucking creatures".


Windows 2000

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration
for the planned Windows 2000: 

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
game? 6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log
off." 8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN" 9. BREAKFAST.SYS
halted... Cereal port not responding. 10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert
cup in cup holder and press any key. 11. File not found. Should I fake
it? (Y/N) 12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 13.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 14. WinErr 16547:
LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) 15. User Error:
Replace user. 16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it?
(Y/N)" 17. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software
titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.


At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting
attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars
to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he
hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise
this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"I'm sorry, your Honor," the startled witness said, "I thought he was
talking to you."

*******************

Why is toilet paper like the Starship Enterprise?
Because it orbits Uranus while picking up Klingons.

*****************************************
*****************************************
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Enter the Free Cigar Contest!
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Our Cigar of the Month Club offers a half dozen great cigars, a
newsletter, and shipping to anywhere in the world all for about 20 bucks.

*****************************************
*****************************************

What do Monica and Lucille Ball have in common?
They've both been screwed by a Cuban.

**OK, OK...I'll try to refrain from now on, but ya gotta admit, that
sponsor ad up there is perfect. :p Hey, I don't have any adult
supervision, I can get away with this BS :p :p :p

*******************

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department
store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get
anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the
cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you
when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came
around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make
today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish
hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him
a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where
he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably
need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that
twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen
probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department
and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that
to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his
wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"


What's a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.


Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun. A mama cat and
her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, "Mama, I'm soooo
hungry, what can we eat?" To which the mama cat, spying the two birds,
replied, "How about some ... Baskin Robbins?"

Did you here about the guy the police found dead inside an Ice Cream 
Van? He was lying there stone cold dead, covered in whipped cream, 
strawberry sauce and sprinkles.... It was a Sunday.

Today Cardinal Mark McGwire drove through Vatican City, 
when he ran into a busload of the Sisters of St. Louis. 
... He hit sixty one Rome Nuns. (By Norm Gilbert)

*******************

Dolly Parton fell off the stage last night at the Grand Ol' Opry. 
It took four men, two abreast, to help her to her feet.

*****************************************


There's this guy playing golf with a priest. He comes to the first green,
and tries an easy putt. He goes for it and says :- "Oh fuck, I missed!"
The priest outraged by the bad language says "If you say that again, you
will be struck by lightning."

Next green, same thing happens - "Oh fuck, I missed!"
Priest says "One more chance, if you say that again, you will be struck by
lightning."

Next green, same thing happens - "Oh fuck, I missed!"
All of a sudden, the heavens open, and a bolt of lightning comes down, and
strikes the priest.

Then the guy hears a low rumbling noise coming from the clouds: "Oh fuck,
I missed!"


Packaging Instructions:

ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESSERT
Do not turn upside down.
(Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
Product will be hot after heating.

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
Do not Iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

ON NYTOL (A SLEEPING AID)
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
Warning: keep out of children.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON THE INSTRUCTIONAL MANUAL FOR A CANON CAMERA (circa 1966)
"Do not rattle playfully at the shutter button."

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
Not to be used for the other use.

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS
Warning: contains nuts.

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP
Directions: Use like regular soap.

ON A FROZEN DINNER AT HOME
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX
Fits one head.

ON A PACKET OF SUN-MAID RAISINS
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

ON A HAIRDRYER
Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS
You could be a winner!
No purchase necessary.
(Details inside.)

*******************

Cole's Law:
Thinly shredded cabbage.

*****************************************


Q. What's green and eats nuts?
A. Herpes

*******************

When Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, he had trouble selling it.
People just didn't trust this "new" way of making light. In order to
promote his idea he decided to go around the country installing lights in
different towns in order to drum up publicity.

While in Oklahoma, Edison stopped by an Indian reservation and offered to
put lights in any building they wanted. After much thought the Indian
chief decided that he wanted lights in his outhouse, so he could see what
he was doing at night. This made him the first man to wire a head for a
reservation! 


A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she 
puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car
in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well. 

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" 
"Yes it is," the man replies. 

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man 
replies. 

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist 
continues. 

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in. 

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. 

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to 
protect his hidden position. 

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears 
a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with 
her little boy. 

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies 
the man. 

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. 

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his 
disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is 
completed. 

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your 
ball and glove and we'll play some catch." 

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. 

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the 
profit in terms of lizards and candy. 

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. 

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church 
right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the 
father explains as he hauls the child away. 

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the 
curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?" 

"Don't you start that in here," the priest says. 

*******************

Do you know what an Australian kiss is? 
It's like a French kiss, but it's "down under".

*****************************************


What would you call a rag doll with a pebble in her mouth?
A cotton rock-sucker!

*******************

Nancy Farr sends:

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a
pet that can do everything. The owner says, "How about a dog?"
The man replies, "Come on, a dog can't do everything."

The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies: "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a
pet that can do everything!" 

The owner thinks for a minute. Then says: "I've got it! A centipede!" The
man says: "Centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything but,
ok... I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate.
All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away.
The countertops cleaned. The appliances sparkling. The floor waxed.
He's absolutely amazed. He tells the centipede, "Go clean the living
room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet
has been vacuumed. The furniture cleaned and dusted. The pillows
on the sofa plumped. Plants watered.

The man thinks to himself , "This is the most amazing thing I've ever
seen. This is a pet that can really do everything." He says to the
centipede, "Run down to the
corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door.

Ten minutes later... no centipede, 20 minutes later... no centipede, 30
minutes later... no centipede. The man is wondering what's going on.
The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.
45 minutes later... still no centipede. The man can't imagine what
could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over
by a car? Where is the centipede?

He goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting
right outside the door. The man says "Hey!!! I sent you 45 minutes ago to
run down to the
corner and just get me a newspaper. What's the story?!"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm puttin' on my shoes!"



Real Resume And Cover Letter Excepts
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and 
were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
Commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free To 
respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training
in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
store.
21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have
never quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get
to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those
conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

*****************************************


A quote from the infamous watergate scandal...

"Yes, the President should resign. He has lied to the American
people, time and time again, and betrayed their trust. He is no
longer an effective leader. Since he has admitted guilt, there is
no reason to put the American people through an impeachment. 
He will serve absolutely no purpose in finishing out his term; the
only possible solution is for the President to save some dignity and
resign."

(would you believe..... You guessed it....)

William Jefferson Clinton, 1974

*******************

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid 
of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had 
been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she 
needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near 
her age. 

She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male 
virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an 
Australian computer programmer. 

After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had 
indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their 
wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. 
When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the 
bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the 
room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I 
thought you had never been with a woman." 

He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a 
kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!



An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and
chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a
young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are
you a real cowboy?"

To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, 
herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am."
After a short while, he asked her what she was.

She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower,
watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out 
that I'm a lesbian."

*******************

A southern lady was sitting in New York airport. She turned to 
the two women sitting next to her and said "Where are y'all from?" 

The lady replied, "We are from where you don't end sentences 
with prepositions." 

The southern lady then responded "Oh, well, where y'all from, Bitch?"

*****************************************


The federal attorneys disclosed to the courts an unprecedented
fact-finding case mounted against the nation's President. Much of the
evidence was trivial compared to the notorious dress which Monica Lewinsky
wore that contemptuous evening. However, this wasn't the only
controversial evidence brought forth in this case. Another was Miss
Lewinsky's resume.

Among her stately OBJECTIVES, EDUCATION, and HOBBIES, Monica's EXPERIENCE
was quite impressive! It read - "Worked Presidential Balls".

*******************

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They
were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old
gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been 
married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting
here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked
as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get
naked?"

And they two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal!"


Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me father for I 
have sinned." 

"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"
"I had sex with a girl."

"Who was it, Tommy?"
"I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."

"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"
"No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was."

"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"
"No father, please forgive me for my sin."

"Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe."
"No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."

"Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and you will be
abolished of your sin."

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting. 
"What did ya get?" asked Joseph.

"Well I got 5 hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."


*******************

If you are an American when you go into the bathroom, and you're an
American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you are IN
the bathroom?

European.
                       
*****************************************


Q:  What do you get when you cross Lee Iaccoca with a vampire?
A:  autoexec.bat
                     
*******************

 A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the
 punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to
 select his first punishment.
 
 First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The
 new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next
 room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.
 
 The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an
 really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a
 gorgeous blonde.
 
 The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.
 
 The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder
 and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".


Life's Lessons

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in
more places.

Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you
from enjoying it.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size
bucket.

When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public
restroom.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to
blame it on.

A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Saturday with a
television on the blink.

The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing
to let them.

Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards, money orders, and
travelers checks.

Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.

A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.

A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out
acting like teenagers.

If you don't know where you're going, you're never lost.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
                       
*****************************************


The seven-year old told her mom, that a little boy in her class asked her
to play doctor.

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed.  "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait an hour and 45 minutes and then double-billed
the insurance company."
                     
*******************

A guy is sitting at the bar drinking to drown his sorrows. A beautiful
woman sits down next to him, orders a double, and sighs deeply. He turns
to her and asks her, "So what's wrong in your life?" 

She hardly glances at him and says, "My husband left me today." He says,
"What a coincidence. My wife left me today." 

They keep drinking for a few minutes and then he asks her, "So why did he
leave you?" She looks at him and says, "He said he couldn't stand living
with me anymore." He says, "What a coincidence! My wife said she couldn't
stand living with me anymore, too."

They drink some more and then he asks her, "So what couldn't he stand
about living with you?" She smiles at him a little and says, "Well, I like
really kinky sex and he didn't, so he left." The guy shakes his head in
disbelief and says, "This is incredible! I like really kinky sex and
that's why my wife left." They drink some more, exchanging sidelong
glances, and he finally says, "Well, seeing as we're both alone now, and
seeing as we both have similar interests..."

"Yes," she quickly says, "my apartment is right around the corner." So
they head over to her apartment. Once inside, she says, "I'm going to slip
into something a little more comfortable. I'll be right back." She goes
into her bedroom and gets undressed, then puts on a studded leather
collar, black lace crotchless panties, a leather bustier, fishnet
stockings and spike heels, the whole setup.

She comes out of the bedroom to find the guy heading out the door.

"Why are you leaving?" she asks him, "You just got here. I thought we were
going to have some kinky sex." 

He looks at her and shrugs, "Hey, I screwed your dog and shit in your
purse. I'm done."


Our story begins at the Olympics,
                               specifically the wrestling event. It is
                               narrowed down to the Russian or the
                               American for the gold medal. Before the
                               final match, the American wrestler's trainer
                               came to him and said, "Now don't forget all
                               the research we've done on this Russian.
                               He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has.
                               Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does,
                               you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to
                               the match: The American and the Russian circled each other
                               several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the
         Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel
         hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his
         hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending. 
         Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in
         time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and
         the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The
         trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did
         you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
         The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the
         last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought
         I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit
         those babies just as hard as I could. "You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite
         your own balls!"
         Brenton, London 

         Q: What is the difference between a snow-woman and a snowman?
         A: Snow Balls
         Craig Coombs, S. Wales 

         Did you hear about the two lesbian twins?
         They even lick alike.
         Russell Jones 

         They've just brought out a cigar shaped vibrator in the USA - It's called a bildo
         Mark 

         Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
         A: A padded headboard 

         An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are taken prisoner by a tribe of gun-toting
         Zulus, and are sentenced to death by firing squad. First, the Englishman is stood against
         the wall. the chief shouts "ready, aim..." and the Englishman shouts "VOLCANO!". the
         Zulus look around and he runs away. then the Scotsman is next- "ready, aim..."shouts the
         chief, "EARTHQUAKE!" shouts the Scotsman. the Zulus run inside and take cover while he
         runs away. now it's the turn of the Irishman. the chief shouts "ready, aim...." and the
         Irishman shouts "FIRE!"


Who says we're not getting too politically correct? 
Here are some excerpts from the Quarterly Review of Doublespeak: 

A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending 
doctor recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient 
failed to fulfill his wellness potential." 

Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the American 
Journal of Family Practice, fleas were called "hematophagous 
arthropod vectors." 

The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said 
that rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an 
explosive force upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed 
the accepted overpressure threshold of physiological damage for 
exposed personnel." In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster rocket
falls on someone, he or she is not likely to survive. 

A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed 
anti-personnel devices." You probably call them bombs. 

At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian 
mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." 
That is, they were fired. 

A personal ad from an unidentified newspaper announces that a 
"formerly single man" seeks a single or married woman. 

After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his 
twelve rolls of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," 
as Kodak likes to call it) only to receive the following notice: 
"We must report that during the handling of your twelve 35mm 
Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an unusual 
laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly 
nice touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; 
they just had a bad experience. Of course our reader can always 
go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using 
the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him. 

The description on the package of Stouffer's Veal Tortellini 
with Tomato Sauce says it contains "exquisite egg pasta." 
The list of ingredients, however, includes "cooked noodle 
product." 

In St. Louis there is an oriental rug store that advertises 
"semi-antique" rugs. 

The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring 
all students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to 
high school graduation. 

Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our 
society's recognition of the sanctity of human life." 

Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department 
of Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route 
markers." You probably call them road signs, but then you don't 
work in a government agency. 

It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's 
"chronologically experienced citizens." 

According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it 
was just a case of "uncontained blade liberation." 
                      
*****************************************


Three mice are sitting and drinking in a mouse bar.
The first mouse knocked back his drink and said, "I'm one bad 
mouse. Why when I want cheese I go find a trap and sit on the spring 
while I eat. I am one bad mouse."

The second mouse knocked back his drink and said, "I'm one bad 
mouse. Why I chop up D-Con with a razor blade and sniff it up my nose, 
just for the high it gives me. I am one bad mouse."

The third mouse knocked back his drink, got off his bar stool and 
headed for the door.
The first two mice asked, "Hey, where you going?"
The third mouse said, "Home, to screw the cat!"
                     
*******************

A lovely little girl is entering class for the first time when a friendly
little boy approaches her.  "My name's Ted," he says, "What's yours?"
"Happy Butt," the little girl replies.  

"I'm going to tell the teacher on you for lying!" the boy shouts. He goes
to the teacher and says that the little girl has lied to him about her
name.

"What is your name?" asks the teacher.  
"Happy Butt," says the little girl. 

"No, no," the teacher says.  "What is your real name?"  
"Happy Butt," the little girl insists.  

"Shame on you for lying," says the teacher. "You go straight to the 
principal's office right this minute!"

"Why are you here?" the principal asks.  
"They think I'm lying when I tell them my name is Happy Butt," the little
girl says.  

"Your name can't be Happy Butt," the principal says.  "I'm going to call
your mother and straighten this out.  You mustn't lie to us about your
name."  The principal calls the mother and says, "We have your little girl
here and she keeps telling us her name is 'Happy Butt.'"

"Oh," says the mother, "that must be Gladys."

"Little girl," the principal says, "your mother says your name is
Gladys."

The little girl says, "Happy Butt, Glad Ass, what's the difference?"


A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The 
man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other 
people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 
5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four 
months he ate bananas,drank coconut juice and longed for his old life 
and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the
corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman
he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where 
did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here 
when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many 
are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."
He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh, simple," replied
the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the
island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom
from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or
hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the
island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found
that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make
the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" 

Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the 
whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After 
a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the 
man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was 
a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and 
white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp 
rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I
call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?" "No, no thank
you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How 
about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, 
and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their 
stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something 
comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a 
razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There 
in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed 
to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel 
mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?" When he 
returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically 
positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him 
to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, 
slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. 
You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like 
doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. 

You know..." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was 
hearing. "You mean--?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
                       
*****************************************


The Top 10 Signs the Tech Support Person Has Gone Completely Nuts:
  
10. Asks every caller, "Do you know how long it's been since I've had a
     date?"    
 9. Attempts a mind meld with your Pentium chip.    
 8. Insists you stay on the phone until you've gone through all five stages
     of grief.    
 7. The answer to every question begins with the phrase,  "Technology is
     like a box of chocolates..."    
 6. Tells you to perform a "quick uninstall" by waving a big magnet over
     your hard disk.    
 5. Regardless of the question, says you "must find the magic emerald to
     kill the ogre and get to the next level."    
 4. Antivirus program consists of chicken soup and plenty of rest.  
 3. In response to every question, instructs you to "Please disrobe prior
     to the examination."    
 2. Takes credit for the Millennium Bug.      
 1. By following the laughter-stifled directions on installing RAM, you
     end up doing a perfect Macarena.


What do Monica Lewinsky and a Coke Machine have in common?
They both have a sign that says, "Insert Bill here, faceup."

What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
"Sat on the Presidential Staff"

Seems Bill wasted all that energy running for President.
He thought they said the "Oral" Office.

Why did Bill get into this problem?
He didn't know that her-ass(harass) was one word.

How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's
testimony?
"It wasn't words that I put in her mouth".

What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
Any girl that can run faster than the Governor.

Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

President Clinton has vehemently denied that he told former intern
Monica Lewinsky to lie. "What I actually said," claims the President,
"was to lie down."

What are the job requirements for secretaries at the White House? They
have to know the President's zip code.

What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?
 Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
They know how many went down on the Titanic.

What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer?
Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency!

There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon.
It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory.

What's Monica going to title her memories?
"How to suckseed in the Oval Office without really trying!"

Why can't they prosecute Bill Clinton?
Monica swallowed the evidence

Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks?
She's withholding evidence.

Whats the difference between Clinton and a screw driver?
A screw driver turns in screws and Clinton screws interns.

Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill?
Because she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face.

Jesus decided to go say hi to his old buddy St. Peter, so he strolled out
to the Pearly Gates and noticed a HUGE long line of people waiting to get
in. 

St. Peter saw Jesus coming and said "Oh, thank goodness someone showed up!
Listen, Jesus, there's a huge line of people out here, and I'm going crazy
trying to keep them all sorted out. Could you take over for a few minutes
so I can take a break? I'd be ever so grateful!" 

Jesus said that sure, it'd be fine with him to be in charge for a while,
but he really wasn't sure what kind of stuff he should check for. St.
Peter told him, "Hey, it's easy. A lot of them are already written down on
the invitation list. Just make small talk with them while you look for
their names. If they're not on the list, just tell them you're not the one
normally in charge, so if they wait a bit, I'll deal with them when I get
back." 

So St. Peter left for a while, and Jesus handled the line of people,
looking up their names and generally yakking it up with the folks waiting
to get in. Eventually the line got to this one little old man. Jesus
started talking to him, "So, what did you do for a living when you were
alive?" 

"I was a carpenter," the old man replied. 

Jesus's ears pricked up at that answer. "Ah," He said. "Did you have a
wife or any children?" 

"I had one son, but I lost him." 

Jesus started to suspect something was up with this little old man, and
decided to ask another question. "Ah, a terrible loss, my good man. Tell
me, what did he look like?" 

"Well," said the old man, "he looked just like any other boy, I guess,
except he had holes in his hands and his feet." 

Jesus grinned broadly, opened His arms wide and cried, "DAD!" 

The old man gasped. "PINOCCHIO!" 

*******************

Boomer sends:

What do you call 36 rednecks chasing a faggot?
NASCAR
                       
*****************************************

Nancy Farr sends:

The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress:
                    "Presidue"
                     
*******************

Kim Branagan sends:

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents tried everything:
tutors, flash cards, computer programs, special learning centers, and
anything else they could think of.  Finally, as a last ditch effort, they
sent him to parochial school.

After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on
his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello, instead, he went straight to
his room and started studying.  His mother was amazed. She called him down
to dinner and to her further amazement, the minute he is done he marches
right back to his room to study more.  This goes on for many weeks with
his mother pondering what made the big difference.

Report card day comes and Tommy brings his home and quietly lays it on the
table and goes to his room to study again.  His mother picks it up and
sees to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.  No longer able to
contain herself, she goes to his room and asks, "Son, what made the
difference?  Was it the prayers in school?  Was it the different books?
The uniforms? The structure?"  Little Tommy shook his head.  

WHAT was it, then?" she asks. 

"Well," Tommy replied, "on the first day of school, when I saw that guy
nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!"



PC Message Glossary
A somewhat improved glossary of your PC's messages
(By Kevin Pease)

It says:  "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says:  "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke.)
          Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.

It says:  "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error
          no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes,
          only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

It says:  "Installing program to C:\<Directory>...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into
          c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find
          them."

It says:  "Please insert disk 7"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 6 disks."

It says:  "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM,
          I want to use the bit below 640K."

It says:  "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "...however, if you put the CD in right side up..."

It says:  "Please Wait...."
It means: "...indefinitely."

It says:  "Directory does not exist...."
It means: "....any more. Woops."

It says:  "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting
          your work back."


The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin
Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to
challenge you to a round of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical
spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in
his hand before.
  
"Have we not," he asked, "a Cardinal who can represent me against the
leader of Israel?"

"None that plays golf very well," a Cardinal said.

"But, he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer
who is a devout Catholic.  We can offer to make him a Cardinal; then ask
him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative.  In
addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea.  The call was made.  Of course, Jack
Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.  The day after the match,
Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

"I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played
some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have
ever played, by far.  I must have been inspired from above.  My drives
were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting
was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"What's the bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed.  "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."
                       
*****************************************


The perfect man is gentle
he is never cruel or mean;
he has a beautiful smile
and keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children
and will raise them by your side;
he will be a good father
and a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking,
cleaning, and vacuuming too;
he'll do anything in his power
to convey his love for you.

The perfect man is sweet
writing poetry from your name;
he's a best friend to your mother
and kisses away your pain.

He never has made you cry
or battered you in any way...
to hell with this endless poem
the perfect man is gay.
                     
*******************

Nancy Farr strikes again:

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The
nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the
register for check-out.  The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom,
huh?"

The nine year old replies, "Nope, not for my mom."

Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your
sister then?"

The nine year old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious. "Oh! Not for your mom and not for your
sister, who are they for?"

The nine year old says, "They're for my four year old little brother."

The cashier is surprised. "Your four year old little brother?"

The nine year old explains, "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of
these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of
them!"


Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly
diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of
being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not
sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who actually
believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with
lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by
the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her
for use on their child pornography web site will get 6 fucking cents every
time you send me the letter. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is
going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How fucking
stupid are you?  Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a
wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog! What
a bunch of bullshit.  So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all
the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid
chain mail forwards.  Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come
into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain
which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by
midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000,
it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous
streak of blatant stupidity.  Fuck them.  If you're going to forward
something, at least send something mildly amusing. (Like the haha
letter...oops, who said that?) I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your
closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will
somehow receive a nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards about 90
times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about
what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are
it's your own unpopularity.

P.S. Please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends!
                       
*****************************************


My old boyfriend and I weren't compatible. 
I'm an Aries and he's an asshole.  :p
                     
*******************

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho
Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we
have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of
everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a
petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical
"dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since 

1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting; 
2. it is a major component in acid rain; 
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state; 
4. accidental inhalation can kill you; 
5. it contributes to erosion; 
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes; 
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients. 

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three
said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was
water.

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" 
The conclusion is obvious. 

 There was once a fly
 flying around this lake
 and it was getting
 thirsty and it thought if
 I could just drop down
 and get a drink in the
 lake was a bass fish and
 he saw the fly and he
 thought that if the fly
 drops down to get a drink
 he would catch that fly
 and have himself
 something to eat. On the
 other side of the lake
 was a bear and he saw the
 fly and he thought that
 when the fly drops down
 and the bass jumps up to
 catch the fly he would
 grab the bass and he
 would have something to
 eat. On the other side of
 the lake there was this
.hunter who saw the fly
 and the bass and the bear
 and he thought that when
 the fly drops down and
 the bass jumps up and the
 bear grabs the bass he
 would shoot the bear and
 get himself something to
 eat. Well behind the
 hunter there was a mouse
 and he thought When the
 fly drops down and the
 bass jumps up and the
 bear grabs the bass and
 the hunter shoots the
 bear he would get the
 hunters sandwich was
 sitting beside him. But
 Lord and behold behind
 the mouse hiding was a
 cat thought If the fly
 drops down and the bass
 jumps up and the bear
 gets the bass and the
 hunter shoots the bear
 and the mouse goes for
 the sandwitch he would
 get the mouse and he
 would have something good
 to eat. Well sure enough
 the fly dropped down and
 the bass jumped up and
 bear grabbed the bass and
 the hunter shot the bear
 and mouse took a bite of
 the sandwich and the cat
 jumped for the mouse and
 missed and fell in the
 lake. What's the moral of
 this story? When a fly
 drops down a pussy is
 going to get wet!!

Here is a story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University.
It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped
up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. 

The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me
Cakes and Ale. 

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old
Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and
pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin): 

"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale". 

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student
sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. 

Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a
sword to the examination. 

*******************

A motorist finds himself with a flat tire on a back road, late at night.
There's a fence. Someone is peering through it, not doing anything, just
watching. The motorist sees a sign in the headlights. He's parked next to a
mental institution. 

He takes the flat tire off, putting the five nuts in the hubcap. The
stranger watches. He pulls the spare out of the trunk. The stranger
watches. Motorist is getting nervous. What's a maniac doing out so late at
night? Why is he staring like that? Motorist rolls the tire around from the
back and steps on the rim of the hubcap, which flips all the nuts into the
tall weeds. Motorist goes after them. He finds one nut. 

The mental patient speaks. "Take a nut off each of the other tires. Put
them on the fourth wheel. Four nuts each. It'll get you to a gas station."
Motorist says, "That'll work." Then, "Hey, that's brilliant! What the hell
are you doing here?" 

Patient says, "I'm here for being crazy. Not stupid." 
                       
*****************************************


George was not having a good day on the golf course.  
After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked 
him what the problem was.

"It's the wife" said George.  " As you know, she's 
taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's 
cut my sex down to once a week".

"Well you should think yourself lucky" said his partner.  
"She's cut some of us out altogether!"
                     
*******************

Samuel Goldwyn, the movie producer who founded Goldwyn Productions and
Metro-Goldwyn-Meyer was known for his misuse of the English language. 

"An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."

"Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."

"In two words, impossible."

"Include me out"

"I don't care if it (his new picture) doesn't make a nickel. I just want
every man woman and child in America to see it."

When Goldwyn's secretary asked him if she should destroy files that were
more than ten years old, he answered, "Yes, but keep copies."

When told he couldn't film Radclyffe Hall's "The Well of Loneliness"
because it dealed with lesbians, he replies, "All right, where they got
lesbians, we'll use Austrians."

"I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never
wrong."

"Tell them (the actors) to stand closer apart."

"If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this
business."

"You fail to overlook the crucial point."

"For your information, just answer me one question!'

"Its absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities."

"Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory."

"Go see that turkey for yourself, and see for yourself why you shouldn't
see it."

"Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale."

"Give me a couple of years and I'll make that actress an overnight
success."

"True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a
definite answer. I won't say yes and I won't say no--but I'm giving you
a definite maybe."

     This was from CNN text news:
     "Internet users who spend even a few hours a week online at home
     experience higher levels of depression and loneliness than if
     they had used the computer network less frequently, The New York
     Times reported."

Reasons why the Net makes me depressed:

* 0.00001% response rate to my multi-level marketing spam.

* So difficult to convey the effects of my plastic surgery via ASCII.

* My inability to  spell is now well-known to 2 billion people around
  the world.

* Lost a bundle at some Internet casino based in Moldavia.

* People in my favourite mailing list believe that I am a bot and send
  me messages in binary form only.

* My dog got hold of my password and now my mailbox is clogged
  with posts from lists called "Machocanines" and "Allcatsarewimps".

* Cherry Bonbon, one of the darlings of my favourite newsgroup,
  has turned out to be a female impersonator.

* I discovered that my ISP modem is two tin cans connected by a
  piece of string.

* My latest post, "The use of interest rates in currency support,
  whilst maintaining a sustainable growth", to an Economy list has
  been acknowledged by the listowner with: "HAHAHAHAHA!!".

* My latest joke to HUMOR resulted in 1743 e-mails telling me that it
  was the most moving, touching, heart-breaking story they had ever
  read.

* The members of an online support group "There is always hope
  4U", think I am hopeless.

*******************

This is a sick joke... 

Two Vomits are talking in a bar. Suddenly one of them burst into tears.
The second Vomit turned to the one crying and said "What's wrong with you?"
The first Vomit said "Oh,  it's this place, it's sentimental to me...it's
where I was brought up."
                       
*****************************************
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*****************************************

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
itself.  MANKIND.  Basically, it's made up of two separate words
"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean?  It's a mystery and that's why
so is mankind.
                     
*******************

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two
finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate. The other
finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M. The rules of the
contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute
or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu". The Duke
graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he
jumped up and recited the following poem:
   
      Slowly across the desert sand,
      Trekked the dusty caravan.
      Men on camels, two by two
      Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?!
The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in
the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
     
      Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
      Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
      They was three, we was two,
      So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

Signs of Too Much of the 90's Mentality:

Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of  the
back seat of your car.

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have
email addresses.

Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.

You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom
breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.

You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.

You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.

You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the
products don't even exist any more.

You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve
their process.

You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.

You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive
restaurant in town within the same week.

You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project"
are acceptable English phrases.

You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door
neighbors.

You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night
plans.

You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas
into a matrix.

You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
                       
*****************************************

Tazzy sends:

A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound
coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and
says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I
look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well...ah....well I'm
bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the
boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day
and blows him back up!" 
                     
*******************
Stan Kegal sends:

This guy that continually gains weight and is very sick and fat.
He is always eating turkey right from the refrigerator.  It keeps making
him sick and fatter but he can't stop. His friends and family worry about
him but he keeps on with his addiction.

Finally, after years of sickness, he stops and loses a lot of weight
and looks great.  His friends ask him how he did it.  He says, ..."I quit
cold turkey." (By Ed Hexler)

And the quote of the day:

"Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex
acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media
with pornographic material while pretending it has some redeeming social
value under the public's 'right to know'."

Kenneth Starr, 1987, "Sixty Minutes" interview with Dianne Sawyer.


Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization
headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language... until
they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the
verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd
prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them
yourself.

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!
                       
*****************************************


A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love.  They were discussing how
they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over.
"It's only fair to warn you Jody." he said.  "I'm a golf nut.  I live,
eat, sleep and breathe golf."

"Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said. "I'm a hooker."
"I see." he said.  Then brightening, he smiled.  "It's probably because
you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
                     
*******************

Q:  What do you have if you have, Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Dolly Parton
      all in the same room? 
A:   2 Boobs and a Country Singer.

A  telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and  room-service, at a hotel
in Asia,  recorded and  published in the Far East Economic Review.....
  
   Room Service:  "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
  
   Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
   RS :  "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
  
   Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
  
   RS: "Ow July den?"
  
   G: "What??"
  
   RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
  
   G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
  
   RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
  
   G: "Crisp will be fine"
  
   RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
  
   G: "What?"
  
   RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
  
   G: "I don't think so"
  
   RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
  
   G:  "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know  what 'judo
        one toes' means."
  
   RS:  "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow
        singlish  mopping we bother?"
  
   G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'
       Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
  
   RS: "We bother?"
  
   G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
  
   RS: "Wad?"
  
   G:  "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
  
   RS: "Copy?"
  
   G: "Sorry?"
  
   RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
  
   G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
  
   RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
       baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and 
       copy....rye??"
  
   G:  "Whatever you say"
  
   RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

   G : "You're welcome"

*******************
Beckie Timohovich sends:

The English word testimony originates from the Roman men's practice of
placing one's right hand on his testicles when swearing to tell the truth.
Source: Isaac Asimov's Book Of Facts
                       
*****************************************


A little girl was sitting in the barber's chair. He has given her
a tootsie roll. As he trims her bangs, loose hair falls over her face.
"Do you have hair on your goodie?" he asked.
"Don't be ridiculous, you old bastard. I'm only eight years old."
                     
*******************

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - If independent counsel Kenneth Starr ever wants a
new job after investigating President Clinton, Hustler magazine publisher
Larry Flynt has just the position for him -- adviser on pornography.

``After a reading of the Starr report I am impressed by the salacious and
voyeuristic nature of your work,'' Flynt wrote to Starr Wednesday offering
him a job with his group that publishes magazines specializing in sexual
subjects.

``The quality and quantity of material you have assembled in the Starr
report contains more pornographic references than those provided by
Hustler Online services this month,'' his letter said.

Flynt, who in the past has fought legal battles over pornography and
freedom of speech, went on to praise Starr's report on Clinton that
graphically
describes the president's affair with his former White House intern Monica
Lewinsky.

``I congratulate you for having opened the doors of libraries and schools
to pornographic literature,'' the publisher wrote. ``Those of us at Hustler
need your assistance in extending the parameters of pornography to a wider
community of adults.  You have opened a new era in promoting explicit
sexual materials.''

By including such explicit references in his report to Congress that could
form the basis for impeachment proceedings against Clinton, Flynt said
Starr has helped alter community standards in accepting pornography.

In his letter, Flynt compared the Starr report with his own Hustler Online
Magazine for its content.  This month's magazine, for example, had 44
graphic references to genitalia, while the Starr report had 50, Flynt
wrote.


Rules Kids Don't Learn at School:

Unfortunately there are some things that children should be learning in
school, but don't. Not all of them have to do with academics. As a modest-
back-to-school offering, here are some basic rules that may not have found
their way into the standard curriculum.

Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teen-ager uses the
phrase "it's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from  your parents. Who
said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation
ever.
When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1.

Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your
school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good
about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-
esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And
you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even
have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'till you get a boss. He
doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he
is not going ask you how feel about it.

Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents
had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They
weren't
embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed
to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.

Rule #6. It's not your parents fault. If you screw up, you are responsible.
This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the boss of me,"
and
other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on
your dime. Don't whine about it or you'll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are
now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and
listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before
you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents'
generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off.
Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight
hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.

Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your
problems
will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real
life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your
friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule #10. Be nice to geeks. You may end up working for them. We all could .

Rule #11. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a
bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it
was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.

You're welcome.

*******************

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he
noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the
fence, soaking in the whole event.

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son
and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Yep. Just one," gasped the wide-eyed lad. "How fast was
that calf going when he hit that cow?"
                       
*****************************************


For Sale by Owner: 

Complete Set of Encyclopedia Brittanica excellent condition, but no longer
needed; fucking wife knows everything. 
                     
*******************

"Think of the Internet as an Information Superhighway"

There it is again: Some clueless fool talking about the "Information
Superhighway." The internet is nothing like a highway. Suppose the
metaphor ran in the other direction. Suppose highways were like the net.

A highway hundreds of lanes wide. Most with pitfalls for potholes.
Privately operated bridges and overpasses. No highway patrol. A couple of
rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. 500 member vigilante posses
with nuclear weapons. 237 onramps at every intersection. no signs. Wanna
get to Ensenada? Holler out the window at a passing truck to ask
directions. Ad Hoc traffic laws. Some lanes would vote to make use by a
single-occupant-vehicle a capital offense on Monday through Friday between
7:00 and 9:00. Other lanes would just shoot you without a trial for
talking on a car phone. AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking bus with
hundreds of ebola victims throwing dead wombats and rotten cabbage at the
other cars, most of which have been assembled at home from kits. Some are
2.5 horsepower lawnmower engines with a top speed of nine miles an hour.
Others burn nitroglycerine and idle at 120. No license tags. 

No Offramps.

Now THAT'S the way to run a Highway system!!


A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.  This is
her first pregnancy.  The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain.  How much
will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and
pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No.  A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes.  Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

*******************

 Q:  What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
 A:  We're Closed. Beat it!
                       
*****************************************


So You Think You're Ready to Have a Baby?

MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the
wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Place a fish stick behind the couch
and
leave it there all summer. Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are
not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a
friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to
the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as
you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for
anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making
sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the
ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls
of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug
while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the
floor.

NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with
the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00
PM.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make
up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00
AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST

Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans. Purchase a
newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that
they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience.
It will be the last time you will have all the answers.


A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every
week to buy 2 dozen boxes of condoms.  Week after week he would come in
with the same order. 

One day the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. 
"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull.  Talk about getting lucky! How
on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but
I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

"So," the druggist asked, "then what do you do with all those condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops
in little plastic bags."

*******************
Someone found the following article in the recent Far Eastern Economic
Review and thought it was great for de-stressing oneself! 

Hishru Chinese Therapy Balls have long been famed as one of the treasures
of Bao Ding, China. First produced during the Ming Dynasty (1368-1644),
therapy balls have been gradually improved through the ages by skilled
craftsmen... 

So next time your boss puts you under pressure, just pick his balls and
gently rotate them for peace of mind and total relaxation. " 
                       
*****************************************


While giving a physical, the doctor noticed that his patient's shins
were covered with dark, savage bruises.
"Tell me," said the doctor, "do you play hockey or soccer?"
"Neither," said the man, "My wife and I play bridge.
                     
*******************

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout
Time was when, on its own accord
>From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing

It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave

Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes


Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to
the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times
three?" "Tuesday", replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times
three"? "Nine", says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How
did you get that"?

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

*******************

Time-Life has been running a commercial recently hawking its
book series Mysteries of the Unknown. At one point in this
commercial the narrator describes an event at Stonehenge 
where a person "was grabbed by a terrifying unseen force and 
held suspended in the air." 

I don't know about you, but where I'm from, this is better known 
as a "wedgie."
                       
*****************************************

A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously
desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, "Is there a
criminal attorney in town?" To which the man behind the counter
immediately quipped, "Yes, but we can't prove it yet!"
                     
*******************

A girl brings a guy home one night.  They get into her apartment and
immediately she suggests that they do "69."

"What the hell is that?" asks the guy.

Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between
your legs, and you put your head between mine."

Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the
moment, he agrees to try it.  The second they get into position, she lets
loose a rip-roaring fart!

"What was that for???" he asks.

"Ooops!..sorry, let's try it again" she says.  So, they get into position
again, and once more she lets one loose!  The guy gets up and starts
to put his coat on.

"Wait, where are you going??" she asks.

The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those,
you're crazy!!"

All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine
months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells
are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. 

Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to
develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already
assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells
are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in
the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal
brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born
a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their
shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself
in various ways.

Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little
boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their
heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things
before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and
will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little
brother who was half asleep and looking the other way. This basic cognitive
difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into
action and the trouble really begins. 

After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but
the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male
thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells
reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some
men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with
nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually
speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans." Other men
suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to
as "Democrats." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration
to their groins. These men are usually referred to as..... "Mr. President."

*******************

  If a statue in the park of a person on a
  horse has both front legs
  in the air, the person died in battle; if the
  horse has one front leg in
  the air, the person died as a result of wounds
  received in battle; if the
  horse has all four legs on the ground, the person
  died of natural causes. 
  If the rider's head is up the horse's ass, the rider
  died a politician.
                       
*****************************************


 In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained
a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating
softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert;
don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
 A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be
commended for trying to soothe your son Albert."
 The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
                     
*******************

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys
looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out
and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!" 

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about
you." 

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12
o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs
Gladys... straight to the bathroom. 

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys???" No answer, so
she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her
ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at
herself. 

"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty. 

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out.
When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!


Christian Gross is bombing down White Hart Lane in his car at 80 mph. A 
waiting police car chases Gross, puts on the blue lights, and beckons 
the Tottenham manager to stop the vehicle. "Do you know what speed you 
were doing Sir ?" asks the copper. "80 mph" replies the embarrassed 
Gross. "This road has a 30 mph speed limit" says the policeman, "is 
there any reason for your excessive speed ?". "I'm sorry" replies Gross, 
"but I'd do anything for three points" ...

Harry Redknapp and Christian Gross are being interviewed for Football 
Focus. "Christian Gross, what are your hopes for the rest of the season 
?" asks Gary Lineker. "Well," replies Gross, "hopefully we can avoid 
relegation this season and build from there". So Harry," says Lineker, 
"what are your hopes for the rest of the season ?". To which Redknapp 
replies, "Hopefully Gary, we can go on to win the Coca Cola Cup, maybe 
the F.A Cup, err, and finish in the top three in the league." "Don't you 
think you're being a little optimistic ?" asks Lineker. Redknapp looks 
at Gross and says, "Well he started it" ....

The Presidential Infidelity Quiz

1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while
he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear
attack?

2. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched
out atop a desk in the oval office?

3. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children)
with a slave who was his wife's half sister?

4. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her
first husband - and was branded an "adulterer" during his reelection
campaign?

5. Which president (prior to becoming president) wrote love
letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else?

6. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's
personal secretary?

7. Which president made love to a young woman in a White House
coat closet - at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the
hysterical first lady from attacking them?

8. Which president made love in a closet while telling his
lover about the *other* president who made love in a closet (the one in
Question 7)?

9. Which vice president was ticked off because he felt that HIS
record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the president's?

10. Which president, when he was in college, loved showing off
his manhood (which he named "Jumbo")?

BONUS QUESTION: Before he became president, what was John F.
Kennedy's nickname in Palm Beach?
a. Jack Rabbit
b. Jumpin' Jack
c. Mattress Jack

------------------------
ANSWERS
1. John F. Kennedy
2. Lyndon B. Johnson
3. Thomas Jefferson
4. Andrew Jackson
5. George Washington
6. Franklin D. Roosevelt
7. Warren G. Harding
8. John F. Kennedy
9. Lyndon B. Johnson
10. Lyndon B. Johnson

BONUS QUESTION: C

*******************

How to catch a Polar Bear:
You cut a hole in the ice and place peas around the hole and when the bear
comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole !
                       
*****************************************


After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a
king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?" 

"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the
wife. 

"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you." 

"Well, fuck him," said the husband.

"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."
                     
*******************

Three elderly men are talking about their aches, pains, and bodily
functions.

One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem, I wake up every
morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I
sit there and I grunt and groan for a half hour before I finally have a
bowel movement."

The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a race horse, at eight,
I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up til nine."

Dizzy DeDe sends:

Top ten reasons Trick or Treating is better than sex

10.  Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
09.  If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
08.  The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
07.  You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
06.  Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
05.  If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
04.  If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
03.  Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
02.  Less guilt the next morning.
and the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...
01.  IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!

*******************

Liz Zelandais sends:
If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you
had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning
photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
                       
*****************************************

Wayne Lasker sends:

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit
when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is
these damn sailors!  Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on
those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up.

With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting
done, and it's making a mess all over the ship.  I don't know what to
do!"

The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion.  "Oldest trick in
the book.  You take the crew and divide them into two teams, then you
buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship.  You tell the crew that
the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."

"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of
gold every trip!"  "Not so," replied the other captain.  "After you get
back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax
factory to make into candles.  You make a tidy profit every time."

The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice
and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea.
Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel
after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels
for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long,
I'll be able to buy a new boat!'

This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to
that very first port.  Coming down the gangplank, the captain was
surprised to see the cops waiting for him.  As they slapped the cuffs on
him, the captain cried out "What's the meaning of this?!"

"You sick bastard," replied the cop.  "Remember all those barrels you
sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"

"Sure," said the captain.  "What about 'em?!"

"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now
all the nuns are pregnant!"


 Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6
 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning
 or end  to make up an E-Mail address. For  example,
 Mary L.Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning
 to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and
 diverse pool of people to choose from.

 Add to that a large database of company/college Acronyms and
 you have  some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the
 individual  involved, nonetheless:

                             Actual E-mail Addresses

 1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com

 2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,
     Overton  Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com

 3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) -  ibballin@bsu.edu

 4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) -  aspicker@pu.edu

 5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - 
     beeranbj@myplace.com

 6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) -  kissinfk@lvu.edu

 7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - 
     dickinme@iup.edu

 8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) -
     blowmegd@dropdrawers.com

 9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) -  cumminme@fu.edu

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu

*******************

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed
a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of
feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer
appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster,
please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
                       
*****************************************


A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped
out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."

The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer, "I want to be
hard all the time and get all the ass I want."

"As you wish," the genie replied.

POOF! he turned into a toilet seat.
                     
*******************

If 99.9% is Good Enough, Then...

12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily 

114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year 

18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour 

2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year 

2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers 

Two planes landed at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be unsafe every day 

315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled 

20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year 

880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect
cardholder information on their magnetic strips 

103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during the year 

5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat 

291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly 

3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the
three sections 


A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech
corporation.  The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and
presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up
against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales
took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his
wits's end, he remembered the envelopes.  He went to his drawer and took
out the first envelope.  The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at
the feet of the previous CEO.  Satisfied with his comments, the press --
and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the
problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in
sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his
previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.  The
message read, "Reorganize."  This he did, and the company quickly
rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again
fell on difficult times.  The CEO went to his office, closed the door
and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

*******************

What do you have if you put 50 government employees and
50 lesbians in the same room?

100 people who don't do dick.
                       
*****************************************


Did you here about Tempura House?
It's a shelter for lightly battered women.
                     
*******************

Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys PC 370.00 

370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting
license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and
sport (non-commercial) purposes. 

370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited. 

370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is
prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in
reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle,
the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle
should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash. 

370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a
power boat, helicopter or aircraft. 

370.05 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE
SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys. 

370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW,
Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon. 

370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or
brothels. 

370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to
have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.

370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter,
accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the
purpose of hunting attorneys. 

370.10  Bag and Possession Limits per day: Yellow-bellied
sidewinders, 2; Two-faced tortfeasors, 1;  Back-stabbing divorce
litigators, 3; Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2; Minutiae-advocating
dirtbags, 4. Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).

ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle
unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.


 BEWARE OF THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:


 Ellen Degeneres virus........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
 Monica Lewinsky virus........Sucks all the memory out of your
 computer. Titanic virus................Makes your whole computer go
 down. Disney virus.................Everything in the computer goes
 Goofy. Mike Tyson virus.............Quits after one byte. Prozac
 virus............Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't
   care.
 Lorena Bobbit virus..........Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch
   floppy.
 Woody Allen virus......Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a
 daughter
   card.
 Joey Buttafuoco virus........Only attacks minor files.
 Spice Girl virus...........Has no real function, but makes a pretty
   desktop.
 Ronald Reagan virus........Saves your data, but forgets where it is
   stored.
 Dr. Kevorkian virus..Searches your hard drive for old files and
 deletes
   them.
 AT&T virus...........Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service
   you are getting.
 MCI virus............Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're
 paying
   too much for the AT&T virus.
 Arnold Schwarzenegger virus....Terminates and stays resident. It'll
 be
   back.
 Viagra virus.......Expands your hard drive while putting too much
   pressure on your zip drive.

Stan Kegal sends:

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange
eating habits "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax.
What will happen to her?"
Eventually" said the Doctor, "she will rise and shine!"
(From: Ed Hexler)

How about the professor of psychology and the professor of history
sitting on the porch of the nudist colony watching the sun set.
The professor of history said to the professor of psychology
"Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology said
"Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs!" (From Maurice Smith)

"I had an old friend that went into stage work.  Seems he set up an
acting company and was trying to produce an original play, but one part
was really difficult to stage.  It was said that he did not have the
proper actors to do the tricky stuff, and since he had limited funds (no
angels supporting his show), he had to put out an odd scene lone call."
(By Brian Catlin)

*******************


Corporate headquarters has defined a lower cost alternative that
addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) issue:

The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999.
Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There
are many sound reasons for doing this:

1.   No Y2K problems
2.   No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3.   No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

******************

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q:   My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all
     over the screen. What do I do?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   What's the shortcut for Undo?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I create a New Document window?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I set the background and foreground to the same
     color?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   What is the proper procedure for rebooting my
     Etch-A-Sketch?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A:   Don't shake it.

 (I know that was a repeat, but it enhances the joke :p


A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he
discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a
feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating situation. So he
puts up a sign that reads "WARNING; ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS
CYANIDE!

The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the watermelons
have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads, "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
*****************************************                       

A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. 
She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in 
the corner with a sign on them saying "5 boxes for a dollar."

Well, the woman just could not believe this price so
she asks the clerk if it was correct. 

He said "Oh yeah, 5 for a buck." 

She said "That can't be right !" 

The clerk says "Oh yes, it's right !! 5 boxes for a dollar, 
no strings attached."

*****************************************
Which is your Favorite Character?

  1) Tazmanian Devil
  2) Tweety
  3) Marvin the Martian
  4) Scooby Doo
  5) Daffy Duck
  6) Peppe Le Pew
  7) Sylvester
  8) Speedy Gonzales
  9) Bugs bunny


  1) Tazmanian Devil - You are wacky and Crazy!!!  You Are the Center of
attention at parties.  You love Food and are always Causing Chaos.  When
you are on a date, you're the one that makes the 1st move.  Love comes and 
goes for you.  Can you Say * PlayeR*?

  2) Tweety - aaaaw you're soo CUTE!! Everyone loves you 'cause you're
so adorable physically and mentally.  Face it, People are Jealous of you.
Love is always there for you.  You're the typical *Long-Relationship* kinda
person. You LOVE cuddling But P.D.A is not your style.  If something goes
wrong in relationships (Family, etc.) you always go to your friends for the
advice.  Tweety-Lovers are great listeners.

  3) Marvin the Martian - You are DEFINITELY in control of your life.
People say you're a *Control Freak* You're the kind of person who is 
ALWAYS Paranoid with unimportant issues, But that's ok 'cause there is 
always someone there to relieve that paranoia.  Love is very valuable to
you.  Relationships have been Hardships for you but just remember that 
you're in control.

  4) Scooby Doo - Let's face it, people around you find you quite annoying
sometimes.  Whether it'd be the whining or nagging, but it's driving your
friends crazy.  If you have problems in life, just keep them on the *DL*.
To get on the Positive side of things, you are very helpful and you love to
solve mysteries and problems.  Love is a condition far away from your
mind.  The best advice for Scooby Doo Lovers is to deal with your problems
on your OWN.

  5) Daffy Duck - You are annoying in this cute way.  People love being 
around you because of your utter Goofiness.  Making People Laugh is your
specialty. Daffy Lovers think there is a soulmate out there for everyone. 
Love is something you haven't found deeply yet but your*soulmate* will be
there, CLOSER than you think.

  6) Peppe le Pew - You are the sweetest and most lovable person there is.
Guys/Girls love being around your *Charmed* personality. When there is
something you want, you will TRY to get it, No question about it.  Peppe
Lovers don't take NO for an answer.  It's Hard to please you but it's very
easy for you to please others with your endearing inner-self. Love is
here for you and always will be.  Not only talking about
boyfriends-girlfriends, but Family or friends.   If someone lets you down,
there is always someone else that loves you and is there for you. I'd
have to say that Peppe lovers are the luckiest.

  7) Sylvester - You are very Fun-Loving and easy to please.  People are
always talking behind your back because of their utter jealousy. Laughing
is what you do best.  Crying comes once in a life time for you.  You are
very
Unique in a good way.  People wanna be like you and find you as a *Cool*
person.  Love is easy for you to find.  Your motto would probably be
"Smile".

  8) Speedy Gonzales - You are ambitious and always heading for your goal.
You are a very *Fast* thinker and intelligent. It's often Genetic in
Speedy-Lovers.  Love comes once in a lifetime, unfortunately, but you
always have
your family supporting you.  For you, FAMILY always comes 1st. 

  9) Bugs Bunny - You are definitely the bestest friend a person can ever
have. You're wise and always thinking of ideas.  Bugs lovers have nothing
to worry about in life cause you always have solutions for everything. Love
is ALWAYS there for you.  Fooling around is your specialty.  The word 
Relationship is not in your dictionary meaning you are not a steady kind
of 
person.  Oh yeah, and you Love things that have to do with *SEX.*


There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. 

The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound 
like a frog, Grandpappy? 
Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really 
want to make the sound of a frog now."

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will
you please make a sound like a frog?" 
Grandpa again says, "No, not now.  I don't really want to do that.  
I'm in a grumpy mood.  Maybe later."

Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please... 
Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"

"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa 
asked. 

The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when
you croak we get to go to Disney World!"

*******************

A Cat's Diary:

Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects.
They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry
cereal.  The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape
-- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece
of their furniture.

I fear I may be going insane.  Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I
may eat another.
                       
*****************************************


A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. 

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. 

"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man. 

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the
mans feet. 

"Try pulling the tongue out." offers the clerk. 

Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
                     
*******************

A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to
cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to
show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled
the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so
thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him
to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to
rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved
and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby
airport where a plane would be waiting for him. 

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swung
the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the
air. 

The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low
passes so I can take some pictures."

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded,
"and photographers take photographs."

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean
you're not the flight instructor?"


Possibilities Abound as Barbie Turns 40: 

Yes, it's hard to believe, but in 1999 Barbie will turn 40, just in
time to greet the new century. And they've been 40 full, rich years.
She began as a glamorous airline stewardess when she was introduced at
Toy Fair in 1959.She soared into space as an astronaut in 1974, ran
for president in 1992, and, in 1997, she bore disability bravely,
folding her first-ever bending legs into a wheelchair to become a role
model once again for a newly identified market.

In every incarnation, nationality, and skin tone, she's perfectly
turned out,with accessories galore at her long slender fingertips.
She's Everywoman, she's the Cosmo Girl, she has it all. So, what will
Mattel think of next as the company meets the challenge of Barbie
turning 40?

Why fight age? Why not capitalize on it in every way possible? 
Here are some ideas Mattel might consider for a past 40 Barbie:

Bifocals Barbie: 
Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames 
in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print
editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

Hot Flash Barbie: 
Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn 
beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With
hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

Facial Hair Barbie: 
As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers 
grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

Cook's Arms Barbie: 
Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, 
roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus are
back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.

Bunion Barbie: 
Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely 
taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with
this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors:
pink, rose, blush.

No More Wrinkles Barbie: 
Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines 
with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of
exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

Soccer Mom Barbie: 
All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying 
off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs
and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler
filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

Midlife Crisis Barbie: 
It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, 
and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered,
along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading
for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking
Up Is Hard to Do."

Single Mother Barbie: 
There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's 
shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's
across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's
selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money.
Complete garage sale kit included.

Recovery Barbie: 
Too many parties have finally caught up with the 
ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps!
Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with
little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.

Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From Dream
House to Nursing Home, the possibilities and accessories are endless.

*****************************************


The Psychic Friends Network is in Chapter 11 bankruptcy?
Man, who saw that coming?
                     
*******************

Signs that your On-Line Relationship isn't Working Out:

You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in
from Langley, VA.

You: Large, hairy man.   Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.

Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely
to get you anywhere."

After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks
you in the Mines of Quarn with a +5 Vorpal Sword when she learns you're
worth 45,000 points.

"Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."

Your cyberlover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.

Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her
chin shaving slip by.

You discover that she has been cutting & pasting her orgasms.

You can barely make out your SO's face in the JPEG she sent because she's
obscured by her 25 cats.

He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some
geek who works for a software company.

Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-promotions.com has become
cold and distant.

She's suddenly changed her address to comingout@lesbian.com

Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the
mysterious "tubby@whitehouse.gov"

In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection
is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd
pretended to be.

This is the story of Cinderella and her sugly isters.  Cinders and her
sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.  Cinders worked very hard frubbing
sloors, weaning clindows, emptying poss pits and shivelling shut.  At the
end of the day she was nucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards, one was called Mary Hinge and
the other was called Betty Swollocks, the were right forrible huckers...
they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the Ball but the cotten runts
wouldn't let Cinders go.  Suddenly there was a lash of flitening and her
gairy fodmother appeared, who's name was Shairy Hithole ... she was a
lucking fesbian.  She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking
cuge farriage and six dandy ronkeys with buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Cinders that she had to be back by midnight
otherwise there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Cinders was dancing with the Pransome Hince when suddenly the
clock struck twelve.

"MISTE ALL CRUCKING FIGHTY!", cried Cinders and ran out, tripping bass
over ollocks and dropping her slass glipper.

The next day the Pransom Hince knocked on Cinder's door and the sugly
isters let him in.  Suddenly, Betty Swollocks lefted her lig and let out a
fig bart..."Who's fust jarted?", asked the Pransome Hince.  "Blame that
forrible hucker over there!", said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both
sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.  Betty
Swollocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the Pransome Hince a nick in the
kackers. 

He tried the slass glipper on Cinders and it fit perfectly.

Cinders and the Pransome Hince were married.  The Hince lived his life in
lucking fuxury and Cinders lived hers with a follen swanny and they both
lived happily aver efter.

The End.

*******************

New Golf Term for the 90's:

We all know what a Birdie (1 under) and a Bogey (one over) are.
Now there's a Lewinsky.  It's when the shot lands three feet from the
hole.
                       
*****************************************


 Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot,
 were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
 Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves
 standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St.
 Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
 
 "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that
 Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to
 limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of
 you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot
 answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not,
 then you'll come with me to Hell."
 
 The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most
 comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap
 of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
 The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
 "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the
 philosopher disappeared.
 
 The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated
 formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger,
 another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The
 mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was
 correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his
 finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
 
 The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a
 chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes
 on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat
 on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he
 asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
 
 The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from
 the right."
 
 "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And
 the idiot went to Heaven.


Snappy Comebacks to the Age Old Question "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"

1. You haven't asked yet.

2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

3. What?  And spoil my great sex life?

4. Nobody would believe me in white.

5. Because I just love hearing this question.

6. Just lucky, I guess.

7. It gives my mother something to live for.

8. My fiance(e) is awaiting his/her parole.

9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.

13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll
rituals.

20. What?  And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

21. We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.

22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

23. Why aren't you thin?

24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a
trial separation.

25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child
would be redundant.
                       
*****************************************


A guy went to Tuscaloosa and picked up one of those new Mercedes. He
was testing it out in the parking lot, turned on the radio and nothing
happened. Furious, he demanded to see the sales manager, and told him
"When I buy a $50,000 car I expect the *&#! radio to work."

The sales manager explained to him that the radio had been programmed
to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to
hear. Pretty neat stuff.

He got back into the car and said "Country music," and old Willie
Nelson started singing.

"Rock and roll," he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning.

"Easy listening," he remarked, and all at once it sounded like he was
in an elevator.

He was relaxed, driving up I-59 to Birmingham, and listening to smooth
sounds. Then a pickup truck with two good ole boys almost ran him off
the road.

"Stupid rednecks!" he screamed. The radio immediately blurted out,

"TOUCHdooooooooown
AllaBAAAAAAAmaaa!!!!"
                     
*******************

A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary.
That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy
little negligee she wore on their wedding night.
She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, Do you remember this?"

He looks up at her and says,  "Yes dear, I do.  You wore that same
negligee the night we were married."

She says, "Yes, that's right.  Do you remember what you said to me
that night."

He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asks.

He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm
going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains
out."

She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it.  That's exactly what you
said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore
that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies,
"Mission Accomplished."


A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech
corporation.  The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and
presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up
against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales
took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his
wits's end, he remembered the envelopes.  He went to his drawer and took
out the first envelope.  The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at
the feet of the previous CEO.  Satisfied with his comments, the press --
and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the
problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in
sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his
previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.  The
message read, "Reorganize."  This he did, and the company quickly
rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again
fell on difficult times.  The CEO went to his office, closed the door
and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

*******************

What do you have if you put 50 government employees and
50 lesbians in the same room?

100 people who don't do dick.
                       
*****************************************


Did you here about Tempura House?
It's a shelter for lightly battered women.
                     
*******************

Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys PC 370.00 

370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting
license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and
sport (non-commercial) purposes. 

370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited. 

370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is
prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in
reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle,
the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle
should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash. 

370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a
power boat, helicopter or aircraft. 

370.05 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE
SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys. 

370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW,
Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon. 

370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or
brothels. 

370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to
have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.

370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter,
accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the
purpose of hunting attorneys. 

370.10  Bag and Possession Limits per day: Yellow-bellied
sidewinders, 2; Two-faced tortfeasors, 1;  Back-stabbing divorce
litigators, 3; Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2; Minutiae-advocating
dirtbags, 4. Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).

ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle
unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.


Mind tricks

Give this a go it's freaky Jedi Mind Trick
This little Jedi mind trick is kinda freaky, till you think
about it a   little while.  Then it's even more weird. Just
follow the instructions   below:

DON'T scroll down too fast-do it slowly and follow the
instructions below   exactly, do the math in your head as
fast as you can. It may help to say   the answers aloud
quietly. FOLLOW these instructions one at a time and as
QUICKLY as you can!

What is:

2+2?







4+4?






8+8?





16+16?




Quick! Pick a number between 12 and 5.






Got it?









Now scroll down...














The number you picked was 7, right?

Isn't that weird???
Free will or synaptic wiring?  You be the judge.

Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to freak you
out.

There's no trick or surprise.  Just follow these
instructions, and answer   the questions one at a time and
as quickly as you can!

Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've
done each of   them...really.
Now, ARROW down (but not too fast, you might miss
something)... What is:







1+5







2+4








3+3







4+2








5+1






Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you
can for 15   seconds.  Then scroll down.






QUICK!!!  THINK OF A VEGETABLE!  Then arrow down.







Keep going.






You're thinking of a carrot right?
If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds
are warped   enough to think of something else.  98% of
people will answer with carrot   when given this exercise.
Freaky, huh?

Here is another one
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It only takes 30 seconds. Work this out as you read. Don't
read the   bottom until you've worked it out!
1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you
would like to   eat out.

2. Multiply this number by 2.

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50.

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1748.
 If you haven't, add 1747. 6. Last step: Subtract the four
digit year that you were born.



SEE BELOW


You should now have a three digit number:
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how
many times you   want to go out each week).
The second two digits are your age!!!   - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - This is the only
year (1998) it will ever work, so spread the fun around
while it lasts...


 What is a cat...?

 1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
 2. They rarely listen to you.
 3. They're totally unpredictable.
 4. They whine when they are not happy.
 5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
 7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
 8. They're moody.
 9. They leave their hair everywhere.
 10. They drive you nuts.

 Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.

*******************



Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both
of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the
reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and
when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as
best she could."
                     
*******************

  Interesting things about Monica Lewinsky:

  - Nobody would know about her if it weren't for Bill
  - She sucks
  - She blows
  - She's bloated
  - She's the focus of a huge legal battle
  - She'll go down in a heartbeat

 Who does she think she is, Microsoft Windows?


Little Johnny takes Ebonics...
   
      Johnny's Ebonics teacher decided to give a pop quiz on this week's 
      spelling words. She asked the students to spell the words and use 
      them in a sentence.
      
      Three of the words were: hotel, stigma and homosexual.
       
      Little Johnny's answers were:
       
      1.  h-o-t-e-l    The President asked Monica to keep their affair on
      the down low, but Linda Tripp made the ho tel.
       
      2.  s-t-i-g-m-a   The President said to Monica, "I want you to stig 
      ma cigar in your you know what.
       
      3.  h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l   The President asked Monica not to wear
      panties because he thought it made the ho mo sexual.

*******************

Nancy Farr Sends:

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why
she left her last employment, she replied, "Yes, sir, they paid good
wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played
a game called Bridge, and last night a lot of folks were there.

As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, ...  "Lay
down and let's see what you've got."

Another man said, ...  "I've got strength but no length."

Another man says to the lady, ...  "Take your hand off my trick!"

I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, ... "You
jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise."

Another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two other
ladies were talking and one said, ...  "Now it's time for me to play with
your husband and you can play with mine.

Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if
one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll go home now.  ... This is the
last rubber."
                       
*****************************************



Did you ever wonder why Frankenstien was always in a bad mood?
If someone wired a lightning rod to your nuts during an electrical storm,
you would be pissed too!
                     
*******************

ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM LETTERS SENT TO LANDLORDS.

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is
cleared.
2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my
       knob off.
3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next
door.
4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from wall .
6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which
is unsightly and dangerous.
9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday
       my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like
        a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color
        and not fit to drink.
12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page
        pensioner and need it straight away.
13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her
         toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning
         at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new
         drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to
finish
the job and keep my wife happy.

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a
hearse, which was followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking
solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking
in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the
second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse, "My
wife", the man replied. "I'm sorry", said Dave "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died."  Dave then asked who was in the
second hearse, the man replied,  "My mother-in-law, my dog bit
her and she died as well."

Dave asked, "Can I borrow your dog?"

"Get in line," replied the man.

*******************

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep
losing my temper with people. 

Doctor: Tell me about your problem. 

Patient: I JUST DID YOU STUPID JERK!!!!!
                       
*****************************************


TO:  All Employees
SUBJECT:  New Sick Leave Policy

l.  SICKNESS:  No excuses.  We will no longer accept your doctor's
statement as proof.  We believe that if you are able to go to the 
doctor, you are able to come to work.

2.  AN OPERATION:  We are no longer allowing this practice.  We wish 
to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe 
that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of 
whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed.  
We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly 
make you less than we bargained for.

3.  DEATH, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN:  This is no excuse for 
missing work.  There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure 
that someone else can attend to the arrangements.  However, if the 
funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow 
you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave
1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough
to keep the job going in you absence.

4.  DEATH, YOUR OWN:  This will be accepted as an excuse. 
However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your 
duty to train your replacement.

5.  ALSO:  Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical 
order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A'  will go from
8:00 to 8:15, and so on.  If you're unable to go at your time, it
will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time
comes again.

We appreciate your cooperation,

MANAGEMENT


As you know, US Treasury just printed renovated $20 bills.
FYI here go the differences between the new and the old ones:

- Andrew Jackson now wearing a single glove and accompanied 
  by his sister, Latoya.

- Special counterfeit-proof "watermark"  contains actual
  sample of Alan Greenspan's DNA.

- Radically improved scratch-n-sniff technology allows holder
  of bill to smell the rotting corpse of Andrew Jackson. 

- WooHoo!  The new one is 2-ply!!

- Thanks to new "StripperStick" coating, they adhere directly
  to the skin of exotic dancers.

- Federal Reserve now referred to as "The Notorious F.E.D."

- Less smoke and new, springtime fresh aroma when used to heat
  Bill Gates's home.

- Old bill:  Produced by U.S. Treasury.  
  New bill:  Produced by Sean "Puffy" Combs.

- It's 30% twentier!

- Look, it's rip-proof!   Oh, shit...

*******************

Important Notice for Highway Department Road Workers

Breaking news that 50,000 road workers to loose their jobs by the
end of May 1999. News from the White House indicates that the
Japanese have improved our technology once again to develop new
equipment that will replace these present crew members. It seems
they've come up with a shovel that will stand up by itself.
                       
*****************************************


Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," 
the divorce court judge said, " and I've decided to
give your wife $275 a week." 

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. 
"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
                     
*******************

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest
corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience
interviewing prospective employees:

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the
interviewer and the music at the same time.

Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger
and french fies in the interviewer's office.

Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the
interviewer.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and
kept in a closet in Mexico.

Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes
later wearing a headpiece.

Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having
the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to
answer specific interview questions.

Candidate brought large dog to interview.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing
up.

Candidate dozed off during interview.

**The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that
have been asked by job candidates:

"What is it that you people do at this company?"

"What is the company motto?"

"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"

"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"

"Why do you want references?"

"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"

"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"

"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"

"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"

"Does your health insurance cover pets?"

"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"

"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"

"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"

"Why am I here?"

**Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates
during the interview process:

I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.

At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.

I feel uneasy indoors.

Sometimes I feel like smashing things.

Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.

I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.

I get excited very easily.

Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.

I am fascinated by fire.

I like tall women.

Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.

People are always watching me.

If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.

Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.

I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.

I never get hungry.

I know who is responsible for most of my troubles

If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.

I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.

My legs are really hairy.

I think I'm going to throw-up.


The heir to the founder of the luxury car, Mercedes Benz was not only
proud of his car but also all his staff. One fine day, he decided to make
a trip down to the company's plant to interact with the workers. All the
top managers upon knowing his rare appearance to the plant were very
excited about it and made sure they prepared their workers for the
Chairman's arrival. 

At the plant, the Chairman posed a question to his managers, 'Who can
tell me what the Mercedes circular insignia at the front of the car
represents?' All the managers were dumbfounded. 

Just then, a young sleepy chap amongst the workers was quick to answer,
'Oh that's simple, you fools. It stands for 8 o'clock start work, 12
o'clock lunch time & 5 o'clock go back!'

*******************
Stan Kegal Sends:

"According to psychiatric evaluations by doctors at Massachusetts General
Hospital, Mike Tyson is psychologically fit to fight again. "Tyson's
overjoyed," says Jay Leno. "He told doctors all he needed was a
sympathetic ear."
                       
*****************************************


	The Value of a College Education

Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to
college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons
think seriously about are beer, loud music and sex. Trust me: these are
closely related to college.)
     
College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two
thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are
spread  out over four years; you spend the rest of the time drinking,
sleeping and trying to get dates.

Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:

1.Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These  include
how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains
out of your pajamas.

2.Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).  These are
the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology,  -osophy,
-istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things,  then
write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to
forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the
rest of your life.

It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in
college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three
metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of
them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and
Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like
whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water,
Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right   there in the
supermarket. It's a terrible waste of brain cells .

After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to  choose
a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the  most
things about. Here is a very important piece of advice:  Be sure to
choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers. 

This means you must not major in mathematics, physics, biology, or
chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example,
you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class one day and
the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a
rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant
vertices." If you don't come up with exactly the answer the professor has
in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your
exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor
will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all
the other chemists  have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about
this.

So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology,  and
sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody
else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts.

I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick
overview of each:

1.ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read
little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good
grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that
anybody  with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are
studying  Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby
Dick is a big  white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it
as a big white  whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in your paper, you
say Moby-Dick is  actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is
sick to death of  reading papers and never liked Moby Dick anyway, will
think you are  enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with
lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.

2.PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding
there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should
major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

3.PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams.  Psychologists
are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester
training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then
training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My
roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you
dream about rats, you should major in psychology.

4.SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away
the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology
courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or
read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be
considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating
simple, obvious observations into scientific - sounding code. If you plan
to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing.  For
example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down.
You should write: "Methodological observation of the sociometrical
behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual
relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or
'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty
pages, you will get large government grants.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other
was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.



An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the
time had come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself she came to a
conclusion.
The quickest and surest way would be to shoot herself through the heart.
The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her  heart was, so
she phoned her doctor and asked him.
He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.
She shot herself in the left kneecap.



A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and
starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?'
'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'



Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the urge to go
downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin.
Do you  know  what's wrong with me?
Doctor : Yes ... 'you're fucking crackers.'


	WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO TODAY?

Straight to hell, apparently. 

The other day I saw another Microsoft commercial on TV: sublime choral
music drifts through the background as the unseen user surfs through the
Internet and various Microsoft content using Internet Explorer. The
commercial closes with the Microsoft slogan "Where do you want to go
today?" and a final, furious blast of music. It's a very cool effect. But
if you dig a little deeper... 

As it turns out, the background music is the Dies Irae of Mozart's Requiem
Mass. And the words of the final blast of music which accompanies "Where
do you want to go today?" are actually "confutatis maledictis, flammis
acribus addictis..." In English: "When the damned are confounded, and
consigned to sharp flames..."; which describes exactly where I want to go
today. 

Unfortunately, while Explorer will take you to hell for free, the upgrade
to purgatory is pretty steep. 

*******************

The church service was under way and they passed the collection plate and
when the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stopped
the service and announced that who ever put the $100.00 bill in the plate
please stand up. The gay man stood up and the preacher told him since you
put that money in the plate I would like to let you pick out three hymns.

The gay guy said , well I'll take him and him and him.
                       
*****************************************


A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone
in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the
mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that
passengers must be alive to qualify.
                     
*******************

Just got off the phone with my HMO... asked them a few 
questions...thought you'd be interested in the answers...

1.  What does HMO stand for?
A: It's actually a variation of the phrase "Hey, Moe!" Its roots 
go back to a concept pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard: A patient can 
be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard 
enough in the eyes. Modern medical practice replaces the physical 
finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral 
slips, but the result remains the same.

2.Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A: No. Only those you need. And a doctor is not the determinor 
of need, as he's just a money-grubbing parasite, and thus is not 
impartial enough to make that judgement.

3.How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A: Only slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. We 
will provide you with a book listing THE doctor participating in 
our plan. We don't pay him much, thus he can't be money-grubbing 
enough to impede his impartiality. And his office is just a day's 
drive away from you. And he's extended his office hour to one and 
a half hours.

4.What are pre-existing conditions?
A: This is a phrase used by the grammitically challenged when they 
want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to 
be pre-stuck with it.

5. Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A: Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

6. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

7. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the 
name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a 
stomach ache. What should I do?
A: Poke yourself in the eyes.

8. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductivle and a $2000 
yearly cap. You reimbursed the doctor for my outpatient surgery, 
but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A: You have two choices: Your doctor can sigh the reimbursement 
check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for 
you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists 
hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

9. What should I do if I get sick while travelling?
A: Try sitting in a different seat.

10. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time 
seeing your primary care physician (the one that's only a 
day's drive from you). It's best to wait until you get home, 
then get sick.

11.I think I need to see a specialist, but your 
participating doctor insists he can handle my problem. 
Can a general practitioner really perform heart transplant 
surgery right in his office?
A: Hard to say, but considering that the $10 co-payment is all you're
risking, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

12.What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A: Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

13.Will health care be any different in the next century?
A: No, but if you call right now, you might be able to get 
an appointment by then.

Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active
       
 10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
   9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
   8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn." 
   7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
   6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
   5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice. 
   4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.
   3. You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section 
       of the May issue of Hustler.
   2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
      
  And the Number One Sign Your Grandparents are still sexually active...
      
   1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."

*******************

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a baseball
game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much
about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After
the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much
about baseball?"

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.

"What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when
they cut IT off?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"Was it when they cut off your balls?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"What was the most painful part?"

"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in
half!"
                       
*****************************************


	Visualize whirled peas.
                     
*******************

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered early
retirement bonus.  

They promised any general who retired straight away, his full annually
benefits PLUS $10,000.00 for every inch measured in a straight line along
the retiring general's body between two points he chose.  (Something
Congress came up with!) 

The first general accepted.  He asked the pension man to measure from the
top of his head to the tip of his toes.  6 feet He walked out with a check
of 720,000.00.  

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched
hands to his toes.  8 feet.  He walked out with a check for $960,000.00 

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third.  When he was asked
where to measure, he told the pension man.  "From the tip of my penis to
the tip of my balls" The pension man said that would be fine but he'd
better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.  

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em.  He did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and
began to work back.  

"My God!" he said, "where Are your balls.?" 

"The general replied, " in Viet Nam."




Some Irish slangwords

       
  Word or phrase
                  Example
                                          Meaning
  Acting the maggot
                  He was just acting the
                  maggot as usual
                                          Behaving foolishly, annoyingly
  Bags
                  He made a bags of doing it
                                          Messy inadequate job (see hames)
  Banjaxed
                  It was banjaxed beyond all
                  help
                                          Broken, can also mean tired
  Culchies
                  The culchies were all over
                  the place
                                          Rural people, usually used disparagingly
                                          by city people.
  Cute hoor
                  I always knew he was a cute
                  hoor
                                          Untrustworthy male person, often a
                                          politician
  Desperate
                  The place is in a desperate
                  state
                                          Bad, needing attention
  Drawers
                  Her drawers were the size of
                  Cork
                                          Knickers, panties
  Eat the head off
                  I'll eat the head off her
                                          Attack verbally
  Eejit
                  You're a right eejit
                                          Idiot, fool
  Feck
                  Feck off, fecking thing,
                  feck-all
                                          Polite(-ish) version of other F word
  Fella
                  Come here young fella
                                          Male person, also used for boyfriend
  Flitters
                  The dog left the shirt in
                  flitters
                                          Tatters
  Fluthered
                  He was fluthered again
                                          Drunk
  Foostering
                  Just foostering about
                                          Not getting much done, fussing
  Full shilling
                  He's not the full shilling
                                          Mentally competent
  Gas
                  We had a bit of gas that day
                                          Fun, enjoyment
  Gob
                  He never shuts his gob
                                          Mouth
  Gobdaw
                  That fella's a right gobdaw
                                          Fool, idiot
  Gom
                  You're just acting the gom
                                          Fool, idiot
  Guff
                  Don't give me any of your
                  guff
                                          Idle talk or excuses
  Gur
                  He's been on gur since
                  Saturday
                                          Staying away from home, usually a child
  Hames
                  You made a terrible hames
                  of that
                                          Messy inadequate job (see bags)
  Header
                  Keep away from that header
                                          Mentally unstable person
  Holliers
                  Two weeks holliers for me
                                          Holidays, vacation time
  Holy show
                  You made a holy show of
                  yourself
                                          Spectacle
  Hop
                  He's been on the hop since
                  Tuesday
                                          Playing truant from school
  Horse's hoof
                  That's a bit of a horse's hoof
                  I think
                                          Spoof, exaggerated story
  Hump off
                  Would you ever hump off?
                                          Go away, leave me alone
  Jackeens
                  The jackeens think they're
                  smart
                                          Dublin person, usually used disparagingly
                                          by culchies
  Jacks
                  I'm just off to the jacks
                                          Toilet, restroom
  Jaded
                  We're all jaded after it
                                          Tired, exhausted
  Kibosh
                  He put the kibosh on it
                                          Added the last straw, completely
                                          banjaxed something
  Langered/Langers
                  We were all langers
                                          Drunk
  Letting on
                  I was just letting on
                                          Pretending
  Mary Hick
                  That dress is really Mary
                  Hick
                                          Unfashionable, drab
  Messages
                  I have to get the messages
                                          Groceries
  Mooching
                  He's mooching again for
                  money
                                          Sponging, almost begging
  Mot
                  Have you got a mot?
                                          Girlfriend
  One
                  Some oul' one told her
                                          Female person
  Pictures
                  Want to come to the
                  pictures?
                                          Movies, Cinema
  Puck
                  He got a puck in the gob
                                          Sharp blow
  Puss
                  She'd a right puss on her
                                          Face, usually sulky
  Reddener
                  She took a reddener when
                  she saw him
                                          Blush (see Scarlet)
  Reef
                  I'll reef him when I see him
                                          Attack, non-verbal
  Scarlet
                  I'm scarlet for you
                                          Blushing, often in sympathy with a friend's
                                          reddener
  Scratcher
                  He's always in the scratcher
                                          Bed
  Scrawbed
                  Her face was all scrawbed
                                          Scratched by fingernails
  Shook
                  He was very shook looking
                                          Pale, ill, scared
  Slagging
                  I'm only slagging you
                                          Making fun of someone, generally
                                          good-naturedly
  Sleeveen
                  She's a bit of a sleeveen
                                          Sly person, calculating
  Stocious
                  He was stocious this evening
                                          Drunk

                                   Home
                           Meanings of Irish placenames
                        Shaw's Dublin City Directory of 1850


A man is visiting a mental home and sees a group of inmates sitting in a
circle. As he gets close one of them shouts, "128" and all the others
start to laugh!

He asks the nurse with him what's going on and he explains that they
have all been together so long that they know the jokes off by heart, so
to save retelling them all the time they numbered them and just say the
number!

The man thinks this is a good idea and although he doesn't know the
jokes asks if he could try it!

The nurse says, "Why not, go ahead!"

So the man shouts, "10"

Nothing, absolute stoney silence! So the man says, "What's wrong, wasn't
that joke funny?"

And the nurse says, "It wasn't that, it's just the way you told it!"

*******************

I haven't had sex in so long, I can't remember which one gets tied up.
                       
*****************************************


Top ten names for Ben & Jerry's new presidential ice cream:

     1.       Impeach-Mint
     2.       Candy Pants
     3.       Hyperactive Nuts
     4.       Chilly Hillbilly Vanilly
     5.       Pantsachio
     6.       Subpoena Colada
     7.       Horny Bubba Crunch
     8.       Peppermint Fattie
     9.       Captain Cream
    10.       Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking-Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl
                     
*******************

	Job Ad Phrases Re-Defined:

Advancement opportunity: Crap job

Entry level: Really crap job

No experience necessary: The mother of all crap jobs

Administrative assistant: Crap job with a title

Upbeat personality: Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit
nor use the drug and alcohol rehab benefit within the first year

Word processing skills essential: There's a crippling case of carpal
tunnel syndrome in your future

Public relations: Receptionist

Pleasant telephone manner: Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME

Salary range $24,000 to $32,000: The salary is $24,000

Will train: Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem

Women and minorities encouraged to apply: White males need not waste the
stamp

Tons of variety: We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would
do and rolled them into one.

Top-notch communication skills: Telemarketing

Beautiful offices in attractive location: Brand new tacky, windowless
building where the picture frames all match the carpeting

Dedicated: You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until
we force you into early retirement

Salary commensurate: We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like

Salary negotiable: We'll take the lowest bidder

Competitive salary: We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and
not one penny more

Competitive starting salary: Ten cents above minimum wage

Pleasant atmosphere: A staff of pod people

Self-starter: Open to very broad interpretation since no one really
knows what this means


Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."

The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard!" 


College Entrance Exam

University of Illinois
Entrance exam
Football player version
Time limit:   3 weeks

1.  What language is spoken in France?

2.  Give a dissertation on the Ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions - or - give the first name of Pierre Tudeau.

3.  Would you ask William Shakespear to:
      a. build a bridge 
      b. sail the ocean
      c. lead an army
      d. write a play

4. What religion is the Pope?
       a. Jewish
       b. Catholic
       c. Hindu
       d. Polish
       e. Agnostic
       (check only one)

5. Metric conversion - -  how many feet are in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given?  (APPROX.)

8. What are the people in America's far north called?
          a. westerners
          b. southerners
          c. easterners
          d. northerners

9. Spell - Bush, Carter, and Clinton.

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
called George the Sixth.  Name the previous five.

11. Where does the rain come from?
            a. Macy's
            b. 7-11
            c. Canada
            d. The Sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
             a. yes
             b. no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers principle of Dynamic equilibrium - or -
spell your name in block letters.

16. Where is the basement in a 3 story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
            a. New York
            b. FLORIDA
            c. Canada
            d. Wisconsin

18. Advanced math,  If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (national broadcasting co.) stand for?

20. The  University of Illinois tradition for efficiency began when?
            a. B.C.
            b. A.D.
            c. STILL WAITING

* YOU MUST ANSWER THREE(3) OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY


 A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the
> punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first
> punishment.
> First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen
> on this asks to see the next room.
> The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.
> The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old
> guy
> chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde.
> The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.The devil walks into the
> room
> taps the blonde on the shoulder and says,"OK, you can stop now you've been
> relieved".
> =====================================================================
> ===
> 
> A wee bit of religion never hurt
> 
> It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister
> Magdalene
> Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun
> had
> instructed.  Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at
> Fr.
> John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and
> pray.
> The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night
> bath had done. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been
> saved."
> "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
> "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him,
> and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs
> where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
> "Did he now," said the old nun evenly.
> Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to
> Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I
> would
> be assured of salvation and eternal peace.  And then Father John guided
> his Key to Heaven into my lock."
> "Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly.
> "At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation
> was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart
> with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
> "That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was
> Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"


This is my anal Halloween joke...no wait...that's ANNUAL! :p

Three Vampires walk into a bar...

Vampire #1:  I'll have a pint of blood.
Vampire #2:  Same for me.
Vampire #3:  Make mine plasma.

Bartender:  That's 2 Bloods and a Blood Light?

*******************

Q: What did the cops find in Jeffery Dahmer's shower?
A: Head and shoulders.
                       
*****************************************


Q. What do you call a nun in a blender?
A. Twisted sister.
                     
*******************

	I TOOK HIM BACK TO WALMART 

I never could stand Melvin, Why I married him I'll never know. 
And for seventeen miserable years I have said Melvin has got to go! 
I tried poisoning cakes, Stripping his brakes, 
salting his pork chops with lime. 
Wiring his chair, Igniting his hair even though playing 
with fire is a crime. 
But, I failed at each plot, Till I suddenly thought of a 
way that would set me free! 
I got rid of him for good, and, know what? They can't do a thing to me! 
I took him back to Wal-Mart! They'll take anything back you know! 
They said they couldn't recall selling him, 
But they must have if I said so. 
They just credited him to my Visa, and said, 
"Ya'll come back now, 'ya hear?" 
They were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent, I will! I'll take 
back his mother next year! 
They'll take anything back at Wal-Mart, 
Though it's broken or rotten or sweet. 
And know what else? This time of year? You don't even need a receipt!


It's really not too difficult to fix your own hard drive, if the problem is
a head crash, or the infamous Seagate "stiction" problem, if you know what
to do. You will require #4/0 steel wool, Varsol, WD-40, a few hand tools,
and about 45 minutes.

First, you need a clean room, so make sure the garage door is closed before
you begin. Move those old lawnmower parts off the bench.

Disassemble the sealed unit and carefully wash all parts with Varsol. Bend
the read/write heads out of the way and then disassemble the platter stack.

VERY CAREFULLY buff the platter surfaces with the #4/0 steel wool. This
will remove any existing data, level out any surface defects, and help to
redistribute the magnetic media and fill in those pesky "bad sectors" that
most drives have.

Reassemble the platter stack, and using a .015" feeler gauge, bend the
read/write head back to the platter surface, using the feeler gauge to set
the gap. This is a slightly higher gap than the factory uses, but it
reduces the chance of head collisions with any flotsam you neglected to
remove.

Give the head and platters a good shot of WD-40 and reassemble the unit. If
your drive has a filter, replace it with a clean section of gauze pad.

All that's left is to low level and DOS format the drive, and you're back
in business.

I haven't tried this yet myself, but my friend's wife's sister-in-law's
husband knows a technician who does it all the time. 

*******************

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
"Choke, gag, urgh"
                       
*****************************************


The old geezer was watching television when he screamed, "Mother,
git in here right now. You won't believe the perverted thing they're 
showing on TV."

His wife walked in, took one look, then said, "Put your glasses
on, you old goat. That's just Castro eating a banana."
                     
*******************

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't hear him.

"How bad is it?" the doctor asks.  

"I have no idea", says the husband. 

"Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something. If
she doesn't hear you, get closer and say the same thing. Keep moving
closer and repeating the comment until she does hear you. That way we'll
have an idea of her range of hearing loss."  

So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up
vegetables for dinner.

>From 20 feet:  "What are we having for dinner?"  No answer.
>From 10 feet, same thing.  
>From 5 feet, same thing.  
Finally he's standing right behind her ... "What's for dinner?"  

She turns around, looks at him and says "For the FOURTH time ... BEEF
STEW!"

NORTH --VS-- SOUTH

Everything Southern has its Yankee counterpart. 
Here's how to tell which is which:

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes
The South has 'mater samiches

The North has coffeehouses
The South has Waffle Houses

The North has dating services
The South has family reunions

The North has switchblade knives
The South has Lee Press-on Nails

The North has double last names
The South has double first names

The North has Ted Kennedy
The South has Jesse Helms

The North has an ambulance,
The South has an amalance

The North has the Mafia,
The South has NASCAR

The North has Indy car races
The South has Swamp Buggy races

The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal
The South has grits

The North has green salads
The South has collard greens and chitlins

The North has lobsters
The South has crawdads

The North has Distilleries, Breweries, and liquor stores
The South has stills, shine, and them ridgerunners

The North has the rust belt
The South has the Bible Belt

The North has Dan Qualye
The South has Bill Clinton 

*******************

A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash.
She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rolls
around, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog. The
drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of
vomit, and slurs, "I don't remember eating that!"
                       
*****************************************


 A couple was touring a shipyard area in a coastal city
 of Italy when they saw a strange looking craft.  They
 stopped and asked a worker, "Sir, it that a U-boat?
  
 "No," he replied, shesa belonga to da goverment."
                     
*******************

Two guys decided to make a bet as to which one of them could  make
love more times in one night. They agreed that sunrise would be the end of
the contest and  each went to their respective motel rooms.

The more boastful of the two went right to it and made love to his
date leaned over and marked a 1 on the wall. Feeling sprightly, he went
again and once again at the completion of the act marked another 1 on the
wall - next to the first.
 
Figuring he had the bet in the bag he decided to relax a bit and in
relaxing fell asleep.

Awakened by the sun's rays coming in the window he quickly grab his lady
and did it one more time and marked another 1 on the wall.
Just at that time his friend enters and upon seeing the marks on the
wall exclaims:

"DAMN!  a hundred and eleven!... beat me by three."


A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down.
This goes on for a while when his wife sticks her head out of the
front door and yells. "You need more tail".
The father yells back "Fuck You, I told you yesterday I needed more
tail and you told me to go fly a kite".

*******************

Ten best things about dating a Vampire:

10) Long relationships
 9)  Allowed to stay out late
 8)  Easy weight loss
 7)  Centuries of experience
 6)  Immune to all venereal diseases
 5)  Always has amazing stamina
 4)  Loves neck nibbling
 3)  Rarely interested in arguing religion
 2)  Never comes home with garlic breath 
 1)  Never have to worry about what color clothes to wear.

*******************

Addendum to why 'Trick or Treating is Better than Sex':

     Cuz you can 'do' the entire neighborhood in one night! *baeg*  
                                              
*****************************************


Rejected Hallmark Greeting Cards:

1. You wrecked your car and don't remember why.
Could have been.....
That case of bud dry!

2. My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I stopped to look....
I noticed your cat.

3. Your computer is dead.
It once was a first-rate.
Don't you regret buying......
Windows 98?

4. Your dog is dead.
So sorry to hear
He was chasing cars...
And caught a semi in the rear.

5. Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
Well don't worry about her....
She moved in with me!
                     
*******************

Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was
placed in the local paper.

Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female.

The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would
choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared,
since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a
whip & chair.  She looked more like a model than a trainer.

The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed
between his cracked and leathery lips.

The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said,
"Ladies before Gentleman."

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the
music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping.
She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside
her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the
day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped
toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking.  She
threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her
thighs.  She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act,...
Think you can do better than that?"

The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said,
"No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!"



>In a hotel room, Jim Morrisson is in one corner with the rest of 
>his band;
>in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George 
>Harrison and
>Ringo Star - all are naked.
>Monica Lewinsky walks in, drops to her knees in front of Jim 
>Morrisson and
>begins to play the pink oboe.  She swallows nicely then starts on 
>his
>guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and the keyboard player.
>When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John 
>Lennon and
>begins to do the same to him.  At that moment, there's a huge 
>crash and
>Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a mini-Cooper.  He jumps 
>out, grabs
>her by the scruff of the neck and shouts "Oi, you're only 
>supposed to blow
>the bloody Doors off!"

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them
was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. 

The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked
her. 

"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." 

A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the
others asked.

"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued
knitting.

Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her.

"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this
fucking sweater!"

*******************


John Glenn scolded the media for focusing on his age and fame instead of
the scientific merits of his upcoming shuttle mission.  "Upon his return
from space, Glenn will star with Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon in 'Grumpy
Old Astronauts.'"  


WIN 98 - Brooklyn Build

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Brooklyn
version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside New
York. If you have one of the Brooklyn editions you may need some help
understanding the commands.

  The Brooklyn edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen

  It reads WINDAS 98 with a background picture of the East River with a
  floating body.  It is shipped with a 'NYPD BLUE' screensaver.

  Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled 'Garbitch'

  My Computer is called 'My Freakin Computer,'

  Dialup Networking is called 'Good Fellas',

  Control Panel is known as the 'da Tote Board,'

  Hard Drive is referred to as 'da trunk',

  Floppies are them 'little Freakin plastic disc tings'.

  ** More Features (NOT bugs)

 Instead of an error message you get a winda covered with steel bars
 and Grafitti.

 OK= do it I tell ya
 Cancel = hell no
 Reset = dis is ya last chance
 Yes = a kay
 No = na
 Find = turn dis place ova
 Insert = stick it in dere
 Delete = rub it out
 Help = can I get some help here
 Stop = ya betta quit it
 Start = let's get a move on
 Settings = da Fix
 Programs = stuff
 Documents = stuff dat I already done

  Also note that windas 98 does not recognize capital letters or 
  punctuation marks.

  Some programs that are exclusive to windas 98:

Secritary...........A word processor
Pitcha maker.......a Graphics program
Numbers......calculator
Scratch paper......notepad
Boom-box............CD player
Da Web............Microsoft Explorer
pitchas.............A graphics viewer
IRS.................M/S accounting software
IRS2................M/S accounting software with hidden files
Bookie.....Race track records tax records..usually an empty file
graffiti...screen saver
Red Light District....Internet connection
Vinni's...... Discount computer repairs

*******************

Disclaimer found on the cape of a kid's Superman costume for Halloween:

 "Warning: Use of This Device  Does Not Enable Wearer To Fly."

*****************************************


Top Ten changes at NASA to accommodate 76-yr-old John Glenn's
return to space:

  10)  All important devices now operated by the Clapper
    9)  Shuttle's thermostat now set at 80 degrees
    8)  The cargo bay now converted into a shuffle board court
    7)  Amplifier now installed in the headphones
    6)  Metamucil now served instead of Tang
    5)  Little bowls of candy scattered around the ship
    4)  Top speed of shuttle now set at 25 MPH
    3)  Installed new bifocal windshield
    2)  Space pants now go up to the armpits
    1)  Left blinker left on for the entire mission.
                     
*******************

Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a  jack-o-lantern
     by it's circumference?
A: Pumpkin Pi

Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up the payments to his
     exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.

Q. Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
A. Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&M's


A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three
months, when he was finally given a week of R&R.  He caught a supply boat
to a supply  base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.
The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat.  He was dead
on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to
sit down.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was
room for two people on each seat.  On one side sat only a proper looking,
older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat" he asked.  The lady was insulted; "you
Americans are so rude" she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there"?
He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat.  He
found himself back at the same place.  "Lady, I love dogs - have  a couple
at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down" he said.
The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude you are arrogant" she
said. He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally
said "lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with
not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold
your dog?" The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude and arrogant,
you are also obnoxious." 

 With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog,
threw it out the widow, and sat down.  The lady was speechless. An older,
neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.
"Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description
of you or not.  But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong.
You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong
hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Stan Kegal Sends:

Let's us suppose for the sake of this story that you were able to take a
trip to Africa and capture Lord Greystoke, also known as Tarzan.
Additionally, for the sake of this story, we will assume that you were an
evil musician who killed the lord and, very much similar to the technique
used with catgut, made violin strings from his intestinal membranes. You 
then put those strings on your violin, and played one song over and over,
continuously. What song would you be playing? 

No, not ... Gorilla of my dreams, I Love you...

Tarzan's Tripes, Forever!




A cockney hobo comes into a pub called the George and Dragon. He asks
for a free drink. The lady behind the counter comes forward, punches
him, and tosses him out of the pub.

Getting up, the hobo says, "Okay, can I talk to George now?"
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Compliments of Nancy Farr:

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one
guy suddenly started massaging the back of the
person in front of him.  Surprised, the man in front
turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and
I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage
your back.  Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied.
"I work for the IRS.  Do you see me screwing the guy in
front of me?"

This is why "Sports Scholarship" is an oxymoron...

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my
 clothes."  - Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining
 why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

"You guys line up alphabetically by height"
- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't 
seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't
been through in school."  -Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was
ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements

"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 
1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players
to and from class"  
- George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to 
prison for three years, not Princeton."  -Boxing promoter Dan Duva 
on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his 
visit to Greece

"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes 
to see the game anymore."  -Yogi Berra

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
-Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."  
-Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

How do we know Halloween pumpkins are male?
Their heads are empty, they have mush for brains, and after a few
days they start to smell funny!       



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

New studies have shown that diarreha is hereditary...
 it runs in your genes.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from The military
base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun
seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book.

He said to her, "Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be 
drafted and the M.P.'s are chasing me!"

She lifted up her skirt and said, "Quick hide under here." The two 
policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, "No."

After they left she told the young boy to come out and that everything 
was going to be OK. He thanked her and said, "You have a nice set of 
legs for a nun!"

She replied, "If you reach up a little farther you'll find a nice set
of balls too. I'm not going to be drafted either!"

Completely Useless, Nonetheless, Interesting Facts? Your Call...

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must
be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of
war or other emergencies.

The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston,
Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under
a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never
stop growing.

David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke
all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over
by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full
moon.

Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is
necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had
segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and
whites.

No word in the English language rhymes with month. 
(Unleth, of courth, you thpeak with a lithp. Like the ICQ broad who tells
ya that you have a "thythtem methage" *eg*)

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each
gallon of diesel that it burns.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal
category.

Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, 
after the Catholic Church.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.
( So does Woolite....Hiya Dan!... I painted Dan with Woolite, stuck him
under a black light and took pics, bet he's glad I didn't know about the
cat urine...Aaah Ha!Ha!Ha! That was a long time ago, I think we were on
drugs. Really?)

Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered
a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight
Simulator.

The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a
gallon to clean the pot.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child
reaches 2-6 years of age.

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in
Colorado.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19.
You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to
make change for a dollar.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike
factory workers in Malaysia combined.

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".

In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only
6 people were injured.

Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in
the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers -- they saw it as competition. It is
not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports
games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the
Major League All-Star Game.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

The name Wendy was made up by James Barrie for the book "Peter Pan".
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets
allowed."
The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll
see."

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turns on the game. The guy
says, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips."

The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! That's one special kind of a dog you got there! What happens when
the Jets score a touchdown?"

The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children.
Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22
children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're
finally together." 

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but you do
mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."



One day, a guy was lying in his hammock, enjoying the afternoon, when he
noticed his dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to his
dismay, he realized it was the little girl next door's rabbit. For years,
he had watched her come home from school and head straight out to its
cage, free it and play with it in the yard. He knew today would be no
different, and fearing for his dog, he had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so the
guy washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it
dry with his wife's hair dryer. Upon finishing the grooming, he jumped the
fence and placed it back in its cage, hoping its death would be written
off to "natural causes."

Within the hour, the neighbors' Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped
the little girl. As usual, she headed straight for the cage. Only this
time, she stopped about six feet away and screamed, "DAAAA-DYYYYYYYYY!"
Her father, panic-stricken, stood looking at the cage. 

Being the good neighbor that he was, the first guy rushed to the fence and
asked if there was anything that he could do -- and the girl's father
blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead
rabbit and put it back in its cage?"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The Dalai Lama, while in NY, walks up to a hot dog vendor and says,
 "Make me one with everything."



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Try this one three times fast(outloud):

One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they all felt smart.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

 A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the
 hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed
 them around just like he did his employees.  None of the hospital
 staff want to have anything to do with  him.

 The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.  She came
 into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." 
 After complaining  for several minutes, he finally settled down,
 crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

 "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated," but for this reading , I cannot 
 use a oral  thermoneter."  This started another round of 
 complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear-end.
  
 After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer he heard her
 announce, "I  have to get something, now you stay JUST LIKE THAT
 until I get back!"
 
 She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.  He curses 
 under his  breath as he hears people walking past his door 
 laughing.  After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the
 room.
  
 "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.  
 
 Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter Doc?  Haven't you ever
 seen someone having their temperature taken?"
  
 After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no.  I guess I haven't.
 Not with a carnation anyway."


A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 
> handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went 
> to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any 
> jobs for her to do.  "Well, you can paint my porch.  How much will you 
> charge?"  The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"  The man agreed and 
> told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the 
> garage.
>      
> The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and
> said to her husband,  "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way 
> around the house?"  The man replied, "She should.  She was standing on 
> the porch."  A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect 
> her money.  "You're finished already?" he asked.  "Yes," the blonde 
> answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." 
> Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
> "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a BMW."


Three guys are sitting having a few quite drinks in a bar and having a good
time yet minding their own business.yet there is one guy who keeps standing
up abusing one of them from the other side of the bar.
The first time he stands up he shouts over," hey, I shagged your mother last
night".
To avoid confrontation the guys reassure Tommy that he's only a wanker and
not ruining their night for as they are having a good time.
About half an hour later he stands up again and roars at Tommy,
"hey , I shagged your mother up the arse last night and she was fuckin
brilliant".
Tommy is losing the plot at this stage but the lads tell him to relax and
your man would eventually fuck off and stop bothering him.They all agree
that he's not worth losing the cool over and spoiling the night.Tommy cools
down a small bit.
Then after about another fifteen minutes or so your man stands up again,
"hey, your mother gave me the best blow job of my life last night"
Now Tommy loss the head and says "fuck this I'm getting up to this bollox"

Tommy gets up and shouts back
"hey Dad, fuck off home youv'e had enoygh to drink".

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at
this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the
innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting
few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! 

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he
cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the
baby would have my name!" 

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up
all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a
bastard in the family than a lawyer."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

 Did you hear why the LA Police had to leave the Dodgers' game early?
 To beat the crowd.



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his 
nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A turkey was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be
able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the turkey, "but I haven't
got the energy". "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients".

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally
after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse,
emerged with a shotgun, and shot the turkey right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

I was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the
middle of the road. I swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but
unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. Being a
sensitive man as well as an animal lover, I pulled over to the side of
the road and got out to see what had became of the rabbit. Much to my
dismay, the rabbit was dead. I felt so awful I began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw me crying on the side of the road
so she pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked me what
was wrong.

"I feel terrible," I explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed
it."

The woman told me not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car
trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead
rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved his paw at us
and hopped down the road. Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped, turned
around, waved at us again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned,
waved and hopped another 50 feet.

I tell you, I was flabbergasted. I couldn't figure out what was in the
woman's spray can. So I ran over to her and asked, "What was in your
spray can? What did you spray onto the rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so I could read it. It said:

"Hare Spray - Restores life to dead hare - Adds permanent wave"

*******************

This guy walks into a bar down in Austin and orders a Grape Nehi.

Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around
here...where you from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."

The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount dead animals."

The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one
of us!"
                       
*****************************************


My wife said to me, George, it is about time that you learned to
play golf , you know, golf, that's the game where you chase a ball all
over the country when you are too old to chase women.

So, I went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to
play. He said, sure, you've got balls, haven't you? I said, yes, but
sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find. Bring them to
the clubhouse tomorrow he said and we will tee off. What's tea off, I
asked? HE said, it's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the
clubhouse. Not the barn somewhere. No, no, he said, a tee is a little
thing about the size of your little finger. Yeah, I've got one of
those. Well, he said, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on
top of it. I asked, do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you
stood up and walked around. You do, he said, You're standing up when
you put your ball on the tee.

Well, folks, I thought that was stretching things a little too
far, and I said so.

He said: You've got a bag haven't you? Sure, I said. He said, your
balls are in it, aren't they? Of course, I told him. Well, he said,
can't you open the bag and take one out? I said, I suppose I could, but
damned if I was going to. He asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag,
but I told him, no, I'm the old fashioned type.

Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well, after fifty
years I should have some sort of an idea, and I told him so. He said,
you take your club in both hands folks, I knew right then he didn't
know what he was talking about. Then he said you swing it over your
shoulder. No, no, that's not me, that's my brother you're thinking
about. He asked me, how do you hold your club, and before I thought I
said, "in two fingers". He said that wasn't right and got behind me and
put both arms around me and told me to bend over and he would show me
how. He couldn't catch me there, because I didn't put four years in the
Navy for nothing.

He said you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar,
I said I could well imagine. Then, he said, and when you're on the
green, what's the green, I asked. No, then you take your putter, what's
the putter, I asked. That's the smallest club made, he said. That's
what I've got, a putter. With it, he said, you put your ball in the
hole. I corrected, you mean the putter? He said, the ball, the hole
isn't big enough for the ball and the putter. Well, I've seen holes big
enough for a horse and wagon. Then he said, after you make the first
hole, you go on to the next seventeen.

He wasn't talking to me. After two holes, I'm shot to hell. You mean he
said you can't make eighteen holes in one day? Hell no, it takes me
eighteen days to make one hole and besides, how do I know when I'm in
the eighteenth hole? He said, the flag would go up.

That would be just my luck.

More Latin Fun:

"Motorolus interruptus."  (Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.)

"Il guyus nissanem iste ickye." (That Nissan guy gives me the creeps.)

"Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi forevercus." (Better take the nose ring
out before the job interview.)

"Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum,minutus carborata descendum pantorum."
(A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.)

"E Pluribus Tupac." (Rap is everywhere.)

"Veni, vidi, Pesci." (I came, I saw, I moidered da bum.)

"Revelare Pecunia!" (Show Me The Money!)

"Robotisticus Governantimus Inevitabilitus." (Al Gore is GOING to Be
President.) 

"Ignoramus microsoftis multapecunia dat." (Yeah, where *do* I want to go
today??)

"Sicsemper tyrannus." (Your dinosaur is ill.)

"No Quid Pro Quo."(I'm Sorry, We'reAll Out of Quid.)

"Cavaet humanus sic tofu burritus e toga." (Beware of the man with a tofu
burrito in his toga.)

"Nunc TutusExitus Computarus." (It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.)

"Veni, vedi, vichy." (I came, I saw, I capitulated to the Germans.)

"Veni, Vidi, Velcro" (I came; I saw; I stuck around.)

"Et tu, pluribus unum?" (The government just stabbed me in the back!)

"E pluribus septum." (Multiple nose piercings.)

*******************

I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming
from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady's
handbag, but she putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go. I
wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see
anything...
I finally decided that I should help. It didn't take the three of us very
long to get her handbag.
                       
****************************************


Q:  What's the clinical term for men who need viagra
A:  Myccoxafailure
                     
*******************

         Top ten changes on new, interactive "Sesame Street"

10. The Count now says "point 0" at the end of every number.

9. All bug Muppets will now be renamed "features."

8. Oscar the Grouch now resides in the Recycle Bin. "Do you 
really want to delete Oscar?"

7. Mr. Snuffleupagus sings the Microsoft sound whenever he
wakes up.

6. Sesame Street renamed TheStreet.com, inspiring a lawsuit
against Microsoft in which high-tech attorneys learn how to
share.

5. Cookie Monster is renamed Cookie Friend and sells his book,
"How to Track Who's Using Your Site for Fun and Profit" with
continuously running onscreen banner ads.

4. Internet Explorer, Netscape, Opera: one of these things is
not like the other...

3. Bilingual Maria replaced by DJ Jazzy Drive who speaks
COBOL, BASIC, Fortran, and Pascal.

2. Bill Gates admits that he's been doing the voice for Kermit
the Frog since 1989.

1. "Brought to you today by the number of users accessing the
show for free, divided by the number of employees creating the
back-end viewer software and selling it through online portals
at greatly reduced rates in exchange for brand recognition."



A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the 
checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is
suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his
cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or
a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will
surely die." 

"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work
in a good mood."

"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a
good frame of mind before he goes back to work." 

"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with
household chores."

"Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress,
have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed." 

On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked "So,
I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did the
tell you?" 

"You're going to die," she replied

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving
      their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300%
impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."
 
She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned
his tongue and broke his finger!" 
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Frank Sinatra had been approached by a major fashion 
chain days before he died about starting a line of mens neckwear... 
Rumor has it it was to be called "alleged mob ties" 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Stan Kegal Sends:

When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if
the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right your
copy. If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to
copyright the rite you write.

Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright
the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite, and
has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His
editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright
can be right.

Should Jim Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right
rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would
copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright would have the
right to right.

    Right?	 (By Shelley Herman)

3 new bonds are being issued:
*       Lewinsky bond:     Has no maturity
*       Gore bond:         Has no interest
*       Clinton bond:      Has no principle



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Why is Pfizer trying to decrease the amount of time it takes for
Viagra to work?

Because men don't like one of the side-effects: Foreplay.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Trixie Sends:

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A
woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back says,"Oh
yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guys turns around and says,"hey man, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. The guy in back, once
again starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells the man to be quiet. So
three women come out and start stripping. The guy in back is silent. The
guy in front says, "Hey man, where's all your excitement now?"

The guy behind him says, "All over your back!"


 THE NEW "OFFICIAL" RULES FOR STRIP MONOPOLY

1.) All clothing is considered legal tender, for debts both public,
    and private, at the values listed.
2.) Any clothing given to the bank is removed from the game.
3.) If you do not have cash, then you MUST pay in clothes.
4.) All payments to the bank for Chance, Community Chest, Income Tax,
    ect. must include at least one item of clothing (not necessarily
    yours).
5.) When paying rent to another player, you must roll 1d6. If it 
    comes up 5, or 6, you must include one item of clothing for the
    rent. Full Change of the appropriate amount will be given, in
    either cash,or clothes.
6.) YOU MAY NOT WEAR ANY OTHER PLAYERS CLOTHING!

Clothing values:
Note: all values may be ajusted in response to sexy underwear, or
similar circumstances.

Jewelry---------$3.00 per type (if you have 10 bracelets, together
they are worth $3.00)
Shoes-----------$5.00 per pair
Socks-----------$5.00 per pair
Shirt-----------$50.00 (male, female w/ bra)
Shirt----------$350.00 (female w/out bra)
Pants----------$100.00 (w/ underwear)
Pants----------$600.00 (w/out underwear)
Bra------------$300.00
Underwear------$500.00
*values listed here are assumed to be worn. once an item of clothing
is removed from the body, the price drops to the lowest price for
that item.
(ex: once a shirt w/out a bra is sold, its price drops from $350 $50)
All outer clothing not listed here, is worth $1.00 a piece.
Any clothing not listed (ie:garter belts) the price will be set by the
group.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The 
salesman asked if his father was at home.

Little Johnny: "Yes." The salesman: "Well, can I 
see him please?" Little Johnny: "No, he is in the shower."

The Salesman asked if his mother was at home. Little Johnny: "Yes." 
The Salesman: "Well can I see her?" 
Little Johnny: "No, she's in the shower too.."

The Salesman: "Do you think they will be out soon?" 
Little Johnny: "No." The salesman asked why. 

Little Johnny: "Well, when my dad asked me for the vaseline I gave 
him some super glue instead."


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Little Johnny comes home from his first day at school.
His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

SkyWalker Sends:

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give 
you any time,

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice 
against creed, color, religion or politics,

Then, my friend, you are *almost* as good as your dog!


One Liners from Women:

1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb... 
.....and I also know that I'm not blonde. [Dolly Parton]

2. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends
told me she was in labour for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything
that feels good for 36 hours. [Rita Rudner]

3. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. 
We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. [Rita Rudner]

4. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. 
[Erma Bombeck]

5. If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. 
[Sue Grafton]

6. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. 
[Roseanne Barr]

7. I think-therefore I'm single. [Lizz Winstead]

8. "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
invade another country ." [Elayne Boosler]

9. "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." [Maryon Pearson]

10. "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." [Gilda Radner]

11. "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want 
anything done, ask a woman." [Margaret Thatcher]

12. "If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose
Catholicism because it at least has female saints, and the Virgin Mary."
[Margaret Atwood]

13. "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage
and a career." [Gloria Steinhem]

14. "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." 
[Gloria Steinhem]

15. "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at 
home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which 
growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that
comes home late at night." [Marie Corelli]

16. "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your
neck ?" [Linda Ellerbee]

17. "I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep 
his house." [Zsa Zsa Gabor]

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in the smooth-haired
breed category.  To give it an advantage, she went to the pharmacy for
some hair remover.

The chemist gave her the product requested and advised,  "Just
remember to keep your arms up for at least five minutes"

"Errr... it's not for my armpits," she flustered, embarrassed, "it's
for my Chihuahua"

"Oh well, in that case,"  said the chemist, "don't ride a bike for
twenty minutes"


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>


Kristin Moore Sends:

HOW "THEY" DO IT WHEN IT COMES TO SEX

        Accountants do it with Double Entry
        Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
        Ambulance drivers come quicker
        Australians do it Down Under
        Bankers do it with interest
        Bartenders do it on the Rocks
        Chess players check their Mates
        Cops do it with cuffs
        DJs do it on request
        Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
        Dentist do it orally
        Detectives do it under cover
        Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
        Engineers do it to specification
        Firemen do it with a big hose
        Frank Sinatra does it his way
        Garbagemen cum twice a week
        Gardeners do it in the bushes
        Gas attendants Pump all day
        Housewives do it for an allowance
        Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast
        Landlords do it every 1st of the month
        Mountain Climbers like to be on top
        Pianists touch, tickle, and titilate !
        Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free
        Truckers do it in the road
        Travel Agents do it in lots of different places
        Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
        Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them !
        Zoologists do it with animals


The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well
behaved group of inmates to a baseball game.

The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this. However 
the Recreational Director asked, " If I prove to you how well behaved
they are, will you let them in?" It was agreed. 

They all sat down and "Stand up, nuts." Everyone stood up. "Sit
down, nuts." Everyone sat down. "Look behind you nuts." Everyone 
turned around. Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. 
 
About the 3rd inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion, people 
running helter skelter.  He asked someone in the stands, "What's going on?"

The guy said, "I don't know.  I heard someone call out 'Peanuts!', and
then..." 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

There was once a geneticist who made a tree.  Instead of growing fruit the
tree grew vaginas.  The man was so proud, that he planted it in his front
yard.  

The neighbors didn't like this.  After ignoring all the orders and
petitions to remove the tree he is taken to court and found guilty. 
 
He is on the execution block and they ask him what his last words are. His
reply "I regret that I have but one life to give for my cunt tree."



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

The Father, passing thru the son's college town late one night on
a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy.

Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several
minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor
window. "Whattya want ?" "Does Jimmy Duncan live here ?" asked the father.

"Yeah !" replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch and we'll
take care of him in the morning."
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>



UNIX(r) System V Release 4.0 

login: unixguru 
Password: 
Last login: Wed Nov 19 11:43:26 from Firewood.nowhere.com 
Sun Microsystems Inc.   SunOS 5.5.1     Generic May 1996 
You don't have mail. 

sweedy[1]% tell me how 
tell: Command not found 
sweedy[1]% what! 
what!: Command not found 
sweedy[1]% man 
usage:  man [-] [-adFlrt] [-M path] [-T macro-package ] [ -s section ] name
... 
        man [-M path] -k keyword ... 
        man [-M path] -f file ... 
sweedy[1]% man sex 

SEX(6)                  User Commands                    SEX(6) 
  
  

NAME 
     sex - have sex 

SYNOPSIS 
     sex [ options ] ...  [ username ] ... 

DESCRIPTION 
     sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) speci- 
     fied in the command line.  If no users are specified, they 
     are taken from the LOVERS environment variable.  Options to 
     make things more interesting are as follows: 

     -1   masturbate 

     -a   external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option 

     -b   buggery 

     -B 
          bestiality with  

     -c   chocolate sauce option 

     -C   chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W) 

     -d 
          get a date with the features described in  

     -e   exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net) 

     -f   foreplay option 

     -F   nasal sex with plants 

     -i   coitus interruptus (messy!) 

     -j   jacuzzi option (California sites only) 

     -l   leather option 

     -m   masochism (see -s) 

     -M   triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option 

     -n   necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program 
          kills it) 

     -o   oral option 

     -O   parallel access (orgy) 

     -p   debug option (proposition only) 

     -P   pedophilia (must specify a child process) 
  
  

Printed 2/15/87              2/15/87                            1 
  
  
  
  
  

SEX(6)                      User Commands                      SEX(6) 
  
  

     -q   quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am) 

     -s   sadism (target must set -m) 

     -S   sundae option 

     -T 
          voice-net sex via standard uucp autodialer facilities; 
          area code prefix of 01274 is assumed. 

     -v   voyeurism (surveys the entire net) 

     -w   whipped cream option 

     -W   whips (see also -s, -C, and -m) 

ENVIRONMENT 
     LOVERS 
          is a list of default partners which will be used if 
          none are specified in the command line.  If any are 
          specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored. 

FILES 
     /usr/lib/sex/animals          animals for bestiality 

     /usr/lib/sex/blackbook        possible dates 

     /usr/lib/sex/sundaes          sundae recipes 

     /usr/lib/sex/s&m         sado-masochistic equipment 
  
  

BUGS 
     ^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied. 

     ^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy. 

MAN AUTHOR 
     Author prefers to be anonymous. 

HISTORY 
     Oldest program ever. 

sweedy[1]% man condom 

CONDOM(1)                  User Commands            CONDOM(1) 
  
  

NAME 
 condom - Protection against viruses and prevention of child 
   processes 

SYNOPSIS 
 condom [options] [processid] 

DESCRIPTION 
 _condom_ provides protection against System Transmitted 
Viruses (STVs) that may invade your system.  Although the spread of 
such viruses across a network can only be abated by aware and cautious 
users, _condom_ is the only highly-effective means of preventing 
viruses from entering your system (see celibacy(1)).  Any data passed 
to _condom_ by the protected process will be blocked, as specified by 
the value of the -s option (see OPTIONS below).  _condom_ is known to 
defend against the following viruses and other malicious 
afflictions... 

 o AIDS 
 o Herpes Simplex (genital varieties) 
 o Syphilis 
 o Crabs 
 o Genital warts 
 o Gonorrhea 
 o Chlamydia 
 o Michelangelo 
 o Jerusalem 

 When used alone or in conjunction with pill(1), sponge(1), 
foam(1), and/or setiud(3), _condom_ also prevents the conception of a 
child process.  If invoked from within a synchronous process, _condom_ 
has, by default, an 80% chance of preventing the external processes 
from becoming parent processes (see the -s option below).  When other 
process contraceptives are used, the chance of preventing a child 
process from being forked becomes much greater.  See pill(1), 
sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3) for more information. 
 If no options are given, the current user's login process (as 
determined by the environment variable USER) is protected with a 
Trojan rough-cut latex condom without a reservoir tip.  The optional 
'processid' argument is an integer specifying the process to protect. 
 NOTE: _condom_ may only be used with a hard disk.  _condom_ 
will terminate abnormally with exit code -1 if used with a floppy 
disk (see DIAGNOSTICS below). 

OPTIONS 
     The following options may be given to _condom_... 

 -b BRAND BRANDs are as follows... 

   trojan (default) 
   ramses 
   sheik 
   goldcoin 
   fourex 

 -m MATERIAL The valid MATERIALs are... 

   latex (default) 
   saranwrap 
   membrane -- WARNING!  The membrane option is _not_ 
   endorsed by the System Administrator General as an 
   effective barrier against certain viruses.  It is 
   supported only for the sake of tradition. 

 -f FLAVOR The following FLAVORs are currently supported... 

   plain (default) 
   apple 
   banana 
   cherry 
   cinnamon 
   licorice 
   orange 
   peppermint 
   raspberry 
   spearmint 
   strawberry 

 -r  Toggle reservoir tip (default is no reservoir tip) 

 -s STRENGTH STRENGTH is an integer between 20 and 100 specifying 
   the resilience of _condom_ against data passed to 
   _condom_ by the protected process.  Using a larger 
   value of STRENGTH increases _condom_'s protective 
   abilities, but also reduces interprocess communication. 
   A smaller value of STRENGTH increases interprocess 
   communication, but also increases the likelihood of a 
   security breach.  An extremely vigorous process or 
   one passing an enormous amount of data to _condom_ 
   will increase the chance of _condom_'s failure.  The 
   default STRENGTH is 80%. 

 -t TEXTURE Valid TEXTUREs are... 

   rough (default) 
   ribbed 
   bumps 
   lubricated (provides smoother interaction between 
               processes) 

 WARNING: The use of an external application to _condom_ in 
order to reduce friction between processes has been proven in 
benchmark tests to decrease _condom_'s strength factor!  If execution 
speed is important to your process, use the '-t lubricated' option. 

DIAGNOSTICS 
 _condom_ terminates with one of the following exit codes... 

 -1 An attempt was made to use _condom_ on a floppy disk. 

  0 _condom_ exited successfully (no data was passed to 
  the synchronous process). 

  1 _condom_ failed and data was allowed through.  The 
  danger of transmission of an STV or the forking of a child 
  process is inversely proportional to the number of other 
  protections employed and is directly proportional to 
  the ages of the processes involved. 

BUGS 
 _condom_ is NOT 100% effective at preventing a child process 
from being forked or at deterring the invasion of a virus (although 
the System Administrator General has deemed that _condom_ is the most 
effective means of preventing the spread of system transmitted 
viruses).  See celibacy(1) for information on a 100% effective program 
for preventing these problems. 
 Remember... the use of sex(1) and other related routines 
should only occur between mature, consenting processes.  If you must 
use sex(1), please employ _condom_ to protect your process and your 
synchronous process.  If we are all responsible, we can stop the 
spread of STVs. 

AUTHORS and HISTORY 
 The original version of _condom_ was released in Roman times 
and was only marginally effective.  With the advent of modern 
technology, _condom_ now supports many more options and is much more 
effective. 
 The current release of _condom_ was written by Ken Maupin at 
the University of Washington (maupin@cs.washington.edu) and was last 
updated on 10/7/92. 

SEE ALSO 
 celibacy(1), sex(1), pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and 
setiud(3


Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great
doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our 
children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...
LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Cedame Sends Both of These:

This old, decrepit looking man walks up to a whore house and knocks
on the door.  A prostitute opens the door and says, "Boy, you look
liked you've had it!"  The old man then says, "I did? How much do I
owe you?"
<<<=-=>>>
A minister walks by an old, old lady sitting on a park bench who has
her head down and seems to be staring at nothing in particular.  He
walks over and sits down beside her and says, "You know, you should
be thinking of the hereafter."

She looks up at him and says, "I do that all the time.  No matter
where I go I say to myself, 'what am I here after' ?"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>> advertisement <<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

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restaurants, and travel companies. Lifetime membership and unlimited 
use of CoolSavings is FREE! Your privacy is guaranteed. Enroll now 
and join over 1 million  other smart shoppers.
http://websponsors.com/cgi-bin/cs.pl?bn=txt&username=plazapalooza

<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother
and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to
another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept
repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why
did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to 
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A
child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My
wife's first husband."
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Stan Kegal Sends:

For many generations a family had raised cotton in a lush southern
valley. Unfortunately, the boll weevil came to call and for three
seasons their crop was wiped out. The younger members of the family
urged their patriarch to leave the cursed valley which was driving
them to ruin but he refused, saying, . . .  "Though I live in the
valley in the shadow of debt, I will fear no weevil!   


In the afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and
relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red
standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop.  Our guy rolls
down the window.
   "How can I help you?" 

   "I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?" 
With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed
guy and drives away.  Not even five minutes thereafter he comes across
another guy. 

This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and
waving him to stop.  A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window.
   "What can I do for you?" 

   "I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?"
Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of coke and
takes off again.  In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he
decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what.  

To his frustration he sees another guy on the side, dressed all in blue,
making a hand signal to stop him.  Not quite willing, our guy decides to
stop a last time, rolls his window down and yells to the guy, "So, you
blue bastard of the asphalt, whadda YOU wanna have?" 

   "Driver's license and registration please." 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

 A rather drunk man was walking along the street one day . He was
staggering  quite a bit and made two nuns that were approaching him, very
nervous.

 The two nuns split apart and one walked to the man's left and one walked
to the man's right.

 After the nuns were past the man, he turned around and said," now how in
the hell did she do that"?


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

An American business man visiting Helsinki has a hooker sent to his
room. When they are done, he says, "I'm afraid my Finnish isn't very
good."
The hooker says, "Your foreplay isn't too hot either."
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

I received a phone call yesterday and the only thing I could hear on the
line was heavy breathing, so I repeated, "Hello? Who is this?"

My caller whispered, "I bet you want me to come round to your house, take
you upstairs into your bedroom," [more heavy breathing here] "...undress
you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you until morning."

"Geez," I replied, "and you can tell all that just from 'Hello'?"  *baeg*


OK...Bare with me, oops, BEAR with me on this one here for a few, this is
gonna require a bit of a lead in...the following joke was submitted by one
of my charter subscribers whom sent me some encouraging words when I
bombed with a dead programmer joke a while back, so for the remote
possibility that there is still SOMEBODY out there SOMEWHERE who hasn't
heard this one yet ... here ya go...

Hanry Sends:

Energizer Joke for all you sick puppies out there...

One day they found the Energizer Bunny dead.  So they performed an
autopsy to see how and why the Energizer Bunny died.  They were 
surprised to see that he died by having too much sex.  Upon further
investigation, they discovered that the batteries were in backward, and the
Energizer Bunny had died because he kept on coming, and coming, and
coming, and coming...

Oooooo.  ;-)  Take care of yourself, and keep on enjoying life and your
computer.  Do you still think you're going through your second childhood?

Hanry

<<-- And he has the nerve to call US sick puppies?  Hanry, Hanry, Hanry...
Your sig file includes not only where you work, but all your phone numbers,
fax, and home as well... Wonder how much it's worth not to publish that
info to the 15,000+ HaHa members you just pissed off....Oh, this is too
sweet *baeg* public blackmail.  You need a refresher on
 "Stealth Joke Submissions 101" and for a limited time only, if you act
fast, I'll include a FREE gift...
"DANGER! DANGER! 100 Things NOT to Say when the Humor List Editor is a
Redhead"

Imagine what it could have been if I *didn't* like Hanry! *eg*

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Jules Sends:

The bank manager noticed the new clerk was quite skillful at counting 
money and adding up figures. "Where did you get your finance education?" 
he asked.

"Yale," replied the lad.

"And what's your name?" asked the manager.

"Yim Yohnston," he replied.



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Tazzy Sends:

>From a book called, "Wisdom From The Walls," by Kristen Kammerer 
and Bridget Snyder.

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
     * Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
     * Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
If you can piss this high, join the fire department.
     * On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet, O'Ryan's
      Irish Pub, Ashland, Oregon
Beauty is only a light switch away.
     * Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
     * Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all
     get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
     * Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
     * Rest stop off Route 81.  West Virginia.
God made pot.  Man made beer.  Who do you trust?
     * The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
     * The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
     putting up with her shit.
     * Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
     * Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Arizona
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
     * Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
     * Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona
Make love, not war.  Hell, do both, get married!
     * Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana
God is dead.  -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead.  -God
     * The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, D.C.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
     * Revolution Books, New York, New York
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to
     have trouble with it.
     * Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas
JESUS SAVES!  But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
     * Men's restroom, American University, Washington, D.C.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
     Congress!
     * Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, D.C.
867-5309
     * Men's restroom, Duke Nukem 3d, first scenario, first level.
Watch out for Gay Limbo Dancers
     * Inside toilet stall door, Men's restroom, ???
Express Lane: Five beers or less
     * Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Pheonix, AZ
You're too good for him.
     * Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,
CA.
No wonder you always go home alone.
     * Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.



David & Shala Send:

There once was a girl from Arden    
who sucked off a man in the garden.
I said "My dear Flo
where does all that stuff go?"
And she (gulp), "I beg your pardon".

In the garden of Eden laid Adam
complacently stroking his madam.
So great was his mirth
for in all of the earth
there were only two balls and he had them.

An Argentine Gaucho named Bruno
said "Fucking is one thing I do know,
All Women are fine 
and sheep are devine,
but Llamas are Numero Uno".

There was a young girl from Wheeling,
whenever she'd get the feeling,
she'd lay on her back
and tickle her crack
and piss all over the ceiling.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a
woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until 
they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner.



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Rebuttal:

Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go
all sour and vinegary and give you a headache
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Q. How do you know when your staying in an Alabama hotel?
A. When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"
   and the person at the desk says "go ahead."

Q. How do you make a dog drink?
A. Put it in a blender.

Q. Why is Monica Lewinsky a better American then the rest of us?
A. When we want some dick in the White House, all we do is vote.

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Only one. But, it takes a long time and it has to want to change.

Q. If you're in France, and you're attacked by a very large dog,
   what's the best way to defend yourself?
A. Step on it.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left the little bastard.

Q. What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a
   tree would kill you?
A. A pool table.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What do you call a sheep that does housework?
A. A threat to women everywhere.

Q. Why do nursing homes give viagra to their male patients?
A. To keep them from rolling out of bed

Q. Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill?
A. She's tired of his balls hitting her in the face.


Cowboy Wisdom:

* Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. 
* There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works. 
* Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. 
* It doesn't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. 
* Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. 
* Always drink upstream from the herd. 
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back. 
* The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put 
   it back in your pocket. 
* A smart ass just doesn't fit in a saddle. 
* Never miss a good chance to shut up. 
* Work like you don't need the money. 
* Dance like no one is watching. 
* Love like you've never been hurt. 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Alan Dyer Sends:

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage 
direction. In my script it clearly said 'Enter Juliette from the rear'.

<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray?

  It's for Dickheads!
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

One day a bachelor who was a poor tipper walked into his favorite 
restaurant and ordered lunch.

A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip.
When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his "generosity" and 
she said she could tell the character of a diner by the way he tipped.

"Well, what could you tell about me?" he asked.

"You put three pennies in a neat row," said the waitress, "and that shows 
you are a very tidy person. The first penny tells me you are a frugal, 
and the second tells me that you are a bachelor."

"That's true," he agreed. "But what does the third penny tell you?"

"The third penny tells me your Father was a bachelor, too."


This old couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at a
dinner sponsored by their family and friends. Just before they were
to walk up and take their seats at the head table, the husband pulls
his wife aside and tells her; " Its been a wonderful 50 years, you
have been a wonderful wife and a wonderful mother to our children.
No regrets".

Then she says; "Yes, it has been a wonderful 50 years, you have been
a wonderful husband, and a wonderful father to our children, and I
only have two regrets".

Whereupon the husband throws up his hands and asks "What, what?".

She replies that "for 50 years, when ever we have had sex, you have
always been on top; and the second is that for 50 years you have
picked your nose".

The husband says "I can explain, I can explain. When I left the old
country, my father took me aside and told me... 'Son, whatever you
do, keep your nose clean, and don't fuck up'".

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Q:  What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? 
A:  Snowballs



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

I read recently that Luciano Pavarotti was planning to retire 5 years
from now.
Funny, I thought he would stick around for at least another tenor
fifteen years.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible
screams of pain and torture coming from inside.

She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"

He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled
into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their
heads for their halos."

She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to
Hell."

St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."

She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that." 


Children have a keen sense of sound and when this attribute is combined
with their prolific imagination they arrive at some weird combinations of
words they think they have heard...

There was the little girl who returned after Sunday school and told her
mother of a cross-eyed hairy animal named Gladly. After a lot of
questioning mother was able finally to decipher: ... "Gladly, my
cross-eyed bear."

Reminds me of one I heard at my church a long time ago.  A young kid 
thought the words to a particular hymn went "Lead on, oh Kinky Turtle"
("Lead on, oh King Eternal").

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

THE CREATION STORY AS TOLD BY A DOG

First God created the dog.

Next, God created man to serve the dog.

Then, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food
for the dog.

Next, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the
dog.

After that, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not
retrieve it.

Then, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man
broke.

And last, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog. 


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Q:  What do you do in case of fall out?
A:  Put it back in and take shorter strokes.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

More Differences Between Men & Women:

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, 
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if
Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack 
will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of
them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want
change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket
calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out
to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left
in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping.
He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit,
then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a
plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her
dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet
are under the  desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man
will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear 
every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were
hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is
finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always
expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth
perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She 
knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and 
best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  A
man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


It was dead winter and colder than hell, when Billy Bob noticed his
outdoor toilet was full.  Now that was a problem he didn't know how to
handle,  so Billy searched out Clem for advice.  Clem told Billy that the
thought they could use dynamite to clean out the hole.  He just happened
to have a few sticks left from a job he done the past summer.

The next day Clem went over to Billy's house and they both looked down the
hole.  Clem said, "Yep, its full.  I think this one will take two sticks!"

So he and Billy got busy, put the dynamite in the hole and put a long fuse
to it.  They were standing behind the wood pile nearby when Billy's wife
Sally came running out of the house and headed straight for the toilet.  

Billy and Clem both yelled and hollered for Sally to stop, but she kept
going and said, "I don't have time to stop and talk, I gotta take care of
business."  

WELL lo and behold, Sally no more than got seated and the whole toilet
blew up.  Boards and shit flew all over.  

Sally picked herself off the ground, looked at Billy and Clem and said,
"WHEW, I am sure glad that I didn't let that one go in the house!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Tazzy Sends:

Why did Bill Clinton name his dog buddy?

He didnt want Hillary walking thru the White House yelling " Come Spot!,
Come Spot!"


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>


Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and
I am a S N A G."  Another guy says, "What's that?"  Larry says, "That
means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another guy says, "My name is Gary, and I am a D I N K."
A girl at the bar asks, "What's that?"  He says, "That means I am a 
Double Income, No Kids."

A lady says, "That's nice.  My name is Trixie, and I am a W I F E."  
Larry says, "A W I F E ?  What's a W I F E ?"
She says, "Oh you know, that means, "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."


Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile, 
just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy 
and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"

The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"
So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the 
plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to 
land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to 
land, and he sees an airstrip close by.

He says to his new buddy, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good
a place as any."

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last 
minute he swerves and pulls back up. "Shit!" he says, "That is the 
SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to 
land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try 
again, with the same result.

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, 
I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just 
going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and 
miraculously neither is hurt.

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swears 
and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever 
designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No
one could land on anything that short!"

The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

I tried to connect to the Vatican's web site.

It said: "Host is not responding".


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

THIS JOB IS A TEST.
IT IS ONLY A TEST.
IF IT HAD BEEN A REAL JOB,
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FOLLOWED BY
RAISES, BONUSES, AND PROMOTIONS.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Clinton died and went to heaven -- or to be more accurate -- approached
the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who
goes there?" inquired St. Peter. 

"It's me, Bill Clinton" 

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter. 

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton. 
"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?" 

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you
shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had
extra- marital sex  -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I
didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit
perjury." 

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the
deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it
'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't
call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't
hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over." 



The local United Way office realized that it had never received a
donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in
charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than
$600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to
give back to the community in some way?

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, First, did
your research also show that my mother is dying after a long
illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual
income?

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, Um... No.

Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair?

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but
was put off.

Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident, the
lawyer's voice rising in indignation, Leaving her penniless with
three children?

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, I
had no idea...

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, ... and I don't
give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, father's have Father's Day.
     What do single guys have?

A: Palm Sunday


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Dr. Bill Sends:

What do you get if you take Doan's Pills and Viagra?

A back that won't peter out and a peter that won't back out.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that
says, "Cow For Sale...$5000." 

He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth
five thousand dollars." 

The farmer says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." 

He lifts the cow's tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like a
woman.

Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It's just not
fair. Here's this farmer with a cow with a snatch like a woman, and it's
worth $5000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're
not worth shit." 



A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her 
husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband 
to be buried in a dark blue suit. 

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that
he's wearing?" 

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check
to buy one. 

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin 
and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much 
she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. 

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. 
As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a 
blue suit.  I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the 
other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit.
She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads." 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyus cry.

The hole was wide...he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the Turkey.


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. And on this day, the teacher
asked the class where they thought God lived. One little girl raised her
hand, and the teacher called upon her. "I think God lives in the sky,
because that is where heaven is." the girl replied. "That's good!" said the
teacher.

Another little boy raised his hand, and the teacher called on him.
"And where do you think God lives?" she asked. Very piously, the boy
answered "God lives in each of our hearts!" "That's VERY good," she smiled.

When she asked a third time, Little Johnny was the only one who raised his
hand. Quietly dreading his answer, the teacher asked, "And where do you
think God lives, Johnny?" "In the bathroom." he said. "In the bathroom?"
she asked, puzzled yet unable to stop herself.

"Yes, because every morning my father beats on the bathroom door and
screams 'GOD, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?' " 
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Tiffany Sends:

Twas the night before Thanksgiving and in my sleep.
Strange dreams in my mind, began to creep.

Thanksgiving leftovers beckoned --- The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation......
The thought of a snack became infatuation.....

So to the kitchen I did race, Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground !!

I crashed through the ceiling.  Floating into the sky....
With a mouthful l of pudding and a handful of pie,
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees.

HAPPY EATING TO ALL !!
PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE !!


THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING,
BUT AREN'T...

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"Are you going to come again next time?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Here's a real oldie... you can groan after dinner...

Hope nobody bought Butterball Turkeys for TG Dinner,
They've all been recalled by the FDA.

They forgot to butter the balls.

<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

THINGS TO DO TO LIVEN UP THANKSGIVING DINNER....

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the
blender, and take your "shake" back to the table.  Announce that It's the
new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say,
"I'm thankful I didn't get caught." and refuse to say anything more.

3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when 
Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the
game. 
When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions
known
to exist at turkey farms.

5. During Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't
notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for
nothing".
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Big Dog is showing Little Dog around the block.
"Sniff, sniff.  Smell that?" asks Big Dog.
"Sniff, sniff.  Sure do," says Little Dog, "what is it?"
"Fifi in heat, come on, I'll show you what to do."  So Big Dog shows 
Little Dog how to hump Fifi.

"Sniff, sniff.  Smell that?" asks Big Dog.
"Sniff, sniff.  Sure do, what's that?" asks Little Dog.
"Garbage.  Come on, I'll show you what to do."  So Big Dog shows 
Little Dog how to raid the garbage can.

Pretty soon, Big Dog goes over to the fire hydrant and takes a leak on it.
"Wait a minute," says Little Dog, "I understand about Fifi and I understand
about the garbage, but what is this hiking on the hydrant thing?"
"Hey," says Big Dog, "if you can't screw it and you can't eat it, piss on
it!"



Movie Title Translations Taken from the New York Times:

1.'There's Something About Mary' in Thailand is 'My True Love Will
Stand All Outragous Events.'

2.'Leaving Las Vegas' in Hong Kong is 'I'm Drunk and You're A
Prostitute.'

3.'Field of Dreams' in Hong Kong is 'Imaginary Dead Baseball Players
Live In My Cornfield.'

4.'The Crying Game' in Hong Kong is 'Oh No! My Girlfriend Has A
Penis.'

5.'Babe' in Chinese is 'The Happy Dumpling-To-Be Who Talks and Solves
Agricultural Problems.'

6.'My Best Friend's Wedding' in Chinese is 'Help! My Pretend Boyfriend
Is Gay.'

7.'George of the Jungle' in Chinese is 'Big Dumb Monkey Man Keeps
Whacking Tree With Genitals.'

8.'Batman and Robin' in Chinese is 'Come To My Cave and Wear This
Rubber Codpiece, Cute Boy.'

9.'Barb Wire' in Chinese is 'Delicate Orbs of Womanhood Bigger Than
Your Head Can Hurt You.'

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Why are beer cans so easy to open?
Simple, look at who is opening them.



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

What's the difference between a circus ringleader and a chorus line?
One has cunning feats and stunts...
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Some Phrases You May Find Useful if You Win One of Those
Hawaiian Sweepstakes Vacations:

*Checking in to the Hotel:

This is a wonderful room for a dwarf.
He lumi maika'i keia e ku pololei ana i ke kanaka peke. 

How nice of you to find a bed that will fit my leg!
Mahalo nui loa ia 'oe, ua loa'a mai kahi moe kupono o ka nui no ko'u wawae
'akau wale no! 

This view of your parking lot is incredible! 
He kuikawa ka 'ikena o kela wahi ho'oku ka'a e waiho kala'e ihola ma 'o! 

It's a lovely gift, now please unwrap the toilet seat.
A 'o ia, he makana maika'i loa keia; aka, nau no e ho'ohemo i ka wahi pepa
ma
luna o ka noho lua la, ke 'olu'olu. 

*Eating Dinner:

My wife will pay the bill when she returns.
Aia no a ho'i mai ka'u wahine, nana ka pila e uku aku. 

These really nice napkins seem to match my underclothing.
Ku maika'i keia mau kawele pepa i ke 'ano o ko'u 'a'ahu palema'i. 

This Merlot is an ungrateful bitch.
He kanapapiki mahalo 'ole keia mea inu Merlot ia'u. 

Waiter, my papaya has been previously fondled!
E ke kuene, ua milimili 'e 'ia neia mikana! 

The busboy has cursed me and I am ashamed. 
Ua ho'ohalahala 'ia mai nei au na ke kuene, a hilahila ihola au. 

Pardon my flatulence, but I had refried beans and poi for breakfast.
E kala mai i ka palale, i ka palali; aka ua 'ai aku nei i papapa mo'alua a
me
ka poi i ke kakahiaka nei. 

*Speaking to the Customs Agent:

I greatly admire your machine pistol.
Ke mahalo nui aku nei au i ko pu. 

Yes I have something to declare, "I need a shower!" 
Ae, he mea ko'u e ho'ike aku ai, "He pono no ka ho'i ke 'au'au kililau!" 

Nice doggie! (Now be on your way, please).
He u'i maika'i 'oe, e na 'ilio kipa wale mai, o 'auana hele aku 'oe 'ano. 

How completely you have ripped my bags apart! 
Pau weluwelu ka'u mau ukana i kou 'ano he makaukau, tsa! 

Hold me, I am feeling faint.
E pa'a puliki mai, 'ane'ane ko'u maka i ka poniuniu. 

Mommie, make the bad man go away.
E Mama, e kipaku ho'olele aku 'oe i ke kanaka 'ino. 

*Getting on the Bus:

That was a most unusual sound. Did you eat a big breakfast? 
He kani 'ano 'e loa kela. Ua 'ai nui anei 'oe ma ke kakahiaka? 

You must be very proud of your large hat.
Ha'aheo no paha 'oe i kena papale kupalaka, pehea la. 

May I sleep on your lap? 
I hiamoe au ma luna o kou 'uha? 

How tenderly you have nudged my buttocks with your beach bag.
Nani ka pa lihi o kena 'eke holoholo i hope o'u nei. 

*Doctors on Call:

Can wearing a thong and running on the beach cause a rash like this? 
Ua pili anei keia 'ohune i ke komo hawele li a me ka holo wawae ma
kahakai? 

Damn it, man, what the hell kind of a doctor are you anyway? 
E ke kamipulu, pehea la kou 'ano kauka 'ana mai? 



 The Bedroom Handicap  1:45am
>      
>      Betting Odds
>      
>      Living Bra  10-1
>      Silk Panties  8-1
>      Fair Conscience  40-1
>      Passionate Lady 7-2
>      Love Juice  4-1
>      Lovely Legs  9-1
>      White Thighs  13-2
>      Big Dick  2-1
>      Clean Sheets  100-1
>      Pyjamas  7-1
>      Bare Back  11-2
>      
>      Commentary
>      
>      There off!  Silk Panties and Pyjamas were first off.  Clean 
>      Sheets is in a dangerous position and Fair Conscience was left at 
>      the post. Passionate Lady and White Thighs are very close 
>      together with Big 
> Dick
>      trying to force his way through.
>      
>      At the turn, Passionate Lady under pressure, while White Thighs 
>      and Lovely Legs are drawing apart with Big Dick trying to force 
>      his way into the gap.
>      
>      It's a fight between Passionate Lady and Big Dick.  Big Dick is 
>      doing everything in his power to get a spurt up before its too 
>      late. White Thighs and Lovely Legs are fully extended and foaming 
>      at the mouth.  But it not over yet... Big Dick has made a quick 
>      spurt to 
> win
>      by a length.
>      
>      Summary
>      
>      Big Dick looked a winner from the outset.  White Thighs and 
>      Lovely Legs opened out, Passionate Lady proved to be game all the 
>      way.
>        
>      SilkPanties dropped out at the start, Love Juice ran badly and 
>      interfered with Clean Sheets.  Fair Conscience wasn't a 
>      common factor. On the whole it was a tight finish and very 
>      thrilling in the
>      closing stages.  Tragedy of the race was Living Bra, who was torn 
>      at the third fence and had to be destroyed.  Bare Back was 
>      scratched...


Some People are Like Potatoes:

1. Some people are very bossy and like to tell everyone what to do, but
of course they do not wish to soil their hands.  You might call that
type "Dick Tator."

2. Some people never seem to be motivated to participate.  They are
content to watch while others do.  They are "Speck Tators."

3. Some people never do anything to help, but they are gifted at finding
fault with the way others do things.  They might be called "Comment
Taters."

4. Some people are always looking for ways to cause problems.  They look
or others to agree with them.  You call them "Aggie Taters."

5. Then there are those who always say they will, but somehow never get
around to doing anything.  They are "Hezzie Taters."

6. Some people put on a front and act like they are someone they are
not.  They are "Emma Taters."

7. Still, there are those who live what they talk.  They are always
prepared to stop what they are doing to lend a hand.  They bring real
sunshine into others' lives.    You might call them "Sweet Taters."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The Olympic officials plan to give EACH athlete competing in 
the 2000 Olympics 51 condoms.  The Olympics last 17 days. 
Do the math.  How can they even walk?

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Windows Error #021
This virus requires Microsoft Windows.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The Following are All Quotes from 11 Year Olds' Science Exams:

* "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water."

* "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of
the bull."

* "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

* "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

* "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

* "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire."

* "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

* "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which
there
are five - a, e, i, o and u."

* "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

* "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
Artificial Perspiration."

* "For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above
the
hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical
doctor."

* "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

* "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends
towards
the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a
vacuum. I
forget where the sun joins in this fight."

* "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

* "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

* "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."  


More Absurd Warning Labels:

- On an infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.

- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.

- On a disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.

- On a handgun: 
Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. 

- On a piano:
Harmful or fatal if swallowed.

- On a can of Fix-a-Flat:
Not to be used for breast augmentation.

- On work gloves:
For best results, do not leave at crime scene.

- On a blender:
Not for use as an aquarium.

- On a microscope: 
Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.

- On children's alphabet blocks:
Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be
deemed offensive.

- On a wet suit:
Capacity: 1.

- On The Washington Post:
Do not cut up and use for blackmail note..


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Q:  What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in 
      the bathtub ?
A:  A woman in church has hope in her soul
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

There was this man who had a dog which he was attempting to train, but alas
had very little success. He was on the verge of despair when he happened
across a very charismatic American evangelist. He unburdened his soul to
the
American, who promptly informed him to leave the dog with him, and he would
have it trained in a jiffy.

The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist got on. The reply
was positive, and the evangelist calls the dog to give a demonstration.
Picking up a stick, he throws it and says, "Fetch." Instantly the dog takes
off, grabs the stick and returns. The evangelist says, "Drop" and the dog
drops the stick at his feet.

"Roll over," and the dog rolls over. By this time the dog's owner is very
excited, and asks if he can have a go. "Sure," replies the evangelist.
"Heel," says the owner and the dog lifts one paw, places it on the man's
forehead and says, "I command this sickness to leave you..."


There was an old married couple that had happily lived 
together for nearly forty years.  The only friction in their 
marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking 
wind nearly every morning as he awoke. 

The noise would always wake up his wife, and the smell 
would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and 
gasp for air.  Nearly every morning she would plead with 
him to stop ripping one in the morning.  He told her that he 
couldn't help it.  She begged him to see a doctor to see if 
anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it.  
He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and 
then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the 
fumes away with her hands.  She told him that there was 
nothing natural about it, and if he didn't stop, he was one 
day going to "shoot his guts out."

The years went by, and the wife continued to suffer, and the 
husband continued to ignore her warnings about "shooting
his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning.  Before dawn, 
the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast.

She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, made gravy and, 
of course, a turkey.  While she was taking out the turkey's 
innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might 
solve her husband's problem.  With a devilish grin on her face, 
she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked 
upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.  
While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers 
and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. 

She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's 
underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed 
back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his 
normal loud butt trumpeting.  This was soon followed by a 
blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps 
as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

The wife could not control herself, and her eyes began to tear 
up as she rolled on the floor laughing.  After years of putting 
up with him she had finally gotten even.  

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs 
in his blood-stained underpants with a look of horror in his 
eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing, and she asked 
him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right - 
all those years you warned me, and I didn't listen to you." 

"What do you mean?" innocently asked his wife.

"Well you always told me that I would end up shooting my 
guts out one of these days and today it finally happened.  
But by the grace of good Lord and these two fingers, I think 
I got 'em all back in."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Bill Sends:

Monica went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to remove her lovehandles.
 
When she awoke from the anesthesia, she found her ears were missing.


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Mary had a little lamb
It was giving her the shits
She got her daddy's shotgun
And blew the lamb to bits

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Top Ten Signs That You're Going To Have A Dysfunctional, 
White-Trash Family Thanksgiving 

by  H. Kent Craig 

1.Little sister Sue catches Mama adding a box of Ex-Lax to her special 
brown gravy to insure that everyone will "be regular" afterwards. 

2.Cousin Jen shows up wearing her new mink stole that has a blaze-orange
circle-and-slash painted on the back of it, and proudly displays her
summons
for her court date to answer for beating the crap out of the animal rights
activists who ruined her new coat. 

3.Brother Bobby, who just flew in for Thanksgiving from some unnamed South
American country, keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box and fiddling
with his 
"piece" in a low-profile belt holster while nervously spying from the
kitchen bay
window up and down the street with binoculars . 

4.Cousin Mikey shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters sister
Julie,
who is his sister by his father and his oldest full sister. 

5.Uncle Max coughs and sputters up in his rusty old pickup, and asks those
attending if anyone has a fresh pouch of "Redman" chewing tobacco that he
can shove down into the transmission to keep it from leaking all the fluid
out
until he can make back home. 

6.Aunt Carly shows up with Carole, who is her new "best friend" as well as
being her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and Domme who is
also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer Show. 

7.Second-cousin Billy Joe brings as his guest his current analyst, who's
doing
his doctoral thesis in primitive societal familial subcultures. 

8.Uncle Peter, who's legally blind but can see some shapes and colors and
shadows, and who also got legally blind fucking stone drunk before ever 
showing up with his wife Aunt Millie, keeps "accidentally" nearly falling
into 
all the women and copping feels as he seeks to regain his balance. 

9.13-year-old cousin Timmy asks his Uncle Bobby if he can borrow his
thermal-melt scale device, so he can check the purity of an eight-ball
"rock"
he just bought from your Dad. 

10.Uncle Ralph serves the turkey flambe' by pouring some his famous 
homemade 'shine all over it and igniting it with a flick from his
unfiltered 
Camel cigarette, creating a ball of flame that alights what hair is left
on 
Uncle Peter's head and gives third-degree burns to his balding pate,
filling 
the dining room with the stench of roasting human as well as turkey flesh, 
as 911 is called for the second time on this special Thanskgiving holiday. 


Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in
back.  Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night
and had the best meal ever.  Good prices too."

Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too.  What was the name of the
restaurant?"

Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little.  What's
the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?"
Sam says, "How about rose?"

"Yes, yes,  that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife.
"Rose.  Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last
night?"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber
with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender,
"This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"

The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you
say!"

The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"
The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife
and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"

The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's
head and says, Alright, now give me a blowjob!"

"Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!"

The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets
excited, he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the
floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold
the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!"


Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Barman says, "Hey, you're a duck"

"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.

"Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK" says the barman.

"Guess your ears are fine, too," answers the duck. "Now, can I have a
beer
please."

Barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area.

"Oh," says the duck. "I work on the building site over the road. We'll
be
here
for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint."

And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and
has
his lunchtime lager.

Next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. Circus owner
comes
in
for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck.

"You should get it into your circus," he says. "Make a lot of bucks out
of
a
talking duck. I'll speak to him about it."

Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime.

Barman says: "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was
chatting
to
the owner. He's very interested in you."

"Really?" says the duck.

"Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you
easily."

"Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"

"That's right."

"That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the
middle?"

"Yeah!"

"That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck.

"Of course," replied the barman."I can get you a job there starting
tomorrow.
The circus owner's dead keen."

The duck looked very puzzled.

"What the fuck would he want with a plasterer?


One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating
peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his
mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question,
and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in
pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance,
and after hours of trying they became worried and decided
to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came
home with her date. After being informed of the problem,
their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and
daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted
that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man
out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone
the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful.
Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he
grows older?!"

The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not
half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me,
and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

 
<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

More Computer Terms:

BIT:  A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's
         computer cost quite a bit."

BOOT:   What your friends give you because you spend too much time
              bragging about your computer skills.

BUG:  What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny computer screen 
           for more than 15 minutes.   Also: what computer magazine 
           companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing
list.

CHIPS:  The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid
              having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY:  What you have to do during school tests because you spend
              too much time at the computer and not enough studying.

CURSOR: What you turn into when you can't get your computer to
                 perform, as in "You $#% computer!"

DISK:  What goes out in your back after bending over a computer
            keyboard for several hours.

DUMP:  The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you
              get a new computer.

ERROR:  What you made the first time you walked into a computer
                showroom to "just look."

EXPANSION UNIT:  The new room you have to build on to your home to 
                                   house your computer and all its
peripherals.

FILE:  What your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half  hours a 
           day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.

FLOPPY:  The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due
                  to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food  (see
chips).

HARDWARE:  Tools, such as lawn mowers, rakes and other heavy  equipment 
                         you haven't laid a finger on since getting your
computer.

IBM:  The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to
drop 
          on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.

MENU: What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll
             be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

MONITOR:   Often thought to be a word associated with computers,  this word
                     actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always
want to see your
                     hall pass at school.

PROGRAMS:   Those things you used to look at on your television before you 
                         hooked your computer up to it.

RETURN:   What lots of people do with their computers after only a week
and a half.

TERMINAL:  A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals 
                      on hot computers.


WINDOW:   What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase 
                     a program that took you three days to set up.



Hello Friends,

I am Steve Caze, newly crowned Grand Caliph of the Internet. Welcome to
AOLscape, the latest member of the AOL family. Let me describe to you
some wonderful features of this new kickass browser.

10) After extensive scientific research, we have determined that the
single most important thing an AOL user wants is to know what other AOL
users are wearing. I must admit that this question has caught me
unawares at times when I went surfing in my lavender pajamas (*blush*).

Nonetheless, this is what my users want, and this is what they will get.
The new browser will feature a "what-R-U-wEaRiNg???" button. This is the
default AOL spelling, but you may change it as you wish.

9) Annoying ads:

Obviously you're wondering who would want these. Well, my 14 million
members do. And now you will too. :)

8) My new internet vision:

My vision is based on one thing, and one thing only - free daily porn in
your email!

Frankly, at times I suspect this is the stuff our members live for.
Membership has skyrocketed since we started getting spammed up the ass.
Earlier I used to get irritated to find this crap every time I opened my
inbox, but now I've grown to enjoy it first thing in the morning with a
fresh cup of coffee. Of course, now you will too. ;)

7) L33t Hax0r mode:

The new browser will feature this advanced mode meant for elite teenage
hackers and connoisseurs of warez. Allow me to illustrate this with an
example.

Normal user message: "Hi"

L33t Hax0r message : "y0! aNy1 g0t aNy l33t mp3 wAr3z??? i g0t pr0n iN
exChaNg3"

6) Your Friendly Neighborhood AOL guides (formerly known as Mozilla
hackers):

Yep, all those mozilla programmers will now troll through AOL "rooms"
preventing cybersex. Let's face it, it's a damn lot more fun than
debugging unix code.

5) The internet:

Now people will be able to use the internet. From AOL. Imagine.

4) Annoying noises:

The rest of the net has been missing this basic feature. Now everytime
you have new mail, your browser will say (yep, you guessed it) "You've
got mail!". I apologize if you find this irritating, but AOL users are a
little slow, if you catch my drift. Anyway, this goes great with feature
#8.

3) A raised middle finger to Microsoft:

This will now be an icon on the toolbar. I've wanted to do this for a
long time. Damn bastards! Making me buy their lousy @!#%?%^%*#  PoS
browser! Take THAT, suckers!

2) New browser logo:

That stupid "N" with flying comets will be replaced by a picture of my
handsome smiling face. (Damn! I love my job!)

(Note to BillG: This is ONE thing you can't buy, buddy.)



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

The Following is a Public Cervix Announcement, uh... Service :p

Q: What's the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian?
A: One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The day after Thanksgiving is Nationally observed as TURKEY DAY!  More
people simultaneously fart turkey, eat turkey, & shit turkey on this
day more than any other day of the year.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what
would you like for Christmas ?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then
gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail ?"


I Cannot Go To School Today!

"I cannot go to school today"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.

My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks, 
I've counted sixteen chicken pox.

And there's one more-that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,
It might be the instamatic flu.

I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke.
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in.

My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My toes are cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.

My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.

My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There's a hole inside my ear.

I have a hangnail, and my heart is...
What? What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is .......Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"

by Shel Silverstein in "Where the Sidewalk Ends"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A Catholic chauffeur was bragging to his friend how well the Jewish family
who employed him treated him.

"You wouldn't believe it," he said. "I get tips galore, and they always
buy me
lunch or dinner when I drive. My salary is great, with benefits! I get off
all
holidays, including the Jewish ones, like Rosh Hashanah."

"That sounds pretty good," said the friend. "But what's Rosh Hashanah?"

"Oh, that's when they blow the shofar."

"Wow!" said the amazed friend. "Those are SOME benefits!" 



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go
before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must
decide
which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go
to Heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're
the most perfect tits God ever created, and I'm sure it'll please him to
be able to see them every day for eternity."

St. Peter thanks Dolly and asks Queen Liz the same question. She then
drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,
shakes it up, and douches with it.

St.Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two
of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, hygiene act, and gets
in and I don't?!!!"

"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "But a royal flush beats a pair any day."
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

One day, 3 men wanted to join a certain cult so they approached the high
priest of that cult. The high priest told the three men to do a bad thing
each. The three men went home.

The next day, they returned. The high priest asked the first man what bad
thing he had done. The man said, "I killed a man." The high priest said,
"Very good. Now go drink the unholy water and become one of us."

The priest asked the second man the same question. The second man
replied, "I robbed this woman, raped her and then I killed her." The high
priest was very impressed. "Go drink the unholy water and join your new
brothers."

When the priest asked the third man the same question. The man replied,
"I urinated in the unholy water."


A squirrel goes into a bar, and slams his keys down on the counter.
It's been a long hard day and he's dying for a pint.  He hears some
giggling over in the corner, and looks over only to see a group of
horses, pointing and laughing at him.  He decides that he'll show them a
thing or two, and he orders 10 pints.  He very quickly downs these, and
looks over again.  The horses are still laughing at him!  Well, he tells
himself, I'll show them, and he orders another 10.  After he has these
finished, he's feeling a little tipsy, and decides that he should go to
the bathroom.  As he staggers out, he sees that the horses in the corner
are still laughing, this time harder than ever.  Right, he says, lets
sort this out, and he gets the barman to line him up 10 whiskies, which
he drinks in 30 seconds.  At this stage, he's getting really pissed off
with the horses, so he decides that enough is enough, and he'll head
home.  On his way out the door, he remembers that he forgot to bring his
keys, and very drunkenly returns to the bar, and tries to get them.  The
barman says" there's no way I'm letting you drive home!  You're far too
drunk!" to which the squirrel replies " No, I'm locked out of me tree!"

Two biscuits walk into a bar and one of them says to the other "You're
round!"    


Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The
father
goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The
son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with
boobies
a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says,"The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back
to
play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with
dingers
a
lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber
they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and
says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw
and
the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

******************************************************************
What do you call hemorroids on a gay man?

Speed-Bumps

******************************************************************

A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her
mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she
exclaims,"I don't have any money... but I'll do anything to get a
message
to
my mother in Poland!!!"

To that the man asks, "Anything?"

And the blonde says, "Yes.... ANYTHING!!" With that the man says,
"Follow
me!"

He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."

She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees."She does. He then
says,
"Take down my zipper." She does.Then he says, "Go ahead, take it out."

With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the
man
says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!!"

She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very
closely
to
her lips, she says, "HELLO, Mum?"

******************************************************************
A university writing class was asked to write an essay that contained
religion, royalty, sex and mystery.
The winning entry read: "My God!," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant! I
wonder
who did it?"

******************************************************************
How do you teach a blonde math?
Subtract her clothes divide, her legs and square root her


Dear Friends, 

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell
you what I have been up to.

Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn
wood and a glue gun. I hand-painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and
made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I
made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my
craft room. 

By then, it was time to start making the placemats and napkins for my 20
breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stuart twelve-course
breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to
make the table and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into dining room, I decided to add just a touch of
the holidays. So, I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on
the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique
candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use
for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in
almost any Hungarian craft store. 

Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing
for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office
as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making. 

Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long -- I have 40,000 cranberries
to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a
good thing. 

Love,

Martha Stewart 



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Diet for Holiday Stress & Overeating

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up 
during the Holidays and will help reduce overeating.

Breakfast:
     1/2 grapefruit
     1 slice whole wheat toast
     8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
    4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
    l cup steamed spinach
   1 cup herb tea
   1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
     The rest of Oreos in the package
     2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream
     1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
     2 loaves garlic bread
     4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
     1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
     3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:
    Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)


Rules for this Diet
    1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
    2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy
        bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
    3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not
        eat more than they do.
    4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot
        chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
    5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
    6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they
        are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's
        personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints,
        Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
    7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes
        calorie leakage.
    8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in 
        the process of preparing something sweet and gooey.
    9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.
        Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and
        mashed potatoes; pink grapefruit and ham.
  10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other
        food color.
  11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories.  This is due to
        gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
  12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since
        the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling
to
        his/her plate.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

>From the Butterball Turkey Hotline Where People Call to Get Advice
How to Cook a Turkey from the Experts:

* Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find
out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question,
the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The 
woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running around outside."

* Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't
Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to
know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.

* Then there's the time a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys
at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy 
replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


> TOP TEN ANSWERS MEN WOULD MOST LIKE TO GIVE  TO WOMEN'S STUPID
> QUESTIONS, BUT NEVER WILL
> -=-=-=-=-=
> 
> 10. No, we can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex.
> 
> 9. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all the fucking ice-cream
> and chocolate  you eat that makes  you look fat.
> 
> 8. You've got shit chance of me calling you.
> 
> 7. No, I wont be gentle.
> 
> 6. Of course you have to swallow.
> 
> 5. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.
> 
> 4. I hate your fucking friends.
> 
> 3. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking
> to you   after tonight.
> 
> 2. Id rather watch a stick movie.
> 
> 1. Eat it?  It took me 10 schooners to get up the courage to fuck it.
> 
> 11 things you never hear a woman say:
> -=-=-=-=-=
> 
> 1.Do you think this dress makes me look too slim ?
> 
> 2.You take me out too much, can't we just stay in ?
> 
> 3.A fake one will do.
> 
> 4 You look stressed out, let me give you a blow job.
> 
> 5. Have a night out with your mates, you deserve it.
> 
> 6. That Pamela Anderson has a lovely body.
> 
> 7. My mother is a real old bitch.
> 
> 8. No, no, you buy me too much already.
> 
> 9. Give it to me hard up the butt big boy, you know I love it.
> 
> 10.What headache ?
> 
> 11.Put your money away, let me buy the round. 
>




This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week.

One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring 
someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their 
spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the 
answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali. 
Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter:   Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?

Brian:       Yeah, sure.

Presenter:   O.K.,  Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?

Brian:       Ohhh, maaaate.  Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

Presenter:   And how long did it go for Brian?

Brian:       Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.

Presenter:   10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it mate ?

Brian:       Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.

Presenter:   There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !

Brian:       O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

Presenter:   (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now
it O.K. for us to call your wife ?

Brian:       Yeah, alright.

Presenter:   Hi Sharelle, how are you ?

Sharelle:    Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter:   (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other
line, say hello.

Sharelle:    Hi Brian.

Brian:       Hi Sharelle.

Presenter:   Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions
we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two
toBali.

Brian:       Just tell the truth Honey.

Sharelle:    O.K.

Presenter:   Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?

Sharelle:    Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

Brian:       Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

Sharelle:    O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter:   Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for
Sharelle ?

Sharelle:    (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter:That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter:   O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?

Sharelle:    Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.

Presenter:   There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

Brian:       Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter
anyway...  just tell em.

Sharelle:    Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the arse !

Radio Silence

Advert

Presenter:     Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here
and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the
holiday. Now we'll take a music break.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

"To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer." 
- Farmers' Almanac, 1978



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with
his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out
of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately. After
about a week of no news the business man received a telegram:
"The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up
yesterday..."
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The following is reprinted without permission from Consumer Reports
Magazine August 1993 in their "Selling It" section.

Easier said than done...

Every now and then we stumble across a package instruction that leaves us
scratching our head -- or raising our eyebrows. Four cases in point:

Once you've read the instructions on a box of Pepperidge Farm frozen
raspberry turnovers, it's too late to obey them: "Preheat oven to 475
degrees F before taking package from the freezer."

For incorrigible narcissists, Conair offers this safety tip with its hair
dryers: "Never use while sleeping."

A New Jersey reader was surprised to read the "patient counseling"
instructions a local pharmacist typed onto a recent prescription for her
cat. "Do not mix with alcohol," it warned. "Use caution when driving or
operating machinery." Our reader noted, "We had no idea what the cat 
was up to when he felt good!"

But the real eye-opener comes from Japanese manufacturer Yamaha.
While perusing the assembly instructions for his new Electric Grand
keyboard, a reader found a diagram showing assorted pieces of hardware
and labeled with a single Anglo-Saxon word of instruction. We can't repeat
the instruction in this family magazine, but we believe the company meant
"screw".


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
> > her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says,
> > "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long
> > vacation."
> >
> > Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
> > borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the
> > frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he
> > knows the bank manager.
> >
> > Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and
> > that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She
> > asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
> >
> > The frog says, "Sure. I have this." And he produces a tiny pink
> > porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. It's bright pink and
> > perfectly formed.
> >
> > Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the
> > manager; and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager
> > and reports: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who
> > claims to know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he
> > wants to use this as collateral."
> >
> > She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is
> > this?"
> >
> > So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick
> > knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling
> > Stone."


Learn More Better English:

Abdicate--v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Balderdash--n., a rapidly receding hairline.

Bustard--n., a very rude Metrobus driver.

Carcinoma--n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

Circumvent--n., the opening in the  front of boxer shorts.

Coffee--n., a person who is coughed upon.

Esplanade--v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Flabbergasted--adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Flatulence--n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.

Gargoyle--n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Internet--n., the web of interns in which Ken Starr has tried to snare
Bill  Clinton.

Lymph--v., to walk with a lisp.

Macadam--n., the first man on Earth, according to the Scottish bible.

Marionettes--n., residents of Washington, DC, who have been jerked 
around by the  mayor.

Negligent--adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly 
answer the door in your nightie.

Oyster--n., a person who sprinkles his or her conversation with Yiddish
expressions.

Semantics--n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood,
including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book
together just before vespers.

Testicle--n., a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude--n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he or she examines you.

Willy-nilly--adj., impotent.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Yessss...Back by Popular Demand...It's the Start of ...
<= Insert Theme from Jaws Here "do-do-do-doooo..."

 C H R I S T M A S   H U M O R   F R O M   H E L L

I opened my "Xmas Humor" folder...did that around noon...
My HD is still spinnin' up to what sounds like the tune of
"Santa Claus is Coming to Town"

There's some pretty scary stuff in there. So here we go again...

Take a peek at how Santa earns his Reindeer Feed money
during the Off-Season.

http://www.big-gyant-head.com/hahamembers/santafold.jpg



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

'Twas the night before Christmas, and boy was it neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jockeys, to cover my ass,
When down the chimmney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was al smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore.

"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying,"Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!" 


An AOL Night Before Christmas

Twas a month before Christmas
>From my wife came the wail,
"Take out the garbage
And go get the mail."

So I trudged to my mailbox
And what did I see?
Why, a miniature disc
And computer CD!

'Twas a limited offer
>From America Online,
I knew in a twinkling
That this deal was fine!

"Unlimited" access
for one little fee,
And if I didn't like it
I could cancel it free.

So I plugged the thing in
And it just wouldn't load,
The message said "Error!"
And something in code.

And this is when I
Started getting real nervous
So I waited four hours
For "Customer Service."

This techno-geek helped me
To load and install it,
Then demanded the VISA
I keep in my wallet.

So I gave him my number
And what did I spy?
"Terms and Conditions" screens
Whistling by.

Then I got me a password
Now I'd surf the Net!
But I never hit waves,
Man, I never got wet.

I soon got so mad
I was shaking and dizzy
For my modem kept trying
But lines were all busy!

And all through the month
I kept trying this thing
But all I would hear
Was the "busy" sound ring.

So I called 1-800
And the AOL number
And waited on hold
'Til I lapsed into slumber.

So I tried then to cancel
But where's the address?
Somewhere in Virginia?
It's anyone's guess.

And several days later
I heard on the news
That 8 million people
Were trying to use

This AOL network
At the very same time
And that's when this CEO
Weasel-necked Slime

Announced the solution
On how to log on,
Don't hog the phone lines
And call in at dawn!

As you can imagine
This didn't sit well
With lots of mad users
Who started to yell.

And soon the AG's
Joined them in the attack,
"Give them their money
(Or at least part of it back)!"

And this Weasle-Man leader
Tried to calm down the throng:
"Hey, I wanted those refunds
For you all along!"

So in grandiose fashion
And a big press release
Members were told
How to get back their piece.

"Just call up this number
And ask for your money,"
But then something happened
That's practically funny.

When you call up the number
(Don't get in a tizzy)
You can't get your refund
Cause the damn number's busy!

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>
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<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

What do the female reindeer do on Christmas Eve while the males
are pulling Santa's sleigh?

They go into town and blow a few bucks.



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

FruitCake Philosophy 
                    
There is a theory that there is really only one fruitcake, that 
fruitcake has been passed from person to person from the begining of 
time. The humble fruitcake is indistructable and has an indefinite shelf 
life. The actual appearance, with or without the decorative frosting 
is far too intimidating, in my opinion to be considered for consumption. 
                     
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A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking
for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has
just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that 
sings Christmas carols.
        
He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man
agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much
for singing.
        
The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and
pulls out a lighter.
        
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left
foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."
        
The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and 
watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right
foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." 
The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.
        
The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this 
wonderful gift immediately.
        
He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. 
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird 
sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot
and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."
        
The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks
her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs 
instead. 
        
Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and
the bird begins to sing--
        
     "Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!" 


1) Why can Essex girls only count to 68?
Because 69's a bit of a mouthful

2) Why don't you get any Jewish Man. United fans ?
You have to be a total prick to be a United fan

3) Why did God create man first? 
He didn't want a woman stood over his shoulder criticising!

4) Susan was in her late thirties and still not
married. She just had a hard time meeting
men. And the men she did meet all ended up
being jerks. Finally, she decided to place an
ad in the personals in the newspaper . She
wrote: "Looking for a man who won't beat me,
won't leave me, and is excellent in bed." 
Several days went by and she hadnt received
a single call. Then, one day she was doing her
laundry when she heard a knock at the door.
She walked upstairs to answer it. She opened
the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with
no arms and no legs. "Can I help you?" she
asked. He said, "I am the man of your
dreams!" She was baffled. She said, "Excuse
me." 
"I read your personal ad in the paper and I am
the perfect man for you. I have no arms so I
can't beat you. I have no legs so I can never
leave you." "But are you good in bed?", she
asked. He replied, "how do you think I
knocked on the door?!" 

5) Q. Whats the difference between a women in a church and a women in the bath?
A. One's got hope in her soul.....

6) A brain goes into a pub and asks the barman for a pint, the barman says
no mate your alreadly out of your head!

7) A farmer is having problems with his prize
stallion and decides to ring the local vet. So
the vet comes round and asks what the
problem is. "Well" says the farmer "he seems
to be having a bit of trouble 'getting wood' as it
were, can you help?". "That's easy" says the
vet, and reaches inside his bag and pulls out a
long rubber glove. He puts it on right up to his
elbow and shove his arm up the nearest
mare's front bottom. He rummages around for
a bit then pulls his hand out and wipes the
gunk all over the stallion's face. The stallion
gets very excited, gets the biggest boner it's
had for weeks and proceeds in humping the
living daylights out the mare. The farmer is
amazed by this and turns to the vet. "Look,
I've been happily married for 25 years but
recently I've had a bit of trouble in the same
department, do you think the same thing
would work for me?". The vet doesn't see any
problem with this and after being paid leaves.
When the farmer gets back indoors, he finds
his wife has gone to bed early, so he creeps
upstairs into his bedroom. His wife is fast
asleep, so he rolls up her nightie and inserts
his hand in her front bottom. He then rubs his
hand all over his face and gets very excited,
he's got the best hard on he'd had in 25 years,
so he wakes his wife up all excited and starts
shouting "look Marjorie,look". She rolls
over,takes one look and says "Why did you
wake me up to tell me you had a nose bleed?"

8) Three football fans were driving along when
they spied a body in the undergrowth.
Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to
see what they could do. Unfortunately, they
found the nude body of a deceased young
woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy
dropped his Spurs hat over one breast. The
second guy, a Liverpool fan, placed his hat
over the other breast. The Manchester United
fan then placed his hat over the woman's very
private part. 
Soon the police arrived. The coroner started
checking over the body. He picked up the
Spurs hat and quickly placed it back. He then
picked up the Liverpool hat and returned it.
Then he picked up the Man United Fan hat,
put it down, then picked it up again inspecting
the hat more closely, and then put it down.
Then he picked it up a third time. 
By this time, the Man United fan was a bit
irritated and he asked, "Why do you keep
picking up that hat? Are you some kind of
pervert or something?" The coroner responded
with a wry smile, "Son, I can't figure this one
out. Usually when I come across one of these
Man United hats, there's an asshole under it."

9) Paddy and Mick rent a private plane for the
day and are doing fine until it's time for
touchdown. Paddy is busy with all the
instrument readings and finally gets the plane
down, but has to screech to a stop. "Boy,
that's a short runway", he says, wiping his
forehead. "Yeah," says Paddy - "But look how
wide it is."

10) What do you call a blonde with a dollar on her
head?
All you can eat for under a buck!

11) Three men. English man, Scottish man and
Irish man, are in the docks at Liverpool, trying
to get to America to start a new life, the only
problem being that they can't afford to pay the
plane fare, so the English man, after a few
moments thought comes up with a plan to get
to America for free, he walks off and finds
Three sacks, all the same size, and says to
the others get inside and wait to be picked up,
put into the plane, if someone comes and
kicks you, pretend your something and before
you know it, we will be in the sun in America.
The others thinking this is a great idea to get
into there new country to there new life, get
into there sacks. After about an hour, the
security officer comes to check the goods so
that they can be loaded on the plane, and
sees the three sacks, he walks over and sees
one moving, so instinctively he kicks it, inside,
the English man jolts, then quickly barks like
a dog in pain. The security hears this and
presumes its a dog so he goes over to the
other bags and does the same again, but not
as hard as by now he's feeling a little guilty,
once again the bag jolts and the Scottish man
purrs like a cat, the security man happy with
the noise moves along to the third bag, once
again he kicks it, the bag jolts, inside the Irish
man shouts potatoes.

12) John rents an apartment in New York, and
goes to the lobby to collect his mail. While
there, an attractive young lady comes out of
the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a
robe.
John smiles at the young girl and she strikes
up a conversation with him. As they talk, her
robe slips open and it is quite obvious that she
has nothing underneath the robe. Poor John
breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact. After a few minutes she places her
hand on his arm and says 'lets go in my
apartment I hear someone coming..'
He follows her into the apartment and after
she closes the door, she leans against it
allowing her robe to fall completely open. She
purrs at him, 'what would you say is my best
feature?'
The flustered, embarrassed John stammers,
clears his throat several times and finally
squeaks out ' oh, it's got to be your ears!'
She's astounded! 'Why my ears? look at
these boobs! they are full, dont sag and
they're all mine! My butt, it's firm , doesn't sag
and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no
blemishes or scars! Why in gods name would
you say my ears are the best part of my
body?!!'
Clearing his throat once again John stammers
- 'Outside when you said you heard someone
coming - That was me!!!!'


	Q: WHAT DO A JUMBO JET AND A BLEACHED BLONDE HAVE IN COMMON?
	A: A BLACK BOX.

	Q:HOW DOES A BLONDE LIKE HER EGGS IN THE MORNING?
	A: UNFERTILIZED.

	Q: WHY DO BLONDES LIKE CARS WITH SUNROOFS?
	A: MORE LEG ROOM.

	Q: WHAT DO CALL AN INTELLIGENT BLONDE?
	A: A LABRADOR.

	FEEL FREE TO ADD TO THIS LIST ANY TIME.LET THE BATTLE AGAINST
DUMB BLONDES BEGIN.

      Q:HOW DO YOU KNOW A BLOND HAS BEEN USING MICROSOFT            
          WORD?
      A:TIPEX ON THE SCREEN.

      Q:WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLOND HAIRED SKELLETON IN THE   
         CLOSET?
      A:HIDE AND GO SEEK AT LAST YEARS HOLLOWEEN PARTY.

        :A BLOND WALKS INTO THE HAIR DRESSERS WEARING HEADPHONES. THE
HAIRDRESSER  ASKED THE BLOND TO TAKE OFF THE HEADPHONES BUT THE BLOND
REFUSED. AFTER A WHILE THE BLOND AGREED TO TAKE OFF THE HEADPHONES.
SECONDS AFTER THE BLOND FELL TO THE GROUND , CHOKED AND DIED. THE HAIR
DRESSER PICKED UP THE HEADPOHNES AND LISTENED TO THEM. THEY WERE SAYING
'BREATH IN,BREATH OUT' ,'BREATH IN,BREATH OUT,etc...



Nightmare Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring,
except me and my spouce.

The stockings I hung
with a hope and a prayer
Using Scotch tape and pins,
not a tack anywhere.

And Momma in her robe
with the fuzzy, pink nap
Had retired to our bedroom
with presents to wrap.

When what with my wondering ears
do I hear,
But, "I need more Scotch tape.
Will you bring me some, dear?"

Away to the stockings
I flew like a flash.
I had used all the tape,
Yes, I know it was rash.

In the bedroom, I found
that my wife had made do.
Resourceful as usual,
with model plane glue.

One look in her eyes
and I knew I was right.
After wrapping six gifts,
she was high as a kite.

I finished the wrapping
with liberated tape.
The stockings I'd cleverly
pinned to the drape.

I had just gone to sleep
when alarmed by a clatter,
I sprang from my bed
to see what was the matter.

The drapery had fallen,
and I knew who to blame.
Then a small voice behind me
Squealed, "Santa Claus came!"

-- L.Gruber

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker face each other.

With light sabers drawn about to commence an almighty 
battle of good over evil.

Suddenly, in the middle of fight Vader pulls Skywalker to 
him and whispers:

 "I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS, 
LUKE. IT'S TRUE, LUKE, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE 
GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS!"

Skywalker tried to ignore this but couldn't in the end. 
He wrenched himself free and yells

"How can you know this!?!"

Vader replied "I FELT YOUR PRESENTS..."


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

What's a similarity between a priest and a Christmas tree?
The balls are just for decoration.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Top 10 Santa Pick-Up Lines

  10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
    9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
    8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
    7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
    6. I know when you`ve been bad or good--so let`s skip the small
       talk, sister!
    5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>
    4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what the
       Mrs. calls it ...)
    3. I see you when you`re sleeping--and you don`t wear any 
       underwear, do you?
    2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list!
    1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?


Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married, 

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I
can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday,
thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last
ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren.
God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in
their pictures, poor babies. 

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the
freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried
Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a
good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over
again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would
have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of
my hemorrhoid surgery, has she? 

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating
off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used
to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost
on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending
any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family
vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and
my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who
stole you screaming from my bosom. 

Merry Christmas. 

Love, Mom 


<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

To the Tune of "Deck The Halls" ...

See that drag queen his name's Molly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
For 50 bucks he'll make you jolly.
Fa La La La La La La La La
See him in his gay apparel.
Fa La La La La La La La La
You should meet his brother Carol.
Fa La La La La La La La La
                     
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 A Teacher's Week Before Christmas 
 Written by: Joyce Luke
        
 'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school Not a pupil 
  was silent, no matter what rule. The children were busy with paper and 
  paste; The mess that they made with it couldn't be faced.
      
  The teacher half frantic and almost in tears, Had just settled down to 
  work with her dears, When out in the hall there arose such a clatter up 
  sprang the kids to see what was the matter!
        
  Away to the door they all flew like a flash; The one who was leading 
  went down with a crash. Then what to their wondering eyes did appear
  But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)
        
  When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick. She knew in a moment it 
  must be Old Nick! She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain) But 
  she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name;
      
  "Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry! Stop Billy! Stop
   Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry! Now get to your places get away from
   the hall Now get away! Get away! Get away all!
        
  As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly The pupils, pell mell, 
  started scurrying by. They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the 
  aisle; Their faces were shining and each had a smile.
       
  First came a basket of popcorn to string -Then came the Christmas tree 
  (menacing thing). As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout; 
  The pupils were merrily romping about.
      
  The state they were in could lead to a riot; The teacher was sure, if 
  allowed, they would try it. Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples 
  were throbbing! The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!
      
  The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask; It was plain that she 
  didn't feel up to her task. The look in her eye would have tamed a wild 
  steer, But the children ignored it; they did every year.
      
  A tear from her eye and a shake of her head Soon led me to think that 
  she wished she were dead. She spoke not a word but went straight to her 
  work, Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.
        
  But at last it was finished and placed on the tree; Then came the bell 
  and the children were free. Their shrill little voices soon faded away 
  And peace was restored at the end of the day. As she looked at the 
  Christmas tree glistening and tall, She smiled as she whispered, Merry 
  Christmas to all! 

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, 
when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said 
to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said".

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument 
about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a communist 
party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph 
whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, 
is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"

To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

To the Tune of "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer"

Rudolph the red-nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.
All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.
Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
End of story.



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>
            
        On the twelfth day of Christmas,
        My computer gave to me:
        Twelve blown-out circuits
        Eleven damaged diskettes
        Ten disk-drive lockouts
        Nine burnt-out fuses
        Eight worthless printouts
        Seven system resets
        Six I/O spasms
        Five blank cassettes
        Four garbled saves
        Three loose plugs
        Two key bounces
        And a glitch on the video screen.       
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while 
they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it 
was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could 
agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they 
decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch 
this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water 
froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad", said the 
other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder 
still. 

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said 
"Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon 
his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, 
that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo. 

But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they 
ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" 
and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and 
retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, 
put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. 

When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".


This guy is looking through the ads in a dirty book one Monday morning
     when he sees an ad for a Singing Blow-job for just ?10.
     He rings the women and she tells him to come straight round. 
     When he gets there the woman ushers him upstairs into a
     pitch-black bedroom where she slowly undresses him and then lays
     him down on the bed.  She then kisses his body all the way down
     to his tool, and once there she starts to give him some of the
     best head he's ever had. Well the guy's in seventh heaven and
     it's not long before he can't take any more. He's just about to
     shoot his bolt when she starts singing.  But the blow-job carries
     on, and despite wondering how she does it, the guys too excited
     to give it much thought. Well ?10 is dam cheap, so he goes back
     every night for the remainder of the week; but by Saturday is
     getting a bit suspicious.  You see he can't figure out how she
     does it, and is worried that perhaps the woman's old man is
     hiding in the room, and coming out to suck his cock whilst she
     sings, and he's having NONE of that queer stuff. So Saturday
     night he puts a torch in his coat pocket, and when she undresses
     him and lays him on the bed he keeps hold of it in his hand. Well
     the oral sex goes ahead as usual, and sure enough he's just about
     to cum when she starts singing. The guy quickly sits up, turns on
     the torch and shines it round the room. And there's nothing there
     except the bed that he's on, the woman down between his legs, her
     head bobbing up and down and singing, and a small bedside table.
     And thats when he notices, on the bedside table, a cup of water
     with a glass eye in it.


Ever wonder how the 7 dwarves got their name?...here is the truth:
>>> 
>>> 
>>> Miss Snow White was a randy cow
>>> And desperate for a fuck,
>>> So off she went into the woods,
>>> To try and get some luck.
>>> She'd almost given up looking,
>>> When she saw some chimney smoke,
>>> Then she stumbled on the cottage,
>>> And went in for a poke.
>>> Her clothes came off in seconds.
>>> And she'd just removed her pants,
>>> When seven dwarves came marching in,
>>> With a merry song and dance.
>>> Snow White just stood there speechless,
>>> And thought she was in heaven,
>>> Originally after one good shag,
>>> But now she could have seven.
>>> Straight away she took command,
>>> "My fanny needs a lick!"
>>> And when one dwarf moved forward,
>>> She said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"
>>> So down he went onto all fours,
>>> And said "I ain't licking that",
>>> "Not there, that is my arse-hole,
>>> You DOPEY little prat!"
>>> The next dwarf started blushing,
>>> "Do we have to do it here?"
>>> Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
>>> Unless you're a fucking queer"
>>> So reluctantly he whipped it out,
>>> To prove he was no fool.
>>> And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho".
>>> As she rode upon his tool.
>>> Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
>>> Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
>>> And due to his impatience,
>>> He couldn't raise a stiff.
>>> "Relax" you GRUMPY bastard",
>>> So he did as he was told,
>>> And as soon as he was hard enough,
>>> He shot his fuckin load.
>>> The next dwarf got a blow-job,
>>> And she took him deep quite easy,
>>> But she just avoided brain-damage,
>>> When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.
>>> With three dwarves left,
>>> she turned and said, "You're next, I want your knob!"
>>> But not sooner had he entered her,
>>> And he was sleeping on the job.
>>> "Wake up you SLEEPY bastard!"
>>> She wanted more from him.
>>> And he woke with such excitement,
>>> That he filled her hairy quim.
>>> The next dwarf rammed his up her,
>>> And shagged her fanny raw,
>>> A dazed Snow White then whimpered.
>>> "That should be against the law."
>>> He made poor Snow White tremble,
>>> He was so big and thick.
>>> "No wonder you're so HAPPY,
>>> With that fucking great big prick"
>>> With one dwarf still remaining,
>>> But feeling rather sore,
>>> She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
>>> My twat can't take no more!"
>>> And so he put his tongue to work,
>>> Where others had placed their cocks,
>>> And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
>>> She named the last dwarf DOC.
>>> Now Snow White couldn't do much,
>>> With all that spadge inside her quim,
>>> So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
>>> And filled it to the brim.
>>> So there's the truth about the dwarves,
>>> And how they got their names,
>>> By satisfying Miss Snow White,
>>> And joining in her games.
>>> There's one more thing you need to know,
>>> And that's - What happened to that cup,
>>> Well think of what you're drinking,
>>> When you next buy 7-Up!


SANTA DEALS WITH POLITICAL CORRECTNESS

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

Notice:  This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich.
 It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as this notice
remains intact.  All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions,
distribution rights, etc should be made to  mduhan@husc.harvard.edu.
Happy Holidays!

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Why can't Santa have children?
Because he only comes once a year, and then it's down the chimney.



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

When you stop believing in Santa Claus
you start getting clothes for Christmas.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Christmas Tree Controversy

CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use
MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with furballs

CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles
REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down

CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts

CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti
REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree

CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning
YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules
MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football
FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway


'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.

'Cuz the cat had pounced on him
and tore him apart-
Ate his mousey intestines
And chewed up his heart.

Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,
which made him take pause-
He stopped daintily lickng
the blood from his claws.

"Must be Santa" thought Kitty
(that quite clever cat)
'Cuz nobody else climbs down
the chimney like that.

Indeed it was ol' Santa,
so jolly and fat
With a load of presents
and all for the cat!

"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
and shed some more fur.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

   10 Reasons Santa must be a System Administrator

   1.  Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
   2.  When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving 
        what you wanted are infinitesimal.
   3.  Santa seldom answers your mail.
   4.  When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got,
        he says, "Elves make it for me."
   5.  Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
   6.  Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but 
        did all the work themselves.
   7.  Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
   8.  Santa laughs entirely too much.
   9.  Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
  10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

A rich man and a poor man were drinking in a bar.
Rich man: Ya know what i'm gonna get my wife for Christmas?
Poor man: What?
Rich man: A diamond bracelet, and a new Mercedes.
Poor man: Why?
Rich man: So if she doesn't like the bracelet she can drive her
 new car to return it.
Poor man: That makes sense, I think I'll get mine a hairbrush
 and a dildo.
Rich man: Why?
Poor man: So if she doesn't like the hairbrush she can go fuck herself.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was
going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves
were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they
had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all 
afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had 
taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had
crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver 
millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours -
all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't 
even have a Christmas tree!

I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree 
and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped 
in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says 
"Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.


Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist? 
	>>>>>>>A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it
came from.
	>>>>>>>Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
	>>>>>>>A: Put a nipple on it
	>>>>>>>Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? 
	>>>>>>>A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak
	>>>>>>>Q: How is pubic hair like parsley? 
	>>>>>>>A: You push it to the side before you start eating.Q:
What's the
	>>>difference
	>>>>>>>between a girlfriend and a wife? 
	>>>>>>>A: 45 lbs.
	>>>>>>>Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a
husband? 
	>>>>>>>A: 45minutes
	>>>>>>>Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
	>>>>>>>A: Sexual harassment.
	>>>>>>>Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? 
	>>>>>>>A: $3.99 a minute.
	>>>>>>>Q: What is the definition of "making love"? A: Something
a woman
	>>>>>>>does while a guy is humping her.
	>>>>>>>Q: How are women and rocks alike?
	>>>>>>>A: You skip across the flat ones.
	>>>>>>>Q: What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers? 
	>>>>>>>A: Well-hung.
	>>>>>>>Q: What's the difference between a woman with her period
and a
	>terrorist?
	>>>>>>>A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
	>>>>>>>Q: What's the difference between a '90's woman and a
computer?
	>>>>>>>A: A'90's woman won't accept a three and a half inch
floppy.
	>>>>>>>Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
	>>>>>>>A: Breasts don't have eyes.
	>>>>>>>Q: What's the definition of the perfect male lover? 
	>>>>>>>A: He makes love until 2 a.m. then turns into chocolate.
	>>>>>>>Q: How do Greeks separate the men from the boys? 
	>>>>>>>A: With a crowbar.
	>>>>>>>Q: Why do most men prefer women with big tits and tight
chuffs? 
	>>>>>>>A: Because most men have big mouths and small dicks.
	>>>>>>>Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?  
	>>>>>>>A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet,
they'd fill up
	with
	>>>>>mud.
	>>>>>>>Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of
true love?
	>>>>>>>A: The swallow.
	>>>>>>>Q: What's the difference between Hard and Light?
	>>>>>>>A: You can go to sleep with a light on.
	>>>>>>>Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky? 
	>>>>>>>A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you
use the whole
	>>>>>chicken.
	>>>>>>>Q: Why do Greek men wear gold neckchains? 
	>>>>>>>A: So they know where to stop shaving.
	>>>>>>>Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
	>>>>>>>A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
	>>>>>>>Q: Why don't men fake orgasm?
	>>>>>>>A: Cos no man would pull those faces on purpose.
	>>>>>>>>
	>>>>>>>
	>>>>>>>
	

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was
going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves
were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they
had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all 
afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had 
taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had
crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver 
millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours -
all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't 
even have a Christmas tree!

I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree 
and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped 
in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says 
"Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.



The Twelve 'Pains' of Christmas

Chorus: The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Is finding a Christmas tree.

The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:

Husband (2): Rigging up the lights,
Chorus:  And finding a Christmas tree.

The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Inebriated man (3): Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus:  And finding a Christmas tree.

The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Frustrated man (4): Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus:  And finding a Christmas tree.

The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Chorus:  F i v e   m o n t h s   of   b i l l s,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Frustrated wife (6): Facing my in-laws,
Chorus:  F i v e   m o n t h s   of   b i l l s,
4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up these lights,
Chorus:  And finding a Christmas tree.

The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Angry man (7): The Salvation Army,
6: Facing my in-laws,
Chorus:  F i v e   m o n t h s   of   b i l l s,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Oh, Jeez!
2: I'm trying to rig up these lights!
Chorus:  And finding a Christmas tree.

The eighth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Loud kid (8): I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!
7: Charities 
6: And what do you mean, "your in-laws"?!?
Chorus:  F i v e   m o n t h s   of   b i l l s,
4: Oh, making out these cards,
3: Edith, get me a beer, huh?
2: What? We have no extension cords?!?
Chorus:  And finding a Christmas tree.

The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Another frustrated man (9): No parking spaces,
8: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!
7: Donations!
6: Facing my in-laws,
Chorus:  F i v e   m o n t h s   of   b i l l s,
4: Writing out those Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Now why the hell are they blinking?!?
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Toy-commercial voice (10): "Batteries not included",
9: No parking spaces,
8: BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!!
7: Get a job, ya bum!!!
6: (sobbing) Oh, facing my in-laws,
Chorus:  F i v e   m o n t h s   of   b i l l s,
4: Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards,
3: Oh, Jeez, look at this!
2: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
Chorus:  And finding a Christmas tree.

The eleventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
TV Critic (11): Stale TV specials,
10: "Batteries not included",
9: No parking spaces,
8: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!!
7: Charities!!
6: (sobbing) She's a witch! I hate her!
Chorus:  F i v e   m o n t h s   of   b i l l s,
4: Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!
3: Oh, who's got the toilet paper?
2: Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!!
Chorus:  And finding a Christmas tree.

The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
A few guys: Singing Christmas Carols,
11: Stale TV specials,
10: "Batteries not included",
9: No parking?
8: WAAAAAAH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
7: Charities!
6: Gotta make 'em dinner!
Chorus:  F i v e   m o n t h s   of   b i l l s,
4: I'm not sending them this year, that's it!
3: Shut up, you!
2: FINE!! If you're so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!!!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

>From 'Twisted Christmas' by Bob Rivers


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

I Think that this Next One was Submitted by Wayne Lasker, but When 
I had to Trim the 8MB of Header Off of the Message to Get to the Joke
I Must Have Cut Off the Sender's Info as Well. *cough*  Oh Well, 
I Can't Be Brilliant *All* the Time... Just Beautiful. *baeg*

I think Santa Claus is a woman....
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.  Think
about it.  Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy,
nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could
possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve.  It's as if they are all frozen
in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when
they - with amazing calm -  call other errant men and plan for a 
last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem
surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood
rings left on the shelves.  (You might think this would send them
into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous
relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making
burden.)  On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake
up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the
tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be
getting there.  First of all, there would be no reindeer because they
would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the
sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been
extended.  Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the
taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have
transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up
there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for
directions.  Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable
delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to
inspect and repoint bricks in the flue.  He would also need to check
for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every
Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly
upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
  with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in
  jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their 
  ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.  
Definite guy. 

Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who
likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the
testosterone screening test.  But not St. Nick.  Not a chance.  As  long
as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King
Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little
difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!



There is no way Santa Claus could be a woman.  It's too good to be true,
that a woman would sneak into the house in the middle of the night, give a
man what he wants, and then leave right away!!

**Christopher is another classic example of needing BGH's
"Stealth Joke Submissions: 101" ( I think he's related to Hanry)
Christopher, Christopher, Christopher...you're in deep sh... trouble now.
 IT'S AUCTION TIME LADIES!!  Christopher submits his joke
along with his home, work & fax numbers and of course, I already 
have his email address and Ladies or what the hell, guys too, his last
name alone should be good for a couple K dontcha think?  Who would
like to open the bidding? (I love my job. *baeg*)  I think I used to 
have a 750 Suchocki, no wait that was Kawasaki. Never-mind.
Geez, I better watch it, he might come after me with a chicken gun.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at
the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present
something "Christmassy". The first man searches his pocket, and finds some
Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is
also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at
this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
Answer... "They're Carol's."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Geeks? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen,
My Mac called them by name:

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my RAM,
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a SIMM,
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

*Author Unknown
(If anyone knows... please send)


We've all heard why some think that Santa is a She - but here's an
ingenious response that I thought you might enjoy:

Ken's Response:
    My daughters have noted (with considerable glee)
    Internet chatter proclaiming Santa a She
    They offer ill-formed conclusions with no common sense
    to which I now offer this thoughtful defense
    of History, Tradition, and Status Quo
    and when finished reading you surely will know
    Santa has been, is now and always will be
          A Man
    Proof positive I have, that Santa's a He
    It's silly to think he might be a She
    For what woman would be ready at exactly Midnight
    To jump in the sleigh with everything right,
    with her nose all powdered and her lipstick in place
    Pleased with her outfit, pleased with her face?

    With only a year to prepare, the chimneys to climb
    How could a girl Santa be ready on time?
    There'd be ovens to check, irons to unplug,
    Kittens to cuddle and children to hug
    Instructions to give to husband and sons,
    A last minute check of stockings for runs.

    And once underway she'd be feeling just sick
    that she'd made the wrong choices, picked the wrong pick.
    Billy might not like the train that she chose;
    maybe he'd rather have some books and some clothes!
    Will Sally love the doll that she picked
    Or should she have gotten hockey skates and a stick?

    At each landing she'd worry about ice on the roof
    What if there's no grip for the reindeers hoof
    She'd slip and slide right over the edge
    The sled would be stuck twixt the tree and the hedge.
    The trip might be over, but she could still save the day
    if she'd just find a phone and call Triple A.
    But, dammit oh damm, she'd utter a curse
    Remembering she'd forgotten to carry her purse!

    And can you imagine our lady in boots and warm mittens
    when suddenly with a hot flash she'd be violently smitten??
    I shudder to think of the chaos It would cause
    If a hormone rebellion o'ertook Santa Claus!
    When just as she was quieting her spirited reindeer
    She'd let out a scream, "My ***!!!***it's**!!!**hot out here!"

    The reindeer would jump, might even take flight
    And leave her standing alone in the night.
    The sled and the toys all speeding back home,
    Due to the attack of one silly hormone!
    So, it's easy to see, if you think just a tad,
    Why God in his wisdom, made Santa a DAD!
                 Ken Scheel, Christmas, l998

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>
BTW--Wayne Lasker says...uh-uh...NFW...I didn't send that
'Santa is a Woman' joke. I plead not guilty !!! 
BGH says...Yeah, OK, I think yer just scared that I'm gonna 
put ya up on the auction block with Christopher   :p
OK Wayne, repeat after me...
I...am...we...Todd...did.
I...am...sofa...king...we...Todd...did.
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Andy P. Sends:

It's Christmas Eve. Kelly walks into a bar and orders beer and a shot of
whiskey. The bartender gives him a beer and a shot of whiskey. Kelly 
drinks his beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his shirt pocket.

Kelly orders another beer and another shot of whiskey. Kelly drinks the
beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his pocket. 

The bartender says, "Look, Mac, it's Christmas Eve, and I know we're both
depressed, and I certainly don't mean to bug you, but my curiosity is
"killing" me. Why do you keep pouring the shots in your pocket?" 

Kelly says, "It's none of your business! And if you be givin' me a hard
time, I'll be breakin yer face!" 

At this time, a mouse pops out of Kelly's shirt pocket and says, "And that
goes for your stupid cat , too!" 



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Andy P. Strikes Again With:

I just heard on the radio about a 90 year old lady who one Christmas
found buying presents for family and friends a bit much, so she wrote
out checks for all of them to put in her Christmas cards.   She wrote
out her Christmas cards and put "Buy your own present" after her name
on them then sent them off.

After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks in her
desk!   

Everyone had got a Christmas card from her with "Buy your own present"
written inside but without the checks!
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

So Far, Ms. Bella's High Bidder for Christopher's Butt with:

I am guessing that Christopher Schmucky doesn't have to worry about 
women not wanting to leave right away. His problem is probably getting 
them to stay.

**Ouch!  Put down that whip Ms. Bella!

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Now this is Sick...

Politically Correct 12 Days of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, 
my Significant Other in a consenting adult relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual 
drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made
up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union 
as called for in their union contract even though they will not be
asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal 
ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing 
milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration,

(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to 
throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and
partridge
have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further 
Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE deconstructionist poets,

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
and...

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.


Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

>From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite!


<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

FirstWins Asks:

Re: Christopher
Oh my, what did he get himself into? lol

** I think that's mild compared to what Christopher is going to say
when he comes into work today and gets down to reading his HaHa
letters!



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Dave Holland Sends:

Merry Xmas!!  From Nova Scotia!

 On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic
 light ,and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says
 to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

 The kid says, "Yeah."

 The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that
 bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle
 safety violation ticket.

 The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way,
 that's a nice horse you got there.  Did Santa bring that to you?"

 Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

 The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath
 the horse, instead of on top."
                     

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

                'Twas A Computer Christmas

T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the shop,
The computers were whirring; they never do stop.
The power was on and the temperature right,
In hopes that the input would feed back that night.

The system was ready, the program was coded,
And memory drums had been carefully loaded;
While adding a Christmasy glow to the scene,
The lights on the console, flashed red, white and green.

When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
The programmer ran to see what was the matter.
Away to the hallway he flew like a flash,
Forgetting his key in his curious dash.
He stood in the hallway and looked all about,
When the door slammed behind him, and he was locked out.

Then, in the computer room what should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer;
And a little old man, who with scarcely a pause,
Chuckled: "My name is Santa...the last name is Claus."

The computer was startled, confused by the name,
Then it buzzed as it heard the old fellow exclaim:
"This is Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
And Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen."

With all these odd names, it was puzzled anew;
It hummed and it clanked, and a main circuit blew.
It searched in its memory core, trying to "think";
Then the multi-line printer went out on the blink.

Unable to do its electronic job,
It said in a voice that was almost a sob:
"Your eyes - how they twinkle - your dimples so merry,
Your cheeks so like roses, your nose like a cherry,

Your smile - all these things, I've been programmed to know,
And at data-recall, I am more than so-so;
But your name and your address (computers can't lie),
Are things that I just cannot identify.

You've a jolly old face and a little round belly,
That shakes when you laugh like a bowlful of jelly;
My scanners can see you, but still I insist,
Since you're not in my program, you cannot exist!"

Old Santa just chuckled a merry "ho, ho",
And sat down to type out a quick word or so.
The keyboard clack-clattered, its sound sharp and clean,
As Santa fed this "data" to the machine:

"Kids everywhere know me; I come every year;
The presents I bring add to everyone's cheer;
But you won't get anything - that's plain to see;
Too bad your programmers forgot about me."

Then he faced the machine and said with a shrug,
"Merry Christmas to All," as he pulled out its plug!


'Twas the Night Before Christmas
(on Crack)-as recited by my Dad every year after the animated
television special.
RH
 
'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house,
the whole darn family
was drunk as a louse.
 
Mom back from the whorehouse, 
and Dad smoking crack;
I'd just settled down
with a nice piece of ass.
 
When out on the lawn
there arose such a clatter
that I sprang from my bed
to see what was the matter.
 
I open the shutters
and threw up the sash,
banged my head on the window
and fell on my ass.
 
What to my wondering eyes should appear
a cruddy old sleigh, 
and eight mangy reindeer.
 
"On Dasher; on Dancer; 
up over thaose walls!
On faster you bastards
or I'll cut off your balls!"
 
He flew down the chimney
like a bat out of hell.
I knew right away...
the fat joker fucker fell.
 
He stuffed all our stockings
with pretzels and beer.
A new rubber dick
for my brother, the queer.
 
He went up the chimney
with a thunderous fart.
THE SON OF A BITCH
BLEW MY CHIMNEY APART!!!
 
Cursing and screaming,
he flew out of sightsaying,
"Piss oon you all;
Have a hell of a night!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Cheryl J. Sends:

I have to admit it, I've had more fun reading about what troubles
Christopher is in and the auction status, than the jokes.  Poor
Christopher!  

PS:  Remind ME never to piss you off!!

**Huh?? I'm not pissed and even if I was, it's better to be 
pissed*off* than pissed *on*, unless yer into golden showers I guess. 

	

<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Pat Sends:

Never-forgotten childhood Christmas ditty!

Albert, the amber-assed antelope
Had a very shiny ass,
And if you ever saw it
You would say it looked like glass.

All of the other antelopes
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Albert
Join in any antelope games.

Then one foggy Christmas eve
Santa came to say,
"Albert, with your ass so bright,
Won't you be my back up light.?"

Then how the antelopes loved him,
As they shouted out with glee,
"Albert, the amber assed antelope,
You'll go down in history!"
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Here's an Oldie But Still a Goodie...

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

Dec. 6 - 6:00pm and it started to snow. The first of the season and my
wife and I took our cocktails and sat by the window watching the soft
flakes drift down all over the area. It was beautiful. 

Dec. 9 - We awoke to a big, beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub
covered by a beautiful mantle of snow. What a fantastic sight! I shoveled
snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both the driveway and
sidewalks. Later a snow plow came through and covered our sidewalk with
compacted snow from the street, so I shoveled it again. 

Dec. 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Oh well, I'm sure we
will get some more before the lovely winter is through. 

Dec. 14 - It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature dropped to 20
below zero. Shoveled the driveway and sidewalks again and then the
snowplow came by and did its trick again. 

Dec. 15 - Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer so I can drive in the snow.
Bought snow tires for my wife's car.

Dec. 16 - Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway. All that was hurt my
feelings.

Dec. 17 - Still cold (below zero in the AM) and the icy roads make for
very tough driving.

Dec. 20 - Had another 14 inches of the white shit last night. More
shoveling in store for me today. The goddamn snow plow came by twice.

Dec. 22 - We are assured of a white Christmas because 13 more inches of
that shit fell today and with this freezing fucking weather it won't melt
till August. Got all dressed up to go out and shovel (boots, jumpsuit,
heavy jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc.) and then got the urge to piss.

Dec. 23 - I was going to go ice fishing today but the fucking worms froze
and I didn't want the fish to break their teeth on my fucking bait.

Dec. 24 - If I ever catch that SOB that drives that fucking plow, I'll
drag him through the snow by his balls. I think he hides around the corner
and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street at a
100 mph throwing that shit all over what used to be my lawn.

Dec. 25 - MERRY CHRISTMAS!! They predict 20 more fucking inches of this
white shit. I wonder if they know just how many fucking shovels full of
snow 20 inches is?? ASSHOLES! Fuck Santa, he doesn't bust his balls
shoveling this shit. The snow plow driver came by and asked for a
donation, I went upside his head with the snow shovel. 

Dec. 26 - Guess who got 29 plus more inches last night? I must be going
snow blind or getting cabin fever because the wife is starting to look
real good to me!

Dec. 27 - Toilet froze. If you go outside, don't eat the brown snow. 

Dec. 28 - I set fire to the house, now let's see that white shit cling to
the roof!!


 Family Fortunes
> > > > >
> > > > > Genuine contestants' answers from the ITV game show Family
> Fortunes
> > > > > We asked one hundred people to name... You say...
> > > > >
> > > > > A famous Scotsman      Vinny Jones
> > > > > A famous Scotsman      Jock
> > > > > An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers A horse
> > > > > A jacket potato topping     Jam
> > > > > A food that can be brown or white    Potatoes
> > > > > A sign of the zodiac      April
> > > > > A job a working dog does     Slave
> > > > > Something with a hole in it     A window
> > > > > Something people might be allergic to   Skiing
> > > > > A type of large cat      Persian
> > > > > A type of record       Floppy disc
> > > > > Something associated with pigs    The police
> > > > > A non-living object with legs    A plant
> > > > > A domestic animal       Leopard
> > > > > Something red       My cardigan
> > > > > A kind of ache       Filet-o-fish
> > > > > A food that can be easily eaten without chewing Er, chips?
> > > > > Something you beat      An apple
> > > > > A dangerous race  The Arabs
> > > > > A number you have to memorise    Seven
> > > > > Some famous brothers      Bonnie and Clyde
> > > > > Something that floats in the bath    Water
> > > > > Something in the garden that's green   The shed
> > > > > Something a blind man might use    A sword
> > > > > Something you wear on the beach    A deckchair
> > > > > A famous cowboy       Buck Rogers
> > > > > An animal you might see at a zoo    A dog
> > > > > A famous bridge       The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
> > > > > A part of the body beginning with the letter N  Knee
> > > > > Something you put on walls     Roofs
> > > > > Something you do in the bathroom    Decorate
> > > > > A famous Royal       Mail
> > > > > Something slippery      A con-man
> > > > > A way of cooking fish      Cod
> > > > > A form of transport you can walk around in  My foot
> > > > > A method of securing your home    Put the kettle on
> > > > > Something you do before going to bed   Sleep
> > > > > Something a cat does      Goes to the toilet
> > > > > An animal beginning with the letter B   Bullfrog
> > > > > The last thing you take off before going to bed Your feet
> > > > > Something that makes you scream    A squirrel
> > > > > Something you have with coffee    The Sunday Sport
> > > > > A song with 'Moon' in the title    'Blue Suede Moon'
> > > > > Something that flies that doesn't have an engine A bicycle with
> > > > wings
> > > > > Something with a red light on it    A Dalek
> > > > > Something you open other than a door   Your bowels
> > > > >
> > > > > Our survey said...
> > > > > Eh-urgh!


Test to see if you are a Grinch: 

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out
 under your own name (5 points). 

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display
 to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole
 light sets or lighted Santa goes out). 

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, 
 or reindeer.(10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered
 species, 5 extra points). 

4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point
 for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or
 marzipan Santa also, add 10 points. 

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart,
 or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress
 your friends (5 points for each infraction). 

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on 
 Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are 
 stuck in a phone booth. 

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of
 goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if
 you use this stuff for your own party). 

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own
 (Southern California & Florida only, others ignore: 5 points). 

9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially 
produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points;
 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year). 

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite 
 no-no (20 points). 

   Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100. 

 20-30: You are just a cheeseball. 

 30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably
 wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets. 

 50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime
 has arrived. 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

uh...new high bidder...thanks a lot...this wasn't the plan...

Bryan says:
I'll see Joanne's $10 and raise $20 if you get the pic of
Christopher and Post YOURS next to it! AAAHAHAHA!

**I haven't heard one more peep outta Christopher...
I think he's been busy cleaning the chicken gun.  BTW...
My pic is already posted on one of my sites ya just gotta 
figure out which one.  *baeg*



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Bryan Also Sends:

  A Winter Wonderland New Jersey Style

 Driver's swear ..... are you listenin',
 At the Mall .....folks are bitchin',
 A miserable sight ..... they're sorry tonite,
 Drivin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand!  

 Gone away ...... are your tires,
 meter has ......  just expired, 
 They towed you away, while you shopped today,
 Parkin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand!

 On the Parkway we will have a breakdown,
 We'll be stuck and threathened on the side,
 If we're lucky, muggers might come mug us,
 And if we plead they may give us a ride!  

 Santa's sleigh ..... was impounded,
 All the Elves ...... were surrounded,
 He's now in a cell .... for ringin' his bell,
 Living in New Jersey's TrafficLand!

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

 A Psycho's twelve days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
 a frontal lobotomy.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
 two cases of Prozac.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 
 three stays at the "hospital".

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
 four group sessions.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 
five self help books.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 
 six restraining orders.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
 seven counts of harrassment.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 
 eight cries for help.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
 nine attempts to escape.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 
 ten ripped off fingernails.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
 eleven body pieces.

On the twelth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
 twelve life sentences, 
 eleven body pieces, 
 ten ripped off fingernails, 
 nine attempts to escape, 
 eight cries of help, 
 seven counts of harrassment,
 six restraining orders, 
 five self help books, 
 four group sessions,
 three stays at the "hospital", 
 two cases of Prozac, 
 and a frontal lobotomy.

Or, was that today? uh oh...



TWAS DA NIGHT BEFORE FREEKIN KRISMUS...

'twas the night before Krismus and all trew da block,
not a creature  was stirrin, not even Ed Koch.

Da stockins were hung by da furnace wid care
in hopes dat by mornin dey'd all still be dair.

Me and this skank we was gettin ready fa bed
I wore my pajamas she had a paper bag for her head.

When up on da roof dere was a big crash
I thought it was a burgler I was gonna kick sum ass.

Went out on da fire escape looked up at da sky
and der was a sled wid dis freekin fat guy!

He had a red suit, and boots dat came up to his knees
in da moonlight he looked like Dom Delouise.

He had a big sled pulled by dese strange lookin deer.
He called one of them Dancer so I assumed he was queer.

As he crept off the roof it became clear to me
dat dis guy was lookin  to steal my TV!

Over his shoulder he had a big sack
As he came down da stairs I planned my attack.

As he came through da window I stayed outa sight
den smacked his fat head Ba-da-bing! wid a lead pipe.

He fell ta da the floor wid a groan and a thud
I was kinda surprised dat der wudn't no blood.

When I rolled him over I near stahted ta cry
as he sat himself up and looked me in da eye.

Hey! Yo! Santa! I'm sorry yalright?
Not for nuthin, he said but it's just not my night.

I got lost over da Bronx, I ran over some nuns,
had a near miss by Kennedy, now Rudolph's got da runs!

I'm out all freekin night I'm busting my hump
but I can't go on now not wid dis here lump.

Do me a big favor and be a real pal
Take over for me and be Santa, Sal

I said, Hey! I'm from Brooklyn I ain't right for da part
but he said that Santa comes from da heart.

He made me an offer I couldn't refuse.
Stop at every house (except for the Jews)

I got inta da suit stepped onta da sleigh
wonderin why reindeer smelled just dat way.

So I took off on my mission I din't wanna be late
while old Saint Nick spent da night hosin my date.

So dat night I was Santa bringin kids joy and bliss
and if ya don't believe it den Hey! Jingle Dis!

Since then every Krismus I'm out in da cold
riding shotgun wid Santa cuz he's fat and he's old.

I'm his number one helper I been deputized
so on dis Krismus eve don't be surprised

if you hear a voice saying loud and abrupt
Merry Krismus to all, thanks alot, And Shut the fugg up!



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Also From Joanne:

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, LEGALLY SPEAKING

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a
certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a
general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not
limited to a mouse.  A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks,
etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the
hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus
hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were
located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats,
including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did
dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.  Whereupon the party
of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the
joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part
(hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period
of sleep.  (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of
headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the
unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e.
the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or
circumstance.  The party of the first part did immediately rush to a
window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.  At
that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of
wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle")
being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately
eight (8) reindeer.  The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be, and in
fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to
the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the
animal co-conspirators by name:  Dasher, Dancer,  Prancer, Vixen, Comet,
Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer").  (Upon information
and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator
named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and
noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other
items of unknown origin or nature.  Suddenly, without prior invitation
or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the
House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with
residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a
portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items.
He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant
violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the
minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other
small gifts.  (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said
minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the  U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and
flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where
the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts."  Claus
immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said
House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"  Or words to that effect.


Is There Really a Santa Claus?

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help
from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am
pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. 

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only
Santa has ever seen. 

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since
Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist
children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million
according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of
3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's
at least one good child in each. 

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. 

This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa
has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the
chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the
tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back
into the sleigh and move on to the next house. 

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the
purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78
miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting
stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus
feeding and etc. 

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest 
man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky
27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per
hour. 

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds),
the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could
pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or
even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even
counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison
- this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second.
Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms
in their wake. 

The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths
of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces
17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by
4,315,015 pounds of force. 

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve,
he's a dead man now. 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Ms. Bella Sends:

If Christopher's actually in hiding he's not nearly as dumb as I 
thought.  I'd say "he's not nearly as dumb as he looks", but without 
that pic we just don't know ...

**Squinting** Ms. Bella, are you sure that you don't have Christopher
hand-cuffed to your Christmas tree?  



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal
Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the
FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the
reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork
was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer
harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly
reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's
enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in,fastened his
seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the
examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but
you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the cells
The convicts were locked up
All madder than hell

Except for the lifers
Kicked back in their bunks
Heads filled with visions
Of fat little punks

When suddenly from the roof top
There arose such a roar
That the bulls thought it was
A riot for sure

The goon squad ran in
And stood ready to hit
A big guard yelled out
Who started this shit

It came from the roof top
Sniveled a snitch
It must be a breakout
Oh, son of a bitch

They climbed to the roof
By way of the stairs
Found a fat little freak
In red underwear

No, No yelled the dude
I bring you good cheer
Damn said the Captain
We found us a queer

Alright mother fucker
Get your hands on the wall
They shook him down good
Asshole and all

They beat him and threw him
Into the hole with a kick
Well so much for Christmas
They locked up St. Nick


Merry Christmas in as Many Languages as I Could Find! 

Afrikaans - een plesierige kerfees 
Arabic - I'D MIILAD SAID OUA SANA SAIDA 
Argentine - Felices Pasquas Y felices ano Nuevo 
Armenian - Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand 
Azeri - Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun 
Basque - Zorionak eta Urte Berri On! 
Bohemian - Vesele Vanoce 
Brazilian - Boas Festas e Feliz Ano Novo 
Breton - Nedeleg laouen na bloavezh mat 
Bulgarian - Tchestita Koleda; Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo 
Chinese - (Mandarin) Kung His Hsin Nien bing Chu Shen Tan 
               (Catonese) Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun 
Cornish - Nadelik looan na looan blethen noweth 
Cree - Mitho Makosi Kesikansi 
Croatian - Sretan Bozic 
Czech - Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok 
Danish - Gldelig Jul 
Dutch - Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar! 
English - Merry Christmas 
Esperanto - Gajan Kristnaskon 
Estonian - Ruumsaid juulup|hi 
Farsi - Cristmas-e-shoma mobarak bashad 
Finnish - Hyvaa joulua 
French - Joyeux Noel 
Frisian - Noflike Krystdagen en in protte Lok en Seine yn it Nije Jier! 
German - Froehliche Weihnachten 
Greek - Kala Christouyenna! 
Hawaiian - Mele Kalikimaka 
Hebrew - Mo'adim Lesimkha. Chena tova 
Hindi - Shub Naya Baras 
Hungarian - Kellemes Karacsonyi unnepeket 
Icelandic - Gledileg Jol 
Indonesian - Selamat Hari Natal 
Iraqi - Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah 
Irish - Nollaig Shona Dhuit 
Italian - Buone Feste Natalizie 
Japanese - Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto 
Korean - Sung Tan Chuk Ha 
Latvian - Prieci'gus Ziemsve'tkus un Laimi'gu Jauno Gadu! 
Lithuanian - Linksmu Kaledu 
Manx - Nollick ghennal as blein vie noa 
Maori - Meri Kirihimete 
Marathi - Shub Naya Varsh 
Navajo - Merry Keshmish 
Norwegian - God Jul 
Pennsylvania German - En frehlicher Grischtdaag un en hallich Nei Yaahr! 
Polish - Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia 
Portuguese - Boas Festas 
Rapa-Nui -Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua 
Rumanian - Sarbatori vesele
Russian - Pozdrevlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva is Novim Godom 
Serbian - Hristos se rodi 
Slovakian - Sretan Bozic or Vesele vianoce 
Sami - Buorrit Juovllat 
Samoan - La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
Scots Gaelic - Nollaig chridheil huibh 
Serb-Croatian - Sretam Bozic. Vesela Nova Godina 
Singhalese - Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa 
Slovak - Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok 
Slovene - Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto 
Spanish - Feliz Navidad 
Swedish - God Jul and (Och) Ett Gott Nytt r 
Tagalog - Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon 
Tamil - Nathar Puthu Varuda Valthukkal 
Thai - Sawadee Pee Mai 
Turkish - Noeliniz Ve Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun 
Ukrainian - Srozhdestvom Kristovym 
Urdu - Naya Saal Mubarak Ho 
Vietnamese - Chung Mung Giang Sinh 
Welsh - Nadolig Llawen 
Yugoslavian - Cestitamo Bozic 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Classical Christmas 

Musical Advice to Christmas Shoppers Make out your Chopin Liszt
early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out 
Verdi good bargains and can still get gifts Faure good price, not have
to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide
you don't want.


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on 
the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Clyde!"
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The Bill Gates Christmas Song

(to the tune of "The Christmas Song") 
Netscape roasting on an open fire,
Apple begging on its knees,
Photo popping up on Time magazine,
Yes, Bill Gates dreams of days like these!

Everybody knows he's never fully satisfied,
Throws himself behind each task,
World dominion is his company's goal.
Well, hey, is that so much to ask?

He knows the world is in his sway,
We'll buy whatever software he might toss our way,
We'll surf his Internet, watch his TV,
He'll take us anywhere we ask him--for a fee.

And so we're offering this simple prayer,
To Bill and all his MS grunts:
Since we all follow any standard you write,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please, just once!


 T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
 He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
 Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
 I have good mind to scrap the whole works
  
 I've busted my ass for damn near a year
 Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear
 The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
 The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight
  
 Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
 Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
 And just when I thought that things would get better
 Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

 They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
 Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money
 And the kids these days - they all are the pits
 They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
  
 I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
 Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
 I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
 They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

 If you think that's bad...just picture this
 Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss
 They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
 And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird
 
 Flying through the air...dodging the trees
 Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
 I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
 I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
 There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
 I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!! 



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? 
Claustrophobic.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

SANTA CLAUS IS WIELDING A GUN

  (to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town")

Oh, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

He's making a list
And checking it twice
Gonna find out who
He's gonna ice
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

Don't give him any trouble
He'll blow you right away
Don't give him any cause to shoot
Or you'll make his Christmas Day

Oh, you better believe
He's packing a rod
No coal in your stocking
Just lead in your bod
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

He doesn't want cookies
Or none of that crud
He doesn't want milk
What he wants is your blood
Santa Claus is wielding a gun

(Music Bridge, with automatic arms fire)

He doesn't trust nobody
Shot all his reindeer dead
Thought Dancer was a sissy
And thought Rudoulph was a red

Oh, you better watch out
You better not pry
You better stay back
I'm telling you why

Santa Claus is wielding a gun


              Christmas Carol Quiz
(I think these were written by some bored lawyer)
See if you can correctly identify the following Christmas Songs:

 1. Small City in Judea
 2. Colorless Yuletide
 3. Singular Yearning for Twin Anterior Incisors
 4. Righteous Darkness
 5. Loyal Followers Advance
 6. Weather: Cloudless/Arrival time 2400
 7. Far Off in a Feeder
 8. Array the Corridors
 9. Our Monarchical Triad
10. Youthful Percussionist
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Father Christmas is en Route to Borough
13. Initial Christmas
14. Frozen Precipitation, Commence
15. Hans, The Quadruped with the Vermilion Proboscis
16. Query Regarding the Identity of Descendant
17. Delight for this Planet
18. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
19. Hence Arriveth Kris Kringle
20. To Descry Matriarchal Osculation of Yuletide Anthropomorph
21. At the Zenith of the Habitat
22. Endocarps Vesicating in a Conflagration
23. Jehovah Dulcify Blithe Chevaliers
24. The Dozen Festive 24-hour Intervals

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the 
prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offence", said the judge. "How early were you doing this
shopping?"
"Before the store opened", countered the prisoner. 


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

It's December 21st and you haven't picked up a Christmas present for
your boss?  Here is a simple, yet stylish alternative to the usual
office present:

Wrap a twenty dollar bill around a brick and throw it through the front
window of your boss' house.  S/he will be impressed that you went to the
trouble of finding out where he/she lives, as well as the fact that you
took the time to deliver the present personally.  Make sure that you
include a note with your name and address  so that your boss may express
his/her appreciation in an appropriate manner!  
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Star Trek Christmas Carols 

FROM JEAN-LUC PICARD
(to the tune of "Let It Snow"): 

Oh, the vacuum outside is endless,
Unforgiving, cold, and friendless,
But still we must boldly go--
Make it so, make it so, make it so!


FROM WILLIAM RIKER 
(to the tune of "Deck the Halls"): 

Here's a vexing Christmas riddle:
(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)
Why must I play second fiddle?
(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)
How can I impress Deanna
(Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la)
When I'm number two banana?
(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)


FROM WESLEY CRUSHER, Starfleet Cadet
(to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"): 

I'm at Starfleet Academy,
And I'd just like to say
I miss the opportunity
To weekly save the day--
To make things worse, I have to be
In some dumb Christmas play!
Yes, I'm bright, though I'm just a teenaged boy,
Only a boy,
And the Enterprise was my most favorite toy!


FROM DATA:
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells") 

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle all the way!
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh--
or so I am reliably informed; lacking a subjective and 
intuitively perceived referent for the term "fun," I am 
able only to report the phenomenon as experienced 
by others, whose individual perceptions somewhat color the-- yes, sir. 

 
WORF E-MAILED two different greetings.
The first appears to be to the tune of "White Christmas": 

I'm dreaming of a dead Pakled,
Just like the one in Rec Deck Eight.
They all think they've hidden,
But this one didn't,
And I'm using him as bait.
I'm dreaming of a dead Pakled--
Their mental skills are rather lame.
May your foes die sonless, in shame--
And I hope you're wishing me the same!


The second is most easily sung to the tune of "The Christmas Song"
("Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire"): 

Phasers flashing in the depths of space,
Ripping up an airtight hull;
Signs of fear on your enemy's face,
And life-support signs reading null!
Ev'rybody knows a Romulan's a spineless foe
Who lacks the Klingon will to fight!
Phaser beams set his torso aglow--
He'll find it hard to breathe tonight!
He knows that Worf is on his way!
And soon he'll be the object of the verb "to slay"!
And ev'ry slinking Rom and Pakled spy
Will soon become the subject of the verb "to die"!
And so I'm offering this simple threat
To Roms, and all Ferengi, too:
You'll be as dead as a life-form can get--
Merry Christmas to you!

 The X-Mas Files

57 ELM STREET BETHLEHEM, PA. 11:51 P.M., DECEMBER 24TH

We're too late! It's already been here.

Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.

Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted,
transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings
hung by the chimney, with care.

You really think someone's been here?

Someone ... or something.

Mulder, over here-it's a fruitcake.

Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."

It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

Who? What are you talking about?

Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at
great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near
the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to
reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of
anthracite. But that's legend, Mulder-a story told by parents to frighten
children.

Surely you don't believe it?

Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this
gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was
massive-and in a hurry.

It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been
completely drained.

It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.

But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were
locked. There's no sign of forced entry.

Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the
roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six
inches wide. Nothing could get down there.

But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?

You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my
home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur
surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white.
I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had
somehow taken on the facial features of my father.

Impossible.

I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr.
Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head!

I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics.
You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the
skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're
saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll
close the X-files.

Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're
awake.

But we have no proof.

Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the
airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.

But that was a meteor shower.

Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from
the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody-not even the zookeeper-was
told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project
Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will
stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail
markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this
creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to
insure another silent night.

Mulder, I-

Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?

On the roof. It sounds like ... a clatter.

The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.


If IBM ran Christmas...
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for
their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours
of mainframe processing time.

If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You
wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway.
Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel
countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up
95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament
that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other
decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft
ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree
types wouldn't work with their hooks.

If Apple ran Christmas...
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and
with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).

If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree
remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than
most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization' of color
combinations on the tree.

If Dell ran Christmas...
Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..??

If Fisher Price ran Christmas...
"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the
thing on the tree.

If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas...
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes.
Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would
know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone
number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be
highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about
them.

If the NSA ran Christmas...
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access
in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.

If DEC ran Christmas...
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?

If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic
on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after
the January Bowl Games.

If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an
ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device
attached conveniently to your belt.

If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an
authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight
about 7 pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.

If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster
than any other holiday during the year.

If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all
identical) at the same time.

If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you
take a licking and keep on shopping.

If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or
what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

If K-Tel ran Christmas...
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased some, they
would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives.

If University of Waterloo ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

 Q:  What do you call eight days of blowjobs?
 A:  Hanukkah Lewinsky!

	

<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Cats' Top Ten Favorite Christmas Songs:

10. Up on the Mousetop
 9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
 8. Joy to the Curled
 7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
 6. The First Meow
 5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
 4. Silent Mice
 3. Fluffy, the Snowman
 2. Jingle Balls
 1. Wreck the Halls!
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged:

 SCHIZOPHRENIA:
 Do you Hear What I Hear?

 MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
 We Three Queens Disoriented Are

 DEMENTIA:
 I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

 NARCISSISTIC:
 Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

 MANIC:
 Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and 
 Stores and  Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks 
 and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

 PARANOID:
 Santa Claus is Coming to Town (to Get Me).

 PERSONALITY DISORDER:
 You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll 
 tell you why.

 DEPRESSION:
 Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

 OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER
 Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,Jingle Bell,
Jingle
 Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
 Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
 Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
 Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell,
 Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
 Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
 Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle
 Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
 Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
 Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
 Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock............(Oops - better
 start again)

 PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY
 On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me 
(and then took it all away).

 BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER
 Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.


A letter from The Pentagon:   
            
 Dear America,        
        
 As this holiday comes to a close once again, and you recieved that 
 ever-so favorite Fruit Cake from your blessed in-laws... we ask you
 to think twice before trowing them away. 

 As you know, Congress is in the middle of another heated "Balanced 
 Budget" debate, and William Clinton will not allow any cuts in 
 Health Care and Schooling... so is indirectly attacking The Pentagon
 Budget. 

 However, at the same time he expects us to keep piece in Bosnia... 
 with a smaller budget.  Therefore, trying to keep a  maintain the US 
 superiority as a military force... we ask that the American public
 ship their Fruit Cakes to the Pentagon. Our team of engineers are
 working around the clock for various implementations of these in
 our weapons of Mass destruction beyond the obvious use of hand-to-
 hand combat: 

 1) The little nuts and stale fruit: Are perfect size for the M-16
    automatic weapons
        
 2) The Whole fruit Cake is the perfect size for hand-held Bazookas.
        
 3) Our chief engineer has figured out how to make an explosive
    device equivalent to a level 4 explosive device) using: Fruit
    Cake, an Egg Timer and a Stick of Chewing Gum (with wrapper)
        
 4) Gas Warfare: Throwing a Fruit Cake (after a year of marinating)
    into a closed enemy room, and allowing the alcoholic fumes to
    engulf the patrons lulling them into a drunken stupor.
        
 5) After proving that Fruit Cake is flamable, we have intergrated
    Fruit Cakes with our F-16's (replacing the modern day Stinger
    Missile) for short range dogfighting. In preliminary field
    testing, the fruit cake actually pentetrated the cockpict glass,
    the very same glass that was once thought to be shatter
    resistent... (I guess it is back to the drawing board again)
        
 6) Unfortunately, It has been discovered that using Fruit Cakes with
    our Stealth Bomber that has proven a bad choice. The once 
    "invisible" predator now shows up on enemy radar since the fumes
    of the Fruit Cake surround the body of the craft and thus reflect
    the planes location to every radar known to man.        
        
 These are our present modes of project "Sticky Buns" in hopes that
 this will compensate for the upcoming budget cuts. Dear America, we
 here at The Pentagon are trying to cut our budget to help the Senior
 Citizens of America and help provide lunches for the youth of 
 America, please help us help you. 

 Sincerly,
 Secretary of Defense. 

<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

	M E R R Y   C H R I S T M A S
                 ~ and ~
         H A P P Y   H O L I D A Y S

Thank you for letting me share my joke collection with you.
Thanks for sharing yours with me.  I hope that you have
a wonderful holiday and a happy, healthy and prosperous
New Year.
	           BGH

<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

I must express my gratitude
   for such a lovely gift.
Your thoughtfulness and taste is matched
   only by your thrift.
It's clear that you spared all expense,
   if you catch my drift.
Remove the anti-theft device
   when you again shoplift.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.
I've been here for hours, I cant stop to rest.
This rooms a disaster, just look at this mess !

Tommorow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need !
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

Theres a knock at the door and the telephones ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

I've had alI I can stand, I cant take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready !"

He looks all around and with total regret,
Says "Whats taking so long....arent you through in here yet ??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life !

He flees from the room in terror and pain
And screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE !!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell ?
Oh shit it's the pies !! They're burned all to hell !!

I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong ?? Is there still more ahead ??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.

Lord, dont get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shakey and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year,
You wont find me pulling my hair out in here.

I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesnt work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED !!!


TOO MUCH LOAD WILL KILL YOU

Adapted by Tiago Cruz from "Too much love will kill you", by Brian May.
        Dedicated to all student.dei.uc.pt users.

You're just the pieces of the machine you used to be
Too many users are pushing you far away from me
You're far away from being useful
And you're facing it alone for too much long

Oh, I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me,
About the hard load you are used to feel
In my tangled state of mind
I'm still wondering why I'm still using you

Too much load will kill you
If you can't get an upgrade
Torn between the users and your sluggish execution rate
You're headed for disaster 'cos the sysadmin never read the signs
Too much load will kill you every time

You're just the shadow of the machine you used to be
And it seems like there's no way out of this for you
I was used to get my work done
Now all I ever do is bring you down, oooh
How would it be if you were just a little faster 
Can't you see that's impossible to choose 
No there's no making sense of it
Every time I try you only get worse, oh yeah

Too much load will kill you
Just as sure as I can't read my mail
It'll drain the power that's in you
Make you plead and scream and crawl
And your sluginess will make me crazy
You're a victim of our time
Too much load will kill you, every time

Yeah, too much load will kill you
It'll make my life a hell
Yes too much load will kill you
And you do understand why
You'd give your memory, you'd sell your motherboard
But here it comes again
Too much load will kill you
In the end
In the end

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade 
teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected 
at his house. 

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of 
the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, 
but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his 
teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat 
the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of 
that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

MisterEd Sends:

WOMAN GIVES BIRTH TO EIGHT BABIES  ---
	May be charged with littering.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Max Lynam sends:

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her
grandmother In the forest and her mother said: "You'd better not go
out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because  the big bad wolf's out
and you know what he'll do; He'll lift up your little red dress, 
pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks
off."

But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said: "Don't
worry Mum, I've got it covered." So she was walking through the forest
when she came across the three little pigs.One of them ran out of the
brick house and said, "You shouldn't be out Tonight Little Red Riding
Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll Do if he catches
you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red
panties and screw your little red socks off."

So she pulled out the shotgun and said: "Don't worry boys. Got it
covered!"

As she continued through the forest she came across the Big Bad
Wolf  and he said: "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red
Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do. I'm going to lift
up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw
your little red socks off."

So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red
panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun
at him and said "NO! You're going to eat me like the fucking book
says."

 THE HISTORICAL ORIGIN OF THE MIDDLE FINGER

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to
draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting
in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree and the act of
drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the
bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began
mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,
saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"

Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this
symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like
"pleasant mother, pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for
the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant
cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative
'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction  with the
one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an
intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the
symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Teacher:   Are you chewing gum?
Little Johnny:   No, I'm Little Johnny.

Teacher:   I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
Little Johnny:   I hope you didn't either.

Teacher:   Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Father:   What's that?
Teacher:   With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>> advertisement <<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

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<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Q:  What's the difference between red and purple?
A:  The grip.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Dave Donges Sends:

A man walks into a bar one night.  He goes up to the bar and asks for 
a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." 
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, 
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" 
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy. 
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!"  exclaims the guy.  "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." 
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" 
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business." 



Q: Which is the odd one out?
- Chick Pea
- Green Bean
- Soya Bean
- Vibrator
A: Green Bean, all the others are meat substitutes...

Q: What do you get if you cross an Apple with a Nun?
A: A computer that will never go down on you!!

Q: What's worse than your doctor telling you you've got VD ?
A: Your dentist.



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Wayne Lasker (fondly dubbed the Sofa King) Sends: 
     **And he really did. I have the proof this time.

Ever wondered what surfers really meant when they meet the girls father
??? 
     **Not really Wayne, but I owe ya one :p

What he says - (what he means) 

When will she be home? Ten o'clock sir ! (next friday morning) 

Is that my van ? Work van sir !! (I work up a sweat as soon as I get your
virginal
daughter on her back in the back) 

What are my intentions ? To honour her sir !! (On 'er and off 'er all
night long ) 

Why don't I get a real job ? I have been looking sir !! ( At surf mags all
day,
can't wait to hit the water for an all morning session tomorrow ) 

Did someone run over my head with a lawn mower ? No sir, thats the way my 
hair looks when I get up in the morning !! ( After a night out with some
punker 
mates, banging heads up the front, moshing in the pit till 3am ) 

Have I been doing drugs ? NO way sir !!! ( Won't be able to afford any
till next
thursday when my unemployment cheque comes ) 

Are these my best clothes ? No Sir !! ( These are my only clothes ) 

Are all my mates surf bums ? No sir !! ( One had a job twice last year ) 

Is taking you daughter parking my idea of cultural entertainment ? No sir
!! 
( Its my idea of getting a cheap root ) 

Do my parents let me out of the house looking like this ? Yes sir !! ( Dad
was 
pissed and out of it while mum was off her nut on valium at bingo ) 

Am I one of those new age greenie pinko commie reds ? No sir !! ( I wasn't
aware 
the Liberal Party had changed its name ) 

Do I belive in God ? Oh yes sir !! ( I have all his albums at home ) 

Am I a Christian Catholic ? Isn't that an oxymoron sir ? ( No sir I didn't
call you a 
moron, ya silly old fart ) 

What am I doing with my life ? Searching sir ..... FOR THE PERFECT WAVE. 
So keep ya daughter. I'm outta here. She would have only kept me out of
the water !!! 


WHERE IS GOD?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively
mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their
parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town
their two young sons were in some way involved.  

The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' 
behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been 
successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband
if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. 
The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before
I really lose my temper!"

The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them
individually. The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman
sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" 

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in 
an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt
to answer.  So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his
finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming
himself in the closet. His older brother followed him into the closet
and asked what had happened.

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is
missing and they think we did it."



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Rejected Hallmark Cards

Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over, love
You're about to get fisted.

Roses are crap
Violets are wanky
Oooh I've just come
Pass me a hanky.

Roses are stupid
Violets are silly
Grease up your flaps
Cuz here comes my willy.

Roses are awful
Violets are the pits
Lift up your shirt
And show us your tits.

Roses make me laugh
Violets make me titter
You're a dirty bitch
And you love it up the shitter.

Roses are red
Violets are finer
Chickens are fowl
just like your vagina.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

I know that we've all seen some of these floating around the net,
but here is the true source and of course from my absolute, all-time,
#1, fav...well...you get the idea;

    "10 Things That Piss Me Off"   
      by George Carlin
 
 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.  I
    know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours?  Do I
    point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
 
 2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
 
 3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire
    room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and
    change the channel manually.
 
 4. When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
    too".Fuck off.  What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?
    What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
 
 5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of
    course it is.  Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've
    found it? Do people do this?  Who and where are they?
 
 6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No
    dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theater and stare at the friggin'
    ceiling up there.  What did you come here for?
 
 7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band.
    Don't drink and drive.  I don't".  Well, I hope you don't drive
    sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for fuck's sake !
 
 8. People, who ask, "Can I ask you a question?"  Didn't really give
    me a choice, did ya there buddy?
 
 9. When something is "new and improved", which is it?  If it's new,
    then there has never been anything before it.  If it's an
    improvement, then there must have been something before it.
 
 10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you
     were going.  You should know asshole; you fucking pulled me over.


 IMPORTANT!
READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE
 
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that should
give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
Which is why we ask you to: Please, for God's sake, read this owner's
manual carefully before you unpack the device... You already unpacked it,
didn't you ? You unpacked it and plugged it in and turned it on and fiddle
with the knobs, didn't you?  And now your child, the same one who once
shoved a Polish Sausage into your Video Cassette Recorder and set it to
'Fast Forward' is also fiddling with the knobs, right ? Hell, we might as
well just break these damn things before we ship them out, you know that?
Sorry! We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting
back 'defective' merchandise where it turns out that the consumer
inadvertently bathed the device in Iced Tea for six days. So, in writing
these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled
with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? 
Now let's talk about:  
   1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who
like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. Please inspect
the contents carefully for evidence of spear jabs or bottle caps, pull
tabs, candy wrappers and Lord knows what else.
WARNING: Do not ever, as long as you live, throw away the box or any of
the pieces of styrofoam, especially the ones shaped like peanuts. If you
attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single
peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited
by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.
Besides the device, the box should contain:
   * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say 'WARNING'
   * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets
   * Two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns
You will need to supply:
   * a matrix wrench 
   * 60,000 feet of tram cable.
If anything is damaged or missing: You immediately should turn to your
spouse and say 'Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without
a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why.'
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret, and not
something else.
   2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical
industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent
consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their
appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the plug where one
prong is bigger than the other.
Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new plug whose prongs
consist of six small religious figurines made of chocolate.
Adapters are sold separately and require 16 weeks for delivery.  Please
call 1-900-YOU-FOOL for current pricing. (You must be 18 or older to call;
$17.95/minute. Average call duration: 3 hours)
Do not try to plug it in! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but
out of direct sunlight, and clean it first with a damp handkerchief.
Then, give us a call.
   3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE  WARNING:
We manufacture only the attractive designer case. The actual working parts
are manufactured in Japan. The instructions were translated by Mrs. Shirley
Peltwater of accounts receivable, who has never actually been to Japan
(or anywhere else for that matter), but has a second cousin who once was.

INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, we advising that:
NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking
the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If
this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a
kindly (something) virepoint from Drawing B.

   4. WARRANTY
Be it hereby known that this device, together with (but not excluding)
all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted against all defects,
failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and next Thursday
afternoon and shall be repaired/replaced at no cost to the owner. After
that time, a slight service and shipping charge shall apply.  Information
on this extended warranty is available from Mr. Lance Haskill of the Last
National Bank's Third Mortgage Department in Last Gasp, Wyoming.

This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.

	

<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was
eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by
herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids
enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. 

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same
spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your
friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman 
suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you
standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the
goalie!"
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this
inscription: "You are not getting older. You are just getting
better."

Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are
not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at
the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he
discovered that the cake read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP. 
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

 "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- 
 Do You Want Fries With That?"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


This should help you out during final exams!! =)

      "I Will Survive" (College Remix)          

 At first I was afraid
 Now I'm petrified 
 That I just can't keep my GPA  of two point five.
 I spent all those stupid nights... 
 I was just chillin' way too long
 And that was wrong 
 But now I know I must be strong
 And now they're back
 They're in my face 
 I've got 3 finals and 2 papers
 to be done in just five days!  
 I should never have gone out
 And I should never have partied
 'Cause now all this work I have
 It's all piling up on me! 
 And I must go  to the libraryo
 To do research on those papers 
 And study harder than before
 It's hell, I'll tell you that 
 and you know it's not a lie
 But I can't crumble 
 I can't lay down and die 
 Oh no not I!  
 I will survive!
 If I keep a 2 point O  
 At least I'll be alive!
 I've got five more days to live 
 and I think my brain will give
 But I'll survive! 
 I will survive! 


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Seen on a Baby-Sized T-Shirt:
 "Party - My Crib - Two A.M."

<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>
Craig Milton Sends:

All the best in 1999!  (...you now have only 365 days left to 
stock-up on bottled water...)

You might work in IT/Telecoms if ...
1.  You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three 
different companies.
2.  Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
3.  Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
4.  Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um.
5.  You have to call home to check the weather.
6.  When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
7.  You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
8.  You learn about your layoff on CNN.
9.  Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your 
best jokes.
10. Your supervisor hasn't the ability to do your job assignment.
11. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
12. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher 
than all the Third World countries' annual budgets.
13. Your home phone has none of the features you developed cuz 
you're never there.
14. Your 2 yr old kid knows how to get to your company and to your 
cube. And it is referred to as daddy's/mommy's room.
15. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
16. It's dark when you drive to and from work.
17. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
18. Communication is something your group is having problems with.
19. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
20. A tie is hanging in your cube.
21. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
22. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
23. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
24. Art involves a white board.
25. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
26. When 100% of your time means 20 hours.
27. You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say 
"Oh wow, thanks!"
28. All real work gets started after 5pm or on weekends.
29. Everyone fights fires (i.e. problems).
30. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
31. Plants in your cube are healthier than your plants at home.
32. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", 
"in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an 
opportunity for you."
33. Nobody knows what 10% of the people you work with 
(boss included) actually do.
34. Vacation is something you rollover to next year or a check 
you get every January.
35. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with 
computers" or "does something with telephones"
36. Change is the norm.
37. Nepotism is encouraged.
38. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures 
are hanging in your cube.
39. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
40. You read this entire list and understood it.
(...been there!..)


 The Rules for Driving in New York City

 1) When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow
oncoming traffic to pass.

 2) Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings
himself  under the wheels of your car.

 3) The first parking space you see will be the last
parking space you see. Grab it.

 4) Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body
work.

 5) Always look both ways when running a red light.

 6) Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They
only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.

 7) Making eye contact revokes your right of way.

 8) Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to
ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And 
if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up, honk 
or yell obsceneties loudly and chase him back upon the curb.  
Pedestrians have no rights.



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things
around the house that he used to do. When the examination was
complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English
what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell 
my wife."
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

	Overtime

Oh Husband, Dear Husband, I tremble with fear.
You've been on overtime almost a year,
And since you are gone, till way late at night,
A good piece of ass seems way out of sight..

O Husband, Dear Husband, Please don't be a fool,
Working this overtime is wasting your tool..
For better it is, to be poor all your life,
Than to bring a soft peter home to your wife..

I used to be happy as your little queen,
But now every night you're no where to be seen.
You come home from work just able to creep,
I feel like screwing, but you want to sleep..

Each evening, Dear Husband, you crawl into bed,
Your intentions are good but your peter is dead.
I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry,
I get so damn mad, I could lay down and cry..

I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes,
I've played with your balls, but your pecker wont rise.
So I'll find me a man who works eight hours a day,
And while you're on O.T., we'll proceed to make hay..

For in this whole world, there is only one sin,
For which there is no pardon, and never has been.
And that is a man who's so foolish and mean,
That he gives up his fucking to run a machine.



SOME BETTER DIFINITIONS:

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing
in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they
are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more
damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Q:  What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting 
      circumcised?
A:  When you get a divorce, you get rid of the dick.



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Windows 2000

Redmond, WA (UPI) -- 
Microsoft announced today that the official release
date for the new operating system "Windows 2000"
will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

"I have such poor vision I can date anybody." --Garry Shandling
       
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." --Rita
Rudner
       
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.  At least 
they can find Kuwait."  --A. Whitney Brown
       
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright
       
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set.  I was getting C-Span
and the Home Shopping Network on the same station.  I actually bought a
congressman."  --Bruce Baum
       
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is 
suffering from some form of mental illness.  Think of your three
bestfriends.  If they are okay, then it's you."  --Rita Mae Brown

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something
else."  --Lily Tomlin
       
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same
thing:  'This looks much better on.'  On what?  On fire?" --Rita Rudner

"USA Today has come out with a new survey:  Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population."  --David Letterman
       
"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and
spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing."  --Bob Saget
       
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom & Gomorrah an
apology."  --Jay Leno
       
"I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don't know what to feed
it."  --Steven Wright
       
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
dead."  --Johnny Carson
       
"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?" --John Mendoza
       
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds.  I hold them above
globes.  They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' " --Bruce Baum

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
accept God's final word on where your lips end."  --Jerry Seinfeld

"I think that's how Chicago got started.  A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough.  Let's go west.'"  --Richard Jeni


Secrets of Personal Growth
                  
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner
sociopath. 

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of
suspicion and paranoia. 

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are
someone else's fault. 

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want
to stay employed. 

5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. 

6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over
others. 

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment. 

8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no
personality at all. 

9. Joan of Arc heard voices too. 

10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
self-righteous people around me. 

11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and
complain. 

12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in
many ways to keep me quiet. 

13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a
lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying. 

14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do
nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things. 

15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun. 

16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts. 

17. I am at one with my duality. 

18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots. 

19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with
imaginary fears. 

20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 69th birthday. 

21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and
local laws. 

22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no
sweeter words than "I told you so!" 

23. False hope is better than no hope at all. 

24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution. 

25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my
underwear in the Dream Motel. Instead, I will move my computer into the
bedroom. 

26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I'll find
someone. 

27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it
worrying about the future? 

28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is
working. 

29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage. 

30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next
step of blaming my parents. 

31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm
giving as much as I'm getting. 

32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn
from them. 

33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he
gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

34. All of the evil that I speak, hear, and see, are pleasurable to me.

35. The only friend I have ...moved to parts unknown.

36. When counting my blessings , I count backwards from one.

37. They no longer allow me into the confessional.

38. The person I admire the most is Elmer Fudd.

39. I enjoy watching a magazine stand.

40. Experience shows that people who write, can't be trusted.

41. When I am here I wish I was there....and I am.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

  The worst computer virus known to modern technology is the idiot.



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Q:  Did you hear about the leper playing poker?
A:  He threw in a rotten hand.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

It's winter!  Time to go skiing!

A Skier's Dictionary
condensed from "Skiing: A Skier's Dictionary"
Henry Bread and Roy McKie

Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe.  Also a shouted request 
for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain.  An 
appropriate reply: "What's Zermatter?"

Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly 
frighten timid individuals away from the sport.  See also: Blizzard, 
Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially 
serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the 
skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so 
on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from 
serious injury.

Bones: There are 206 in the human body.  No need for dismay, however:
two bones of the middle ear have never beeen broken in a skiing accident.

Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain 
snow-travelling technique.  It's good exercise.  It doesn't require the 
purchase of costly lift tickets.  It has no crowds or lines.  It isn't 
skiing.  See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic 
wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the 
ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping 
through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy 
powder of a deep, wind-sculped drift.

Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the
slopes:
*Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of
stairs.
*Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and 
your poles in your lap for 30 minutes.
*Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, 
holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict 
circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; 
they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any 
dampness within to escape.

Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers.  
The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak 
force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which 
produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots.  See Inertia.

Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or 
speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion.  Goes along with 
these other physical laws:
* Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have 
the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital 
bills.
* Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a 
parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe.
* When an irrestible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer 
will immediately appear.

Prejump: Manuever in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just 
ahead of a bump.  Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before 
losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream 
and a few pregroans.

Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point 
where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from
the strained ankle begins.

Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the 
hill.  Another warming skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" - 
which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.

Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms 
straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands 
forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little 
crossed and darting in all directions.  Your lips should be quivering, 
and you should be mumbling, "Why?"

Thor: Thcandinavian god of acheth and painth.

Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple 
methods of reducing speed.

Tree: The other method.


40 WAYS MEN FAIL IN BED
> >
> >
> >     1)  NOT KISSING FIRST.  Avoiding her lips and diving straight 
> for
> the
> >     erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour 
> and
> >     trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. 
> >     A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
> >
> >     2)  BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.  Admit it, some kid at school 
> told
> >     you girls love this.  Well, there's a difference between being 
> >     erotic
> >     and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on 
> your
> >     50th
> >     birthday cake.  That hurts.
> >
> >     3)  NOT SHAVING.  You often forget you have a porcupine strapped

>
> to
> >     your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face 
> and
> >     thighs.  When she turns her head from side to side, it's not 
> >     passion,
> >     it's avoidance.
> >
> >     4)  SQUEEZING HER BREAST.  Most men act like a housewife testing

> a
> >     melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair.  Stroke, 
> >     caress, and smooth them.
> >
> >     5)  BITING HER NIPPLES.  Why do men fasten onto a woman's 
> nipples,
> >     then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her 
> >     breasts?  Nipples are highly sensitive.  They can't stand up to 
> >     chewing.  Lick and suck them gently.  Flicking your tongue
> across
> >     them
> >     is good.  Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't. 
> >
> >     6)  TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.  Stop doing that thing where you 
> twiddle
> >     the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find 
> a
> >     radio station in a hilly area.  Focus on the whole breasts, not 
> >     just
> >     the exclamation points.
> >
> >     7)  IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.  A woman is not a 
> highway
> >     with just three turnoffs:  Breastville East and West, and the 
> >     Midtown
> >     Tunnel.  There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored 
> far
> >     too
> >     often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina.  So start

>
> >     paying them some attention.
> >
> >     8)  GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.  Poor manual dexterity in the 
> underskirt
> >     region can result in tangled fingers and underpants.  If you're 
> >     going
> >     to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

>
> >
> >     9)  LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.  Condom disposal is the man's 
> >     responsibility.  You wore it, you store it.
> >
> >     10)  ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.  Direct pressure is very 
> unpleasant,
> so
> >     gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris. 
> >
> >     11)  STOPPING FOR A BREAK.  Women, unlike men, don't pick up 
> where
> >     they left off.  If you stop, they plummet back to square one 
> very
> >     fast.  If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs,

>
> numb
> >     jaw or not.
> >
> >     12)  UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.  Women hate looking stupid, but 
> stupid
> >     she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over 
> her
> >     head.  Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy. 
> >
> >     13)  GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.  Stroking her gently 
> through
> >     her panties can be very sexy.  Pulling the material up between 
> her
> >     thighs and yanking it back and forth is not. 
> >
> >     14)  BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.  Although most men can find

>
> the
> >     clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is 
> where
> >     it's all at.  No sooner is your hand down there than you're 
> trying
> >     to
> >     stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney.  This is okay in principle,

>
> >     but
> >     if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. 
> >     It's
> >     best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of 
> her
> >     vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if

> >     she
> >     likes it.
> >
> >     15)  MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.  You're attempting to give her a 
> sensual,
> >     relaxing massage to get her in the mood.  Hands and fingertips 
> are
> >     okay; elbows and knees are not. 
> >
> >     16)  UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.  Don't force the issue by stripping

>
> >     before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff 
> off,
> >     even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons. 
> >
> >     17)  TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.  A man in socks and underpants

>
> is a
> >     at his worst.  Lose the socks fist. 
> >
> >     18)  GOING TOO FAST.  When you get to the penis-in-vagina 
> situation,
> >     the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power

>
> >     tool
> >     -  she'll soon feel lie an assembly-line worker made obsolete by

>
> >     your
> >     technology.  Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular 
> >     thrusts.
> >
> >     19)  GOING TOO HARD.  If you bash your great triangular hip 
> bones
> into
> >     her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of 
> horseback
> >     riding concentrated into a few seconds. 
> >
> >     20)  COMING TOO SOON.  Every man's fear.  With reason.  If you 
> shoot
> >     before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a 
> backup
> >     plan to ensure her pleasure too. 
> >
> >     21)  NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.  It may appear to you that humping 
> for an
> >     hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's

>
> >     more
> >     likely the mark of a numb vagina.  At least buy some intriguing 
> >     wall
> >     hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're

>
> >     playing Marathon Man.
> >
> >     22)  ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.  You really ought to be able to 
> tell.
> >     Most women make noise.  But if you really don't know, don't ask.

> >
> >     23)  PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.  Don't act like a giant cat

>
> at a
> >     saucer of milk.  Get your whole mouth down there, and 
> concentrate
> >     on
> >     gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris. 
> >
> >     24)  NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.  Men persist in doing this until 
> she's
> >     eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to
> >     mouth-to-penis.  All women hate this.  It's about three steps 
> from
> >     being dragged to a cave by their hair.  If you want her to use 
> her
> >     mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her. 
> >
> >     25)  NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.  Sperm tastes like sea 
> water
> >     mixed with egg white.  Not everybody likes it.  When she's 
> >     performing
> >     oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's 
> necessary.
> >
> >     26)  MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.  Don't thrust.  She'll do 
> all
> the
> >     moving during fellatio.  You just lie there.  And don't grab her

>
> >     head.
> >
> >     27)  TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.  In X-rated 
> movies,
> >     women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them.  In real 
> life,
> >     it
> >     just means more laundry to do. 
> >
> >     28)  MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.  Asking her to be on top 
> is
> >     fine.  Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is 
> >     not.
> >     Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like 
> the
> >     captain of a schooner.  And let her have a rest. 
> >
> >     29)  ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This

>
> is
> >     how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow 
> directions.
> >     If
> >     you want to put it there, ask her first.  And don't think that 
> >     being
> >     drunk is an excuse.
> >
> >     30)  TAKING PICTURES.  When a man says, "Can I take a photo of 
> you?"
> >     she'll hear the words "...to show my buddies."  At least let her

>
> >     have
> >     custody of them.
> >
> >     31)  NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.  Imagination is anything from

>
> >     drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking

>
> it
> >     off.  Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; 
> hot
> >     candle wax and permanent dye are a no no. 
> >
> >     32)  SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.  There is no less 
> erotic
> >     noise.  It's as sexy as a belching contest. 
> >
> >     33)  ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.  If she wants to do advanced

>
> yoga
> >     in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too

> >     ambitious.  Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with
> snapped
> >     hamstrings.
> >
> >     34)  LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.  Read this carefully:  Anal 
> stimulation
> >     feels good for men because they have a prostate.  Women don't. 
> >
> >     35)  GIVING LOVE BITES.  It is highly erotic to exert some 
> gentle
> >     suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully.  No 
> woman
> >     wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks 
> on
> >     end.
> >
> >     36)  BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.  Don't shout encouragement like a 
> coach
> >     with a megaphone.  It's not a big turn-on. 
> >
> >     37)  TALKING DIRTY.  It makes you sound like a lonely magazine 
> editor
> >     calling a 1-900 line.  If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you 
> >     know.
> >
> >     38)  NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.  You have to finish the job. 
> Keep
> >     on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same

>
> >     for
> >     you.
> >
> >     39)  SQUASHING HER.  Men generally weigh more than women, so if 
> you
> >     lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue. 
> >
> >     40)  THANKING HER.  Never thank a woman for having sex with you.

>
> >     Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen. 
> >
>
>
>
>
>
> " If space is a vacuum....who changes the bag?" 

Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de 
Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his 
own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the 
orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an 
outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a 
large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a 
quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and 
then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line 
double-valve bass trombone.

Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through 
bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone 
would shield me from the explosion and instead, would focus the 
energy of the blast outward and away from me, propelling the mute 
high above the orchestra, like a rocket."

However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified 
to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up 
before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of 
the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear 
the orchestra.

What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during 
those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he 
failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast 
propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and 
viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight 
into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and 
directly into the front row of the audience.

Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus 
they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed 
under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying 
conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who 
in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so 
on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs 
and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased 
logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and 
brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the 
Overture.

Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, 
back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to 
Paolo, "Just as I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to 
stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt 
searing pain to my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a 
Austrian accent say "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un 
opposeet reakshon!" Well, this should come as no surprise, for 
Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this 
fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe 
of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a 
super heated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the 
trombone which exited the mouthpiece burning his lips and face.
  
The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast 
was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the 
middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling 
Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo 
fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone 
allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn 
to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into 
the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.
  
The moral of the story? Beware the next time you hear someone in 
the trombone section yell out "Hey, everyone, watch this!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Megan Hughes Sends:

What do you call a black hooker with braces?
A Black and Decker pecker wrecker.



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

     If The Bible Were Written By College Students:

Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold. 

The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written
in a large font. 

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food. 

Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates. 

Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes. 

Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: 
They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen. 

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh,
He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled
an all-nighter. 
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Freezn Sends:

Now my wife just left and the well went dry,
and my horse is sick and about to die.

Then my still blew up and the barn burned down,
and the road washed out on the way to town.

Then my dog got rabies and bit the cat,
and they both died soon after that.

Now I lost my specs and my pipe stem broke,
so I can't even sit and read and smoke.

Then a tree fell on the chicken shed,
and most of the hens got smashed plumb dead.

Then a chimney fire took half of a wall,
and this old shack is about to fall.

Then I caught my heel on an old dead vine,
and sat smack dab on a porcupine.

Then a beaver dam broke an' my bridge washed out,
and my watch stopped working and I've got the gout.

And the bank foreclosed so I've lost my place,
and my cos disappeared without a trace.

They cut off my credit at the grocery store,
and I lost my job and a whole lot more.

I must have been hexed by a triple curse,
as things keep going from bad to worse.

And now fate has hit me a last dirty crack;
to top-off  the worst - my wife's coming back.


An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had 
a malfunction, and went down.

A few weeks later, Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They 
searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.  They walked 
up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything 
about the crash.

The Chief said, "Yeah." 

When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied,
"We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." 
The Rescue crew were shocked.

One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" 
The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi"

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"
The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did 
you.. you know...eat their...'things'??"

The chief says, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief,  "THINGS go better with Coke."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the 
Pearly Gates.  St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, 
but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for 
about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring
above the Rocky mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will 
any of  this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep
track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a
stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter
to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?"

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere
over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could 
prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" Asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Two friends were discussing the public trend towards more traditional 
family values, sex, marriage, etc.

Morris said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married, did you?"

"I'm not sure" said the friend, "What was her maiden name?"
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>




Male Answer Syndrome

In the animal kingdom, males exhibit what is known as "display behavior" 
in order to attract females and to ward off rival males. They thrust out
their chests, ruffle their plumage, and generally try to appear more 
impressive than they really are. On nature shows, this is comic. It 
appears comic, too, when it shows up among humans: the guy in the 
Camaro with all the gold chains, say, or Vanilla Ice's haircut. It has
been discovered that display behavior is much more common among 
humans than had been previously believed.

Have you ever wondered why:

* Men who have never been west of Kentucky can tell you about the 
mentality of the Japanese? 

* Men who can't pay their credit-card bills have a plan for dealing
with the national debt? 

* Men who aren't on speaking terms with their families know how to 
achieve peace in the Middle East? 

* Men who flunked high-school physics can explain what went wrong
at NASA? 

* Men who haven't had a date in six months know what women 
really want?

Try an experiment: Ask my friend Jeff, who spends his weekends fixing
up his Harley and watching female mud wrestling, how he thinks political 
autonomy will affect the economies of the Baltic states.

His brow will furrow; he will purse his lips thoughtfully. "It's
interesting that you mention that...," he will begin, and then he will come
up with something-probably nothing remotely feasible, but something.

This behavior-the chronic answering of questions regardless of actual
knowledge is known as Male Answer Syndrome. The compulsion to 
answer varies from person to person, but few men are happy saying, 
"I don't know." They prefer, "That's not what's important here."

They try not to get bogged down by petty considerations, such as, "Do I
know anything about this subject?" or "Is what I have to say interesting?" 
They take a broad view of questions, treating them less as requests for 
specific pieces of information than as invitations to expand on some 
theories, air a few prejudices, and tell a couple of jokes. Some men seem 
to regard life as a talk show on which they are the star guest. If you
ask, 
"What is the capital of Peru?" they hear, "So tell us a bit about your
early 
years, Bob."

Sometimes this expansiveness is appealing. If you ask a woman, "Why did
Madonna go on the David Letterman Show?" she will simply shrug helplessly,
acknowledging that some things are simply unknowable. A man, on the other
hand, will come up with a few theories (she has the same agent? overdose
of 
Prozac).  Men have the courage and inventiveness to try to explain the
inexplicable.

But Male Answer Syndrome (MAS) is by no means harmless, as my friend 
Pauline discovered at the age of 8. She had found that eating ice cream
made
her teeth hurt and asked her father whether Eskimos had the same problem.
"No," he said. "They have rubber teeth." Pauline repeated this information 
in a geography lesson and found herself the laughing stock of the class.
That
was how she learned that a man, even if he is your own father, would rather
make up an answer than admit to his ignorance.

Later in life women run into the same problem: Men can speak with such
conviction that women may be fooled into thinking that they actually know 
what they're talking about.

My friend Jeff (he of the Harley) is full of expertise on subjects as
diverse as global warming and Elvis' current whereabouts. In reality,
however,
he is an expert at only one thing: making very little knowledge go a very
long
way. For him answering is a game, and not knowing what he's talking about
 just adds to the thrill.

Expressing skepticism can be highly inflammatory. Even mild-mannered Abe
Lincoln types may react to, "Are you sure about that?" as a vicious slur on
their manhood and find themselves backing up a ludicrous assertion with
spurious facts.

Many women actively encourage male answering behavior. There is in the 
female correlative condition known as the Say What? Complex. Women who 
behind closed doors expound eloquently on particle physics may be found,
in 
male company, gaping at the news that the earth is round.

MAS tends to be mild until puberty; boys begin to speak with authority on
matters of foreign policy at the same time they start to grow facial hair.
And
how MAS developed: Since killing wooly mammoths and attacking enemies 
with rocks are now frowned upon, and since shirts open to the navel are 
not appropriate in every social situation, men prove their masculinity by
concocting elaborate theories about football.

Growing awareness of MAS has led some to call for a moratorium on all 
male-female conversation. This is alarmist. But care should be taken. 
Women must remind themselves that if a man tells them something
particularly interesting there is a good chance that it is particularly
untrue.
 
**This bears remarkable resemblance to Dave Barry's style however,
no copyright info was provided with this submission, if anyone knows
who the author of this piece is please send.  TIA.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Jesus walked in to a hotel.
The guy behind the counter asks "can I help you?"
Jesus slaps three nails on the counter and says,
"Can you put me up for the night?"


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

There was a young man from St. Paul's
Who read Harper's Bazaar and McCall's
Till he grew such a passion
For feminine fashion
That he knitted a snood for his balls.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

The first day after Christmas my true love and I had a fight, 
so I chopped the pear tree down, and burnt it just for spite.
Then with a single cartridge I shot that blasted partridge.
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas I pulled on the old rubber gloves,
And very gently wrung the necks of both the turtle doves.
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the third day after Christmas my mother caught the croup,
I had to use the three French hens to make some chicken soup.

The four calling birds were a big mistake for their language was obscene.

The five golden rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas the six laying geese wouldn't lay,
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the S.P.C.A.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found,
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned.

The eighth day after Christmas before they could suspect, I bundled 
up the Eight maids-a-milking, nine ladies dancing, ten lords-a-leaping, 
Eleven pipers piping, twelve drummers drumming...
Well, actually I kept one of the drummers *eg*
And sent them back collect, 
I wrote my true love "We are through, love!"
And I said in so many words, "Furthermore your Christmas gifts 
were for the birds!" Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle
doves And a partridge in a pear tree!"


Astrology for Southerners:

Okra     Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the
inside.  Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look 
back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere.
Stay away from Moon Pies.

Chitlin     Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds.  Many times they're
uncomfortable talking about just where they came from.  A chitlin,
however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has
plenty of seasoning.  When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be 
very careful.  Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and
this can make for a really terrible mess.  Chitlins are best with
Catfish and Okra.  Remember that when marriage time rolls around. 
No, not with a Moon Pie.

Boll Weevil     Feb 20-Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity.  You're unsatisfied with the
surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the
interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and
driven as if you had some inner hunger.  Nobody in their right mind
is going to marry you, not even a Moon Pie, so don't worry about it.

Moon Pie     Mar 21-April 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch.  
It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies.  
Big and round are the key words here.  You should marry anybody 
who you can get remotely interested in the idea.  It's not going to
be easy.  This might be the year to think about aerobics.  Maybe not.

Possum    APR 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked
tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it-attitude.
Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're
dead.  This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but
seems to work for you.  One day, however, it won't work and you may
find your problems actually running you over. No room in you life 
for Moon Pies.

Crawfish     May 22 - June 21
Crawfish is a water sign.  If you work in an office, you're always
hanging around the water cooler.  Crawfish prefer the beach to the
mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living
room.  You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but 
you have very very good heads. Keep a distance from Moon Pies.

Collards     June 22-July 23
Collards have a genius for communication.  They love to get in the
"melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of
those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists,
and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are
Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work.  Save
yourself a lot of heartache.

Catfish     July 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one:
Whiskers, may cause problems for loved ones.  Your catfish are never
easy people to understand.  You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear
surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon
Pies.

Grits     Aug 24 - Sept 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself.  You like to
huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits.  You love to travel,
though so maybe you should think about joining a club.  Where do you
like to go?  Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or
eggs.  If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that
serves you well.

Boiled Peanuts     Sept 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man.  Unfortunately,
those who know you best -- your friends and loved ones-may find that
your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably
affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you
appear.  You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to
because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life.  On the road of
life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for
you. Except Moon Pies, they'll run you over.

Butter Bean     October 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with
everybody.  You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud.  You've grown on
the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting.
You can sit next to anybody.  However, you too, shouldn't have
anything to do with Moon Pies.

Armadillo     Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually
quite gentle.  A good evening for you?  Old friends, a fire, some 
roots, fruit, worms and insects.  You are a throwback.  You're not
concerned with today's fashions and trends.  You're not concerned
with anything about today.  You're really almost prehistoric in your
interests and behavior patterns.  You probably want to marry another
Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.
Stay away from Moon Pies.

**HEY!! Wait a minute... I'M A MOON PIE!!   :(   

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

CanSomebodyPleaseFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies:

 1. I will try to figure out why I really need 7 e-mail addresses
     
 2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife.

 3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

 4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm
     with which I answer my e-mail.

 5. I resolve to back up my 1GB hard drive daily
    ...well, once a week...okay,  monthly then...or maybe...
    I should upgrade to something worth backing up.

 6. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet.

 7. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?"
     I won't reply "MS Tech Support."

 8. I *will* RTFM! Maybe I should find out what that 
     means first.

 9. I will think of a password other than "password".

10. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning.      
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

What He Hopes / Is Afraid You're Thinking About Sex:

Kissing/Light Petting 
What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm
powerless before your seductive ways!" 
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!" 

Undressing 
What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!" 
What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!" 

Foreplay/Oral Sex 
What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your
impressive manhood for hours." 
What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he 
comes, I'm going to kill him." 

Penetration 
What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in
half!" 
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?" 

Your Orgasm 
What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!" 
What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy 
Award for this performance." 
What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, 
(other guy's name here), yes!" 

Postcoital Bliss 
What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake 
feels like." 
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian 
friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."   


The middle-aged couple visited a sex clinic to complain that their
sex life had gotten boring.

Each night, the man would come home and his wife would prepare
supper. After supper, they'd watch two hours of television.
Immediately afterwards, they would go to bed. From that point on,
every move was routine.

"No wonder," the sex therapist said. "You've made sex monotonous. 
Stop living on a schedule. Start having sex whenever you feel like
it. Don't wait until bedtime each night to do it. Do it whenever
you're in the mood."

The couple took the advice and returned the following week.
"How did things work out?" the sex therapist asked.

The man and his wife were beaming. "It worked! It worked great! Two
nights after we saw you, we were eating supper when I noticed that
although it was only seven o'clock, I had this huge erection that was
unstoppable. Wifey here was staring at it with longing eyes. So I
didn't wait for any shower or any news broadcast. Instead, I reached
out, ripped off her blouse and bra. Then I tore off her panties. I
flung her right onto the table, spilling all the wine and soup in the
process. Then I unzipped and we had sex like we've never had it
before!"

"That's wonderful!" said the sex therapist. "I told you it would work
if you did it when the spirit moved you!"

"Only one thing," said the man a little sadly. "They're never going
to let us into that restaurant again."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. 
Why should I leave the house?
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

These three women were roommates.  One night they all had all gone
out on dates and all came home at about the same time.  

The blonde said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come
home with your hair all messed up."  

The brunette said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you
come home with your makeup all smeared."

The redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her
panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.  She said,
"Now THAT'S a good date!!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A group of children lived near a cemetry that was situated round a
suburban church.

They would often play near a hedge adjacent to the graves and while
there hear the ministers conducting services.

One day they played funerals and dug a grave in which they buried a
pretend casket. One of them intoned the prayers and ended with what
he assumed the minister was saying;

In the name of the Father, and of the Son...

And in the hole he goes!


For all of those "Warning" E-Mails we received throughout the year,
you will definately appreciate this one!

I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering
from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his
bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got
out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he
saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" But he was afraid to use
his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was
a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he
opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax
because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on
software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around.
His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers
get together & distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under
the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true-I read it all last week in a
mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free
Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to 
everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay
phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-
return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which
was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily
he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one, actually, where
that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is
for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer
Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail 
he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and
o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to
twenty people you will have good luck, forward to ten people you will
only have ok luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have
BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself
to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along
without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was
promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, 
I'll put shoes on my cat.


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Tom Collins Sends:

>From the WEEKLY WORLD NEWS, May 24, 1994

MOSCOW --Doctors are blaming a rare electrical imbalance in the
brain for the bizarre death of a chess player whose head literally
exploded in the middle of a championship game!

No one else was hurt in the fatal explosion but four players and
three officials at the Moscow Candidate Masters' Chess
Championships were sprayed with blood and brain matter when Nikolai
Titov's head suddenly blew apart. Experts say he suffered from a
condition called Hyper-Cerebral Electrosis or HCE.  "He was deep in
concentration with his eyes focused on the board," says Titov's
opponent, Vladimir Dobrynin.  "All of a sudden his hands flew to
his temples and he screamed in pain.  Everyone looked up from their
games, startled by the noise.  Then, as if someone had put a bomb
in his cranium, his head popped like a firecracker."

Incredibly, Titov's is not the first case in which a person's head
has spontaneously exploded. Five people are known to have died of
HCE in the last 25 years.  The most recent death occurred just
three years ago in 1991, when European psychic Barbara Nicole's
skull burst. Miss Nicole's story was reported by newspapers
worldwide, including WWN.  "HCE is an extremely rare physical
imbalance," said Dr. Anatoly Martinenko, famed neurologist and
expert on the human brain who did the autopsy on the brilliant
chess expert.  "It is a condition in which the circuits of the
brain become overloaded by the body's own electricity.  The
explosions happen during periods of intense mental activity when
lots of current is surging through the brain. Victims are highly
intelligent people with great powers of concentration. Both Miss
Nicole and Mr. Titov were intense people who tended to keep those
cerebral circuits overloaded.  In a way it could be said they were
literally too smart for their own good."

Although Dr. Martinenko says there are probably many undiagnosed
cases, he hastens to add that very few people will die from HCE.
"Most people who have it will never know.  At this point, medical
science still doesn't know much about HCE.  And since fatalities
are so rare it will probably be years before research money becomes
available."

In the meantime, the doctor urges people to take it easy and not
think too hard for long periods of time.  "Take frequent relaxation
breaks when you're doing things that take lots of mental focus," he
recommends.

(As a public service, WWN added a sidebar titled HOW TO TELL IF
YOUR HEAD'S ABOUT TO BLOW UP:)

Although HCE is very rare, it can kill.  Dr. Martinenko says
knowing you have the condition can greatly improve your odds of
surviving it.   A "yes" answer to any three of the following seven
questions could mean that you have HCE:

1.  Does your head sometimes ache when you think too hard?  (Head
pain can indicate overloaded brain circuits.)

2.  Do you ever hear a faint ringing or humming sound in your ears?
(It could be the sound of electricity in the skull cavity.)

3.  Do you sometimes find yourself unable to get a thought out of
your head? (This is a possible sign of too much electrical activity
in the cerebral cortex.)

4.  Do you spend more than five hours a day reading, balancing your
checkbook, or other thoughtful activity?  (A common symptom of HCE
is a tendency to over-use the brain.)

5.  When you get angry or frustrated do you feel pressure in your
temples?  (Friends of people who died of HCE say the victims often
complained of head pressure in times of strong emotion.)

6.  Do you ever overeat on ice cream, doughnuts and other sweets?
(A craving for sugar is typical of people with too much electrical
pressure in the cranium.)

7.  Do you tend to analyze yourself too much?  (HCE sufferers are
often introspective, "over-thinking" their lives.)            


A woman went to her doctor for advice.  She told him that her husband had
developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a
good idea.  

The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"  

She said that she did.  

He asked, "Does it hurt you?" 

She said that it didn't.  

The doctor then told her,"Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't
practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to
get pregnant."  

The woman was mystified.  She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"  

The doctor replied, "Of course.  Where do you think attorneys come from?" 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

  The way the Life Cycle should work...

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough.  It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it?  A death.  What's
that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way.  Then you
live in an old age home.   You get kicked out when
you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to
work.

You work forty years until you're young enough to
enjoy your retirement.  You do drugs, alcohol, you
party, you get ready for high school.

You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play,
you have no responsibilities, you become a little
baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your
last nine months floating, and finally, the life cycle
finishes off as an orgasm.



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was 
demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. 

A representative from the company was just about ready to start the
demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down. 

Just then someone in the back of the room yelled,
"Format C: Return."
Someone else chimed in:
"Yes, Return"

Unfortunately, the software worked.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Why Engineers Don't Write Cookbooks:

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1.)   532.35 cm3 gluten
2.)   4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.)   4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.)   236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.)   177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.)   177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.)   4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.)   Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.)   473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.)  236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall
heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients
one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor
vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add 
ingredients four, five, six,and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To
reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the
homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally,
add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care
must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any
temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture
piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a
period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first
order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.
Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer
table,allowing the product to come to equilibrium.


An 8 year old girl goes to her dad who is working in the yard and
asks, "Daddy, what's sex"?

The father is surprised that she would ask such a question, but 
decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is
old enough to get a straight answer.

He tells her about the birds and the bees; the egg and the sperm; and
the male and female. When he has finished explaining, the little girl
is looking at him with her mouth opened, so the father asks her, "why
did you ask this question"?

The little girl explains that "Mom told me to tell you that dinner
would be ready in just a couple of secs".

Have a great day!
Nancy

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Wayne Lasker Sends:

Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital who were laying
next to each other?  The first kid leans over and asked, "What are
you in here for?"

The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little nervous."

The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had that
done to me once.  They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give
you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.  It's a piece of cake!"

The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"

The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."  The
second kid said, "Whoa!  I had that done when I was born.  I couldn't
walk for a year!"



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

No need to name me thanks Sends: *eg*

The BEER PRAYER

Our lager, Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Craig Milton Sends:

Oh the joys of pubic, er... Public transit!

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was
waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini-skirt
with matching tight leather boots and jacket.  As the bus rolled up
and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was
too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step
on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this
would give her enough slack to raise her leg.  Again she tried to make
the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!  So, a
little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and
unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the
step. Once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg
because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the
offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to
make the step.  About this time the big Texan that was behind her in
the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly
on the step of the bus.  Well, she went ballistic and turned on the
would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't
even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we
were friends."

(...sorry, I have no clue which colour lip-stick looks best under
florescent lighting!  Oops!..)  :)

**That's ok Craig...your secret's safe with me. What are friends for?
Uhh, what else do you do in the closet? *baeg*


Are YOU a problem thinker? 
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and 
then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and
soon I was more than just a social thinker. 

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself. But I knew it
wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and
finally I was thinking all the time. 

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment
don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. 

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and 
Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking,
"What is it exactly we are doing here?" 

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had
turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She
spent that night at her mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy
thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you,
and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem.
If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find
another job." This gave me a lot to think about. 

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I 
confessed, "I've been thinking..." 

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" 

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious." 

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as
college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so
if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" 

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to 
cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I 
stomped out the door. 

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on
the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass
doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. 

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me 
that night. 

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for
Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking 
ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It 
comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. 

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss
a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last
week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided
thinking since the last meeting. 

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just
seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. 

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home.  
The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and
muck.  There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.  As he
proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess.  Dishes on
the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the
table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. 

The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing,
and a lamp had been knocked over.  He headed up the stairs, stepping
over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may
be ill, or that something had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on,
reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day
went.  

He looked at her bewildered and asked "what happened here today?"  

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home
from work and ask me what I did today?"  "Yes," was his reply." 

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"



Q. Why don't Asians play football?
A. Because everytime they see a corner, they open a shop.

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few
weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The
Gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla
species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Paul,
An employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Paul, it was
rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't
very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Paul was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the
gorilla for five hundred bucks? Paul showed some interest, but said he
would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Paul announced that he would accept their offer, but
only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to
kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may
result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked
what was his third condition.

"Well," said Paul, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with
the five hundred bucks."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

I'm worried about Craig Milton...Can somebody run over to his house
and see if he's ok?  I rec'd a bunch of ramblings this morning about him 
being under 44 inches of snow, getting pounded, giving double-headers
and blowing snowmen in the closet.  Yikes!  Eat yer heart out Craig...
it was 75 degrees here today.  *baeg*



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Computer Virii Updated:
 This is Supposed to Be the "New & Improved" Batch But it Looks
 as if Some of them have Self Replicated.  :p

Ellen Degeneres virus--Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Monica Lewinsky virus--Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Titanic virus--Makes your whole computer go down.
**WOW!  I wouldn't mind havin' that one!  I'll leave port 69 open
tonight and wait. *eg*

Disney virus--Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson virus--Quits after one byte.

Prozac virus--Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Sharon Stone virus--Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget
it's there.

Lorena Bobbit virus--Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Tim Allen virus--Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive 
upon contact.

Woody Allen virus--Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a 
daughter card.

Saddam Hussein virus--Won't let you into any of your programs.

Tonya Harding virus--Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

George Michaels virus--Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess 
data buildup.

Joey Buttafuoco virus--Only attacks minor files.

X-files virus--All your Icons start shapeshifting.

Spice Girl virus--Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Ronald Reagan virus--.Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus--Searches your hard drive for old files and
deletes them.

Sony Bono virus--Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears 
out of nowhere.

Martha Stewart virus--Takes all your files, sorts them by category and 
folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.

Oprah Winfrey virus--Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

AT&T virus--Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you 
are getting.

MCI virus--Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too 
much for the AT&T virus.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus--Terminates and stays resident.
                                It'll be back.

Viagra virus--Expands your hard drive, while putting too much 
pressure on your zip drive.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an
unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you
get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey'
and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd
appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."  He passed the
minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved
to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it
comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in
the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every
command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your
life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you
will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall
live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a
deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She
made me a much better offer."


"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd
like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from
New York to London.  We are currently flying at a height of
35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the
aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines
are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will
observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little
yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air
stewardesses. This is a recorded message."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming
around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.   She goes back to
find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just
recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy.

The teacher has him go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom,
and
ask her what he should do about it.  He does this and returns to the class,
sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the
back of
the room.

Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis
hanging out.  I thought I told you to call your mom, she says.

I did, he says, and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon,
she'd
come and pick me up from school.


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

     Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is Obsessed With "Star Trek"

  10. His car has more Trekkie bumper stickers than paint.
   9. Keeps trying to "mind-meld" with your parakeet.
   8. Refuses to lend you his hedge trimmer on grounds that it
      would violate the Prime Directive.
   7. Keeps trying to "beam" stray cats from his microwave to yours.
   6. Keeps threatening to fire photon torpedoes at your house, even
      though he knows they can't penetrate your shields.
   5. His garage door opens sideways and makes that cool "Vsoop" sound.
   4. Keeps coming over to borrow a cup of dilithium crystals.
   3. Runs out of house with hamsters taped to himself screaming,
      "TRIBBLES!  TRIBBLES EVERYWHERE!"
   2. Continues to watch the show *even though* he has a girlfriend.
   1. Talks!... like!... William!.......... Shatner!
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

  There was a little boy sitting on the curb one day. The little tyke had a
bottle half full of acid.It seems he was dropping those big, black ants
into it whenever he caught one. It made a small puff of smoke shortly after
hitting the acid.

 An old priest came along and was watching the kid drop those ants into
oblivion.  Apparently he thought this would be a good time to teach the
little
squirt the value of life.

The priest said to the the kid, "What do you have there son?"

"Oh, I got some magic water, Father, the boy innocently replied. "See,"
and *poof* went another ant.

"In my church," says the priest, "we have some magic water too."

"Oh Yeah," says the kid, "can it turn ants into water, too?"

"No," says the priest, "but I rubbed it on a lady's stomach and she passed
a baby."

"Big deal!" says the kid. "I squirted some of this under my cat's tail the
other day, and he passed a motorcycle!"


Once there was a philosopher doing a survey on a group of men, on the
topic of happiness. He said "I can prove to you that the amount of
happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have!" 

To prove this he glanced at the audience and he saw a man at the right
hand corner, smiling, "Sir, How often do you have sex ?" he asked. "Once a
month" the man answered.

Looking for another happy face, he spotted a man in the middle, having a
bigger smile. And he asked him "Sir, How often do you have sex?" "Once a
week" the man shouted.

Trying to prove his theory further, he saw another man laughing. "You
seem to be a very happy man, So how often do you have sex?"
"Well, ... everyday" the happy man answered. 

"There, I am right ...the amount of happiness has relation to the
amount of sex you have" said the philosopher. But far off at the end
of the room, he saw a man with his hands in the air, laughing and
jumping with so much happiness. So the philosopher said to him "You
sure look like a very happy man?" "Yes!Yes!Yes!" answered the very happy
man.

"So how often do you get to have sex?" the philosopher asked.

The man answered "Once a year..." 

The puzzled and embarrassed philosopher asked the man "WHAT ??? 
...Then why are you so happy ??" 

The man while laughing, and jumping said:
 "IT'S TONIGHT... IT'S TONIGHT !!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody
restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had
hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they
had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion,
the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man.

While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp
down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and
desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until
she let go.


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He 
noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear 
whatsoever. 
  
The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes
later.  The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined
him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof  chalk-and-board
set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under  this deep without
equipment?"  
  
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and
wrote, "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS!
If you get an envelope from a company called the 
Internal Revenue Service, DO NOT OPEN IT!

This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter 
claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay 
for the operation of essential functions of the United States
government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to
fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects.

This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social 
Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular 
paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the
money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS
helps mastermind.

These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of
billions of dollars. Don't be among them!


In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the
kids, "Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a
moral to them."  She explained what a moral to a story was
and asked for volunteers.

Little Suzie raises her hand.

Suzie: " I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12
eggs, we were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of
them hatched"

Teacher: "That's a good story, now what is the moral?"

Suzie: " Don't count your chickens before they are hatched"

Teacher: "Very good Suzie, anyone else?"

Ralphie: "Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for
my mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike
and all the eggs broke"

Teacher: "That's a nice story, what is the moral?"

Ralphie: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Teacher: " Very good Ralphie, anyone else?"

Little Johnny: " Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army
and when she was in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with
only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer.  On
her way down, she drank the six pack.  When she landed, she
shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife."

Teacher: "Very interesting Johnny, what is the moral to your
story?"

Little Johnny: "Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's drunk"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

One night Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in
the White House.  "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the
country?"  Clinton asked.  "Set an honest and honorable example, just
as I did," advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark
bedroom.  "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
Clinton asked.  "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," 
advised Tom.

Clinton didn't sleep well the next night and saw another figure moving
in the shadows.  It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.  "Abe, what is the
best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.  

Abe replied, "Go to the theater."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>> advertisement <<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

                          CATALOG LINK
Hundreds of FREE Catalogs for Stay at Home Shoppers!
Your favorite American catalogs are only a click away!

http://websponsors.com/cgi-bin/clink.pl?username=plazapalooza

<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>
                    
Even though I've seen and probably posted at one time or another, the
following Q&A... seeing them all together on the same page even made
ME cringe! Some of these are sooo horrible ya can't help but laugh!
A note to the ladies:  When yer panties are so far in a bunch that you
just can't read any more, scroll to the bottom and see what else I've got
to say.  *eg*  Who else but our honorary 'Sofa King' sent the submission...

Wayne Lasker Sends: 

At the risk of being howled down, set upon and not getting a root for
the next 10 years !!! .... lets fire one back at the ladies ....... then
run like hell !!!!!!!

Q: Why do men fart more than women?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.

Q: Why did cavemen drag their women around by the hair?
A: If you dragged them by the feet they filled with dirt.

Q: Why do men have dicks?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut women up.

Q: Why don't women like to fish?
A: You have to shut the fuck up!

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A bitch who won't do what she's told.

Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
A: SHE WAS A WOMAN.

Q: How can you tell you're fucking your woman too hard?
A: Stick your thumb up her butt and your middle finger up her pussy.
     If you can snap, you need to ease off a little.

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.

Q: Why are hangovers better than women?
A: Hangovers go away.

Q: Why do some women have small bumps on their  nipples?
A: It's braille for "place tongue here."

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her tits that a 25 year 
     old woman doesn't?
A: Her navel.

Q: How many men does it take to fix the vacuum cleaner?
A: Why the fuck should we fix it?  We never use it!

Q: Why are women like screen doors?
A: You need to bang them a few times before they loosen up.

Q: How do you make your wife scream after sex for an hour?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.

Q: How do you make your wife scream twice?
A: Fuck her in the ass and THEN wipe your dick on the curtains.

Q: Why are women like parking spaces?
A: The best ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

Q: How are women like rocks?
A: The flat ones are the best to skip.

Q: Why do women have breasts?
A: So men will talk to them.

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A: You come in one and go in the other.

Q: How do you fuck an ugly woman?
A: Jerk off in your hand and throw it at her.

Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women nuts?
A: Money.

Q: What do you call a lesbian Playboy centerfold?
A: BITCH

Q: Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A: They both feel good, but you can't help but wonder who was there 
     before you.

Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: What did King Kong say to Oprah Winfrey?
A: Is it in?

Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them.

Q: What do Kermit the Frog and Roseanne Barr's husband have in common?
A: They both fuck pigs.

Q: What do you call the worthless piece of skin around a vagina?
A: A woman.

Q: What is a period?
A: A bloody waste of fucking time.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to bitch at you,
     what did you do wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: Why don't women carry umbrellas to work?
A: Why would they need one from the bedroom to the kitchen?

Q: What do you call that little area between a woman's pussy and her 
     asshole?
A: A chinrest.

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Who gives a fuck?  Why was she out of the kitchen?

Q: What's the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth?
A: Albert Einstein's dick. 

**It's just humor Ladies...get over it.
It's apparent that Mr. Lasker isn't aware of a few details about BGH...
Our turn is tomorrow girls, trust me, it'll be just as horrible. *BAEG*

How 'bout a sample to hold ya over?
Q:  Whaddya call a woman without an asshole?
A:  Divorced.
**Actually, that about sums it up, doesn't it? *eg*

Wayne used to be afraid of women... then he went out with me.
Now he's TERRIFIED! 
Then again, that pretty well holds true for *most* of the men who have
had the pleasure...for the exception of one who just sits in the corner 
popping bubble wrap with a huge grin on his face.  :p



The head nun at the convent says, "I found a pair of men's underwear 
under my desk." Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes "Heh, heh, heh..."

She says, "And I found a used condom on my desk." Twenty nuns gasp, 
but one nun goes "Heh, heh, heh..."

She says, "And there was a huge tear in the condom." One nun gasps, 
but twenty nuns go, "Heh, heh, heh."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Q: What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a
    prostitute with diarreah?
A: One shucks between fits...                     



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Ok Ladies, as promised...Our Turn!

Why is it that when you're in a bar the first word out of a man's mouth
is 'Sooo...'  Ever notice that? Every man who starts his conversation like
that with me is automatically doomed. The dialogue that usually ensues goes
something like this, "...tell me about yourself."
"OK...*BAEG*  I make my living as a female impersonator.  *Your* turn!"
Or how 'bout this one?..."Sooo...what's your name?"  "Big Gyant Head."
"Oh...Big Gyant Head, <grin> nice name, I like saying that."  Then, to make
matters even worse...they're usually about 5'6" (I'm 6') and wanna dance!
Oh puhleez, go hump somebody else's leg wouldja?

Q:  How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? 
A:  At the circus the clowns don't talk. 

Q: Why is a dildo better than a man?
A:  Latex doesn't talk back.

Q:  What's the definition of gross stupidity?
A:  144 men all in the same room.

Q:  Why are men and toilets alike?
A:  They're either already taken or they're full of shit.

Q:  What's the difference between men and pigs?
A:  Pigs don't turn into men when they get drunk!

Q:  What should you give a man who has everything?
A:  A woman to show him how to work it.

Q:  Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? 
A:  To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q:  Why are men are like horoscopes?
A:  They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

 When God created man she was only joking.

Q:  Why did God put men on earth?
A:  Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

 God gave men two of the greatest organs...a penis and a brain...
too bad She only gave him a large enough blood supply to run one at a time.

Q:   Why do men become smarter during sex?
A:   Because they're plugged into a genius.

 Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very
moment for their call.  Who are these women?
- Women working at 900 numbers.

Q:  How do you know when a female bartender is pissed off at you?
A:  There is a little white string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.

Q:  Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A:  They don't have time.

Q:  Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A:  They won't stop to ask directions.

Q:  Why don't women have men's brains?
A:  Because they don't have penises to keep them in.

Q:  Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A:  Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.

Q:  Why do men masturbate?
A:  It's sex with someone they love

Q:  Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A:  So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q:  Why is pee yellow and sperm white?
A:  So you can tell if he's coming or going.

Q:  What are the 3 biggest lies?
A:  I gave at the office, the check's in the mail, I won't come in your
mouth.

Q:  How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
A:  He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q:  If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building at the same
     time, who would reach the ground first? 
A:  The woman-the man would get lost.

Q:  How are men like commercials? 
A:  You can't believe a word either one of them says and they 
      both last about 60 seconds. 

Q:  What do you call a man with half a brain? 
A:  Gifted. 

Q:  What's the difference between government bonds and men? 
A:  Bonds mature.

Q:  What did God say after creating man?
A:  I can do better. 

Q:  What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 
A:  No mind.  No business.

The last thing I've got to say on *this* subject  [Wayne]...
Ribbed for OUR pleasure, not YOURS!  Aaah Ha!Ha!Ha!


A police officer in Ohio responded to a call that was made to 911.
> >>> >   She had no details before arriving except that someone was
> >>> >   reporting that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the
> >>> >   officer found this  man face down on the couch, naked. When she
> >>> >   rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR if necessary
> >>> >   she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance
> >>> >   arrived and removed the man (who was and still is dead) the police
> >>> >   made a closer inspection of the couch and noticed that the man had
> >>> >   made a hole between the cushions. After flipping the couch  over
> >>> >   they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man would
> put
> >>> >   his penis between the cushions, down into the hole
> >>> >   and between 2 ELECTRIC SANDERS (without the sand paper obviously).
> >>> >   According to the story, after he had his orgasm the, ahem,
> >>> >   discharge shorted out the sander electrocuting him.


Q. Why does 'David Beckham' let 'Posh Spice' go on top    during sex?

A. Because he can only FUCK-UP.


Groucho-isms

Who are you going to believe,
me or your own eyes?

I have nothing but respect for you,
and not much of that.

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service?
Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles.
If you don't like them I have others.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot
but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case
I'll be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this.
Fetch me a child of five.

>From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down
I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy,
and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Why should I care about posterity?
What's posterity ever done for me?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice
what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is
a contradiction in terms.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I must say that I find television very educational.
The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library
and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If I held you any closer I would
be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don't care to belong to a club
that accepts people like me as members.

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you.
In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! 
And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew 
them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I married your mother because I wanted children.
Imagine my disappointment when you came along.

Whatever it is I'm against it.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Jennifer has been most difficult - 
I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how 
she is. Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me 
that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and 
you begged me not to marry her. You were perfectly right. You want 
to speak with her? All right."

He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
"Jennifer, your mother wants to talk to you!



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

"President Clinton of the USA" can be rearranged (with no
letters left over, and using each letter only once) into:

"To copulate he finds interns"
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

What do the Following Represent?:

          1.  26=L of the A
          2.  7=W of the W
          3.  1001=A N
          4.  12=S of the Z
          5.  54=C in a D
          6.  9=D in a S S N
          7.  88=P K
          8.  13= S on the A F
          9.  32=D F at which W F
          10. 18=H on a G C
          11. 90=D in a R A
          12. 200=D for P G in M
          13. 42=P of the U S
          14. 13=a B D
          15. 8=L on a S
          16. 8=S on a S S
          17. 3=B M (S H T R!)
          18. 4=Q in a G
          19. 24-H in a D
          20. 1=W on a U
          21. 5=D in a Z C
          22. 57=H V
          23. 11=P on a F T
          24. 1000=W that a P is W
          25. 29=D in F in a L Y
          26. 13=F not on an E
          27. 40=D and N of the G F
          28. 7=D of the W
          29. 9=P in the S S
          30. 64=S on a C B
----------------------------------------------

Whaddya lookin' down here for?  I don't know what the hell they mean,
why do ya think I was askin' YOU? :p


 The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy
> father to
> start 
> >>>>>> > > their family.  On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
> Mr. Smith
> >>>>>> > > kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here
> soon". 
> >>>>>> > > 
> >>>>>> > > Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
> photographer 
> >>>>>> > > rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.  "Good morning
> madam. You 
> >>>>>> > > don't know me but I've come to...."
> >>>>>> > > 
> >>>>>> > > "Oh, no need to explain.  I've been expecting you," Mrs.
> Smith
> cut in.
> >>>>>> > 
> >>>>>> > > "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a
> specialty
> >>>>>> > > of
> >>>>>> > > babies."
> >>>>>> > > 
> >>>>>> > > "That's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in
> and have a 
> >>>>>> > > seat.  Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
> >>>>>> > > 
> >>>>>> > > "Leave everything to me.  I usually try two in the bathtub,
> one
> on the
> >>>>>> > 
> >>>>>> > > couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.  Sometimes the
> living room
> >>>>>> > > floor
> >>>>>> > > is fun too; you can really spread out." 
> >>>>>> > > 
> >>>>>> > > "Bathtub, living room floor?  No wonder it didn't work for
> Harry and 
> >>>>>> > > me."
> >>>>>> > > 
> >>>>>> > > "Well madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every
> time. But
> if we
> >>>>>> > 
> >>>>>> > > try several different positions and I shoot from six or
> seven
> angles, 
> >>>>>> > > I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
> >>>>>> > > 
> >>>>>> > > "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs.
> Smith. 
> >>>>>> > > 
> >>>>>> > > "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd
> love to be 
> >>>>>> > > in
> >>>>>> > > and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with
> that, I'm 
> >>>>>> > > sure."
> >>>>>> > > 
> >>>>>> > > "Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. 
> >>>>>> > > 
> >>>>>> > > The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
> portfolio of 
> >>>>>> > > his
> >>>>>> > > baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in
> downtown
> London."
> >>>>>> > 
> >>>>>> > > "Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her
> handkerchief.
> >>>>>> > > 
> >>>>>> > > "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you
> consider
> their
> >>>>>> > 
> >>>>>> > > mother was so difficult to work with."  The photographer
> handed Mrs.
> >>>>>> > > Smith the picture.
> >>>>>> > > 
> >>>>>> > > "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so.
> I
> finally 
> >>>>>> > > had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right.
> People were 
> >>>>>> > > crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good
> look."
> >>>>>> > > 
> >>>>>> > > "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in
> amazement. 
> >>>>>> > > 
> >>>>>> > > "Yes", the photographer said.  "And for more than three
> hours
> too. The
> >>>>>> > 
> >>>>>> > > mother was constantly squealing and yelling.  I could
> hardly
> >>>>>> > > concentrate.  Then darkness approached and I began to rush
> my shots. 
> >>>>>> > > Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment
> I just
> >>>>>> > > packed
> >>>>>> > > it all in."
> >>>>>> > > 
> >>>>>> > > Mrs. Smith leaned forward.  "You mean they actually chewed
> on your, 
> >>>>>> > > er.., um.., ah.... equipment?"
> >>>>>> > > 
> >>>>>> > > "That's right.  Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my
> tripod so 
> >>>>>> > > that we can get to work."
> >>>>>> > > 
> >>>>>> > > "Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. 
> >>>>>> > > 
> >>>>>> > > "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
> much
> too big
> >>>>>> > 
> >>>>>> > > for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.  Madam?
> Madam?
> >>>>>> > > .....
> >>>>>> > > Good Lord, she's fainted!!



A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The
> >>>first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball
> headed
> >>>directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed,
> the
> >>>ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
> together
> >>>at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
> >>>evident agony.
> >>>
> >>>The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to
> apologize.
> >>>She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I
> know
> >>>I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
> >>>
> >>>"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few
> minutes,"
> >>>he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still
> >>>clasping his hands together at his crotch.
> >>>
> >>>But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She
> gently
> >>>took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his
> pants,
> >>>and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
> >>>She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
> >>>
> >>>To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like
> hell."


A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and
starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and
asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine
cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

  On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged,
  well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting
  next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over
  to complain about her seating.

  "What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.

  "Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir.  I
  can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human.  Find me
  another seat!"

  "Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied.  "The flight
  is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do.  I'll go and
  check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class".

  The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside
  her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).  A few
  minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which
  she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people
  around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.

  "Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full.  I've
  spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full.
  However, we do have one seat in first class".

  Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues:
  "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however,
  and I have had to get special permission from the captain.  But,
  given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous
  that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."

  With that, she turned to the black man and said:  "So if you'd like
  to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."

  At which point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing
  ovation while the man walked to the front of the plane.


Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation
time over the past  100 year(s).  As I'm sure you are aware,
employees are granted 3 weeks of  paid leave per year or pay
in lieu of time off. One additional week is  granted for
every 5 years of service.

Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office
and your next  pay check will reflect payment of
$8,277,432.22 which will include all pay  and interest for
the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Truehartj Sends:

Animal Crackers

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began
putting away the groceries.  The boy opened the box of animal
crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing?" his mother asked.  

"You can't eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained,  "I'm
looking for the seal."



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page 
showing several national flags.

She pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?"

A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country."

"Very good," the teacher said.  "And what is the name of our country?"

"'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Mike King Sends:

The Crab and the Lobster

A humble crab fell in love with Princess Lobster and she with him.
They enjoyed an idyllic relationship but one day Princess Lobster
came to Crab in floods of tears saying that King Lobster could not
let her see Crab any more.

"But why?" gasped the humble crab.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," sobbed the princess.
"You're a lower class of crustacean, and anyway, you walk sideways."

Crab was shattered and scuttled away to drink himself into
forgetfulness.

That night was the occasion of the great Lobster Ball.
Lobsters came from  far and near for feasting and merrymaking.
Princess Lobster, however, sat by her father's side, inconsolable.
Suddenly, the doors flew open. It was the humble crab.
Slowly, painstakingly, he made his way to the throne -
walking dead straight, one claw after another.

A silence gathered round the room. All the Lobsters' eyes fell on the
intruder. Step by painful step he approached until he looked King
Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally Crab spoke up:

"Fuck, I'm pissed!"


It has come to my attention that a few copies of the Geordie version of
windows 98 may have accidently been shipped outside of Newcastle. If you
have one of the Newcastle editions you may need some help understanding
the commands. The Newcastle edition may be recognised by looking at the
loading screen. It reads Windiz 98 with a background picture of a Brown
Ale bottle superimposed on a photograph of the Tyne Bridge. It is
shipped with the Brown Ale screen saver.

Also note:

The Recycle Bin is labelled 'Aal ya shite'
Dial-up Networking is called 'Me mates'
Control Panel is known as 'How te f*uck aboot wi the settins'
The Hard Drive is referred to as 'Big disk'
Floppies are known as 'Them litil plastic bastads'

Other Features:

OK: it's alreet
Cancel: f*ck that
Yes: aye
No: nee f*uckin' chance
Find: gan gerit ya f*cking sel
Goto: owa there
Help: ah cannit dee it
Stop: divvent move
Start: hadaway and shite
Seetings: settins
Programs: stuff that dis stuff
Personal folder: me shite

Also note that Windiz 98 does not recognise capital letters or
punctuation marks

Some programs that are exclusive to Windiz 98:

tiperiter: a word processor
cullarin book: a graphics package
addin masheen: calculator
tunes: CD player
porn: Microsoft Internet Explorer
pikchas: a graphics viewer
dole money: accounting software
toon: a speadsheet of Newcastle United FC's recent scores
bevvy: local off-licences by area code
and price of Brown Ale tax records: usually an empty file
Kappa tracksuit inventory: usually a 5 meg file

We regret any inconvenience it may cause if you received a copy of the
Newcastle edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement.


Two Southern Belles were sitting on the porch swing sipping their mint
juleps and chatting.  Their conversation went like this:

SB #1:    Do ya see all them acres and acres of Kaintucky bluegrass out
theyuh?  When mah Daddy dies and goes to heaven he's leavin' it all to
me.

SB #2 (fanning herself gently):   My, my.  How fine!

SB #1:  And do ya see all them beautiful thoroughbred horses out theyuh
in them fields?  When mah Daddy dies and goes to heaven he's leavin' 'em
all to me.

SB #2 (fanning herself a little harder):  My, my!  How fine!

SB #1:  And do ya see this big fine plantation mansion I live in?  When
mah Daddy dies and goes to heaven he's leavin' IT to me, too!

SB #2 (fanning vigorously):  My, my!!  How fine!!!

SB #1:   Mah Daddy is doin' all THAT for ME!  Whut did yoah daddy evuh
do fo' you?

SB #2 (stirring up quite a breeze): Wail, mah Daddy sent me to Finishin'
School.

SB #1:  Whut good did Finishin' School evuh do foah you?

SB #2 (carefully closing her fan and smiling):  Wail, it taught me to
say "My, my, how fine!" instead of "Fuck you, BITCH!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

PeggyJo49 Sends:

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's
office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more
exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the
arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those
uncomfortable positions," the medic said.

"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your
Lamborghini."



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

PeggyJo49 Also Sends:

Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet
screams past them. One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did
you see how fast that thing was moving?"

The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had
three assholes and they were all on fire!"
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Glenn D'Onofrio Sends:

News in Brief
(part 1 of 3)

In Johnson City, Tenn., a beautician and a J.C. Penney styling salon
were sued for $10.5 million after a client with waist-length hair
inadvertently had her head confused for another woman's and had her hair
cut to the shoulders.

In Portsmouth, R.I., a man accused of burglarizing several laundromat
vending machines didn't help his own cause when he tried to post bail by
using $400 worth of quarters.

In Ledyard, Conn., a severed size 9 1/2 foot was found on a river bank
and because it was not claimed, authorities began pondering the remote
possibility that it may have come from the explosion of TWA Flight 800
over Long Island in July.

In Columbia, S.C., an 11-year-old honors student was expelled from
school and arrested on charges of bringing a weapon to school when she
packed a knife in her lunch box to cut a piece of chicken.

In Boston, parents of an 11-year-old who doused her head in gasoline to
kill head lice unfortunately had her stand too close to a gas stove. She
was listed in critical condition.

In Tokyo, a confessed extortionist linked to a doomsday cult objected to
a prosecution demand that he serve five years in prison, saying that
after he'd thought about it, 10 years would be more appropriate.

In New York City, a boy preparing to feed a live chicken to his 44-pound
pet python was killed after the snake apparently mistook him for the
food and coiled around him instead.

In Gresham, Ore., firefighters told a family to simply wait for a kitten
stuck 80 feet in a tree to eventually come down but then had to make a
rescue a day later when one of the homeowners got stuck in the tree,
too.

In Sanford, Fla., a 33-year-old who robbed a Vietnamese man's shop twice
to support a drug habit said he began feeling guilty after seeing a
local TV news story on the robbery victim's plight and turned himself
in. "I feel just awful," he told police.

In Oklahoma City, Okla., a nursing home administrator was dismissed for
feeding peanut butter mik shakes to patients without doctor's permission.

At an air show in Rio de Janeiro, two small planes collided, killing all
12 passengers and a woman on the ground who died when one of the bodies
landed on top of her.

In Fairview Township, Pa., a 25-year feud between neighbors over whether
their joint driveway would be gravel or blacktop finally ended when one
of the homeowners paved the section that led up to his own home and the
other neighbor shot him to death.

John D. Fuchs, of St. Cloud, Minn., celebrates the beginning of a new
year by firing a symbolic shot in the air from his .22-caliber handgun.
Last year, he accidentally killed himself.

In New Haven, Conn., where officials say they don't want police officers
with "too high an IQ" because they tend to quit sooner, an applicant
sued after being refused a patrolman's job because he scored too highly
on a test.


An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows
installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer:     "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my
              home computer."  Training stresses that we are "not the
              Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"

Customer:     "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't
initialized."

Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"

Customer:     (proudly) "I wrote it down:  'This is not a Macintosh disk.
              Would you like to initialize it?'"

Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"

Customer:     "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be
              blank.  And now I brought them back to work, and I can't
              read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them.
              And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole
office.
              Did I do something wrong...?"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart
when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?" "No," he
answered. "I'm only after one thing." As he walked toward the store, he
heard her murmur, ...."Typical male asshole."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>> advertisement <<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

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<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Then there was the couple that got married and were happy about the
whole thing. He was happy about the hole, she was happy about the thing.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Glenn D'Onofrio Sends:

News in Brief
(part 2 of 3)

In Trenton, Neb., a jail escapee afraid he would look conspicuous in his
orange, jail-house suit -- stripped down to only a pair of green
underwear and immediately was arrested by police for inappropriate dress
in public.

Like a scene straight out of a movie, a construction worker in Green
Tree, Pa., fell four stories at a construction site but miraculously was
able to walk away when he landed in a container filled with foam scraps.

A man in New Orleans who grew tired of getting Papa John's Pizza calls
because his telephone number was close to theirs, was ordered to quit
having his answering machine answer, "Papa Don's Pizza," followed by an
announcement the health department had closed down his business because
the pizza was so bad.

When 4-year-old Sean Dennington of Houston heard a loud crash coming
from the living room around 3 o'clock Christmas morn, he thought it was
Santa Claus.   But it wasn't. It was just a 1976 Buick Riviera that had
veered off an overpass and then smashed through the roof of the house.

A man told authorities at a Christmas tree sales site that he was not
attempting to steal a seven-foot tree but only carry it 200 feet down
the street to see if he could successfully carry such a large tree that
far.

In Des Moines, Iowa, a man whose legal name was Santa Claus filed for
bankruptcy and school children began to write the newspaper, questioning
what effect it would have on Christmas.

On Christmas morning in Tallahassee, Fla., a wife handed her husband a
single state lottery ticket, saying, "This is the best I can do this
year," and it won $15 million.

In Milwaukee, an 18-year-old was charged with setting fire to his
family's apartment while his two younger brothers were inside because
they got Christmas presents and he didn't.

A man's 71-year-old widow sued a funeral home in Portland, Ore., after
she asked to take one last look at her husband in the casket, at which
point she noticed it was some other man wearing her husband's suit.

The life of a Harrisburg, Pa., man was saved when moments after he
bought 40 lottery tickets, he stepped out on the street and a stray
bullet from a nearby gang fight glanced off the wad of tickets in his
shirt pocket.

A woman in Littleton, Colo., angered her neighbors by refusing to turn
down an electric fence in her yard to the legal limit of 12 volts,
instead of the 1,300 volts she initially had set it.

In New York, a woman sued the Rogaine Company for $1.5 million after 
she tried the product, only to report hair growth on her head was "nil" but
that on her face she had a full beard, from just below the eyebrows to
her chin.

In Atlanta, Ga., a man going from person to person in a motel lobby,
attempting to find the person he was to meet to sell crack cocaine,
apparently picked the wrong motel. It was the site of an FBI convention.

The U.S. Postal Service suspended mail delivery in a four-street area of
Waukesha, Wis., after a "vicious crow" began attacking the mail carrier
every day and would not quit.

In Paderborn, Germany, death was ruled "accidental" when an over-zealous
zookeeper fed a constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative,
followed by a 25-gallon olive-oil enema, and the pachoderm "exploded" on
him "like a dump truck full of mud," knocking him unconscious while
submerging him under more than 200 pounds of elephant dung.
**I've had this one posted for a few months.  You can read the full story
along with the actual photograph at
http://www.big-gyant-head.com/sh/33.htm

In Newark, N.J., a man began selling postcards showing the underside of
a bandage worn on the knee of this landlord's niece who, moments after
taking her first communion, tripped and fell on the church steps, only
to discover two days later that the bloodstain on the bandage "clearly
showed the image of Christ."

A 5-year-old in Pittsburgh was suspended from school after showing up at
a school costume party wearing a fireman's outfit while carrying a
5-inch plastic ax, considered to be a violation of the school's new
anti-weapon rule.

An artist working on a government contract in New Delhi, India,
repainted the White House in blue on an official state portrait, saying
the new color more befits President Bill Clinton's intimate encounters.

In Chandigarh, India, two parents were surprised to discover that a
4-year-old's claim a "tiger" in his room was making it difficult to
sleep was not a dream but instead an actual leopard that had sneaked
into the home, climbed up on the bed and dozed off.

At London's Gatwick Airport, officials announced the opening of the
world's first Burger King with a "fly-through" window for even faster
service.

In Atlantic City, N.J., a man who refused to play any other slot machine
at a casino than his "lucky" one and said he would sometimes wait up to
a half-day to play it, played it again. He won $1.5 million.

In Tampa, a drunken driver on the way home from a party took a wrong
turn, drove   through a gate marked "Do Not Enter," merged onto a large
road and only then apparently realized she had driven upon a main runway
of the Tampa International Airport. Two flights had to be delayed.



Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it
is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few
seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he
asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"

The reply is, "l got this in the war."

Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats.

The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right
leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks
Fred a few times.

So Fred asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"

Again the answer is, "l got this in the war."

Fred moves.

The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand.
Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war."

His reply was, "No, l got it out of my nose. l can't get it off of my
hand."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

  OPTIONAL ACCESSORY II: 
  "Normally accidents like this shouldn't happen," 
  reasoned a Caputh, Germany, police spokesman. A motorist following
  driving instructions on the satellite navigation computer in his BMW
  drove down a ferry ramp into the Havel River, he said, without
  realizing the only way he could cross the river was to wait for the
  ferry. The 57-year-old driver was not injured. "This sort of thing can
  happen when people rely too much on technology," the police spokesman
  said. (Reuters) ...Leading to a required label, "Warning: User still
  must watch out window when driving."



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Glenn D'Onofrio Sends:

News in Brief
(part 3 of 3)

At a golf course in Laverne, Calif., a player's backswing clipped a
fence, tore off the club's head, sent its shaft through the man's lower
abdomen and out his back, at which time -- while still conscious -- he
was airlifted to a hospital where doctors removed the impaled club and
the man asked if he could have the club head back.

A burglar in Colorado Springs, Colo., hit so many stores, he finally
laminated his demands note and simply asked clerks for it back after
every hit, police said.

Sheriff's deputies in Indianapolis tracked down and arrested two alleged
drug dealers. They were staying at the sheriff's house, a guest of the
housekeeper.

In Wiesbaden, Germany, an undertaker was left stranded on a street with
a corpse after police failed to realize it was a hearse at a death scene
and towed it away because it was parked in a no-parking zone.

At a prison in Providence, R.I., a man serving 20 years on a forgery
charge escaped by fooling a clerk into signing his forged discharge
papers.

In Greenburgh, N.Y., due to computer error, each resident was called at
3 a.m. and, by recording, told of a change in local trash pickup times.

In Norwich, Conn., an auto repossession team went onto a car lot and
cleared off all of a dealer's cars. Unfortunately, it later was learned
the team went to the wrong car dealership.

On the Caribbean island of Martinique, a group of 375 Americans on a
"Fall Getaway To Stress-Free Paradise" were taken hostage by armed
striking workers at a Club Med and Army troops had to storm a burning
building to rescue them.

At a toll booth in Fairfax, Va., a woman pulled up to the payment
basket, tossed in her fare and then asked the attendant to call an
ambulance because, by surprise, she had just given birth to a girl on
the floorboard and needed someone to cut the umbilical cord.

At a Subway sandwich shop in Ontario, Canada, a man approached an
employee, produced a knife and demanded money, but the clerk produced
her own much larger knife and the robber fled, saying he didn't mean to
offend her.

Miami authorities charged a 325-pound woman with shoplifting after she
passed out while attempting to smuggle two 15-pound turkeys from a
convenience store by placing them inside her brassiere.

At the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade in New York City, because of
protests from animal rights activists, Santa Claus was forced to get rid
of the white ermine trim on his jacket, pants and sleeve cuffs and get a
new suit with fake polyester fur.

In Cheyenne, Wyo., a descendant of Pilgrim William Brewster filed suit,
claiming his family was given the northern United States by the king of
England during Colonial times and now he'd like it back.

In Torrance, Calif., a motorist who became angered by a $55 ticket and
tried to retaliate by placing an ad in the local paper depicting the
officer as "Officer Pinocchio" was then found guilty of libeling the
officer and faced an additional fine of up to $100,000.

In Pittsburgh, apparently as a signal, the pet pot-belly pig of a woman
would not move from in front of a stranger's car until the stranger went
inside the woman's trailer to discover she was having a massive heart
attack.

In Jamaica, a soccer game held as a way to promote a "peace treaty"
between two gangs was ended when a fight got out of hand on the field
and three were killed.

In France, the military announced creation of a blast-resistant shoe
with four-inch soles that would protect infantrymen from land mines. At
the same time it acknowledged that because the hoes weigh 28 pounds
apiece, soldiers can barely walk in them.

Authorities in Baltimore attempted three times to subpoena a murder
victim to testify at the trial of her accused killer before they
discovered the error and realized if it was her murder trial, she was
already dead and unavailable to testify.

In Washington, D.C., the government announced the average American's
rear-end has grown from 18 inches wide to nearly 21 inches and that
seats should be widened on all public transit facilities.

On the floor of the French stock exchange, the country's market went
into a sudden plunge on the 10-year bond-futures market until officials
realized the cause was a trader who'd accidentally leaned on the
"Instant Sell" button for three minutes.


TOKYO --What do an unemployed stockbroker, a karaoke bar and a
beer company have in common? They are all involved in lawsuits over
a beer that fizzles from hydrogen.

The Asaka Beer corporation brews "Suiso" brand beer, where the 
carbon dioxide normally has been replaced by the hydrogen gas which
provides a fun side effect of increasing the voice and thus has made
the beer extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars. Hydrogen, like
helium, is a gas lighter than air. Exploiting this quirk of physics,
men can now sing soprano parts on karaoke sing-along machines after
consuming a big gulp of Suiso beer. The flammable nature of hydrogen
has also become popular as singer ignite flames from their mouth
using a cigarette.

Mr.Otoma, a now out-of-work stockbroker is suing the Tike-Take
Karaoke bar and the Asaka brewery for selling toxic substances and is
claiming damages for grievous bodily harm leading to the loss of his
job.  The bar is countersuing for defamation and loss of customers.

"Mr. Otoma has no-one to blame but himself.  If he had not become
drunk and disorderly, none of this would have happened.  Our security
guards undergo the most careful screening and training before they are
allowed to deal with customers," said the manager of the Tike-Take
bar.  

It seems Mr. Otoma drank fifteen bottles of hydrogen beer so he could
maximize the size of the flames he could belch during a singing 
contest.  He catapulted balls of fire across the room but was unable
to win first prize since the judgement is not made on the quality of
the flames but rather that of the singing. He apparently was singing
badly out of tune after fifteen bottles of the bubbly beer. Taking 
offense at his loss he belched blue fireballs at the judge which
burned off her eyebrows, lashes and ruined her clothes not to mention
her hairdo.

Mr. Otoma was unapproachable by security guards as he was quite 
literally a fire-breathing dragon. A swift guard swept his feet out
from under him. The manager continues,  "The laws of physics are not
to be disobeyed, and the force that propelled Mr. Otoma's legs 
backwards also pivoted around his center of gravity and moved his
upper body forward with equal velocity.  It was his own fault he had
his mouth open for the next belch, his own fault he held a lighted 
cigarette in front of it and it is own fault he swallowed that 
cigarette."

The Tike-Take bar assumes no responsibility for the subsequent
internal combustion, rupture of his stomach lining, nor the third 
degree burns to his esophagus, larynx and sinuses as the exploding 
gases forced their way out of his body.  His consequential muteness
and loss of employment are, according to the manager, "his own fault."

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Psssstttt!  AOL has gone MLM.  Big secret.  Gimme a break.
It was released to the press on Jan.14 oops, sshhh. I for one can't
wait to pay $495.00 for the opportunity to try and sell AOL accounts
to people who already have it preinstalled on their machines. That
puts an entirely new slant on "This is a No-Brainer! Join us today!"
Is it just me or is there something wrong with this picture?  Thanks,
but I'll pass and watch all the other brain-washed MLMers stomp all 
over each other.  



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>
  
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the plains one day, when Tonto
suddenly cocked his ear at a passing falcoln's cry. "Kemosabe... Apache to
East!" he whispered.

The Lone Ranger looked to his faithful companion. "What do we do?"

Tonto pondered a moment. "We ride West!"

After riding a short while, Tonto again paused, searching the horizon with
his eagle-sharp eyes. "Kemosabe... Apache to West!"

The Masked Man looked once again at his friend. "What should we do?"

Tonto scratched his head in thought. "We ride North!"

After a brief ride, Tonto stopped to scent the breeze. "Kemosabe... Apache
to North!"

"What do we do now?" his companion asked.

Without hesitation, Tonto replied, "We ride South!"

Within minutes, Tonto reigned in his horse and dropped to the ground.
Placing his ear to the earth, he listened intently. "Kemosabe... Apache to
South!"

Worried, the Lone One asked him, "NOW what do we do?"

Tonto thought hard for a moment, his eyes squinting in concentration. Then
his face lit up.

"What do you mean "WE", White Man?"
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and
a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells,
"Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"

"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"

"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you
hit it into the water?"

"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where
the shore is, and spins towards it."

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"

"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find
it with your eyes closed."

"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late
and it gets dark?"

"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you,
you can never lose this golf ball!"

The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the
salesman. "Where did you get it?"

"I found it."


In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to imagine
new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best were:

Limbaughium Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass.
Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all
elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons;
attracts only morons.

Billclintium Bc
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a
series of interesting changes when in hot water.

Canadium Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often
called Boron.

Innofensium Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons,
quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.

Newtium
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not
possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.

Quaylium Vp
Einsteinium it ain't.

Budweisium Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.

Cabmium Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in
motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter
what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge
is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for
calculating it.

Politicium Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach
lethal concentrations in the House.

Congress Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

DannyBoy Sends:

There's a lot of people in a panic because they think the year 
changing from '99 to '00 will cause BIG problems. 

But we know historically that isn't so.

The last time the year changed from '99 to '00, not one computer 
had any problem with it.


HOW NOT TO ROB A BANK:
Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a number
of would-be robbers.

PICK THE RIGHT BANK
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA,
who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no 
money.

STUDY YOUR HISTORY
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, 
Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took
just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody 
tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. 
They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.

SPEAK TO THE RIGHT TELLER
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her
father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it.
He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities 
arrived.

DON'T SIGN YOUR DEMAND NOTE
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in 
the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the
name and address of another in Detroit.... and in East Hartford, 
Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's 
signature and account number.

DON'T ADVERTISE
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her 
face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up 
banks.

GO EASY ON THE DISGUISE
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face
first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be 
positively identified by lip-print.

TAKE RIGHT TURNS ONLY
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn 
into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police 
guardhouse and,thinking it was a toll-booth, offered the security men
money.

BE AWARE OF THE TIME
Or the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit
the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North 
Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.

CONSIDER ANOTHER LINE OF WORK
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, 
while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, 
shot himself in the head and died instantly.

BE STRONG
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, 
Massachusetts,who, when the teller told him she had no money, 
fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His 
getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Truehartj Sends:

Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. 

The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.

"They should not put up such misleading notices", said Joe.  
"It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Larry Dill Sends:

A Teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment.  He asks
his father for help.  "Dad, can you tell me the  difference between 
potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll show you.  Go
ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million
dollars."

"Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a 
million dollars."

"Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what 
his father means.  He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a 
million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"  His mother
looks around slyly, and then with a  little smile on her face says,
"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave
you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"  His sister
looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured 
it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in 
reality, we're living with a couple of whores."
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Donna Eaker Sends:

Two old maids played poker with Peter every Tuesday evening.  
It was Peter's turn to have the game at his house, but his furniture 
was out being re-upholstered, and they had no chairs.  They 
decided to solve the problem by sitting cross legged on the 
floor and putting newspaper on their laps to hold the cards.

After playing awhile, the first old maid saw Peter's pecker peeking 
through the paper.  She excused herself and went to the bathroom.  
The second old maid then saw Peter's pecker peeking through the 
paper and she followed the first one.

She walked into the bathroom and saw the first old maid sitting 
on the toilet.  The second old maid said "DID YOU SEE 
PETER'S PECKER PEEKING THROUGH THE PAPER 
WHILE WE WERE PLAYING POKER?"

The first old maid replied, "YES, I SAW PETER'S PECKER
PEEKING THROUGH THE PAPER WHILE WE WERE 
PLAYING POKER, BUT DON'T MENTION IT BECAUSE 
IT MAKES MY PUSSY PUCKER AND I CANT PEE!!"


Samuel L Jackson is playing a Jedi Master in the new Star
>> Wars prequels.
>> The TOP 14 things we want to hear Samuel L.Jackson's
>> character, 'Jedi
>> Master Mace Windu,' say in the Star Wars prequels:
>> 
>>   14.  You can stick your well-laid Death Star plans up your
>> well-laid ass.
>> 
>>   13. You must go to Dagobah, where you will be taught by
>> Yoda,  the sly,
>> sweet motherfucker who taught me this shit.
>> 
>>   12. Thats  no moon,  asshole - thats a fucking space
>> station!
>> 
>>   11. I don't care  how good  you say they are. I ain't
>> fightin' alongside
>> no fuck-ass  teddy bears.
>> 
>>   10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification,
>> 'cause these ain't
>> the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.
>> 
>>   9. Womp rat may taste  like pumpkin pie, but I'll never
>> know, 'cause even
>> if it did I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker.
>> 
>>   8. This is  your  father's lightsaber. When you
>> absolutely, positively,
>> have to  kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room
>> ..accept no
>> substitutes.
>> 
>>   7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck
>> we're gonna do.
>> I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine.
>> 
>>   6.  Feel the Force,  motherfucker.
>> 
>>   5. "What!?" ain't no planet I've ever  heard of! Do they
>> speak Bocce on
>> What?
>> 
>>   4. You sendin' the Fett?  Shit, Hutt, that's all you had
>> to say!
>> 
>>   3.  Yeah Chewie Rocky Horror's  got a hair problem. What
>> the brother
>> gonna do?  He's a wookie.
>> 
>>   2.  Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?  Then why you
>> trying to fuck
>> him like a bitch?
>> 
>>   1. Hand me my lightsaber ...   it's the one that says,
>> 'Bad Mother
>> Fucker.'


Good Luck Bill...

Dear Bill:
OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a fox.
What's more, I want to say this to the American People. Unlike you
I HAD a relationship with that woman!
Gary Hart
 ----------------------
My Dear Chap:
This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that
charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, 
admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.
Hugh Grant
 -----------------------
Bill:
They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with
drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you!
Mayor Marion Berry
 ----------------------
Dear Bill:
Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's
thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? I'm 
back on TV for the fall.
Marv Albert
 ----------------------
Dear Mr. President:
You may have noticed that I'm not jumping on the impeachment
bandwagon. This is a way of showing my gratitude for creating the
greatest pick-up line in years, namely that oral copulation doesn't 
constitute sex. Just today I have already used it successfully four
times and it's not even 10 am. yet.
Warm personal regards,
Newt
 ------------------------
Dear Bill:
Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her 
regards and invites her to come on her show anytime.
Frank Gifford
 ---------------------------
Dear Mr. President:
Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm here for life! And there's 
nothing anyone can do about it! So there!
Justice Clarence Thomas
 -------------------------
Dear Former Worthy Opponent:
Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten 
himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!
Bob Dole
 -------------------------
Dear Mr. President:
I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to
know that if you need to get away from it all, you're welcome to 
bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long
as you want. I'll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and
you can have their room.
Michael Jackson
 --------------------------
Dear Fellow Sinner:
Jesus forgives you and so do I.
Rev. Jimmy Swaggart
 -------------------------
Dear Bill:
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Jim Bakker
P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you
sometime.
 -------------------------
Dear Bill:
Next time (if there is a next time), don't let them get you on tape.
Big mistake!!
With sympathy,
Rob Lowe
 -------------------------
Dear Bill:
I know things look bad for you now but take it from me - the American
public is very forgiving and one day it will all be just water under the
bridge.
Regards,
Senator Edward Kennedy
 -------------------------
Dear Bill:
Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually
manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I'll be King!  
Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax 
everything else, haha! And they say I don't have a sense of humor).
As we British say, keep your pecker up!
HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales
 -------------------------
Dear Mr. President,
We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue.
Editor, Cigar magazine
 -----------------------
Dear Bill:
Congratulations on your election. You are a shining example to us all.
Could you and Hillary join us for dinner next Tuesday? We plan to
invite the Nixons and Agnews as well.
Sincerely,
Ronald Reagan
 -----------------------
Dear Mr. President:
You have taken a big load off my mind. For a long time my conscience
had been bothering me but now I can honestly say that I told the truth
when I publicly stated at I had never committed adultery. I am truly
sorry that your liaisons with Ms. Lewinsky have become such a political 
hot potatoe but you are still my heroe.
Respectfully,
Dan Quayle

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

SmellBlaster 64 AGP Dolby SmellAround PnS 

Abusive Labs presented today the last word in PC peripherals!
   
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Have you ever asked yourself about how the dead decomposing bodies
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smell from the DOOM's BFG2000 enemy vaporizer? 

Now we have the SMELLBLASTER!

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Smell Accelerator Processor 3DPowerSmellFw at 200Mhz.
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RSS (Really Stinking Smell) Technology.
Requires AGP 2x and Plug & Smell BIOS
You can even plug 2 boards in interleave mode ! 
(twice the smell in half the time !)



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Oh Geez...Craig Milton's still outta the closet, says he's got the 
runs and is compiling loads (glad I locked the door behind me!)
here's one he dumped:

The software box said I needed "Windows 95 or Better" so I bought a
Mac.

INTEL INSIDE: The worlds most widely used warning label.

Customer: "I'm running Windows '98."
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer: "My computer isn't working now."
Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."

Windows 98(n) - 32-bit extensions and graphical shell for a 16-bit
patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit
microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of
competition.
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Dumbfuck Chuck wants to know:

What's it take?

**Honey, if ya gotta ask, trust me, you ain't got it.

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Hex Decimal Sends:

Mark is driving Sam across town in his new car.  As the car nears an 
intersection, the light turns red. Instead of stopping, Mark speeds up 
and runs the red light. Sam grabs the dashboard and tenses up, expecting 
to be broad sided. Once they're through the intersection Mark turns to 
Sam and says "Don't worry about it, my brother does it all the time.  

When they near the next intersection, the light again turns red; and 
again Mark speeds up and runs through the red light. Sam re-grabs the 
dashboard expecting to crash again.  "Don't worry about it Sam, my 
brother does it all the time" he says again.  

As they approach the next intersection, the light is green. Instead of 
going on through, Mark pulls the car to a stop.  Sam says to Mark "go... 
the light is green!"  "No way..." says Mark, "My brother might be 
coming!"

**This is a great one to pull when you hafta be the designated driver
for the evening and ya have a car fulla drunks...  Wasn't  me. *baeg*


A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the
second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to
sink.
Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy
manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of
strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote
island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head
and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing.  She's also
managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her,
and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he  manages to get her breathing
again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you
saved my life!"  He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together.
They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven.
Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate
love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind
of
glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life
together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything
I can do?"  He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on
my shirt?"  "Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and
she puts it on. "Does that make you feel better," she says.  "Okay, would
you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.  Then he says, "Now,
would
you start walking around the edge of the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off on the
other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes
later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude!
"You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Wayne Lasker Sends:

Try saying this 3 times as fast as you can !!

I am not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's son,
And I won't be plucking pheasants,
Till the pheasant plucker comes.

**Oh phuck, lemme start over.

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<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Tazzy Sends:

A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some
pepper. 

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!"
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Sarah Giles Sends:

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he 
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is 
it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, 
why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer 
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and 
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the 
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, 
tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before 
you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, 
"One less lawyer . . ."



A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.

Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat 
is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to 
the Goodyear Blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10
rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a
chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security
guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse
me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again
inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their
right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use
it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was 
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find
someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral." 

*From the archives at  http://www.big-gyant-head.com

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Jackiem Sends:

I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. Yeah,
they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate. You know, 
same old boring rind over and over again.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave 
me the axe.

I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.  It was a
sew-sew job.

I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but I just didn't have the thyme.

I used to be a deli worker, but I couldn't cut the mustard

I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy.

I used to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients


<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Truehartj Sends:

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On
returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,  "There were 2
boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."  

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath" he replied. "I think
it's printed on the bottom."
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Janinne Sends:

If Microsoft was Jewish:

1. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC 
would get "Ferklempt."

2. When you fill up your "C-drive", you will get a "Hard Drive is
Shtupped" message.

3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Dreidels."

4. CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high
compression  DVB's (digital video bagels).

5. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not
getting any younger!" button.

6. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already.
You're killing me! You vant I should try it again? I didn't hear 
that!"

7. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you
would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's tuchis."

8. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music
already!"

9. During Passover, your PC would not be able to read leavened
floppies."

10. "Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz."

11. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little
byte of that."

12. When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I
should fix this?" message.

13. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud
"Oy!!!"

14. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that
it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your monitor.

15. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloffen."

16. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.

17. Solitaire would be replaced with on-line "Bingo"or "Mah-Jong."



Before Starting A Rock Band... You should know that the following 
names are taken:

[ a ]
Albino Toilet Boys
Alcoholocaust
Alcoholics Unanimous
Apocalypse Hoboken
Armageddon Dildos

[ b ]
Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings
The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
Band Over
Band That Shot Liberty Valence
Barbara's Bush
Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits
The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
The Boxing Ghandis
Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
Breakfast in Beirut
Bulimia Banquet
Buster Hymen & the Penetrators

[ c ]
Caltransvestites
Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
Carnage Asada
Cindy Brady's Lisp
Cortizone 5
Cottage Cheese from the Lips of Death

[ d ]
The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
The Dead Sea Squirrels
The Dead Kennedys
The Dick Clarks
The Dick Nixons
Dicky Retardo
Drunks With Guns

[ e ]
e. coli
Edith Head
Electric Prostates
Elvis Hitler
Ethyl Merman

[ f ]
Fearless Iranians From Hell
Fields of Shit
'57 Lesbian
The 4-Skins
Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
The French are from Hell
Fromage d'Amour

[ g ]
Gefilte Joe and the Fish
Gonoreagan

[ h ]
Headless Marines
Hell Camino
Herpes Cineplex
Hindu Garage Sale
Hitler's Bikini
HIV and the Positives
Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives
Hornets Attack Victor Mature

[ i ]
Impaled Nazarenes
Inhale Mary

[ j ]
Janitors Against Apartheid
Jehovah's Waitresses
Jehovah's Wetness
Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
Jesus Christ Super Fly
Jesus Chrysler Supercar
Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army
JFKFC
Jonestown Punch

[ k ]
Kathleen Turner Overdrive
Kerrigan's Knees

[ l ]
Lack of Afro
Lawn Piranhas
The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation
Lee Harvey Keitel
Lesbian Ninjas
Louder Than God

[ m ]
Mao Tse Helen
Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
Max Roach and the Holders
Minnie Pearl's Jam
Mr. Happy and the Genocides
Mussolini Headkick
My Dog Has Hitler's Brain

[ n ]
Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions
Nervous Christians and the Lions
Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
Not Drowning, Waving

[ p ]
Pabst Smear
Pearl Harbor and the Explosions
Penis DeMilo
Pepto Dismal
Phenobarbidols
Phlegm Fatale
Poultry in Motion
Pretentious Flamedogs
The Pro-Midget Mafia
Psychic Buddhist Gorillas
Psycho Sluts from Hell
Pungent Frustration
Purple Headed Love Warriors

[ r ]
Raging Pimps of Doom
Rectal Nightmare
Reluctant Stereotypes
Reserectum
Results of Inbreeding
Retarted Elf
Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries

[ q ]
Quasimodo and the Eunuchs

[ s ]
Sandy Duncan's Eye
Screaming Headless Torsos
Screaming Iguanas of Love
Screaming Moist Accountants
Septic Death
Seven Year Bitch
The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra
Shirley Temple of Doom
Shirley Temple Pilots
Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]
Skeptic Tank
Smegma & the Nuns
Smorgasborgnine
Solosex
The Sound of Munich
Spastic Colon
The Sphinctones
Stiff Richards
Stukas Over Bedrock
Swingin' Johnsons

[ t ]
Ted Bundy's Volkswagen
The Telephony Bandits of Doom
Temporary Darkening of the Stool
Testostertones
The Texas Nazis
Thank God We're Immortal
They Tried To Frame OJ
To Live and Shave in LA
Toxic Shock and the Tampons
Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew
Tragic Mulatto
Transsexual Hitler
Trotsky Icepick

[ u ]
Uncle Dickie's Shameless Quickies
Unstoppable Kamikaze Iditos

[ v ]
Vaginal Davis
The Velcro Pygmies
Vic Morrow's Head

[ w ]
The Well Hungarians
Willie Nelson Mandela

[ y ]
Yoko Homo

[ z ]
Zip Code Rapists
Zombies Under Stress
Zulu Leprechauns

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Icky Sends:

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your 
fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card.
"It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

CrispyC Sends:

An old Indian chief was famous for predicting what the weather would
do. A group of people went up to the chief and asked him, "What will
the weather be like tomorrow?"  

The chief replied, "Much rain. Very wet." 

The next day, it did rain and it was very wet.  Some more people went
up to the chief and asked, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?"  

"Much snow. Very cold."

Sure enough, it snowed and it was very cold. 

The next day, people were so impressed with this, they asked him 
another time.   "Chief,"  they asked, "what will the weather do tomorrow?"

The chief replied, "I dunno. Radio broken."
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>


OPTIONAL ACCESSORY II: 
"Normally accidents like this shouldn't happen," 
reasoned a Caputh, Germany, police spokesman. A motorist following
driving instructions on the satellite navigation computer in his BMW
drove down a ferry ramp into the Havel River, he said, without
realizing the only way he could cross the river was to wait for the
ferry. The 57-year-old driver was not injured. "This sort of thing can
happen when people rely too much on technology," the police spokesman
said. (Reuters) ...Leading to a required label, "Warning: User still
must watch out window when driving."



Just suppose:  It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts.
Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates: 

Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults with 
astrologists.  He's had two mistresses.  He chain smokes
and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. 

Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used 
opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening. 

Candidate C: is a decorated war hero.  He's a vegetarian,
doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit 
affairs.

Which of these candidates is your choice? 

(Candidtates' identities are near the bottom of this message.)

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

Stacy Sends:

How To Be Unhappy:

Make little things bother you. Don't just let them, MAKE them.

Lose you perspective on things and keep it lost: don't put first things
first.

Get yourself a good worry, one about which you cannot do anything.

Be a perfectionist, which means not that you work hard to do your
best, but that you condemn yourself and others for not achieving
perfection.

Be right. Be always right. Be the only one who is always right,
and be rigid in your rightness.

Don't trust or believe people, or accept them at anything but
their worst and weakest. Be suspicious. Insist that others always
have hidden motives.

Always compare yourself unfavorably to others. This guarantees
instant misery.

Take personally everything that happens to you.

Don't give yourself whole-heatedly to anyone or anything.



<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Janinne Sends:

A funeral service is being held in a Synagogue for a woman who has just
passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying
the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the
casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive ... She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony
is again held at the same Synagogue, and at the end of the ceremony, the 
pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking down the aisle the husband cries out.....
"Watch out for the wall!!!"
                     
<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

     Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt 

     Candidate B is Winston Churchill 

     Candidate C is Adolph Hitler 

Kind of Scary... huh?


5 Reasons Why Punxsatawney Phill's Job is Better than Clinton's:

Phil can't get impeached for working the Gobbler's Knob  

Phil co-starred in a movie with Andie McDowell and Bill Murray  

Phil competition includes such losers as:  New York City's Staten
Island Chuck, Gen. Beauregard Lee of Lilburn, Georgia, Buckeye Chuck 
of Marion, Ohio., and even a prairie dog, Lander Lil, of Lander, 
Wyoming  

Phil can expose himself every year, to thousands of people, and not be
held accountable.  

Phil does not have to deliver a State of the Union address to bump up
his popularity.  

<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>

ShannonR Sends:

A bar had a sign in the window advertising that they needed a Piano
Player.

A scroungy looking old guy, dressed like a bum, entered the bar and
told the bartender he was interested in the job. The bartender wasn't
too impressed with the looks, but figured, what the hell, and pointed
the old guy to the piano in the corner.
  
The old man sat down and started to play the most beautiful, 
melodious piece of music the people in the bar had ever heard. All
talk stopped during the song, and when he stopped, they all applauded.
  
"Hey, you're good," said the barkeep. "What was that?"
"I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna do ya all night long.'"

"Interesting title," said the bartender. "Got another?"

The man broke into a foot stompin' honky-tonk piece that brought the
bar patrons to their feet, clapping along until it was finished, at
which time they again gave him a thunderous round of applause.
  
"You're really great! What do you call that one?" asked the bartender.

"That's a little ditty I call 'I wanna spank yer bare butt, baby, 
till you scream and holler.'" He then said, "If you'll excuse me, I'd
like to use the restroom."

While he was gone, the bartender decided to offer him the job, 
starting immediately.
   
He returned a moment or two later, and the bartender said, "If you
want the job, it's yours."

He looked down and noticed the man hadn't quite finished his trip to
the restroom...
  
"By the way," he asked him, "do you know your dick's hanging out for
all the world to see?"

"Know it? I WROTE IT!"

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<<<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>>>

Tazzy Sends:

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total
loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about
the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
                     
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Amber Sends:

Ten years ago, the Muppets disappeared off of the face of Hollywood.
After a series of intense investigations, some very startling and 
disturbing information was discovered.

Kermit D. Frog - He now has an exercise video that he advertises on
late night television right after Jojo's Psychic bullshit. He is 
competing with the crazy bitch with no hair and the steroid monkey
with the ponytail.

Gonzo - He fried his brains on cocaine laced with rancid relish found
under Scooter's bed.

Gonzo's Chickens - They now work as Playboy bunnies at the Hefner 
mansion.

Miss Piggy - Having lived an extravagant life, she was broke and
destitute, so she had to resort to prostitution to support her drug
habit and illegitimate half-pig half-frog son.

Scooter - After many years as the Muppet show's drug pusher, he 
finally made it big as a major international drug smuggler, residing
in Bolivia. He now frequents the likes of Hugh Hefner and Bob
Guccionne.

Sam the Eagle - He was brutally murdered in cold blood on stage by a
poacher.

The Old Geezers - Waldorf bludgeoned his partner to death with his
wooden chair out of sheer frustration. For this, he was convicted of
murder and fried in the electric chair by judge Ito.

Little Robin - He suffered a tragic death, he was the unfortunate 
victim of a drive-by shooting in the LA. riots. His skin tone was
apparently mistaken for the colors of a rival gang.

The Crew of Pigs in Space - They were all mechanically separated. You
may now find them in tins of SPAM on the shelves of your local 
supermarket.

Animal - Despite his rambunctious image, Animal managed a well-stocked
portfolio of blue chip stocks. He obtained a hefty on certain high
risk/high gain venture. He may be seen on occasion dining with Donald
Trump at The Russian Tea Room in New York.

Fozzy Bear - He was forcibly ejected from the Betty Ford Clinic For a
severe addiction to polish pickles and deflowering young goats by
sodomy.

Beeker - After many years of suffering and many, many tubes of 
Preparation-H, everybody's favorite lab rat, assisted by Professor
Honeydew and a large stick, finally died of chronic, infected, 
bleeding hemorrhoids.

Swedish Chef - after having mechanically separated the entire crew of
Pigs in Space on the orders of Miss Piggy, the Swedish Chef, being an
illegal alien, was deported back to Sweden. In his defense, and we 
quote, "Bork, Bork, Bork."

Ralph the Dog - After years of rumours and denial, on his death bed
at the AIDS clinic, Ralph the Dog came out of the closet and admitted
to that he was Jim Henson's secret gay lover.

The Sax Player - He left the Muppet Show's band to join a religious
cult that worships Fabio.

The Zucchini Brothers - They had the misfortune of being in their
canon while it was being requisitioned by the US. army for Operation:
Desert Storm. They were last seen flying over Iraq.

Professor Bunsen Honeydew - After having successfully completing an
experiment,in total disbelief, feeling that he has lost his touch, he
committed suicide by Bunga-Bunga.

The remainder of the cast and crew - perished in the explosion of the
theater,possibly a practice bomb set by Timothy McVay and John Doe
#2. No survivors were found.


A German asks a prostitute for sex and she tells him its 30 pounds.
"Fine" he says, "but I'm a bit kinky"

She agrees that this is OK so long as he doesnt do anything violent.

They get back to her flat and he gets out four big springs attached to
some straps.

"I want you to put one of these on each elbow and one on each knee" he
asks. The prostitute is worried that she's getting into something heavy,
but she goes along with the request. Then she is told to get down on all
fours, naked, in front of him which she does grudgingly. Then he asks her
to start bouncing up and down on the springs and finally he takes a duck
whistle from his pocket.
"Blow on this while I'm shagging you" he tells her. So he's banging away
at her from behind while she's bouncing on the springs blowing the duck
whistle. Suddenly she starts to enjoy it, so much so in fact that she
experiences the most fantastic orgasm she's ever had.

After they've finished she says "Wow, that was the most fantastic sex I've
had in 25 years on the game. How the hell do you make it so good?"

"Ah" the German replies, "Foursprung Duck Technique"


Actual Country-Western Songs

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
Please Bypass this Heart
I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back While I Cry Over You
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure


A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one 
foot on thecurb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, 
"I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk"

Our hammered friend asks, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
                     
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MystycWolf Sends:

A man is walking down the beach one day and finds an old brass lamp. 
As he is polishing it up, a genie appears.

Genie: "I will grant you three wishes, but I am bored with the old way 
of doing things so I am changing the rules a bit. What ever you wish 
for, I will give to your worst enemy double. I have yet to see a 
mortal give interesting wishes, so don't screw up."

After a bit of thought, the man smiles nastily and says: "Okay... My 
first wish is for a huge palacial mansion right here on the beach with 
20 rooms."

The genie looks at him weird but snaps his fingers and a mansion 
appears. 200 yards down the beach, two more appear... and sure enough, 
they are twice as big. The man then says: "For my second wish, I want 
two half dressed, sex starved women in each room."

The genie looks at this guy and says: "Maybe you didn't understand. 
Everything you wish for, I will give you enemy twice over. You got one 
mansion with 20 rooms; he got two with 40 each. If you wish for this, 
he will get 4 completely naked women in each of his rooms that are 
TWICE as horney and COMPLETELY naked.... Where is the fun 
in this? You mortals are supposed to be devious!!!"

The man smiles and says: "I know what I am doing... my last wish is to 
have MY sex drive cut in half!!!!"


Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning,
he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.

Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.


Possible Titles for Monica Lewinsky's New Book:

01. I Suck At My Job
02. What Really Goes Down In The White House
03. How I Blew It In Washington
04. You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
05. Clear and Present Boner
06. Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
07. Going Back for Gore
08. Podium Girl Secret Services to the President
09. Harass is Not Two Words:
10. The Story of Bill Clinton Deep Inside The Oval Office
11. The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
12. She's Chief of MY Staff!
13. Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
14. How To Beat Off the Government
15. Going Down and Moving Up
16. Members of the Presidential Cabinet
17. Me and My Big Mouth
18. How To Get A-head in Business

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The Sofa King Sends:

At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting  of three VERY
naked, VERY black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was
that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man
in the middle had a VERY PINK penis.  While the couple was scratching 
their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and 
noticed  the couple's confusion.

"Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.  "Well, yes" said the
gentleman.We were curious about this picture of the black men on the
bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?"  "Oh"
said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted  the painting. The
three men are not Africans,  they're coal miners,  and the fellow in
the middle went home for lunch.

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BeepMe Sends:

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog and screaming for
help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put
his dog down on the examination table.  The vet examines the still,
limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a 
second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a 
cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the
body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and 
finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks 
that your dog is dead too." But the man is still unwilling to accept
that his dog is dead and wants yet another opinion.

The vet brings in a black labrador.  The lab sniffs the body, walks 
from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.  The vet 
looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is
dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks
how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 just to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my 
initial diagnosis but the additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab
tests."

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Nine months to the day following their wedding, the Johnsons had a
baby. Unfortunately, it was born without arms or legs -- without even
a torso. It was just a head.  Still, the Johnsons loved and cared for
their child, spoiling and indulging it.  

Finally after twenty years, they took a much-needed vacation and whom
should they meet on the cruise ship but a European doctor who had 
recently achieved a medical breakthrough. "I know how to attach arms
and legs to your child, how to make him whole," he told the Johnsons.

So the Johnsons cut their trip short, rushed home and into the room 
where the head lay in its crib, and said, "Honey!, Mom and Dad have 
the most wonderful surprise for you!"

"NO!," shrieked the head, "NOT ANOTHER FUCKING HAT!!"


A man takes his wife to the stock show.  They start heading down the
> alley  that had the bulls.
> They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated
> 50  times last year."
> The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year,
> You  could learn from him."
> They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated:  "This bull mated
> 65  times last year.
> "The wife turns to her husband and says,  "This one mated 65 times
> last  year. That is over 5 times a month.
> You can learn from this one, also."
> They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said:  "This bull mated
>  365 times last year."
> The wife's mouth drops open and says, 
> "WOW! He mated 365 times last year.
> That is ONCE A DAY!!!  You could
>  really  learn from this one.
> "The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask him if  it was 365
> times with the same cow."
> *************************************************************************
> The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to
> Start  their family.  On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
> Smith  kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
> Photographer  rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.  "Good morning
> madam.
> You  don't know me but I've come to...."
>  "Oh, no need to explain.  I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith
>  cut in.
> "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a
>  speciality  of  babies."
>  "That's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in and have
>   a  seat.  Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
>  "Leave everything to me.  I usually try two in the bathtub, one
>   on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.  Sometimes the living room
>  floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
> "Bathtub, living room floor?  No wonder it didn't work for Harry
>   and  me."
> "Well madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But
>  if we  try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
>  angles,  I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
> "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
>  "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to
> be  in  and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm
> sure."
> "Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio
> of  his  baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown
> London."
> "Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
>  "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider
> their  mother was so difficult to work with."  The photographer handed
> Mrs. Smith the picture.
> "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I
> finally  had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right.  People
> were  crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
> "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in
>  amazement.
> "Yes", the photographer said.  "And for more than three hours
>  too. The  mother was constantly squealing and yelling.  I could hardly
> concentrate.  Then darkness approached and I began to rush my
> shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just
> packed it all in."
> Mrs. Smith leaned forward.  "You mean they actually chewed on
> your, er.., um.., ah.... equipment?"
> "That's right.  Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my
> tripod so  that we can get to work."
>  "Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
>  "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
> too big  for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.  Madam?
> Madam?
>  Good Lord, she's fainted!!
> 
> *************************************************************************
> Pope and Queen Elizabeth 
> The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at
> thousands of people in the forecourt below.  The Queen says to the Pope 
> out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every
> English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
> The Pope says "No way. You can't do that." The Queen says, "Watch this".
> So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes
> crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, 
> basically going ballistic.
> So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do?  I 
> never thought she'd be able to do it."
> So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says,
> "I  bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just
>  now,  but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
> The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done." 
>       So the Pope headbutts her.



At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting  of three VERY
naked, VERY black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was
that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man
in the middle had a VERY PINK penis.  While the couple was scratching 
their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and 
noticed  the couple's confusion.

"Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.  "Well, yes" said the
gentleman.We were curious about this picture of the black men on the
bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?"  "Oh"
said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted  the painting. The
three men are not Africans,  they're coal miners,  and the fellow in
the middle went home for lunch.


Dear Mom,
 Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw
 the flood on TV and worried.  We are OK.  Only 1 of our tents and 2
 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned 
 because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it 
 happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK.
 He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the  
 search & rescue jeeps.  It  was neat.  We never would have found him
 in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.  Scoutmaster Webb
 got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.
 Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably
 didn't hear him.

 Did you know that if you put  gas on a fire, the gas can will blow
 up?  The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also
 some of our clothes.  John is going to look weird until his hair
 grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the
 car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK 
 when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to 
 expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get
 insurance on it. We think it's a neat car.  He doesn't care if we 
 get it dirty, and if it's  hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the 
 tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.   He let us 
 take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped
 and talked to us.

 Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy.  Don't worry, he is a good driver.
 In  fact, he  is teaching Terry how to drive.  But he only lets him
 drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic.  All we 
 ever see up there are logging trucks.

 This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming 
 out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't 
 swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he 
 let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great.  You can still 
 see some of the trees under the water from the flood.  Scoutmaster 
 Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get
 mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working 
 on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

 Guess what?  We've all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave 
 dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet 
 works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably
 was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.  He said they got
 sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got
 out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to
 get things done better while he was doing his time.

 I have to go now.  We are going into town to mail our letters and
 buy bullets. 

 Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

                  Love,
                     Cole

 P.S.  How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

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**These guys are havin' fun... wonder which one sits on top?
Douglas & Sherri Miller Send:

These may not be facts you can't live without but they are fun to
read.

Believe it or not all facts on this page are true !!

Jamie Lee Curtis' legs and Bruce Springsteen's voice are insured by
Lloyd's of London.

Over 39 gallons of chewing gum is removed from the Statue of Liberty
each year.

At the Ancient Olympics athletes competed in the nude, were whipped
for false starts and only virgin women were allowed to be spectators.

The guillotine was last used in France in 1977.

The last Salem "witch" was cleared in 1957.

In Rio de Janeiro, Brazil cockroaches are sold for $8.00 an ounce.

If you paint graffiti in Rome you could get the death penalty.

A Lily has 400 times more DNA than a human.

The energy from a thunderstorm equals 12 atom bombs.

The world's slowest bird, The American Woodstock, flies at a speed of
only 5 mph.

Jo Ann Ussery of Greenwood, Miss., lives in a 127-ft-long Boeing 727
Airliner that she converted into a three bedroom home.

M&M's were introduced in 1940 for US soldiers, so their hands 
wouldn't be sticky.

>From the bottom of a well, you can actually see stars in the daytime.
(I wonder if this means in the sky or in front of your eyes from 
falling down the well!)

The largest single gold object is a bathtub. It's located at the
Funabara Hotel on Japan's Izu peninsula and has a weight of 313.5
pounds.

In 70 years of life your heart will beat 2.5 billion times and you
will take 650 million breaths.

More Hollywood films have been made about boxing than any other 
sport.

Natural gas has no smell. The unpleasant odor is added artificially 
as a safety precaution so that people can detect gas leaks.



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Gloria Grillo Sends:

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony.  On his first day he takes
off his clothes and starts wandering around.  A gorgeous petite
blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The
woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and
says:  "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies "No, what do you mean?"  She says:  "You must be new
here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an
erection, it implies you called for me.  

Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a 
towel by the side of a pool, eagerly pulls him to her and happily
lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities.  He enters a sauna, sits 
down, and farts.  Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent,
hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The
Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies: "No, what do you mean"  The Huge Man: "You must be new
here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me."
The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench
and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling
naked receptionist: 
"May I help you?".
Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500
joining fee."
Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you
only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
Bob replied:  "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a
month, but I fart 15 times a day.  No thanks."


Canterbury, England. A.D. 999.

   An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout  Europe as the
   millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called "Y1K
   Bug," a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of.

   Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western
   Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could
   collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the
   problem.

   Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise?  Why did no one
   anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would
  throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse
  in which any date is mentioned?  Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony
   and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be re-written
   to accommodate three extra syllables. All tabular chronologies with
   three space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using
   carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be
   converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost. In the meantime,
   the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from
   confirmations to coronations, may be called into question.

   "We should have seen it coming ," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael's
   Abbey, here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that 'THOUSAND'
   contains the word  'THOU,' which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and
  of course always refers to God.  Using it now in the name of the year
   will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible
   confusion.

   Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be even worse --
   The Latin word for 'Thousand' is 'Mille' which is the same as the
   Latin for 'mile.' We won't know whether we're talking about time or
   distance!"

   Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional
   pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on
   tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable
   ripple effects, this alone could plunge the hitherto-stable medieval
   economy into chaos.

   A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the
   entire issue,  but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one
   of personal survival.  Many families, in expectation of the worst, are
   stocking up on holy water and indulgences.

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Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. 
Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something...
but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the
other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground...
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that
guy was right.  This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added


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I shoulda known better...  I guess I'm gonna hafta resurect BGH's
"Twit of the Week" awards.  This one goes to, who else but an 
AOheller...Yumiemommy, who thinks she needs to submit a subscription 
request every... single... friggin' day (grrrr) in order to receive
the haha letter.  Uh, sweetie, ask the other AOhellers... this is
like the Roach Motel...
you can check in, but you can never check out. *baeg*

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